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ToniTone

Toni's Tale

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ToniTone

So I've decided to start a thread as a blog of sorts, the primary dialogue being a chronicle of my transition as it unfolds (I don't at all mind if we go on tangents or chit chat). I hope this is ok. I saw other posters do similar threads and skimmed through them. Perhaps it's neater and more concise than creating a new thread for  every event that happens in my transition. I've also been posting more photos of myself than usual on fb too, for the sake of keeping recordvof my appearance as it changes, for feminine or worse. 

 

I felt very inspired and feel it's important to do journaling like this, to appreciate who you were, are, and what you could become. 

 

So I'll spare you every little detail and fear and concern I had before starting my transition. Y'all probably experienced a lot of these anxieties anyway, and you could probably search my older posts if you're interested. But I'll try to briefly prelude to where I am at wpresently: 

 

So to begin, I'm amab and transfeminine. I never really identified as a male. Of course at five years old (at least in 1990) you don't really have conceptualization or a dialogue of gender, you're just a kid who has a penchant for Cheetos and Super Mario Bros. 2 (and of course Princess Toadstool is your favorite character, she's a princess and she can fly!). But at daycare or the playground, I almost exclusively preferred to sit somewhere comfortable with the girls and play with dolls and My Little Ponys, seldom I'd go on muddy adventures outdoor with the boys. I honestly didn't know the difference between girls and boys back then. I just knew I preferred their gentler conpany and colorful pretty toys. The babysitters would try to discourage me from playing with the girls and their things. I remember feeling so confused and broken hearted when I was told to run along, I'm a boy, I'm not supposed to play with these things, I should play with action figures and matchbox cars and kick mud and bugs. Eventually, I kinda secluded and didn't play with anyone. I was mute until I was like 8 and very shy.

 

My tween years I got really into playing Nintendo (Sega, too). This was so therapeutic for me! I still didn't grasp gender at these younger years, I had as many girls playing 2 player with me at Mario Kart or trading Pokemon as boys. In retrospect, I see gaming as a gender neutral activity. For some of us, it was a magical escape from the troubles at school or our home life... 

 

omg I gotta stop, I'm crying! A bit of sorrow, alot of nostalgia... :.; 

 

and I gotta get to classes.

Thanks for reading thusfar ❤️

I'll pick up with the intro part later, my high school and college years, when everything got RADICAL! 

 

Stay RADICAL, my friends! 

~Toni

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Kirsten

Great start Toni! 

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ToniTone

Thanks Kirsten ❤️ Tbh your thread was one of the ones that inspired me to make my own. 

 

So, highschool... 

It was a very chaotic, dramatic time for me. My folks (chiefly my pa) were involved as associates with running for a biker club and ended up losing custody of me. I wound up in foster homes and ran away alot and wound up on the streets. I got emancipated when I was 16 and wound up living with my ex gf and her family for the rest of my high school years. 

 

Very early on in our relationship, one night we were looking at androgynous art and fashion photography and began a very casual conversation about androgyny and bisexuality. And it was that night I realized my identity at the time as androgynous (and bisexual). And it was that simple. It never really came up in dialogue or anything, it's just who I was. And it's how I lived through art school, which was an awesome four years of living here in the TCs, learning and socializing among free, progressive and radical thinkers. 

 

The eight years of high school and college, with my ex, and all my artist and punk rock friends... living in a time and community where I was out and free to be me, they were some of the happiest years of my life! 

 

But then immediately after I graduated in may 2009, things quickly took a turn. My ex and I grew apart and had a rough break up. I fell into a deep depression. Lost both my jobs, my apartment, my screen printing and music studios. Then (during the economic recession) all my debts compounded... I reached out to my estranged family (who I never (yet) came out to). The only one who really helped me and who I really care for, my ma, let me stay at her place for the past decade. I alternated between staying there, hotels, renting rooms at friends' and sleeping in tents or under bridges out in the woods. 

 

I also gave up my music and art career in place of working concrete and manual labor jobs to make ends. I've became very strained and injured from this. All this anxiety, depression and physical pain led to me becoming fully addicted to alcohol and heroin. 

 

The past ten years is just one big dark blur to me. Ten years of struggle, of breaking my back to make ends, of moving from place to place and being homeless for most of it. Ten years of heavy sedative abuse to numb the pain, sorrow and self loathing. Ten years of living the facade of a hetero cis-male, because I felt like I had to man up for my family and for my occupation. Ten years of slowly killing myself... 

 

October 6th 2018 (at the age of 32), I checked into treatment, and have lived sober since. Over six months sobriety now! 

 

I'ma save this post, and start another one in a bit. Now that I have the pertinent (and ugly) background story down, I can start talking about how I recently came to realize my true identity as transfeminine and me in the beginning of my transition. My present moment of peace and joy in my life, and how I'm finally living for me! ❤️

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Kirsten
5 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Thanks Kirsten ❤️ Tbh your thread was one of the ones that inspired me to make my own. 

❤️❤️❤️

 

ill be following along. 

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ToniTone

CW: from here on out, this thread may contain dialogue about my experience transitioning and on feminizing hrt, with dysphoria, drugs and alcohol, and sexual and sexuality related matters. I'll be vague and refrain from getting graphic about these things

 

Coming to realize myself again

 

So I've been in treatment for six months now, and I've been reflecting alot on my life so far. Being drunk and sedated was like being numb, I just tried to dumb my brain as much as possible. Gender dysphoria wasn't the only factor in my addiction, but in retrospect, it played a major part in it. I must say, since I started hrt, I've felt more euphoric, naturally. I feel like something was off chemically my whole life. Since starting hrt, I feel that edge starting to soften. Maybe it's just psychological, I dunno. Whatever it is, it feels right. 

 

So a few months ago, I started questioning my gender (and sexuality) again. I talked alot with a friend who is trans. Unfortunately, she's kinda ghosting me right now because of a schism we had with a mutual best friend, so none of us are talking now... Sigh. Honestly, I was/am crushing on her. She's beautiful, not just her looks, but as a whole. I really admired her coming out, and embracing her transgender identity and the aesthetic she desires to convey. I admire this about all trans folk, the ambition to externalize who we truly are internally. 

 

So I came to this forum and other support networks, studied and inquired much into transgenderism and the community, transitioning and such. There was anxiety about my dysphoria and conversely the fear of change.  But I finally broke the facade I assumed the past decade and realized who I am. I am a transfeminine woman, I'm demisexual and panromantic. And ever since, just knowing, accepting and embracing these aspects of my identity and who I am, I've been content, more than ever in the past ten years. Maybe ever. 

 

I started hrt a week ago, and it just feels right. I feel like subconsciously I wanted, nay needed this my whole life. It feels great to finally get the pharmacological process of transition started! I'm so happy in my life right now! I just keep moving forward in life and embrace me now! 

 

Thanks for reading ❤️ I'm sure I'll have more streams of thoughts to come

 

~Toni

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Kirsten

Very nice overview of where you’re from. It sounds like it has been rough and that’s a pretty common theme for trans people. Glad to have you here and I look forward to more. ❤️❤️

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