Feeling at ease with being trans

[Makayla2019]

Hi all. 

I was set a question by my councillor who asked me to think about what being trans meant to me. What did that do to me or make me think/ feel. 

 

I have ave been struggling with it a little as I am not sure if I can differentiate the feelings. So I was wondering if others would be happy to share their feelings?

 

i guess to start here are a few of the things i think about when I say I am a trans or I think about being trans. 

 

When I say I am trans it feels scary but nice

It’s exciting emotionally

my heart races a little

i imagine being able to present to the world as female

 

Admitting to myself I am trans gives me confidence to face the world. 

I am less conscious about having female traits / body language. In fact it’s more like I want to embrace it more. 

I can imagine being able to get rid of my body hair. Not having to shave. 

I would love to wear a short skirt with bare legs. 

I feel I would be able to make friends more easily. 

 

I would be less self self conscious about I passing. 

 

What really scares me though is that often if I think like this I get aroused. 

 

What or how does that differ or align with your views?

thinking about it. It’s a lot to do with Appearance. 

Edited April 17, 2019 by Charlize
spelling change to increase legibility

[DeeDee]

For me this was not an easy question to answer honestly until very recently. Intellectually I was able to answer the question am I cisgender? months ago - when I look at my male friends or my sisters partners, while we share some tastes there are so many differences. For me being trans allows me to stop trying to present myself as someone I am not. It lets me be who I am in front of other people instead of being who I think people want. The fact that it also allows me to dress or do makeup in a way that makes me feel prettier on the outside than I feel inside sometimes is a bonus, and something I currently feel I could not do "as a man". 

There are times when I am dressed as Dee that I do get turned on, less since I have made a point of thinking about if I am dressing to get turned on or getting turned on by how I am dressing - I started buying the clothes I would like to go out in day to day which are not sexy in any way but still what I want to wear instead of my male clothes; but given how low my self-esteem is the rest of the time, is it really a bad thing if I daydream sometimes about someone finding me attractive? I think that's normal for most people or it would not be a multi billion dollar industry.

 

Being Trans is also terrifying because I cannot ignore it and hope I stop feeling this way and just go back to being manly.  It means that I risk losing my children if they cannot accept me, it means making myself vulnerable and open to ridicule and attack from work colleagues and standing down from my current job and moving further south to areas that I know have lgbtqia+ communities knowing that while I can continue in ministry it may not be in a parish somewhere. I love chaplaincy and youth outreach, so it may also open up avenues of ministry I have never explored before, as with my faith I know that God made me this way and fully accepts me without doubt or question. It's other people that will struggle to accept me as me. My entire life is going to change, I can live without my white male privilege, but hopefully I will be strong enough to keep peeling back those layers and get to the point of being happy with myself enough to not mind being a "freak" to others who just don't get it.. good post, keep working on your feelings and you will figure them out eventually  

[Kirsten]

This is a hard question to answer. What does trans mean to me? I guess there’s 2 answers for me.

The first simple answer is nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. Am I trans? Yeah. Does it mean things are different for me? I guess. But everyone is different. Everyone has mountains to climb and goals to reach. I just happen to be transgender. But I’m still simply me. An awesome girl from central mass who loves her family, staying fit, and motivating people. A girl who wants to change the world in her own way and won’t take no for an answer. Being transgender is just a label. 

 

The second answer is more complex though. Because it means having to overcome hurdles that most don’t. It means things are more difficult a lot of the time. It means people won’t even give me a chance at times because I’m transgender. It means I have to prove myself in a lot of places other wouldn’t. It means I have a responsibility to my community and for those who follow in my footsteps. It means there’s work to be done based solely on the fact that this question still needs to be asked. 

But truthfully and honestly it also means I will end up having some amazing opportunities to both learn and grow as an individual that most wont. That I get to have one of the most unique points of view of anyone on earth. And that’s where my motivation comes from. 

And that makes it such a positive thing to me. I am truly blessed to be transgender. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Even being born cis. Cis is boring. Trans is AWESOME!! 

[Makayla2019]

Thanks @DeeDee and @Kirsten for sharing. 

I think whats interesting for me is that I would relate more to Deedee and maybe that’s due to the circumstances more than anything. 

I came back from my session today and really wants me to focus on separating the fetish thing from being trans. Which made sense and I will work on that. The hardest part I think is really trying to distinguish feelings like you both have shared. 

I know i Am ultimately different to other cisMales but when she asked if I was non binary it didn’t feel right. There was a strong sense of no. And I almost had a feeling of loss or sadness when we talked about or thought about not being trans. Like there is a longing. I just can’t tell if that’s real or fabricated. 

And even after all this I really do admit -crap- I am trans and proud. Could I be so embracing if it like Kirsten. Not sure but deep down I feel like I would really want to be. Like some has let me out of the bag so to speak. 

 

Hugs 

M

[DeeDee]

Makayla, I think the biggest differences between Kirstin and I is probably time and how far along the path of acceptance we each are. I am starting to want to get to her level of acceptance and embrace who I am.

