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ToniTone

Toni's Tale

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ToniTone

So I've decided to start a thread as a blog of sorts, the primary dialogue being a chronicle of my transition as it unfolds (I don't at all mind if we go on tangents or chit chat). I hope this is ok. I saw other posters do similar threads and skimmed through them. Perhaps it's neater and more concise than creating a new thread for  every event that happens in my transition. I've also been posting more photos of myself than usual on fb too, for the sake of keeping recordvof my appearance as it changes, for feminine or worse. 

 

I felt very inspired and feel it's important to do journaling like this, to appreciate who you were, are, and what you could become. 

 

So I'll spare you every little detail and fear and concern I had before starting my transition. Y'all probably experienced a lot of these anxieties anyway, and you could probably search my older posts if you're interested. But I'll try to briefly prelude to where I am at wpresently: 

 

So to begin, I'm amab and transfeminine. I never really identified as a male. Of course at five years old (at least in 1990) you don't really have conceptualization or a dialogue of gender, you're just a kid who has a penchant for Cheetos and Super Mario Bros. 2 (and of course Princess Toadstool is your favorite character, she's a princess and she can fly!). But at daycare or the playground, I almost exclusively preferred to sit somewhere comfortable with the girls and play with dolls and My Little Ponys, seldom I'd go on muddy adventures outdoor with the boys. I honestly didn't know the difference between girls and boys back then. I just knew I preferred their gentler conpany and colorful pretty toys. The babysitters would try to discourage me from playing with the girls and their things. I remember feeling so confused and broken hearted when I was told to run along, I'm a boy, I'm not supposed to play with these things, I should play with action figures and matchbox cars and kick mud and bugs. Eventually, I kinda secluded and didn't play with anyone. I was mute until I was like 8 and very shy.

 

My tween years I got really into playing Nintendo (Sega, too). This was so therapeutic for me! I still didn't grasp gender at these younger years, I had as many girls playing 2 player with me at Mario Kart or trading Pokemon as boys. In retrospect, I see gaming as a gender neutral activity. For some of us, it was a magical escape from the troubles at school or our home life... 

 

omg I gotta stop, I'm crying! A bit of sorrow, alot of nostalgia... :.; 

 

and I gotta get to classes.

Thanks for reading thusfar ❤️

I'll pick up with the intro part later, my high school and college years, when everything got RADICAL! 

 

Stay RADICAL, my friends! 

~Toni

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Kirsten

Great start Toni! 

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ToniTone

Thanks Kirsten ❤️ Tbh your thread was one of the ones that inspired me to make my own. 

 

So, highschool... 

It was a very chaotic, dramatic time for me. My folks (chiefly my pa) were involved as associates with running for a biker club and ended up losing custody of me. I wound up in foster homes and ran away alot and wound up on the streets. I got emancipated when I was 16 and wound up living with my ex gf and her family for the rest of my high school years. 

 

Very early on in our relationship, one night we were looking at androgynous art and fashion photography and began a very casual conversation about androgyny and bisexuality. And it was that night I realized my identity at the time as androgynous (and bisexual). And it was that simple. It never really came up in dialogue or anything, it's just who I was. And it's how I lived through art school, which was an awesome four years of living here in the TCs, learning and socializing among free, progressive and radical thinkers. 

 

The eight years of high school and college, with my ex, and all my artist and punk rock friends... living in a time and community where I was out and free to be me, they were some of the happiest years of my life! 

 

But then immediately after I graduated in may 2009, things quickly took a turn. My ex and I grew apart and had a rough break up. I fell into a deep depression. Lost both my jobs, my apartment, my screen printing and music studios. Then (during the economic recession) all my debts compounded... I reached out to my estranged family (who I never (yet) came out to). The only one who really helped me and who I really care for, my ma, let me stay at her place for the past decade. I alternated between staying there, hotels, renting rooms at friends' and sleeping in tents or under bridges out in the woods. 

 

I also gave up my music and art career in place of working concrete and manual labor jobs to make ends. I've became very strained and injured from this. All this anxiety, depression and physical pain led to me becoming fully addicted to alcohol and heroin. 

 

The past ten years is just one big dark blur to me. Ten years of struggle, of breaking my back to make ends, of moving from place to place and being homeless for most of it. Ten years of heavy sedative abuse to numb the pain, sorrow and self loathing. Ten years of living the facade of a hetero cis-male, because I felt like I had to man up for my family and for my occupation. Ten years of slowly killing myself... 

 

October 6th 2018 (at the age of 32), I checked into treatment, and have lived sober since. Over six months sobriety now! 

