Toni's Tale

[ShawnaLeigh]

I agree that is an amazing poster/picture.  
 

Sorry about being called your dead name (I still prefer birth name). I am starting to have the conversation with others about my new name and pronouns.  It already sounds like it will be a long road.  

[Belle]

I was at a support group last week and realized that it will be hard for me to not misgender some of the people there, even with name tags that show their preferred pronouns. I will have to get used to it as well ?

[ToniTone]

It happens, even amongst trans people (which hurts the most I think). We're better about not misgendering, but it happens. The important thing is a brief sincere apology and to correct it. No justification or excuses. 

[Belle]

That's helpful to know! I won't be quite as mortified if I do it.

[ToniTone]

I'm sorry in advance, this is sadposting (I copied this from my post on fb and editted slightly, just so anyone here who might be concerned for me can be updated, and for my own journaling)... 

 

I just had a really hard cry. I suppose mourning my youth that I took for granted and for simpler times that are now past. I miss my old family and my friends, and seeing my ma everyday. I miss saturday morning cartoons and the video games I grew up with. I miss my old hometowns. I miss the only responsibility I had was school (well kinda), and not having to make bills at risk of being homeless (again). I miss not having back and joint pain (or less of it anyway). I'm tired of getting older. My co-workers are mostly 20somethings and are a constant reminder of this. I just wish I could go back and slow the clock down for a little while. Time is cruel...

 

I also kinda regret the burdens I'm taking on of transitioning. Which is not to say I'm gonna stop, I was pretty miserable as a guy. I just feel like I'm gonna end up as a pathetic excuse for a transfem-androgynous woman. I feel like I'll never pass as a woman, maybe I need to settle on androgyny, at least to find some effect of contentment. 

 

I've been feeling really moody lately. I think in part bc of my hormones. Lately I just always feel on the verge of crying. I was more apathetic or angry living as a man. I feel calmer now. But I kinda miss that angry energy, though it was never really applied productively... 

 

Also, I'm really depressed bc it's winter. I definitely get SAD. I hate the cold and the ice. All I want to do is stay in and wait for it to be over. If only I didn't have to commute in the cold to work. I kinda just shutin and shut down in the winter. 

 

All these feelings triggered a craving, first I've had in quite a while. I just wanted a drink so I didn't have to feel these feelings for a while. I know, that's not a solution and brings many of it's own problems. Anyway, I didn't and I won't. As dark as things may seem now, they could be a lot worse if I undid all the good things I've done in my sobriety. 

 

I just want winter to be over. Maybe this year will be better than the last... Maybe... 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I feel so alone and scared in the world too... 

[Belle]

Toni, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this ?. This broken life is much harder for people like us. No matter how long we spend in a salon we're not quite as manicured as the rest of society.

 

I'm glad you were able to cry. I still often find that difficult to do. It's healthy.

 

I'm proud of you for resisting the bottle. It was crossing my mind just a few minutes before I read your post. But I know it will only drive me to suicide more quickly and make the road between here and there more difficult. You are a strong woman to still be sober. I'm glad you know it's not the answer.

 

I hope you have a warm day soon.

 

Belle ❤

[Miss Night]

Dreary I feel your pain. Not to make things worse. But tell me if you ever get this. I am in a skirt, 3 inch heels, lipstick deep red, hair down middle of my back, carrying my black purse, and I have boobs ( been on hormones for 10 years) some guy comes up to me and asks can I help you Sir. I just hate that.. but at the same time I love it when every one around him just comes down on him saying -what the heck- is wrong with you. This person is a lady. I just love that. 

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, ToniTone said:

I also kinda regret the burdens I'm taking on of transitioning. Which is not to say I'm gonna stop, I was pretty miserable as a guy. I just feel like I'm gonna end up as a pathetic excuse for a transfem-androgynous woman. I feel like I'll never pass as a woman, maybe I need to settle on androgyny, at least to find some effect of contentment. 

Toni, I truly feel for you.  There are going to be days like this.  I’m glad it’s not going to side step your goal of becoming who you are inside.  Don’t lose hope.  No one knows what tomorrow holds.

I had one of those days today too.  I had lofty goals but ended up on the phone all day putting out fires and seemingly got very little done by end of the day.  I just took a 2 hour nap which I haven’t done in ages.  I feel a little better now.  My point is that transitioning is hard work and sometimes it seems like not much is changing or getting done.  You’re in a rough patch whether it be hormonal or situational, I know it feels real.  You’re NEVER going to end up a “pathetic excuse” for anything.  You have worth and value not only here but to those lives you touch.  There are better days ahead for you.  With a little luck and plenty of patience, by this time next year you’ll no doubt be a lot further along and in a much better place.  Keep your head up girl!

 

My Best

Susan R?

[ToniTone]

Thank you for your support y'all ?

 

I talked to some friends, ate a big bowl of really chocolatey ice cream, and talked on the phone with my ma for like over an hour. I feel a little better now, I'ma take care of myself and get some good rest. Sweet dreams y'all ?

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

btw I didn't mean to say that androgynous or transfem was pathetic. They're totally valid identities that I relate to. I was just talking about myself being pathetic. 

 

Thanks again for all your support, it really means alot ?

[SaraAW]

Toni, I hope you’re sleeping well. I understand where you’re at right now, I just went through a bout of that not that long ago, when I dropped off the boards for a bit. It will pass. Reach out to friends, talk to your therapist and try to get some good quality self care in. I hope you’re feeling better soon. Hugs!

[ToniTone]

Thank you hun, I will ? 

[MetaLicious]

On 1/28/2020 at 1:11 AM, ToniTone said:

btw I didn't mean to say that androgynous or transfem was pathetic. They're totally valid identities that I relate to. I was just talking about myself being pathetic. 

