Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


So lost. Where to even begin?

Recommended Posts




We have a 23 year old college senior. Our second daughter. 3 years ago we discovered she was gay. We got through that discovery and accepted it.  Just 2 weeks ago she revealed she believes she is transgender. She sought out a LBGT therapist on campus and has been seeing him. She has gender dysphoria, mainly with her chest. She brought up top surgery last fall but now is considering testosterone for muscular definition and voice alteration. She does not want a beard and isn't entertaining bottom surgery at all.


She has always been shy and reserved. Suffered a bit from social anxiety. Maybe not true anxiety but definitely had social issues. Looking back, I see it as far back as preschool. In high school she excelled, graduating top 10 in her class.  In her spare time she used the internet. A lot! If I could go back and change some things.....


I don't want this for my daughter. Though she knows we will never disown her or love her any less. She has and always will be the one we worry about. Just her personality. How will she survive in the outside world if she chooses to transition.


Because of her anxiety/social issues,  we requested her to see an unbiased psychiatrist prior to doing anything. In my research, and boy have I researched, we are afraid taking testosterone will make things worse. So afraid of her deciding this then realizing it was a mistake. So afraid of her becoming suicidal. So very afraid....


And then there is my family. Bigoted, religious, close minded. I'm dealing with what that fallout will be. I'm dealing with the potential of turning my back on them and losing them. Though my daughter if fully aware I stand by her no matter what. They don't even know she is gay. Something she knew I'd reveal when she was ready for it. For now, they know nothing.


Please help. We need advice. If she is truly transgender. So be it. But I want to be sure and I want her to go through the motions so there are no doubts or regret.

Share this post

Link to post

The first thing I want to say is that it's normal for parents who learn such news to be afraid and it's normal to go trough a process too. My parents have gone trough such a process also. I'm transgender and if I ever learn that one of my 2 children is trans I will go trough a process too. Because, let's face it, it can be hard. It's normal and I just want to make sure you know that ;)


For all transitions the first thing I'm thinking about is to take it one step at a time. One small step foward towards feeling better and your children being themself.  I read your text and I'm afraid of one thing : "unbiased". Be sure to see a therapist that knows about this issue and that is used to seeing transgender patient. In the end, if they see a therapist who is not an expert in this more damage can be done. I've seen such a therapist in the past and I learned many years later that she lead some patients to depression. A good therapist who often deal with this will treat your children with the goal of them being as happy as can be. I've seen 3 therapist and none of them tried to "convince" me of anything on the contrary. They were very honest with me and so I knew exactly what I was getting into.


The first goal in my opinion is for the children to feel better. The second is to let them be themselves. The transition part of it is not the main goal. Where I live we need a letter from a therapist to go trough any medical process (testosterone and surgeries). So they have no choice to go trough one year or so of therapy before doing anything. I think it's important and it's a process that will help them make sure it's the right thing.


There's nothing you could have changed or done to change this. If they are transgender then they were born like that and it's not the fault of anybody. I've gone trough 20 years of depression, I"ve gone trough hell and back trying my hardest to me "a man" and in the end I had to see therapists. No matter what the family or others say seeing a therapist and taking this seriously is the good thing to do in my opinion. Believe me, you don't want them going trough what I've gone trough just to please people. Being transgender and not taking our mental and physical health seriously is extremely dangerous. I know that society make it something political and liberal vs conservative but believe me it's not. It's about someone being happy and living their live.


It's great to see that you are behind your children and to see how much you love them. Having a children that's different, no matter what the difference is, is never something easy. I always find it very nice to see parents in social of family situation that is not ideal loving their children so much that they confront all of that for love and for them feeling better.

Share this post

Link to post



As far as starting testosterone, they will not be able to choose the attributes that arrive.  Voice changes seem to be very common as does facial hair growth, but also male pattern baldness.  So be aware of all the ramifications.  For some one who is transgender these are generally not an issue but for someone who may be androgynous could have issues with certain changes.   A good therapist will go over these points when the time comes to make a recommendation for HRT.  Ultimately the doctor they see will discuss this too.  


As Mary notes, I too question your statement about an unbiased counselor.  A good counselor will not tell them who or what they are but guide them though discussion and possibly "homework" to a point of self discovery.   I think all of us felt some fear or trepidation at first so understand your daughter may express these emotions to you, depending upon how close your relationship is.   Fear is normal.  