 

I'ma save this post, and start another one in a bit. Now that I have the pertinent (and ugly) background story down, I can start talking about how I recently came to realize my true identity as transfeminine and me in the beginning of my transition. My present moment of peace and joy in my life, and how I'm finally living for me! ❤️

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Kirsten
5 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Thanks Kirsten ❤️ Tbh your thread was one of the ones that inspired me to make my own. 

❤️❤️❤️

 

ill be following along. 

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ToniTone

CW: from here on out, this thread may contain dialogue about my experience transitioning and on feminizing hrt, with dysphoria, drugs and alcohol, and sexual and sexuality related matters. I'll be vague and refrain from getting graphic about these things

 

Coming to realize myself again

 

So I've been in treatment for six months now, and I've been reflecting alot on my life so far. Being drunk and sedated was like being numb, I just tried to dumb my brain as much as possible. Gender dysphoria wasn't the only factor in my addiction, but in retrospect, it played a major part in it. I must say, since I started hrt, I've felt more euphoric, naturally. I feel like something was off chemically my whole life. Since starting hrt, I feel that edge starting to soften. Maybe it's just psychological, I dunno. Whatever it is, it feels right. 

 

So a few months ago, I started questioning my gender (and sexuality) again. I talked alot with a friend who is trans. Unfortunately, she's kinda ghosting me right now because of a schism we had with a mutual best friend, so none of us are talking now... Sigh. Honestly, I was/am crushing on her. She's beautiful, not just her looks, but as a whole. I really admired her coming out, and embracing her transgender identity and the aesthetic she desires to convey. I admire this about all trans folk, the ambition to externalize who we truly are internally. 

 

So I came to this forum and other support networks, studied and inquired much into transgenderism and the community, transitioning and such. There was anxiety about my dysphoria and conversely the fear of change.  But I finally broke the facade I assumed the past decade and realized who I am. I am a transfeminine woman, I'm demisexual and panromantic. And ever since, just knowing, accepting and embracing these aspects of my identity and who I am, I've been content, more than ever in the past ten years. Maybe ever. 

 

I started hrt a week ago, and it just feels right. I feel like subconsciously I wanted, nay needed this my whole life. It feels great to finally get the pharmacological process of transition started! I'm so happy in my life right now! I just keep moving forward in life and embrace me now! 

 

Thanks for reading ❤️ I'm sure I'll have more streams of thoughts to come

 

~Toni

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Kirsten

Very nice overview of where you’re from. It sounds like it has been rough and that’s a pretty common theme for trans people. Glad to have you here and I look forward to more. ❤️❤️

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ToniTone

cw: a brief, vague mention of arousal down the post, and on teste shrinkage, on hrt

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Just thought I'd give a little update for my fans, lol! 

 

So I came out to my ma sunday. It was bitter sweet. She doesn't understand and is very naive about it. But she still loves me. I posted more about it in the Coming Out thread. I don't really want to rehash it here right now. I'm just relieved that part is passed. Sigh... 

 

So, I've been on feminizing hrt for two weeks now. And I feel great! I dunno, perhaps I'm psyching myself, but whatever. It feels good to finally be pursuing this. Every morning I look forward to taking my estradiol/spiro and a cup of coffee. I think my skin has become less greasy. 

 

I think my testes shrank a little. Like 1/8 in maybe? I dunno, I don't measure those. But they seem a little smaller, which is nice. 

 

I've also been very aroused, but without anxiety. And Ive actually enjoyed some climax for like the first time in years. It was always very dysphoric, even painful for me. It feels different now, I enjoyed it. But it's not like I'm super aroused all the time, just as the mood arises.

 

Something feels different now, I think my body chemistry is more as it should be now. I'm very happy with where I'm going here!

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ToniTone

I also started creating stuff again. For the past ten years, I haven't really made any art or anything, just got wasted and destroyed stuff. Toxic masculinity I suppose. 

 

I started a music project called Toxic Femininity. I'm hoping to get more fems involved but for now it's a lazy solo project. Edm witch house with a punk rock edginess. I want to take power away from bigotry with this play on words. 

 

I've been drawing, writing poetry and started working on jewelry and accessories again too! It feels good to create again, rather than just destroy. 

 

❤️

~Toni

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DeeDee

Thanks for the update - I worry about telling my mum due to not knowing how extreme she could react -  I am also very curious to see how hormones impact me (though it will either be the end of this year or beginning of next before I get to them) - from my reading it is a very obvious yay or nay moment for a lot of trans folk.  Also if you want to share your art or jewellery please do - 💛 I love seeing other peoples creativity even though I have very little of my own 🙂

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ToniTone

Sure! I'm not sure what folks here use for image sharing but I'd be glad to!

