Toni's Tale

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Thank you Sara and Charlize! ?

 

I don't think most of them mean to misgender, think they're just trying to be polite with that "Thank you sir". But it hurts, bc I'm trying to present. Some customers do gender me properly, and that feels good! I think like a lot of things we tend to focus on the negative though. 

 

I've been using the same depilatory, standard Nair with cocoa butter. It used to work real well, soothing even. But lately not so much. I wonder if hrt is making my skin softer/more sensitive. 

 

I'm sorry your wife won't let you do your hair removal routine. I hope in time she'll understand. 

 

A number of my cis female friends have been showing me their leg hair to try to comfort me, lol... 

 

It's nice to have y'all support and comradery in this ?

 

~Toni

 

Yes, the HRT is making your skin softer and more sensitive. Also thinner. My sense of touch... everywhere... is SO much more sensitive than it used to be. Susan hit me with cold fingers to the back yesterday and she about had to peel me off the ceiling.

 

Presenting is a skill like any other though. You need to work at it for a while before you get really good at it. There are little cues we put out that make people file us as "male" or "female" in their heads. What you use to say "female" is unique to you, but I rely a lot on my vocal presentation and body language. I haven't been misgendered in close to a year now.

 

I've been told the hair calms down once you've been on HRT a while. I can't personally relate because of the alopecia. Unfortunately, transitioning isn't a quick process. You have to give it some time and do your best. There will be awkward moments, but you'll come out the other end as the person you were meant to be.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

My current "dating life"

Sexuality & Attraction

 

So my (I guess on break?) trans sister gf moved out of town. I've been in a bit of a melancholy mood over it. Not really sad, just a bleh kind of mood. I'm pretty sure it wasn't about us. I think she got kicked out of her place. She quit her job and moved to a friend's house far out of town. Neither of us drive, so that kinda subdues the intimacy of our relationship. I don't want to say its over or think too much about it right now, it's just kinda... dormant(?) for now... We are pan-poly/open too. I was kinda exclusive but open, but I guess I'm openly on the market. She is the first non cis-female partner I went all the way with, which helped confirm my bi-curiosity. Which brings me to the topic of this post... 

 

I am pansexual/bisexual (I identify with both). More specifically, I'm demisexual-panromantic. I'm very sexual, but it's not a priority for me. I'm very into love, affection and romance. I love intimate (not necessarily sexual) touch and embrace; cuddling, spooning, hugs, kisses, hand holding and such.

 

I'm pretty content being single and self loving. But sometimes I feel lonely and long for someone to just hold me and cuddle with. 

 

I'm mostly more attracted to fems. I feel a special connection with trans women. Besides attraction, I think it's the sense of comradery. 

 

I'm less attracted to men and have yet to be with one. I'm more picky about the kind of men I'm attracted to. Toxic masculinity is a big turn off. Sometimes I just want a man to hold me in his arms and treat me like a lady. 

 

I'm mostly attracted to people about my age and build or a bit older and/or taller. I'm definitely a bottom/sub, but would switch for fems. 

 

I've been thinking about this alot lately. What kind of people are attracted to my demographic, early 30's, pre-op trans women/transfems? I feel like straight women and gay men want a manly man (fair enough, we're not men), straight men and (most?) lesbians don't "truly" accept us as women they could partner with (they need vag). NOTE, I am generalizing here of course! I don't know about trans men and non-binary people, y'all are a mystery to me, love y'all by the way! It seems bi/pan people would be likely partners. And trans women attracted to other trans women. 

 

What are your thoughts on sexuality and dating, and attraction? How do you identify, and how did it change for you as you came out or transitioned?