You cannot make others (your family) understand your child as he changes but as family you would hope they accept him as he is.   Otherwise it is not worth staying in contact with people that are not truly loving as they purport to be, IMO.   


Get them into a good therapist and see how they react.  Let them know you love them unconditionally.



Share this post

Link to post

MaryMary, thank you for your reply.


To further comment on my unbiased psychiatrist remark, what I mean is not one to convert her. That is not our intent. We also don't want one who is there to only affirm her. Nor one to do more damage by bringing God into it or by guilting her. We want to be sure she has no other underlying psychological disorders. One that could be manifesting itself as gender dysphoria. Or one that, once she begins testosterone, could end up amplifying it. 


I could write a book. There are so many questions and to be completely honest, so much pain. My husband is handling it better than me. I am a mess. My anxiety is at an all time high, though it has subsided some. My biggest concern is my fear for her. She has a job waiting for her upon graduation. In a city 8 hours away. She will be alone. That worries me so very much. Alone, no friends. No family. How will her coworkers and neighbors be. Will they tease her, be cruel to her? It's all so very, very scary.

Share this post

Link to post

I understand. To help you a little I will tell you that no therapist I know in my city is there only to affirm someone. Things get real in therapy. The only thing they do is accompany you and make sure you do the right thing. No good psychologist will only talk about the good things. My first therapist even talked about being sure that I was not making this because I don’t accept that I’m gay or make sure that I’m not a criminal that is trying to change identity to hide or make sure I wa not making this in reaction to something else in my life, past trauma or something. I mean usually therapy go in depth. They make a huge portrait of your family to understand where are you coming from, trying to understand why do you do this, etc etc. One thing they will not do however is trying to convince your child they are not transgender. It’s a guide that is they to help, not tell you were to go.

Share this post

Link to post
Just now, MomofSprinter said:

My biggest concern is my fear for her. She has a job waiting for her upon graduation. In a city 8 hours away. She will be alone.


If the people I was with today are any indication, your fear of your child being alone can be given some comfort.  If there is an LGBT center or Trans organizations, your child can have a very wonderful "chosen family" close to hand if your child seeks it out.  I was at the opening of a new service center for LGBT youth and seniors, and an entire street was closed and filled with people, who a year ago picked me up off a sidewalk where I had fallen and injured myself and who today as I was with them came up to see how I was doing and celebrate my recovery. It turns out I had helped many of them in ways I did not remember in each  case and thus their response.  The same community is there for your child, filled with people that I know you cannot envision at the minute,, and maybe people whom you have been taught to fear and put down in the past because no one in your life had been that way before. I hope this assurance will help you out some what, and I said, good wonderful people you may have been taught were trrrible but who are in the words of a song I sing, a "Gentle angry people" who are seeking the best in life.and for all people.

Share this post

Link to post

My mother one freaking out at the beginning too. She was saying : “yeah but I delivered a little boy”. And I told her that it’s true, she delivered a baby that had a male part but that being transgender is about how you develop (like other conditions such as autism) and that the fact that I’m trans doesn’t invalidate any of her memories. She had to go trough a mourning phase. Don’t be too harsh on yourself if you are going trough such a phase too. Now i’m Very happy, my children still have their father alive. I’m fully there to take care of them and my parents are very happy too.

Share this post

Link to post

If you have any question don’t hesitate. I already wrote a book, I’m fully ready to write another one answering question if you ever have any :)

Share this post

Link to post

Thank you for the replies. To answer a few things and to comment more....


The LGBT community is nothing new to me. At 19, I had a gay friend. He was awesome. I spent a lot of time with him. Shopping, movies, dinner. I lost touch when I quit the job we worked at together. 6 years ago, I had an employee confide in me of her mtf transition. I sought out the legal dept to help with that. Her family disowned her. :( My daughter, I won't say son yet since she hasn't transitioned or asked for pronoun changes yet, has a high school friend who is ftm. His family disowned him. He also, according to my daughter, has been a source of being 300% sure she wants to do this because according to him, he is struggling to adapt. I don't get how family disown their children. Breaks my heart.


My oldest daughter is accepting. She has been my source of talk therapy. She has a friend who is non binary. My youngest daughter came out gay, then non binary, now possibly trans. The oldest thinks she is actually androgynous. Actually, to be honest, that seems more of the fit to me. I dont get it. Trying to make sense of it all. She always liked "guy things". Cars, bugs, hotwheels, dragons. But wears cute short shorts, flip flops, girly tank tops and some makeup. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.


