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Cassie

I was molested as a child, then raped as a teen.

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Cassie

Hi. I don't really have a question, just thought it might be therapeutic to write about what happened to me and some consequences I just recently figured out. Maybe get your thoughts on it. Sorry if it's long. 

 

I was born in a male body. I was sexually molested and emotionally and physically (at times violently) abused for several years by a neighbor. It started when I was five. She was paid by my parents to babysit me. Back then I had a nanny who took care of me at her house during the day (raised me more than my parents did), so I only had to see the sitter when my parents went out at night, which was a lot. Then my nanny's family moved her away and I became a latch-key kid. The sitter (I don't say her name, it's still painful) then was tasked with "watching me" after school. That's when things got rough. I'll spare the specifics but one time her father had to stitch up my head where she had "accidentally" bashed it on my parents brick hearth. She told him I was clumsy, and I went along with it because I loved her. She was much older than me, but my only friend. Then she started bringing her friend over to share the fun. I did attempt a few times to tell my parents, but they weren't very receptive and didn't want to be bothered. Anyway, it eventually stopped when they moved away. 

 

Fast forward to high school, where I'm really screwed up. I'm cutting classes, cutting myself, drinking, etc. My grades were mediocre. I always got 99th percentiles on national tests, so they put me in the honors program, but I got B's and C's. I aced their exams and papers but never did any homework, because I hated that house (still do). Anyway my parents reaction was to put me in therapy to fix my grades (not any of the other stuff). I went to a series of psychiatrists, but I only remember the last one because he molested? raped? me. Pretty sure it was more than once. I thought I deserved it. (I have the most negative inner voice on the planet). Since then, whenever I've felt depressed (often) I would seek out men for anonymous sex. It was never satisfying, and I always felt horrible, defiled and used after. I was really confused about it because I'm not attracted to men at all. I knew I was different, and I knew I wasn't straight, but didn't seem to be gay either. But when I closed my eyes during the encounters, or remembered them later, I was a girl being used for pleasure. I just never gave that part any deep thought. Maybe I didn't want to know. 

 

Anyway, it took me years to finally figure out that on the inside, I *am* a girl, and that as a girl I'm attracted to strong lesbians. The worst part is that I think that if the rape and molestation and abuse didn't happen, then I might have figured this out years ago, maybe when I was young enough to do something about it. I don't think the abuse made me this way, I think my broken psyche's reaction to it all muddied the waters. I really really hate that after all these years it's still screwing me up. 

 

 

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EliAtkins

Cassie, my heart goes out to you for what you've been through.  No one deserves that!

 

Still, I'm glad you're able to look past what happened and see yourself for who you are!

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Cassie
1 hour ago, EliAtkins said:

Cassie, my heart goes out to you for what you've been through.  No one deserves that!

 

Still, I'm glad you're able to look past what happened and see yourself for who you are!

Thanks. :)

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VickySGV

We are learning today, that what you endured as a child did not make you Trans, but probably masked your being Trans from you and others.  Not to be grim, but the masking could well have saved you from even more abuse than you did have.  Trans people are some of, if not the most, resilient people in the world and you story shows you are one of us for that trait to be sure.  For now, take a break from any sexuality focus and work on getting to know your True Gender and how it can help you deal with the past as far as losing the fear and shame that hit us all too often.  The sexuality can be dealt with soon enough, but it is not the first thing to deal with, since without an idea of yourself, relating to others is nearly impossible..

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Cassie
18 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

We are learning today, that what you endured as a child did not make you Trans, but probably masked your being Trans from you and others.  Not to be grim, but the masking could well have saved you from even more abuse than you did have.  Trans people are some of, if not the most, resilient people in the world and you story shows you are one of us for that trait to be sure.  For now, take a break from any sexuality focus and work on getting to know your True Gender and how it can help you deal with the past as far as losing the fear and shame that hit us all too often.  The sexuality can be dealt with soon enough, but it is not the first thing to deal with, since without an idea of yourself, relating to others is nearly impossible..

That's really good advice and my therapist agrees. I'm just trying to process all of this stuff from the past and get comfortable with the new revelations. I know I'm not coming out until my kids are off to college in a few years, so I've got some time. Thanks for the kind words. :)

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