 

I don't know your situation or what to tell you.

But my ma is extremely emotional and ignorant to queer matters. It was really akward and it disappointed me how naive she is about it (ie she thinks it's a phase, and won't use my she/her pronouns (which I'm kinda ok with I guess)). Part of my wishes I didn't come out to her. But I guess I'm content now that I did, it was so big a secret to keep. 

 

Well, you have some time to study on and contemplate hrt, and perhaps see a gender counselor if you don't already. Whatever may happen, may it go well for you! ❤️

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ToniTone

I'm feeling a bit down today. I'm really tired from work and I'm feeling very dysphoric about my body. 

 

This job is exhausting. Maybe I should switch departments. Or apply at a pizza or coffee shop, I miss working in pizza shops... Ugh, I just feel like the wash department is such a guys job. Like, maybe I'm working muscles that aren't conducive to a feminine body shape. Or sweating out the estradiol or something? I dunno, maybe it'll help keep me fit? I doubt it. And I got scuffs and scratches all over, and a big deep cut on my elbow that'll definitely leave a scar. I just dunno... 

 

Then I got home and took a shower. When I got out I accidentally caught a look of my body in the mirror. Total disgust. I still got love handles. And I have kind of broad chest and shoulders, and a thick neck. More facial and body hair than I know what to do with. I can never keep up plucking it all. Sigh, I'm ugly. I'll probably be an ugly woman too. 

 

Maybe I'll be a wonderful transfeminine woman though..? 

 

Well anyway, I'm home, I'm clean, and I'm clothed covering my eyes from my shameful body. So I guess I can be content with that and settle in for a relaxing evening. 

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Jani

Don't despair Toni.  The job is providing an income and thats good.  Keep your eyes open for other opportunities.  Don't worry about the scar, everyone gets them.  It will fade.  As to love handles start an exercise regimen, even if for a few unites per day.  Watch your diet too!  

 

13 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Well anyway, I'm home, I'm clean, and I'm clothed...

This is good. 

 

Cheers, Jani 

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ToniTone

Thank you Jani. 

 

Today was exhausting. But I asked the manager if I could switch departments. He said yes, I'll start in the dirty laundry sorting area tomorrow or Monday. It's really smelly up there, but dry dirty laundry is like 100x fold lighter than wet clean laundry. So maybe it'll be easier to handle the work. We'll see how it goes... 

 

I looked again in the mirror this morning. I dunno, though wide, my shoulders have a nice, curvy shape. In certain poses they look nice with my neck. I wish it didn't depend on posture so much... 

 

Did any of you transition despite some overwhelming body image? Like body/facial hair, torso width, height, deep voice etc?

 

I just want to be a women, even if I can't change everything to be so. It is what it is I guess... 

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Jani
Just now, ToniTone said:

I just want to be a women, even if I can't change everything to be so.

Toni look around you.  Women come in all shapes, sizes, height and width.  Despite all the hype there is no ideal body.  Physically we are all different and therein lies the answer.  Be who you are, and be the best you!

 

Jani   

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Kirsten

Even cis people have body issues. Not just trans people. Like Jani says, women come in all shapes and sizes. Love yourself above all else. That’s what transition is all about. 

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ToniTone

Thanks y'all ❤️ If nothing else I could just stand in 3/4 profile for the rest of my life, it is a very lady-like pose anyway! lol

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ToniTone

So I went out and applied at Little Caesars, sounds like they're gonna hire me, which is great bc I can quit my temp job at the industrial hell er... laundry, oops!

 

I'm too atrophied from a sedentary winter and probably dehydration from hrt (I have been drinking plenty of water btw), it's dangerous for me to open half ton bags of dirty laundry over my head! 

 

I can probably still work on call for my friend's moving company again too, which is great bc he's a good friend and I really want to stick with it and help him with his business. It's alot easier than industrial laundry.

 

It'll be great working at a pizza shop again. Financially it might be a bit of a setback. But I'll make it work. I just can't work these macho, exhausting, dangerous hard manual labor jobs anymore... 

 

I feel like I'm on a good path, with my transition, my occupation and my life! ❤️

 

~Toni

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ToniTone

So today I skipped going to required church service where I live and went to the Mall of America instead! 

 

It was fun! But I experienced a bit of dysphoria as well. Walking around the mall, of course there's a bunch of cute girls, and I wish I could be like them. Maybe in time I'll be cute as well. 

 

Also, all the clothing, makeup and jewelry stores. I find myself at times looking and not caring what anyone thinks of my still presenting as male self, and yet still at times it bothers my conscience. What do the gals at these stores think? Could "he" be window shopping for "his" girlfriend? 