Her therapist, after 3 visits, pulled out the DSM 5 card. And then recommended that she speak with the gender clinic for HRT. Don't you think that is a little soon? My daughter claims we have time, as she is not doing anything right now. Just discovering. Talking it out. Trying to figure out why she feels the way she does. 


Her new employer is in a city that is extremely LGBT friendly, so that helps me some. And I lied about not having family there. She will have family there. My sister in law, who is liberal. We just aren't close and I forget that she lives there. But that helps ease my mind some too.


Yes, my daughter expressed concern of me losing my family. It is weighing on her mind. The fact that she thought about it shows she does care. I'm not going to lie, it does bother me that I could lose them once we reveal. Mostly my sister, but to be honest, she would probably be the most accepting. My mother and the other siblings. Not so much. So I am prepared to turn my back. Still hurts a lot though.


Thanks for letting me talk this out. I haven't been sleeping. I wake up in a panic most days.

Share this post

Link to post
9 hours ago, MomofSprinter said:

I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.

Remember there are no rules.  Each of us is on our own personal journey.   As far as how soon any point is, it depends upon the individual.  So the therapist feels one way, OK.  


I don't think you'll lose family as long as you keep your mind and heart open, which is seems you are doing.  Your children are the most important family.  Others either love you all or not.  Its their choice.  Would you want to have them around when you know the truth about how they feel?   (if they are no accepting)


I understand this is stressful but take a deep breath and think calm thoughts.  You seem to have lovely children.  Love them.  I'm glad you found us and can talk this out too!


Share this post

Link to post

After 3 visits if they are still confused... yes I personally think it’s quick. It’s not a race. It’s just my opinion tough.

Share this post

Link to post

Three or thirty three visits if your child is the one taking the time, your child is a good patient and is getting the best from the counseling program.  You have an intelligent and thoughtful person there. 

Share this post

Link to post
Amy LeBlanc

Hello MomofSprinter


I am so happy to hear of a parent standing behind their child.  I always like the support from the parents and how they just want their child to be happy.  I am a MtF Trans myself and from my experience, when I first tried to come out early, I was seeing a regular therapist that actually did more harm to me than good and also knew nothing about the LGBTQ community and just thought I was a cross dresser and did not really try to help me.  So I was going through life thinking that I was a cross dresser and being unhappy with myself and feeling down and depressed.  Now that I have been seeing a gender therapist that is also a family therapist as well, I feel so much better.  Not only has my therapist helped me out with finding out that I am Trans but also has helped me out in my family life.  I have taken it slow with my therapist where I saw her for 1.5 years before starting on hormones just to be certain.  My therapist offered me my letter to start my hormones twice which I have turned it down cause I wanted to make sure that I am who I am and that I am not going to be one of those individuals that rush or regret later on in life.


Now there are times now that I feel like I am rushing or wanting it done now, but then I end up calling my therapist and talking to her over the phone or in person and she helps me out to make sure that I am being safe and happy.  The big thing I would have to say is to be their for your daughter for support and make sure she feels happy and comfortable.  I have lost family and friends myself and then I have gain new friends.  The family is just one that I have had to live with that I now know their true side.  The only family I still talk to is my mom and she tends to flip flop but she still talks to me and I wish that my mom was like you with being so supportive.


Just be their for your daughter and care for her and show her just how much you love her.



Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 13 Guests (See full list)

    • Jocelyn
    • SaraAW
    • Willa
    • Sharon Aml
    • michelle_kitten
  • Who Was Online

