Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Toni's Tale


ToniTone

Recommended Posts

I agree that is an amazing poster/picture.  
 

Sorry about being called your dead name (I still prefer birth name). I am starting to have the conversation with others about my new name and pronouns.  It already sounds like it will be a long road.  

Link to comment
  • Replies 303
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • ToniTone

    153

  • Kirsten

    24

  • Ellora

    17

  • Jackie C.

    11

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

I was at a support group last week and realized that it will be hard for me to not misgender some of the people there, even with name tags that show their preferred pronouns. I will have to get used to it as well ?

Link to comment

It happens, even amongst trans people (which hurts the most I think). We're better about not misgendering, but it happens. The important thing is a brief sincere apology and to correct it. No justification or excuses. 

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

I'm sorry in advance, this is sadposting (I copied this from my post on fb and editted slightly, just so anyone here who might be concerned for me can be updated, and for my own journaling)... 

 

I just had a really hard cry. I suppose mourning my youth that I took for granted and for simpler times that are now past. I miss my old family and my friends, and seeing my ma everyday. I miss saturday morning cartoons and the video games I grew up with. I miss my old hometowns. I miss the only responsibility I had was school (well kinda), and not having to make bills at risk of being homeless (again). I miss not having back and joint pain (or less of it anyway). I'm tired of getting older. My co-workers are mostly 20somethings and are a constant reminder of this. I just wish I could go back and slow the clock down for a little while. Time is cruel...

 

I also kinda regret the burdens I'm taking on of transitioning. Which is not to say I'm gonna stop, I was pretty miserable as a guy. I just feel like I'm gonna end up as a pathetic excuse for a transfem-androgynous woman. I feel like I'll never pass as a woman, maybe I need to settle on androgyny, at least to find some effect of contentment. 

 

I've been feeling really moody lately. I think in part bc of my hormones. Lately I just always feel on the verge of crying. I was more apathetic or angry living as a man. I feel calmer now. But I kinda miss that angry energy, though it was never really applied productively... 

 

Also, I'm really depressed bc it's winter. I definitely get SAD. I hate the cold and the ice. All I want to do is stay in and wait for it to be over. If only I didn't have to commute in the cold to work. I kinda just shutin and shut down in the winter. 

 

All these feelings triggered a craving, first I've had in quite a while. I just wanted a drink so I didn't have to feel these feelings for a while. I know, that's not a solution and brings many of it's own problems. Anyway, I didn't and I won't. As dark as things may seem now, they could be a lot worse if I undid all the good things I've done in my sobriety. 

 

I just want winter to be over. Maybe this year will be better than the last... Maybe... 

 

~Toni

Link to comment

Toni, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this ?. This broken life is much harder for people like us. No matter how long we spend in a salon we're not quite as manicured as the rest of society.

 

I'm glad you were able to cry. I still often find that difficult to do. It's healthy.

 

I'm proud of you for resisting the bottle. It was crossing my mind just a few minutes before I read your post. But I know it will only drive me to suicide more quickly and make the road between here and there more difficult. You are a strong woman to still be sober. I'm glad you know it's not the answer.

 

I hope you have a warm day soon.

 

Belle ❤

Link to comment

Dreary I feel your pain. Not to make things worse. But tell me if you ever get this. I am in a skirt, 3 inch heels, lipstick deep red, hair down middle of my back, carrying my black purse, and I have boobs ( been on hormones for 10 years) some guy comes up to me and asks can I help you Sir. I just hate that.. but at the same time I love it when every one around him just comes down on him saying -what the heck- is wrong with you. This person is a lady. I just love that. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
2 hours ago, ToniTone said:

I also kinda regret the burdens I'm taking on of transitioning. Which is not to say I'm gonna stop, I was pretty miserable as a guy. I just feel like I'm gonna end up as a pathetic excuse for a transfem-androgynous woman. I feel like I'll never pass as a woman, maybe I need to settle on androgyny, at least to find some effect of contentment. 

Toni, I truly feel for you.  There are going to be days like this.  I’m glad it’s not going to side step your goal of becoming who you are inside.  Don’t lose hope.  No one knows what tomorrow holds.

I had one of those days today too.  I had lofty goals but ended up on the phone all day putting out fires and seemingly got very little done by end of the day.  I just took a 2 hour nap which I haven’t done in ages.  I feel a little better now.  My point is that transitioning is hard work and sometimes it seems like not much is changing or getting done.  You’re in a rough patch whether it be hormonal or situational, I know it feels real.  You’re NEVER going to end up a “pathetic excuse” for anything.  You have worth and value not only here but to those lives you touch.  There are better days ahead for you.  With a little luck and plenty of patience, by this time next year you’ll no doubt be a lot further along and in a much better place.  Keep your head up girl!