[ShawnaLeigh]

The old joke passed around my guy friends was to say “I’m a lesbian trapped in a mans body”.  
This is me for real.  I have had no real attraction to men but like you I don’t hold much hope in dating ciswomen anymore being a trans women. Though currently I am very attracted to then still.  
I admit that since emerging s a transwomen, albeit slowly, I have had other thoughts as far as this goes.  I’m not sure if I could ever be with a man sexually, not even a gay man really, but I could see myself definitely being with another trans women.  Pre or post op.  I guess for me I do not have issues with a penis.  Just with most of the human race that has them.  
I do not know any trans people personally.  Except for my FtM therapist.  But he is married. Lol

i intend to join a support group soon in hopes to make friends and connections, but I’d be lying if I didn’t hope to find or meet someone special too.  
My marriage has been almost devoid of affection and intimacy and sex is like once or twice per year.  We love each other that’s plain to see but it is very lacking in my needs.  
I need more then that in a relationship.  Since I have been told that she will not be in a lesbian marriage I’m basically on a timer.  Once I start to present as female I will no longer be welcome.  This hurts on many levels as you can imagine.  But gives me strength to look forward too.  
I hope to find someone in our community that can appreciate me for who I am at any level of transition as I feel the understanding and accepting parts will not be an issue.  
 

[Jackie C.]

I met a lovely couple of trans-women in group therapy. Which is how they met (they shared their story) each other. I don't believe in giving up. Sure, take a break now and then to recharge, but in the end you are the one most responsible for your own happiness. You're both lovely people, I'm sure there is someone out there for both of you.

 

3 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

My marriage has been almost devoid of affection and intimacy and sex is like once or twice per year.  We love each other that’s plain to see but it is very lacking in my needs.  

 

Susan and I had a patch like this. It's hard to share all of yourself when you're keeping a vital part of yourself locked away. Now we make it a point to have intimate time whenever she's in town (About every other week she's tending to her father who lives in a cabin upstate despite being close to 100, legally blind and mostly deaf with serious mobility issues). Anyway, the point being that we got through it and our relationship is stronger for it. If your wife goes through with banishing you from the house (I'm still holding out for a dramatic reveal and an "all is forgiven" happily-ever-after style ending), I hope that you'll land on your feet and meet someone amazing.

 

Personally, I've come to realize that I'm gynosexual: I'm attracted to people presenting as women. I'm probably about a 5 on the Kinsey scale. I'm not completely against the idea of penetrative sex with a guy, but he'd have to be something pretty special. Tom Ellis from "Lucifer" for example. Yow! That's never happening though so I think my marriage is safe.

 

I'll... I'll be in my bunk.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

Shawna, U don't know what to say, but I feel for you. I hope you and your wife can work it out. But if not, I at least hope y'all can still be close friends and share your house, a family of sorts ?

___________________

Jackie, lol. As far as famous guys, I've always been attracted to Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Keanu Reeves. So dreamy... ?

[ToniTone]

You know I've thinking of the labels of sexuality for trans people. Like for example, for me (a pre-op trans woman), a straight relationship with a (cis) man is also kinda gay, bc we both have peni. Again, I'm just speaking for my own identity, I respect those who view this as exclusively hetero. 

 

~Toni

[ShawnaLeigh]

21 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Shawna, U don't know what to say, but I feel for you. I hope you and your wife can work it out. But if not, I at least hope y'all can still be close friends and share your house, a family of sorts ?

___________________

Jackie, lol. As far as famous guys, I've always been attracted to Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Keanu Reeves. So dreamy... ?

I’m at a tipping point where I love her dearly and our home and life.  Ours plans for retirement but I am also ready for a positive change.  To find someone who can give me what I want and need.  I am tired of being the “guy” in our marriage and she is being so nice lately as my lady friend.  I am leaning towards moving on. Even if it starts on a low note.   
Sorry for hijacking your post Toni.  
but thanks just the same.  ❤️

[NB Adult]

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I’m at a tipping point where I love her dearly and our home and life.  Ours plans for retirement but I am also ready for a positive change.  To find someone who can give me what I want and need.  I am tired of being the “guy” in our marriage and she is being so nice lately as my lady friend.  I am leaning towards moving on. Even if it starts on a low note.   
Sorry for hijacking your post Toni.  
but thanks just the same.  ❤️

 

Yeah I knew from the start that was where you were headed, it's not her though, it's you! Look at your record, and we're suppose to underwrite what you are doing? I know the others here don't have the nerve to confront this sort of thing, I do and I want you to reconsider what you are doing and ask yourself if your marriage is just another convenience for you, or were you actually serious about the vows you took and did you actually love her at all? Think about it, you don't have to be embarrassed, we will support you if you are making any kind of effort to make it work. She married you for better or for worse, she's trying to make it work in spite of everything.