 

Thanks again for all your support, it really means alot ?

Toni, we all know you weren't bashing transfemininity or androgyny, but speaking for myself, I don't want to see you bashing yourself.  You're not pathetic in the least!  You're a valuable (and valued) member of this community, and while we all get down, please please please don't be so hard on yourself.

 

On 12/25/2019 at 8:13 PM, ToniTone said:

 

I can't begin to tell you how this made my day. I cried when I first saw it, and I'm crying trying to quote it. Thank you so much for sharing this.

 

Peace, love and happiness!

[ToniTone]

Thank you hun ? I'm still feeling kinda bleh, but I'm getting by. I've been getting a lot of support, and I appreciate yours here ?

[ToniTone]

So, 10 months of transitioning on hrt, as of two days ago. Nothing really new to report, my body is still shaping, my breasts are still quite sore and are blowing up. My emotions are still very sad and girly, lol. 

 

But, I've been debating on whether I'm a trans woman or transfem androgynous, and I've finally decided that I'm both! On the one hand I want to pass as a woman, I go by she/her pronouns, and want to transition as much as possible just short of a full bottom surgery (too much hair down there). On the other hand I accept and even embrace the ambiguity of my appearance and the androgynous energy I radiate. 

 

I am a woman and I'm transgender. These two things can both be true. And I embrace it, I love both these facets of my life. 

 

~Toni

[MetaLicious]

1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

...I've been debating on whether I'm a trans woman or transfem androgynous, and I've finally decided that I'm both! ... I am a woman and I'm transgender. These two things can both be true. And I embrace it, I love both these facets of my life.

I here you!  If I had my way, I'd transition fully, but I don't think bottom surgery is ever going to be an option.  I'm already prone to UTIs, and a shorter urethra isn't going to help that.  Also, I'm a stay-at-home mom-dad, so I don't really have the wiggle room for an extended recovery time.  So, I've resigned myself to the fact that I can't always get what I want, but if I try, I might get what I need!  And what I need most at this time is to stop stagnating, stop waiting for life to be done with me, to move forward with my own self, even if I'm not sure who that is yet.!

 

I identify as transfem, but also embrace androgeny.  I knew when I started down this road that I was never going to be exactly what I wanted to be - a cisgirl. So I choose to embrace what I can be - a transgirl gender warrior who says <BLEEP!> to gender roles and gender conformity.  Us transfolk have an opportunity to do something most cisfolk never consider - to consciously choose how we express our gender!

[ToniTone]

@MetaLicious I love everything you just said! 

[ToniTone]

Sorry I haven't been very active here lately, haven't been very social or welcoming or helpful to anyone. I've been dealing with my depression, exasperated by an extra cold string of Minnesota winter days. 

 

But ever since I returned to describing my gender identity as transfeminine androgynous, in regards specific to my gender I've felt a bit more content. I can't describe how. Like, I'm still bummed when I get misgendered. But I feel like internally I'm more accepting of who I am, like I've realized a better understanding of who I am. I dunno, maybe someday as my transition has progressed I'll change back to a binary trans woman again. But for now this feels right... 

 

Anyway, just waiting for winter in Minnesota to be over. Just gotta ride this storm out... 

 

~Toni

[MetaLicious]

It seems like in this last week, the Twin Cities woke up and realized where they were - it is as if winter overslept and now it is rushing to get to work!  I am sorry to hear you have been down, Toni.  The cold alone can be depressing enough by itself.

 

I, too, have found some comfort in embracing my own duality.  I created a new Google account nearly identical to my old one. One is for Michelle and the other is for Michael, with appropriate pronouns for each.  The gender for both, however, is non-binary.  It's not a way to tell the world who I am (account gender isn't publicly visible). It's a way to remind myself that I am who I am, regardless of which identity others associate with me.

 

I would love to fully feminize in private, then present myself to the world in all my girly glory, but I decided I cannot hide anymore at all, so instead the world gets to witness my transtastic transformation.  This "in between" stage scares me more than living as a woman, but not as much as hiding as a man.

 

Hang in there, Toni.  We will get through this - both the winter and the storm.

[Taylor]

4 hours ago, ToniTone said:

Sorry I haven't been very active here lately, haven't been very social or welcoming or helpful to anyone. I've been dealing with my depression, exasperated by an extra cold string of Minnesota winter days. 

 

I totally relate to this. I've been thankful it hasn't been quite as harsh this year (heard it was supposed to be even worse than last year), but a Minnesota winter is still a Minnesota winter. I find myself longing for spring and summer.

 

Here is hoping for an early spring, and wishing you (and everyone else) the strength and patience to make it through.

[ToniTone]

Thanks y'all ?

[Maddee]

Hi Toni.  Im new on the forum and reading through your thread.  I'm going through some similiar things,....including winter blues (near Green Bay). 

Hang on for spring girl

[ToniTone]

Thank you hun ? you as well!

[ToniTone]

Yesterday was such a lovely day off! As y'all saw I got my hair dyed burgundy and styled. It was free from a friend abd co-worker who is studying cosmetology who needed a model at Aveda. I was there for about 4 hours, we had a lot of good chair talk, and I got alot of compliments from other stylists there. There were so many cute people there! It was very relaxing, besides the color and styling, he gave me a shoulder and hand massages while we waited for his instructor. And of course I got my hair shampoo/conditioned, rinsed and blow dried. I always found getting my hair washed in the bowl at the salon relaxing (even though I'm very ticklish lol)...

 

When he was done, I looked in the mirror and almost cried. I don't think I ever felt this pretty before. He really made me feel special, and it was nice to be pampered and have a little spa day. It made me so happy...

 

~Toni