 

My Best

Susan R?

Link to comment

Thank you for your support y'all ?

 

I talked to some friends, ate a big bowl of really chocolatey ice cream, and talked on the phone with my ma for like over an hour. I feel a little better now, I'ma take care of myself and get some good rest. Sweet dreams y'all ?

 

~Toni

Link to comment

btw I didn't mean to say that androgynous or transfem was pathetic. They're totally valid identities that I relate to. I was just talking about myself being pathetic. 

 

Thanks again for all your support, it really means alot ?

Link to comment

Toni, I hope you’re sleeping well. I understand where you’re at right now, I just went through a bout of that not that long ago, when I dropped off the boards for a bit. It will pass. Reach out to friends, talk to your therapist and try to get some good quality self care in. I hope you’re feeling better soon. Hugs!

Link to comment
On 1/28/2020 at 1:11 AM, ToniTone said:

btw I didn't mean to say that androgynous or transfem was pathetic. They're totally valid identities that I relate to. I was just talking about myself being pathetic. 

 

Thanks again for all your support, it really means alot ?

Toni, we all know you weren't bashing transfemininity or androgyny, but speaking for myself, I don't want to see you bashing yourself.  You're not pathetic in the least!  You're a valuable (and valued) member of this community, and while we all get down, please please please don't be so hard on yourself.

 

On 12/25/2019 at 8:13 PM, ToniTone said:

 

80590327_851233105293939_8902183361573814272_n.jpg

I can't begin to tell you how this made my day. I cried when I first saw it, and I'm crying trying to quote it. Thank you so much for sharing this.

 

Peace, love and happiness!

Link to comment

Thank you hun ? I'm still feeling kinda bleh, but I'm getting by. I've been getting a lot of support, and I appreciate yours here ?

Link to comment

So, 10 months of transitioning on hrt, as of two days ago. Nothing really new to report, my body is still shaping, my breasts are still quite sore and are blowing up. My emotions are still very sad and girly, lol. 

 

But, I've been debating on whether I'm a trans woman or transfem androgynous, and I've finally decided that I'm both! On the one hand I want to pass as a woman, I go by she/her pronouns, and want to transition as much as possible just short of a full bottom surgery (too much hair down there). On the other hand I accept and even embrace the ambiguity of my appearance and the androgynous energy I radiate. 

 

I am a woman and I'm transgender. These two things can both be true. And I embrace it, I love both these facets of my life. 

 

~Toni

Link to comment
1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

...I've been debating on whether I'm a trans woman or transfem androgynous, and I've finally decided that I'm both! ... I am a woman and I'm transgender. These two things can both be true. And I embrace it, I love both these facets of my life.

I here you!  If I had my way, I'd transition fully, but I don't think bottom surgery is ever going to be an option.  I'm already prone to UTIs, and a shorter urethra isn't going to help that.  Also, I'm a stay-at-home mom-dad, so I don't really have the wiggle room for an extended recovery time.  So, I've resigned myself to the fact that I can't always get what I want, but if I try, I might get what I need!  And what I need most at this time is to stop stagnating, stop waiting for life to be done with me, to move forward with my own self, even if I'm not sure who that is yet.!

 

I identify as transfem, but also embrace androgeny.  I knew when I started down this road that I was never going to be exactly what I wanted to be - a cisgirl. So I choose to embrace what I can be - a transgirl gender warrior who says <BLEEP!> to gender roles and gender conformity.  Us transfolk have an opportunity to do something most cisfolk never consider - to consciously choose how we express our gender!

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry I haven't been very active here lately, haven't been very social or welcoming or helpful to anyone. I've been dealing with my depression, exasperated by an extra cold string of Minnesota winter days. 

 

But ever since I returned to describing my gender identity as transfeminine androgynous, in regards specific to my gender I've felt a bit more content. I can't describe how. Like, I'm still bummed when I get misgendered. But I feel like internally I'm more accepting of who I am, like I've realized a better understanding of who I am. I dunno, maybe someday as my transition has progressed I'll change back to a binary trans woman again. But for now this feels right... 

 

Anyway, just waiting for winter in Minnesota to be over. Just gotta ride this storm out... 

 

~Toni

Link to comment

It seems like in this last week, the Twin Cities woke up and realized where they were - it is as if winter overslept and now it is rushing to get to work!  I am sorry to hear you have been down, Toni.  The cold alone can be depressing enough by itself.

 

I, too, have found some comfort in embracing my own duality.  I created a new Google account nearly identical to my old one. One is for Michelle and the other is for Michael, with appropriate pronouns for each.  The gender for both, however, is non-binary.  It's not a way to tell the world who I am (account gender isn't publicly visible). It's a way to remind myself that I am who I am, regardless of which identity others associate with me.