 

Like going on holiday to a place feels different to living there. At the moment I am seen as male 99% of the time, with the exception of one of my sisters no-one I know or care about has seen me in female clothing, so being Dee online or being able to dress is like a comfort and an escape, but I do like being perceived as Dee - interacting online as female is not a turn on or a fetish - in fact when I was looking for tg communities I scared myself when I accidentally wandered into an online dating site which I had thought was a tg friendship site, that might be what others want and is fine for them but I do not want that. I want to be a person not an object. Here I am just me  - not pretending or saying what I think people want to hear and it feels so very comfortable and right to me ? 

 

So I have done a lot of worrying and questioning and am starting to get to the point where I want to see if that perception of masculinity that I have carefully crafted over the years can change which means waiting for my appointment in October and then telling someone where I am at and that I want to try hrt to see if it feels right. Kirstin has already gone past all of those points and so she knows who she is. ?? 

 

I think you have already asked this, but to remove the fetish element wear what Makayla would wear day to day to go grocery shopping, or cycling, or take the bins out, or to work, or whatever it is you do - take it outside the realm of fantasy and into the real world..Do you still want to be Makayla? You are perceived as her here and we do not see what you are wearing - how does it feel to be accepted as a woman here?  

[Jani]

10 hours ago, Makayla2019 said:

Which made sense and I will work on that.

This is good.  I think compartmentalizing these feelings will help you better understand them.  

 

As Dee suggests if you could get to a comfort level where everyday activities as Makayla become "normal" that would certainly help you.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[Makayla2019]

@DeeDee I certainly feel like a woman when I am here for sure. 100%. And I do not find this a turn on either it’s just such a relief to be able to meet and talk openly and as myself I guess. So thanks for that. Hehe 

Whilst I am a long way from being on hrt the thought of wanting to understand what it would feel like is there. 

The one most normal thing I find right now is walking more femme. It feels so right more confident and more natural each time. I want to try wearing normal outfits more and will try and do that. My outfits now are very fashion based not sexy but I still find I go for a boot. But as my counsel Says I just like them hehe. 

[Jani]

59 minutes ago, Makayla2019 said:

I want to try wearing normal outfits more and will try and do that.

Very good!   

[ToniTone]

For me, it's a component of who I am. There's other things that contribute to defining me. Religiously, I'm discordian. Politically, I'm an anarchist. Musically, I love all music (except country and worship music), but mostly I'm a punk rocker. Ethnically, I'm a lighter shade of beige American. Sexually, I think I'm panromantic ace (still figuring that one out). And my gender is transfeminine. These are all a bunch of fancy words so other people can try to understand who I am, meer utterances and scribblings. 

 

That said, I love being trans. I live who I am, and my identity. I love the community. I feel content and like myself embracing my identity! ❤️

 

~Toni

[Makayla2019]

@ToniTone thanks for the reply. There is a lot to be said for embracing ones true identity and loving ones self. I am starting to realise that to truly do that I need to be honest first. Small steps but we are getting there. 

Mom a positive note I went and picked up a new handbag today and a soft dress. No leather. No boots. Ok I had my leather biker jacket on whilst driving. But I didn’t get aroused and I was actually quite thrilled at the site of my first handbag. I just wanted to throw it over the shoulder and be on my way. Small steps again. Hehe. 

Hugs 

M

[Makayla2019]

So I guess I failed but probably found or realised something today and I feel quite sad in a way. 

 

So so I had the chance to try a new dress I bought and I felt grest doing so. I paired this with a pair of white sneakers. And it looked and felt great. 

I gave into temptation though and paired it with my leather biker jacket. Felt awesome. 

Mad the day passed I eventually found myself getting let’s say -excited-. And again gave in to temptation and wearing my boots and letting my leather fetish take over. 

So I guess I am just a cross dresser with a leather fetish. 

Like I said though. Made me feel sad thinking about it. 

[Jani]

You didn't fail.  You got so far before realizing you really enjoy the leather.  You can work on having leather free days if that is what you would like.  Otherwise stay calm and don't be sad.  

 

Jani

[GothicLucas]

Hey, I may be playing devil's advocate here, but why do therapists always tell us that we need to sort out the fetish from the "true" feelings of being transgender? Why does feeling hot negate the probability that one is indeed trans? Sex and sexuality are a natural and healthy part of life, so long as they aren't causing grief or distress (as in an addiction or something) and things that make you profoundly happy...it makes sense to me that these things cause arousal sometimes.

What if you're a transwoman with a leather fetish? Is it wrong to suggest that? I'm not MTF (other way around) so I'm sorry if I'm overlooking something or overstepping my place. It just makes me sad to see so many people wrestle with the notion of "I get turned on when I think of/dress as my crossgender self, so I'm not really trans." I also feel like this only gets applied to transfeminine people. Neither I nor any of my transmasc buddies have ever been asked if we get turned on when we wear suits.

[Kirsten]

You should never be sad to learn something about yourself! Self acceptance is so very important in every facet of life. 

 

Can i I ask how did you feel in the dress and sneakers? Did you feel more comfortable than your male clothes? Was it a feeling that you prefer over your daily dressing? 

