Trying to figure out myself, or if I even belong here at all.

[tapeleg42]

Okay, so, I've been struggling with my thoughts on how I view myself and who/what I am for a some time now.  I'd appreciate if you gave me your thoughts. If nothing else, it will be good for me to get this out in the open, if only on the internet. Also, I'm still new to using proper gender/sex terminology, so I apologize in advance if I get something wrong. 

So, I currently identify as a male. I was assigned male at birth, I'm biologically male, I'm only attracted to women, which I think means I'm cis. I don't feel the kind of gender dysphoria some trans people do. I use him/his pronous, and I have no trouble checking off the Male box on forms (for whatever that's worth). But at the same time, I'm also envious of the kinds of things women are able to do, to the point that sometimes I wish I was female so I could join in. I'm envious of being able to grow my hair out super long or cut it into those cute bobs, and stylize it with headbands or barretts or bandanas (Hell, outfit accessories alone make me envious). I'm envious of wearing long skirts. I want to go to parties wearing dresses that have limitless variety in terms of styles and color instead of the same old black suit. I’m *really* envious of having breasts.

Additionally, I feel less anxious making friends with women than with men. All my best friends in high school were girls. There’s also that fact that my favorite characters in fiction tend to be female. Plus, in video games where I can customize a character, or at least choose between male or female, 9 times out of 10 I choose the female option. My guess is I do this as a means to vicariously live out the things I mentioned in the last paragraph.

 

The thing is, I'm not sure if this means I am actually trans or not.  I recently came across the term "demiguy" which I think might fit me and describe my desires to emulate women.  But other days those desires can intensify to the point where being a demiguy isn't enough.  Why the feelings intensify when they do, I don't know.

I just really need some way to sort out all these feelings so I can better understand myself, whatever the outcome may be. Thank you all for reading.

[DeeDee]

Hi there tapeleg - pleased to meet you,

14 minutes ago, tapeleg42 said:

I've been struggling with my thoughts on how I view myself and who/what I am for a some time now.

 

You have definitely come to the right place.  Read through the forums, watch videos and keep asking questions. Do not be in a hurry to give yourself a label though, I spent 40 years ticking that box on the forms without any difficulty, or thought. I assumed I was what i was told - where it did not match "male" was in my social interactions and my emotional views and feelings. I also cross dressed for years in female clothes but was so ashamed of it I never once mentioned it to friends and kept it hidden from family. 

19 minutes ago, tapeleg42 said:

sometimes I wish I was female

This is why you need to keep looking - you may just like expressing your feminine side and that is okay, but you may find your feelings go deeper too and have been there longer than you realised too. Unfortunately there is no trans check list.  

[VickySGV]

39 minutes ago, tapeleg42 said:

, I'm only attracted to women, which I think means I'm cis.

 

Actually, that means you are heterosexual, while presenting as a male.  You can carry the same orientation into Trans womanhood and be a Transbian aka Trans woman lesbian, of which I have many friends who are happy with their female partners.  Trans is about your identity, not about who you make love to.

 

40 minutes ago, tapeleg42 said:

I don't feel the kind of gender dysphoria some trans people do.

 

Yes, but you feel like a goodly crowd of other Trans people, these forums are full of that.   There is no single way to feel the dysphoria that makes it valid and a helluva nuisance in our lives, but all the ways it shows up does not negate it.  All that happens is that we waste time we could be out enjoying what we are.  Forget the labels and pigeon holing find your level of  comfort in either of two genders or an infinite number of others.

The help of a gender therapist is not a sign of mental illness, but rather of mental good health.  Finding who I really was opened the closet door and a whole load of self harm and self neglect turned around.  I am not trying to be mean by exploding two of your misunderstandings and hope I do not come across that way.

[tapeleg42]

 

9 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

 

Actually, that means you are heterosexual, while presenting as a male.  You can carry the same orientation into Trans womanhood and be a Transbian aka Trans woman lesbian, of which I have many friends who are happy with their female partners.  Trans is about your identity, not about who you make love to.

 

 

Yes, but you feel like a goodly crowd of other Trans people, these forums are full of that.   There is no single way to feel the dysphoria that makes it valid and a helluva nuisance in our lives, but all the ways it shows up does not negate it.  All that happens is that we waste time we could be out enjoying what we are.  Forget the labels and pigeon holing find your level of  comfort in either of two genders or an infinite number of others.

 

That makes me feel a bit better, to know that I'm not just making up my feelings and that others have gone through what I have.

 

11 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

The help of a gender therapist is not a sign of mental illness, but rather of mental good health.  Finding who I really was opened the closet door and a whole load of self harm and self neglect turned around.  I am not trying to be mean by exploding two of your misunderstandings and hope I do not come across that way.

 

You're not being mean, not at all.

42 minutes ago, DeeDee said:

This is why you need to keep looking - you may just like expressing your feminine side and that is okay, but you may find your feelings go deeper too and have been there longer than you realised too. Unfortunately there is no trans check list.  

 

I think there might have been some instances when I was a child and I had these feelings.  The two that I know happened were after I read The Land of Oz, were the boy Tip finds out that he is actually Queen Ozma who was transformed into a boy when she was an infant, and a Marvin Redpost book where Marvin thinks he is turning into a girl.   Looking back I think I might've read the Marvin Redpost book because I might've wondered if it was possible for me to do the same.

[michelle_kitten]

Hey there.

 

Like you, I love all the girl options.  Shopping is totally more fun for girls than guys!

 

The big thing I would like to stress is you don't have to decide if your trans, or anything else right away.  Take your time.  Learn about the ups and downs of each option.  The only label you need is "me," and it is perfectly okay if you are confused, unsure, or just curious at the moment.  What you are now is probably going to evolve some as you go.  That's okay too, if you are being honest with yourself.

 

I had my first therapy appointment today.  It was really a great experience to just be able to come in and vomit all over this person about my life and the way I am feeling.  My therapist has handled many cases like mine.  She was able to handle the cognitive dissonance between the way I look and the way I feel.  There was no judgement.  I felt perfectly at ease with her.  I think she was surprised at how open and honest I was on the first visit, but then again I saw no reason to hide anything.

 

So, I agree with others.  Seeing a therapist is a great step you can take to get everything sorted out.  It may not be the only thing you do.  For me a lot of personal research is going on.  It is a big help to verbalize to a neutral third party the way you feel and think about this subject.

 

Great to have you here.  ?

[tapeleg42]

13 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Seeing a therapist is a great step you can take to get everything sorted out.  It may not be the only thing you do.  For me a lot of personal research is going on.  It is a big help to verbalize to a neutral third party the way you feel and think about this subject.

 

Great to have you here.  ?

 

Yeah, I already feel a bit more relaxed about myself just getting this out in the open somewhere.  I've actually posted the original message on other trans forums, but two of them I never got any response, and another marked it as spam.  You all are the first people to say anything, and I really appreciate how immediately welcoming everyone is.  Thank you all so much.

I'm going to start looking into therapy, but I'll need to make sure I can afford it (Hopefully my insurance will cover some of the cost).  I look forward to talking with everyone more!