    95 Users were Online in the Last 48 Hours
    • Jocelyn
    • SaraAW
    • Willa
    • Sharon Aml
    • michelle_kitten
    • MaryEllen
    • Snow Princess Sophie
    • Carolyn Marie
    • MicahKj
    • Cyndee
    • Janeshannon
    • Lightbrite
    • MaryMary
    • Kirsten
    • vannaaa
    • Gregory
    • Ned
    • DeeDee
    • Amy LeBlanc
    • Kelva
    • Michelle F
    • Jani
    • VickySGV
    • Rowan
    • EvanC
    • MomofSprinter
    • D.Grey
    • Elyssia
    • Ronin82
    • Naomi Knowles
    • KymmieL
    • KC1
    • Nina B
    • Ashlee
    • Sandra6sandy9sand
    • ToniTone
    • Anyatimenow
    • Hellothere
    • gaynoodle76
    • Josie Beth
    • Alisa
    • Petra Jane
    • K80Lately
    • EliAtkins
    • Dino
    • tracy_j
    • Charlize
    • Jen
    • Willow
    • QueenClara
    • Finley
    • JJ
    • LittleRed
    • BrandiBri
    • RithiaAllen
    • Timber Wolf
    • DrumbeatAlex
    • Janae
    • Lorry
    • Clara84
    • Beatrice Crawford
    • LouiseRose1954
    • Mickey
    • Elias2401
    • HeatherCristina
    • Jessica27
    • Alex C
    • Sakura
    • Susan
    • roman
    • Erika_E
    • Harrietta
    • Miss Julia
    • Fimdir
    • Jennifer T
    • L0gan
    • Makayla2019
    • SugarMagnolia
    • 1unar3clipse
    • stobart2019
    • Terry
    • TheGinger
    • EvaH2314
    • Sarahnr1
    • Robinl69
    • ChasingSerenity
    • Dororo
    • Gigi
    • jae bear
    • Beth
    • Dakota16
    • figuringitout
    • Kylie
    • Alex94
    • Camie
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alyss
      (21 years old)
  • Posts