[ToniTone]

I didn't get misgendered at work today! I wore foundation in addition to my usual eye and lip makeup, and though (to me anyway) subtle, it seemed to make a difference! I waahed it off before bed, but I'll do it again and take a pic tomorrow so I can get your thoughts... 

[ToniTone]

Did my makeup plus foundation today!

 

[ToniTone]

I think my glasses frame my face well

[ToniTone]

I've always been a sympathizer for minorities/marginalized peoples. But before I came out as a trans woman, I was, beside being lower class, in a demographic of privilege, a white American able bodied male. But now that I'm out as a trans woman, I really feel what it's like to be part of a marginalized community. I knew I would be going into this. I've been fortunate to not experience much discrimination or harassment. But I'm hyper-aware of the vulnerable position I'm in being trans and a woman, being more at risk to danger. I see articles every day about rights being denied us by our government, and about my trans siblings being attacked and even killed. I feel affect for marginalized people. It's a very enlightening experience... 

Stay safe, I love you ?

 

~Toni

 

(Ps I didn't mean to post the very last picture on my last post, can a moderator please delete it and this sentence (if not don't worry about it), thanks)

[ToniTone]

Two days ago marked 8 months of my transition! I can't believe it's been 2/3 a year already. I still feel so young in this (which, I am). 

 

Not much new other than ongoing developments mentioned in the past page or so. My breasts are now recognizable as female. When I suck my gut in I can kinda recognize a female form. A solid A-cup, round, perky. I'm due for a bra, I want to keep them supported. I'm thinking a soft-seamed sports bra with padded forms and light compression would be to my comfort and style. 

 

I'm so excited! It feels so sudden, like I thought it would take longer. And they're still growing. They're so sensitive and sore. Just when I thought they were as sore as they get, they get a little more achy over time. It's tolerable though, and so affirming! I never thought about how women sleep with breasts, I always slept on my stomach, now I lean more to the side. 

 

Hips and thighs are still growing more fat distribution. Nothing profound yet, but I know it's getting there. I can feel the fatty tissue thickening there. My torso and little potbelly are smoothing out into my hips and have a n androgynous look, not recognizable as male anymore. My skin is softer and more sensitive. And the skin in my face is filling in more. The once hard edged features are softening. 

 

I still get misgendered quite a bit, about as much as I get gendered properly or confuse people. It's really dysphoric for me now. I'm starting to wonder if some people do it despite my clearly feminine styling (makeup and accessorizing). I think it's pretty clear I'm trying to present female, I even have a She/Her pronouns pin on my work apron. I've heard some customers enunciate the 'sir' or 'bro' they referred to me as. Some people are just ignorant... 

 

I asked my doctor about laser hair removal (I think I'm approved to continue), feminizing facial surgery and orchidectomy. I guess I have to wait until a year of transition and get an approval (therapist?) for the surgeries. I really want to get an orchie, I'm so tired of my testes... 

 

~Toni

[Tariane90]

On 4/16/2019 at 9:39 AM, ToniTone said:

CW: from here on out, this thread may contain dialogue about my experience transitioning and on feminizing hrt, with dysphoria, drugs and alcohol, and sexual and sexuality related matters. I'll be vague and refrain from getting graphic about these things

 

Coming to realize myself again

 

So I've been in treatment for six months now, and I've been reflecting alot on my life so far. Being drunk and sedated was like being numb, I just tried to dumb my brain as much as possible. Gender dysphoria wasn't the only factor in my addiction, but in retrospect, it played a major part in it. I must say, since I started hrt, I've felt more euphoric, naturally. I feel like something was off chemically my whole life. Since starting hrt, I feel that edge starting to soften. Maybe it's just psychological, I dunno. Whatever it is, it feels right. 

 

So a few months ago, I started questioning my gender (and sexuality) again. I talked alot with a friend who is trans. Unfortunately, she's kinda ghosting me right now because of a schism we had with a mutual best friend, so none of us are talking now... Sigh. Honestly, I was/am crushing on her. She's beautiful, not just her looks, but as a whole. I really admired her coming out, and embracing her transgender identity and the aesthetic she desires to convey. I admire this about all trans folk, the ambition to externalize who we truly are internally. 

