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Toni's Tale


ToniTone

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Thanks sweetie! 

I still get dysphoric at times (and unfortunately gotta go "guy mode" for work). But I look at my photos of me now, and of prior to this past spring when I started transitioning, and it makes me feel great about how my transition is going. I look and feel so much more feminine and pretty than I did back then! 

 

~Toni

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So, I had like the funniest misgender happen to me today. I went to the nearby 'hood mini mart to get an energy drink. On the way back, there were some guys in a truck bumping smooth jazz. As I got closer, they turned up the volume. The passenger rolled down his window, leaned out on his elbow and eyed me down... 

 

His friend says "That's a man!" (which of course was head loweringly disappointing), followed by "and she heard you..!"

 

Confusingly frustrating-quickly turning to humorously somewhat validating? Anyway, I got a chuckle out of it. I turned my head back, smirked and waved as I went round the corner... 

 

It was also kinda validating to know someone checked me out, for a brief moment at least, lol!

 

~Toni

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  • 2 weeks later...

So, I've been on hrt for over 4 months now, and I don't have much to say about from last month, except that my nips are getting perkier. It's starting to become difficult to hide them, which (outside of work) why would I want to!? And they're sore! Most sore they've been yet. Especially the budding nips, but radiating out to the general breast area as well now. It's not unbearable, but it's there. They're coming... 

 

My fat is lowering to my hips too. I've been getting a lot of compliments and proper gendering. In known company and from strangers. Some laughs and misgenders out in the world too. I try not to let that get to me and just carry on. 

 

Other than work, I dress out full time now. It feels good, right and comfortable! It feels weird dressing as a guy now. I don't completely hate it, sometimes it feels good to go out in jeans and mudkickers and still be rough edged when I have to. I have said this is like the last year I live as a guy. But I already feel I'm surpassing that. Going guy mode feels uncanny now. 

 

One thing I struggle with is presentation. Most of the trans women I know irl are for the most part completely out/fully female identifying. They dress and present fem full time, and work jobs where they can. Do up their full face makeup. Have their nails done. Have piercings... I dress out full time now, work aside. But I'm pretty low maintenance. I only do lip and eye makeup. I like to let my skin breathe, especially after the hell I put it through shaving. And I paint my nails, but keep them short, because of work and art/jewelry crafting. 

 

A lot of cis women are low maintenance like this as well. But they don't have steel wool like androgenic hair ravaging it's way through the skin of their face. They're feminine presenting regardless of how much or little effort they put in. I feel like us trans girls, especially early in transition, have to work for our feminine presentation. 

 

Anyway, sometimes I feel exhausted and like I'm trying to cut corners. I'm always struggling just to get enough sleep, wake up on time to shave and do my eyes up, hopefully have a minute to slam down some coffee and my meds, and run out the door on time for the daily grind. But I manage. And I feel cute enough. Part of my loves the femme androgyny of my appearance. Gender bending, like literally twisting in pose, and the lines between beauty and broadens begin to blur at each angle... 

 

Anyway, it's my bday, I'm 33 now. Not a big day for me. Think it's gonna rain all day. I don't mind, I love the rain... Think I'm gonna go grab a pizza and hang with my trans sister this afternoon... Chao! ?

 

~Toni

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  • Forum Moderator

Happy Birthday Toni.  Great news about your progress. 

 

Jani

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HAppy Birthday!!???! That’s great that you are doing well and enjoying life! I can’t wait until I am comfortable and brave enough to venture out in my lady clothes.

Now that my nips and boobies are growing a tiny bit, I don’t feel as bad going out with boy shirts. I still feel weird wearing pants, cause I’m used to wearing skirts inside and 5” seamed shorts outside. I’m able to pull my shorts up even higher after the Orchie, and that feels really good, as I love showing off my legs. 

Some of my Lady friends have had trouble with facial and body hair throughout life, and have either bleached it or had laser hair removal, so w aren’t the only ones that have hair issues. That kinda helps me with my facial and body hair Dysphoria. 