 

Remember there are women who have leather fetishes as well. Just because you have a fetish doesn’t mean anything when it comes to your gender. I can see this being a difficult issue to comb thru for anyone, but it definitely needs to be for your own sanity.

 

Try not to get down on yourself though. No matter what you end up learning about yourself, it’s going to be great! It’s you!! 

[Kirsten]

Just now, GothicLucas said:

Hey, I may be playing devil's advocate here, but why do therapists always tell us that we need to sort out the fetish from the "true" feelings of being transgender?

I think this is so that we don’t make a rash decision like medically transitioning if we aren’t completely sure. Most people don’t go to therapy sure they’re trans and ready to transition. They go to learn more about themselves and to work through their own jumbled thoughts. Until you have a clear picture of yourself, what you want, and who you are, you’re really not able to make the best decision for yourself. But that’s just my opinion. 

[GothicLucas]

Just now, Kirsten said:

I think this is so that we don’t make a rash decision like medically transitioning if we aren’t completely sure. Most people don’t go to therapy sure they’re trans and ready to transition. They go to learn more about themselves and to work through their own jumbled thoughts. Until you have a clear picture of yourself, what you want, and who you are, you’re really not able to make the best decision for yourself. But that’s just my opinion. 

I agree, this journey can be very confusing, but it seems strange to me that specifically sexual arousal precludes someone from being transgender, as it is then labeled "just" a fetish. I don't want to make it seem like everyone should go into this knowing what they want, though--please, everyone continue to explore your thoughts and feelings to get a better sense of yourself!

[Kirsten]

I don’t know that it precludes them. But it can definitely cloud their personal judgement. That’s why it’s important to learn if you only have these feelings with that extra stimulant, or if it is more. 

 

Basically to me its a better safe than sorry mentality. And I think that’s a good thing. 

[Makayla2019]

Thanks @Jani I will keep going. Maybe it’s cos most of my wardrobe is that way oriented. Hard to hide a full wardrobe in the closet haha. 

Thanks @Kirsten your words means so much. I felt great in the dress and sneakers. So much more comfortable than my normal attire. Like it’s normal actually. I tried another outfit on which was just leggings and jumper and even that makes me feel so much more st ease. Even walking round house barefoot. 

Finally @GothicLucas thanks for sharing and your support. It’s certainly something I have discussed with my therapist and she does encourage me to explore the fact I just like both elements. And they are not connected. It does however cloud the judgement as the for so long I just thought of this as a leather and bondage type thing. But only over last few years has the idea that maybe I am trans has become apparent. The scary bit is whether your fetish just adapts to new things. But I certainly buy into the whole I enjoy looking great. As when I try clothes men’s clothes I always feel crap about myself but in my frma attire I just feel so much more. How does it work for yourself ? Do you find it to be empowering? Is it more a sense of comfort? These are certainly things it does for me. Love to hear. Back

 

hugs all

M

xoxox

[Jani]

I admit that I used to feel great (empowered?  Sure!) whenever I dressed nicely.  Now its no different except as my sister told me early on "you don't need an excuse to dress nice" and she is right.  I'm not talking about dressing to the nines all the time but not slumming around in jeans.  A nice pair of slacks, or skirt in the summer, along with a coordinating top looks good even for grocery shopping!  

 

Jani

[Makayla2019]

Just now, Jani said:

you don't need an excuse to dress nice" and she is right.

I couldn’t agree more ?

[Makayla2019]

So just been out for dinner and I found that I am just transfixed by every lady in the restaurant. But I feel like I am really just admiring the outfits and wishing I looked that good. I don’t feel like I am looking from a physical attraction but purely appearance and clothing. How do you tell the difference between this two feelings? I am not sure I can tell any more. 

 

Is this a normal female trait? If I was out in the restaurant as Makayla I wondered if I would have still found myself doing the same thing. 

 

M. 

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Makayla2019 said:

Is this a normal female trait? If I was out in the restaurant as Makayla I wondered if I would have still found myself doing the same thing. 

Not to generalize but I think this is fairly common.  There's a saying I've heard that woman don't dress for themselves but for other women.  i.e. to show their style...  

 

I look at how others dress to see how they blend colors and styles.  

[ToniTone]

I find myself doing that alot. For me some of it is attraction tbh. But mostly I just admire women's styles, and kinda envy them too. I long for the day when I'll confidently enough be able to present more and dress up, and be in a position to. 

[Makayla2019]

@Jani I guess deep down I had thought that to be the case. 

I cant help but think or worry I am creating problems or roadblocks from accepting the truth either way. 

The desire to be able to do out in public as femme is at an all time high.i am even starting to worry less about going out as androgynous. Ie very male but with very much a femme outfit.

@ToniTone I agree. I find I am so attracted to what other ladies are wearing. I find I can’t not look any more. I am also longing to be able to dress freely. 

I was out shopping with the wife yesterday. And I was picking out outfits. Even the shop assistant was impressed. 

Now that’s my other challenge. Can I really live with this. Without needing to go further.