 

So I came to this forum and other support networks, studied and inquired much into transgenderism and the community, transitioning and such. There was anxiety about my dysphoria and conversely the fear of change.  But I finally broke the facade I assumed the past decade and realized who I am. I am a transfeminine woman, I'm demisexual and panromantic. And ever since, just knowing, accepting and embracing these aspects of my identity and who I am, I've been content, more than ever in the past ten years. Maybe ever. 

 

I started hrt a week ago, and it just feels right. I feel like subconsciously I wanted, nay needed this my whole life. It feels great to finally get the pharmacological process of transition started! I'm so happy in my life right now! I just keep moving forward in life and embrace me now! 

 

Thanks for reading ❤️ I'm sure I'll have more streams of thoughts to come

 

~Toni

That's a lovely story of rising above your struggles and coming into your own. Congratulations? by the way. Thank you for sharing!

[Jackie C.]

10 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Not much new other than ongoing developments mentioned in the past page or so. My breasts are now recognizable as female. When I suck my gut in I can kinda recognize a female form. A solid A-cup, round, perky. I'm due for a bra, I want to keep them supported. I'm thinking a soft-seamed sports bra with padded forms and light compression would be to my comfort and style. 

 

Try a T-Shirt bra. I read somewhere that you don't want compression while they're coming in or you can stunt your growth. Mine are still sore/sensitive at eighteen months. Basically for as long as they're growing they're going to feel like they do now. I expect they'll be sore for the next eighteen as well. I was a late bloomer. I don't expect anything else from puberty 2.0.

 

That's exactly right on the surgery too. You've got to wait a year. I'm not sure about the orchi, but for vaginoplasty, you need two (new) letters of recommendation. At least here a lot of doctors won't let you get started on that until after you've been presenting as female for a year as well. There might also be provisions in your insurance (there is in mine) where you have to live as a woman for X amount of time before they'll cover you.

We get to jump through a million hoops to get what we need and there's not really a finish line. Totally worth it though.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

46 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 

That's exactly right on the surgery too. You've got to wait a year. I'm not sure about the orchi, but for vaginoplasty, you need two (new) letters of recommendation. At least here a lot of doctors won't let you get started on that until after you've been presenting as female for a year as well. There might also be provisions in your insurance (there is in mine) where you have to live as a woman for X amount of time before they'll cover you.

We get to jump through a million hoops to get what we need and there's not really a finish line. Totally worth it though.

 

Hugs!

 

Realistically though, the business of presenting like a woman for a year really only encompasses one's occasional visits to the gender therapist and doctor, any other time you can present any way you like. The burden of proof that you weren't enfemme 24/7 - 365 is on them.

[Jackie C.]

43 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

 

Realistically though, the business of presenting like a woman for a year really only encompasses one's occasional visits to the gender therapist and doctor, any other time you can present any way you like. The burden of proof that you weren't enfemme 24/7 - 365 is on them.

 

Also a good point. I'm just a good girl, and telling fibs makes me break out in hives. It wouldn't even occur to me to lie about my presentation.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

39 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Also a good point. I'm just a good girl, and telling fibs makes me break out in hives. It wouldn't even occur to me to lie about my presentation.

 

Hugs!

 

I understand that but there is always the issues that time and place puts on us where appearing enfemme all the time isn't a necessity and sometimes isn't even possible. I live in Washington State where at any given time I can see any number of women appearing in public dressed like I do, a mix of male and female attire. CIS women are without a doubt the biggest cross dressers ever, occasionally I have to wonder if they want to become telephone linemen or loggers.

[Jackie C.]

I wouldn't consider wearing "boy clothes" a mark against presenting as female. I grew up around farms and the women generally wore jeans and a flannel shirt, just like the men (though usually without the undershirt underneath). Everybody wore boots. Generally different styles (work boots vs. cowboy boots), but still boots.

 

I don't know any cis-women who are linemen or loggers. I DO know a blacksmith named Suzie though. Beefy arms aside, you would not mistake her for a man.