    • Cyndee
      Music is life, wholeheartedly agree, that's great you are finding new music Jani....   Tonight after dinner, I have a little Steely Dan - Aja (1977) going here....   C -
    • Kelva
      Welcome to the forum! I am newish so I can't say much on where to look first, but I can say everyone is super nice here!   
    • Kelva
      @michelle_kitten Thank you very much for the warm welcome and being so open about your history. I very much appreciate the thoughtful response. I am glad you are finding your way now, and hope to follow in your footsteps, where ever that leads me, too or away from gender related topics. Not sure where I land yet, but your story does feel somewhat familiar. 
    • Jani
      I just finished listening to "Live from Here".  Actually I also watched a piece of it while I was eating as they live stream the show.  I wasn't particularly enamored with the previous iteration "A Praire Home Companion" but I look forward to this show when I can listen.  The host, Chris Thile is an amazing performer and while his genre is Americana there is a wide variety of acts on his show.  I've been exposed to lots of music I never experienced before.  Music is life!  
    • Jani
      Michelle,  This is awesome.  Being able to write what your thoughts are is powerful.  That you did it here is wonderful in that we all get to read it and others may see this is the path for themselves too.   Speaking with others (even on-line) is cathartic.  Thanks for sharing.     Jani
    • Jani
      Hey Toni, sorry for the late reply as I'm sure you were hoping for some "words of wisdom" earlier.  I hope whatever you did worked out well.     It seems like your mother never grew into being a person that looked beyond their own world.   This is sad.  As to whether you love her or not, that is for you to decide but not all families are close so its all right to feel this way.  Love it seems is a two way street.  We give love and hope to get is back.  When we don't its OK to retreat. As you probably know, some people just don't know enough to quit, hoping against hope the other person will change.  As you've seen here, it doesn't always happen.  I'm not saying to cut your mother off but realize the relationship may always be one sided.     If you think telling her would just increase your grief, then don't.   Look out for your own sanity and well being.     Hugs, Jani 
    • Jani
      This is why it is recommended to wait and see what HRT will do before making plans!   I can read that you are happy.  That's what matters!
        Cheers, Jani
    • Jani
      Naomi as to rowing we bought kayaks a few years ago as a means of getting exercise and enjoying nature.  There are a couple of kayak Meet-up's in my area I may look into to get out more than I do.     As to Geocaching, like many activities you can proceed at you own pace.  You don't have to make it into a competition.  Get out when you can, where you can.  Life has a way of getting in the way of things we plan, especially hobbies and diversions.  That they're not critical and we do them at our leisure is important as we are supposed to enjoy these endeavors.  The thing I've learned as I aged is not to take it all too seriously.   Tomorrow is another day, and when its not, it will not matter! 😁   Have fun,  Jani 
    • Naomi Knowles
      @DeeDee I'm weirdly conscious about my own stammer on a personal level, enough for me to assume it's an annoyance even when I know better. Which is incidentally something I'm going to be bringing up with a counsellor, once they get around to me. Because I know it would be fun, and the obstacles between me and it are entirely of my own engineering. Rowing might be pretty good for me health-wise though: I was one of those 'weird people' who actually enjoyed the rowing machine at the gym when I used to go😜   Might start going again when I eventually get over changing room anxiety (and lose the beard permanently).       @Jani Can't say I've heard of geocaching, though looking more closely, there is probably a lot of overlap between travelling. If the geocache website is accurate, there are over 6000 caches in my area alone! Am a little turned off by the need to travel regularly to keep hitting that sweet spot of discovery (I'm fairly limited to where I can get to either by public transport or by my own 2 feet). Got rid of my bike a few months ago; thing made me strangely anxious (weird considering I rode bikes loads as a child). Funnily enough I did think about orienteering at work today, not sure if I'll pursue it or not at this stage. Could be an intriguing work-group activity (we're a small, intimate group). Most of us went up Snowden for my boss's birthday last year, so orienteering wouldn't be THAT big of a leap?     @tracy_j Is it a sort of friendly turn up & paint/craft with a small group of friends sort of situation? Learning to draw in a relaxed environment with the occasional nibbles doesn't sound so bad to be honest.     Apparently there is also quite a few different martial arts studios in my area too that I never noticed. Like the IDEA of something that works cardio, gives me a slightly-greater-than-0% chance to defend myself if caught in a dangerous position where I cannot simply leave quickly, as well as forms social bonds, but need to sit on it for a couple months to see if it's just my own mind running amok with unrealistic fantasies. HRT and months of relatively sedentary life (bar walking to work all the time) has taken a fair bit of strength from me, and at 5'3 (160cm) tall, I'd need maximum passion in order to keep up with my peers in that kind of environment.     What you're all doing is working by the way❤️ There is also professional counselling on the cards in order to properly uproot the cause/s of what ails me, but getting me intrigued in life again is part of the healing process, and to hold onto that flame once it gets going again.
    • KymmieL
      Today was great except for having no power for 10+ hours. Of course our area is not THE area so it was last. Other wise it was 73 light breeze. headed out on the bike a couple times. Fantastic being in the wind again.   Have a great rest of your day all.   Kymmie
    • Ashlee
      Im so excited for the future 
    • Carolyn Marie
      I agree with the above advice, Alex.  It does take time, especially with people who have known you all their lives, or have worked with you for a long time.  Most people are diligent about it, or correct themselves if they goof up.  Some folks struggle with the change.  I had one co-worker who just could not seem to get it right, and I know from his reaction that he was embarrassed as hell when he misgendered me, but could not stop himself.   I did not beat him up about it, as he was doing a pretty good job of beating himself up.  😀  I actually felt embarrassed for him, as he often did this in meetings with others.   If you sense that it isn't malicious, I would try to let it pass, or talk to them gently in private to explain the importance to you of getting the pronouns correct.  If you think the person IS being malicious or cruel, I would have a much more serious and pointed talk to them.    Almost everyone should be OK after a while.  For those who choose not to get with the program, you have options, including excluding them from your life if need be.   Carolyn Marie
    • DeeDee
      😀 Just want to say I love this post. Go Ashlee 💛
    • ToniTone
      So I'm here at my storage with my ma, helping her move some things I'm letting her store here. She went out for a while so here I am. We just got into a big argument, ugh! I don't want to be here now...    I was thinking of taking her for coffee later and coming out to her, but now I'm not so sure...    I for the longest her and I have been the only family there for each other, everyone else is just kinda estranged. But she only really cares for herself. She talks all the time, and never gives me space to just breath. She only cares about things she's interested in. She never listens to me or anyone. Her selfis, self-centeredness is such a put off. I don't think I really love my mother...    I don't even care how she's gonna feel anymore. I was looking forward to this, but  now I'm just crushed. This is about me. But she'll probably just make it about herself.    Whatever, I don't need this right now. I'm leaving... 
    • Ashlee
      Hi! I dont post as much as I used to but I'd like to post an update. Its rught around 8 months now on hrt and things are very very noticeably different. I fill out bras now and pants. Omg the pants! I've actually gone from losing weight to gaining it. I've gained 10+/- lbs in about 6 weeks. Its all in my thighs and booty. I am beyond how happy I am with the changes on hrt. Im getting curves, nig curves. I was going to get a Brazilian butt lift but npw I'm going to hold off and see where I am In a year. I never, ever and I mean never ever want to go back to boy mode or being a boy again. Ever. Hers is a picture of my thighs. I can finally wear a bikini! ❤️❤️❤️
  • Upcoming Events