 

I knew I was gonna experience this. But I did it anyway. And will continue to... It was fun anyway! 

 

Sigh, I can't wait to move out of all cishet male, Christian treatment... Just a couple more paychecks away...

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Kirsten

I still find myself thinking like that when I’m in the mall shopping. But it’s less and less. The more contact I have with the workers the more I realize that they either don’t care or they see me as a woman. 

 

Its mostly a block that WE carry. Most people don’t care who you are. What you’re shopping for. Or who’s gonna wear it. It’s 98% in our head and 2% real. 

 

Glad you had had a fun day! 

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ToniTone

I'm back at the mall, lol! I'm being a bad girl today... 

 

On that note, what do you think of the mall? Has it changed much since the 90's? The music kinda sucks now. But then again it always sucked I suppose. . 

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ToniTone

Ugh, I didn't want to be home after work... So I went to the mall! 

Ever just watch hetero couples and think "I'll never be like them?" And I mean that with both regret AND conviction! 

 

I talked to my ma on the phone. She told me she is totally supportive of me, and she joined a support group to learn more about transgender issues. This made my day! ❤️

 

~Toni

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Kirsten
10 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Ever just watch hetero couples and think "I'll never be like them?" And I mean that with both regret AND conviction! 

Why? I think I am. I am married with 2 kids, a house, picket fence, soccer practice, pto meetings and all the rest. 

You can have whatever life you want. Don’t ever pigeon hole yourself because anything is possible. I am living proof. As are so many other people here. 

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ToniTone

I like that about you, you're amazing Kirsten! 

 

And I agree. Regret might have been a loaded word, heck perhaps the whole question. I could still be with a cis-woman,  she'd be with a transfem. I dunno, part of me thinks I might miss playing the part of a cishet at times. But that was just a facade. A very disappointing one at that. 

 

I feel like my identity as transfeminine reflects alot of how I felt when it had the label of androgynous. There's aspects of it thaf are biological, and others that are cultural. The difference is biologically my 32 year old physiology has become too masculine, yet my mind and soul yearn to be totally feminine. Reality and pushing forward toward transition is detrimental to where I fall on the gender spectrum. And I'm excited to finally become it... 

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ToniTone

So I've been on hrt for a month now (started hrt April 2nd 2019). And so far it's going great!

 

A month is too early to see any external signs. But I feel amazing in general! Like the feeling of toxicity of androgens is waning. Also, I think I'm just so psyched to finally be doing this! 

 

Also, I've been looking a bit at myself in the mirror again. I'm starting to see beauty and potential of what hrt and diet/exercise could do. All in all, I still present as male. But my love handles are reducing in size and seem lower and less pronounced (my job is pretty active). I'm starting to feel little globs of cellulose in my hips and thighs. Nothing that sticks out yet, but I see potential from hrt.

 

My shoulders have a nice curve, and slope in with certain posture. My neck muscles on the side seem to have atrophied a bit maybe, slimming my neck a little. My breasts (barely pecs) have always been soft, muscleless and a little round. I like their "size" and roundness. I doubt and am kinda hoping they won't grow much. But I see potential for hrt making them and my nipples bud some, I think they'll have a nice shapliness, and look forward to it now! 

 

Also, my face seems less chiseled now. Like the skin is softening and rounding the features. I still look like me, just noticing subtle feminine quality I've never noticed until now. I'm actually starting to smile and feel content and hopeful with my body when I accidentally catch myself in the mirror now. Again, too soon to be physical change I'm sure. I think what's changed is my psyche and perspective. 

 

My ma called me "her son, er!.. Daughter!?" the other day. This made me so giddy! She's really taking this so much better than I thought she would, and is totally being supportive and willing to try to understand it more. 

 

I'm really sick tonight, like a fever. I think I caught it from handling biohazard garments from the hospital at my laundry job. I think I best quit this job, it's overwhelmingly dangerous.

 

I'm going to ask the staffing agency if they can find me a job at a restaurant or hotel. Should I maybe tell them I'm trans? There was no other option on the application so I checked male. I figure this would keep a wider variety of job opportunities available. I'm sure they are EOE compliant. But let's be real, discrimination still happens under the table... 

 

Well anyway, other than illness and job dysphoria, I'm in good spirits! I'm gonna head to bed early tonight, y'all stay lovely and have a blessed evening! ❤️

 

~Toni

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ToniTone

I'm about to go to dinner with my best friend from treatment and come out to him! Omg nervous... He's a good dude though, I think he'll accept me... 

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