I love the rain too, it can be rather soothing.

i hope you continue to have a happy birthday and a wonderful weekend!

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Thanks hun! 

 

Yeah, I can't wear that stuff confidently right now, ya know. But I love wearing loose, long, frilly skirts and dresses. They're cute and comfortable! And they cover the biz, yeah... 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hope all your Birthday wishes come true. Have a wonderful Birthday @ToniTone

 

Susan R?

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Happy Birthday Toni! I have been reading your thread here and Im super impressed with how you have handled your situation! You are a role model for many! You have inspired me to take a few steps of my own that I have been putting off! 

 

Have a wonderful birthday!

 

 

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Thanks hun! I've been called many things, but a role model..? Do what you need to do to have as happy and fulfilling a life as you can, is what I say! 

 

Thanks for the bday wishes y'all! It was a good day, pretty chill. My first adult sober birthday -what the heck-!? 

 

~Toni

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On 8/10/2019 at 9:52 AM, ToniTone said:

A lot of cis women are low maintenance like this as well. But they don't have steel wool like androgenic hair ravaging it's way through the skin of their face. They're feminine presenting regardless of how much or little effort they put in. I feel like us trans girls, especially early in transition, have to work for our feminine presentation. 

I felt the same way. Still do to some extent. But it does get better. As the hrt does its thing, and as you get the hair removed from your face, you’ll have to try less and less as well. I actually seem to pass best with minimal makeup hair clothes etc... when I’m done up I get looks. When I’m in shorts and a tee, or a bikini and coverup with nothing but mascara I get none. It’s like the extra *flashiness* creates the looks. Heck I went out to eat with the fam yesterday on our way home from Vermont and hadn’t shaved or put makeup on since Friday morning! I was a hot mess. But no issues. No looks or misgenderings. Just life. We all get there. Eventually. 

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Yeah! I'm kind of a naturalist, I don't like to use too much product. Let the skin and hair breathe. I think too much product coverage ages our skin and hair. I think I've been doing well. My hairline is pretty healthy, and my complexion could be worse. 

 

It's always a joy to hear about your family outings, when you can be out as yourself and bond with the fam. It's those simple joys in life, you couldn't pay a million bucks for that... 

 

~Toni

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey y'all! Now into 5 months on hrt. It's strange to be at this point because I don't feel much different from one month ago. Still going through the same changes. But I'm far enough along now that when I look back to the start of this journey, I see I've completely changed. It's so exciting and it makes me giddy! 

 

I'm still maintaining a ketogenic style diet with some intermittent fasting. But I'm a little more lax with cheat days. I'm at an ideal weight so I'm just trying to maintain that. My fat distribution is lowering to my hips, I'm starting to get more curve there. My breasts are rounding out and getting perky. And surprisingly, my body hair is getting a bit lighter and growth is slowing down, I don't have to Nair/shave it as often. I'm happier and more outgoing too. My transition has been quite graceful to me so far! 

 

I do still struggle with some dysphoria. I don't feel safe dressing out in some situations, but feel miserable going out guy mode. Fall is coming up, so it's about time to get some appropriate clothes for the season. I've also been struggling with gendered restrooms. I don't feel passing or accepted enough to use womens restrooms, but feel anxious using men's rooms in a dress or skirt. It gives me a lot of anxiety and kinda inhibits me from a lot of public exposure. I knew this was something I would confront in my transition, but I so yearned to go through with it and decided not to worry about it, I'd cross that bridge when I get to it. And here we are, mid-bridge... 

 

I went to a friend's bbq this afternoon. We had a great time. My trans girl friends and I showed each other our boobs. A highlight of my trans experience, lol! It was great. My trans sister and I sat by the fire and I massaged her back for a good while, we've been kinda puppy crushing on each other... sigh ?

 

~Toni ?