 

So yeah, presentation isn't 100% clothes. I usually dress down in jeans, a t-shirt and today my shapeless sweatshirt. I dress nice now and then to remind people I'm a girl when I go out... definitely for planned evenings... but most of the time, my wardrobe is unisex. I still take time to brush out my hair and put it up. Usually with an ornament (I like the vampire bat). I'm still presenting as female though. I talk like a woman. I walk like a woman. I generally behave like a woman. There's way more to presentation than just putting on a frilly top and a pair of jeans with hearts sewn on the pockets.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

Thank you Tariane! Reading that entry reminds me I have come a long way... 

 

And thank you Jackie and NB! I've been dressing out since about a month after I started transitioning, about 7 months now. That's when I came out publicly. My work dress code requires neutral colors, so I wear pants for now. I plan on getting some long black dress skirts though. Otherwise I dress pretty femme. Always made up, hair down but puffed up with some hairspray, growing it out. 

 

I don't have a problem dressing out. My demeanor in my presentation is coming more naturally too. I walk gentler, I stand with my hand on my hip. I kinda gave up on vocal training, but I talk with more inflection. My voice is about half an octave higher, especially when I'm in a good mood. 

 

I heard that too much compression can stunt growth. I meant like like compression. Something soft and conforming, but not too snug. I tgink something with sewn in padded forms would help accent them too. 

 

~Toni

[Jackie C.]

Pro tip a cross-dressing friend told me: Wear lighter colored bottoms than what you're wearing on top. It de-emphasizes your shoulders and makes your hips look bigger.

 

1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

I heard that too much compression can stunt growth. I meant like like compression. Something soft and conforming, but not too snug. I tgink something with sewn in padded forms would help accent them too. 

 

I actually own a padded t-shirt bra in lavender. I don't know your measurements, but finding a 48A that fits (because my torso is a little on the long side and A-cups don't weigh down materiel very well) can be challenging.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

I just want to take this opportunity to shout out to my LGBTQ family. One love! 

 

Thank you to my trans elders for paving a path for us, for your insight and wisdom, for your support, and for being an inspiration! Thanks to those who have played a mother, or father or parent to those without. 

 

Thanks to the trans youth, you also are an inspiration! I'm so happy you are discovering yourself, and have nothing but support for you. 

 

Thank you to my trans sisters, my trans brothers and siblings, also for being an inspiration! It's an honor to be going through this together! 

 

Thank you to the allies, and the parents and families who support us! It means so much! We're grateful to have your love and support in our life! 

 

?Love y'all?

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I was just reflecting on how hair metal, and heavy metal in general, was prototypical or influential in me realizing I was androgynous and eventually a trans woman. 

 

Growing up in the late 80s and 90s, my ma and pa raised me up on hair metal, the metalheads that they are. I remember when I was like 4 having hair down to my butt, hopping around to Headbanger's Ball in my play pen, lol! 

 

Being influenced by metal made me feel it was alright to have long hair, wear eyeliner and lip color and edgy clothes. And the ballads made me feel it was ok to have a soft, sensitive side... 

 

~Toni

 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 12/7/2019 at 10:05 PM, ToniTone said:

I just want to take this opportunity to shout out to my LGBTQ family. One love! 

 

Thank you to my trans elders for paving a path for us, for your insight and wisdom, for your support, and for being an inspiration! Thanks to those who have played a mother, or father or parent to those without. 

 

Thanks to the trans youth, you also are an inspiration! I'm so happy you are discovering yourself, and have nothing but support for you. 

 

Thank you to my trans sisters, my trans brothers and siblings, also for being an inspiration! It's an honor to be going through this together! 

 

Thank you to the allies, and the parents and families who support us! It means so much! We're grateful to have your love and support in our life! 

 

?Love y'all?

~Toni

This is just to sweet.  Thank you for saying it.  I fully agree with it.  It is humbling to know we appreciate each other and everyone who makes this possible for us.  For some quite literally saving our lives.  
 

[ToniTone]

Here here! I love our community. So much love, it feels like family. It's probably the first time in my life (besides maybe my punk rock family) I feel like I belong... 

 

~Toni