 

I would love to fully feminize in private, then present myself to the world in all my girly glory, but I decided I cannot hide anymore at all, so instead the world gets to witness my transtastic transformation.  This "in between" stage scares me more than living as a woman, but not as much as hiding as a man.

 

Hang in there, Toni.  We will get through this - both the winter and the storm.

Link to comment
4 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Sorry I haven't been very active here lately, haven't been very social or welcoming or helpful to anyone. I've been dealing with my depression, exasperated by an extra cold string of Minnesota winter days. 

 

I totally relate to this. I've been thankful it hasn't been quite as harsh this year (heard it was supposed to be even worse than last year), but a Minnesota winter is still a Minnesota winter. I find myself longing for spring and summer.

 

Here is hoping for an early spring, and wishing you (and everyone else) the strength and patience to make it through.

Link to comment

Hi Toni.  Im new on the forum and reading through your thread.  I'm going through some similiar things,....including winter blues (near Green Bay). 

Hang on for spring girl

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Yesterday was such a lovely day off! As y'all saw I got my hair dyed burgundy and styled. It was free from a friend abd co-worker who is studying cosmetology who needed a model at Aveda. I was there for about 4 hours, we had a lot of good chair talk, and I got alot of compliments from other stylists there. There were so many cute people there! It was very relaxing, besides the color and styling, he gave me a shoulder and hand massages while we waited for his instructor. And of course I got my hair shampoo/conditioned, rinsed and blow dried. I always found getting my hair washed in the bowl at the salon relaxing (even though I'm very ticklish lol)...

 

When he was done, I looked in the mirror and almost cried. I don't think I ever felt this pretty before. He really made me feel special, and it was nice to be pampered and have a little spa day. It made me so happy...

 

~Toni

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 142 Guests (See full list)

    • Karen Carey
    • Betty K
    • VickySGV
    • KymmieL
    • Petra Jane
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-health-and-wellness/scotland-pauses-prescriptions-puberty-blockers-transgender-minors-rcna148366     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.huffpost.com/entry/a-second-trump-presidency-would-be-a-nightmare-scenario-for-transgender-people_n_661ff9a9e4b07db21fd5d59b     Carolyn Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, HIPAA is basically useless for keeping government out of your medical stuff.  It doesn't seem to prevent employers from making workplace medical demands either.  About the only thing it seems to do is keep somebody's sister or spouse from having the tools necessary to help you when you're in trouble.  As usual, government made things worse and added unhelpful red tape.  I really doubt HIPAA will be any use in the area of trans rights either.    Honestly, I don't see anything good will come of this no matter how it goes.  If some state AG's win on this, it will cause issues for trans folks.  If the Feds win on this, it'll be a precedent to stomp on states' rights even more than has already been done.  And I'm not sure which way things go will make a difference when it comes to officials from one state trying to do nasty things to people who have left that state and gone elsewhere.    What a crap sandwich... and no matter which plate it gets served on, "We The People" get to eat it. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      At least you tried!  Something equivalent or better may come up, and the waiting could be worth it.  Just keep trying and you'll eventually get what you need and want.      For me, having somebody to love was the most important.  Everything else follows after that.  I waited a long time to find somebody...and she ended up leading me to more than I ever thought possible.    Actually, I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I have something work-like outside of my home responsibilities to do for the first time in about 18 months.  Nobody seems to mind the real me.  And this evening, my husband said something that just really made me feel special.  He was rubbing my back, shoulders, and chest while we talked, helping me relax.  He told me that he thought I was really cute in my girl form, but that he thinks my boy form might even be cuter.  And that he's proud of his "smart little Pocket Fox."    For me, the combination of those sweet words and the physical affection was exactly what I needed. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Hi!   That was probably hard to write and then read and say, did I really write that?  Been there.   I'm glad you call it a journey.  It is.  One step at a time, and sometimes two steps forward, one back.    Abby
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Violet! We glad you found us! No one here will judge you. Each of us is unique yet we all share some similarities. And many of us are in the relative early stages of self-discovery.   Take time to wander the sections of the forums. You’ll find lots of information and ideas.   Ask questions if you feel comfortable. You will find lots of people willing to share their experiences.   Is it possible for you to possibly work with a gender therapist? Many of us have found that to be extremely helpful in finding our identity and out true selves.   Just jump in. We don’t bite! We’ve all been in some version of where you are.
    • April Marie
      Literally. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Did great with the kids
    • Sally Stone
      That's me too, Mae.  I don't think it's me as much as it is the camera (that's my story anyway).  Cameras hate me.  I never met one that liked me.  I often wish I was photogenic; sadly, not so much.   However, you look terrific in that selfie! 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...