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  • Forum Moderator

Thanks for sharing your journey Toni.  HRT can be a bit frustrating but don't forget that puberty takes time.  Your body is learning a whole new way of being.

The more you go out the easier it becomes.  Very early in my process i would drive around forcing myself to go from store to store buying a pack of gum or a drink simply to get out in public as myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Thanks Charlize! I'm being patient with it, good things come in time, right!

 

I had a moment of slight panic this morning. I looked at my breasts and realized how much they are filling in. I'm very excited and happy about this!

 

But I think I'm just about at the point of no return. I kinda considered the first couple months of hrt a trial of sorts, if I decided it's not for me and I want to detransition no harm done. But I knew there would come a point where the changes are enough to have affect. And I'm there. 

 

I'm really happy with the changes, my transition and the contentment I've found in my life through it. I will continue my transition, I have no second thoughts about it. It was just a surprise to realize I'm entering the point of no return... 

 

I'm not turning back now. 

 

~Toni

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  • Forum Moderator
9 hours ago, ToniTone said:

I'm really happy with the changes, my transition and the contentment I've found in my life through it.

This is nice to read.  We all deserve to be happy.  

 

Jani

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My breasts are starting to look more rounded and feminine. There forming into a nice A-cup. I almost can't hide them anymore (if I did it is sweater season), like I'd want to! My nips are getting plumper too! 

 

I'm so excited and giddy , I love it!?

 

~Toni

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On 9/12/2019 at 12:38 AM, ToniTone said:

My breasts are starting to look more rounded and feminine. There forming into a nice A-cup. I almost can't hide them anymore (if I did it is sweater season), like I'd want to! My nips are getting plumper too! 

 

I'm so excited and giddy , I love it!?

 

~Toni

Very exciting! Please keep up with the updates! For now I"m living vicariously through you!

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Today marks 6 months of transitioning! This month has been kinda epic. First of all, I got the job at Starbucks, and quit working regular for my friend's moving company. I still work the occasional side job when I'm available. But I had to cut back, the manual labor is more exhausting on hrt and I got tired of bumping my breasts into stuff all the time, ow! 

 

I love my new job at Starbucks! It was a bit stressful at first, but I got the hang of it. I love making cafe beverages. Everyone is so friendly and supportive, and respects my (she/her) pronouns. And some of my coworkers are trans. Also, they have a benefit of paying for transgender procedures. It's a very supportive environment, I love it! 

 

My breasts and hips are really taking shape now! I went to my transgender primary today for my follow-up and 3 month labs. And I had her do a physical examination of my breasts, all good growth. The breast buds beneath my nipples are coming in and making my breasts perk out. The left bud is just starting, about the size of a marble now. The right bud has been developing for about a month or so now, it's bigger than a golf ball. And I'm lactating! They're pretty sore and sensitive...

 

I still get misgendered sometimes. It hurts more than it did. I dress as cute as I can and take time making up my face. Been transitioning for 6 months. But it still happens, sigh... I've been getting cat called/flirted/come onto by guys on the street too. Which indicates something is working in all this. It's not a comfortable sign though. The guys and their lewd comments and looks I get are gross. It's creepy how aggressive and forward men can be. 

 

My trans sister and I became girlfriends! ? It's a casual relationship, perhaps more like good friends with benefits. We're taking it slow, we don't want to ruin a good thing. It's awesome having a fellow trans girl as a great friend and partner. We really support each other. She's so lovely ?

 

We're both busy with our jobs, so we don't get out as much as this summer. Her and I, one of my roommates, and a friend of ours and her boyfriend are trying to find a house to rent together. We all were roommate make at our sober houses. It would be great if it works out. Rent would be so affordable. And we're all close friends and queer. It would be great to have our own little happy house and support each other. 

 

I got my first paycheck Friday. I treated myself to some new dresses, skirts and makeup. Girly me day on the town! Below is a picture of one of new favorites... 

 

~Toni?

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