Toni's Tale

[ShawnaLeigh]

Hi Toni, sorry I have not checked in on this thread in some time.  

I agree you have definably come a long way and look very pretty to me.

I just have to get that top too.

Wow.

Makes the girls look really "nice".  LOL

 

[ToniTone]

Thanks ladies ?

And no need to apologize, I have little time myself somedays to keep up on these threads. I do this as a journal of sorts for myself on my journey, but also for those of you who want to keep up with me. I appreciate it ?

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

So, I've noticed a growing number of new members here are transvestites/crossdressers (not really sure which term is more acceptable or preferred). And quite a few members who are transgender have a history of beginning the exploration of their gender with crossdressing.

 

I have very little history of crossdressing prior to coming out as trans. Which begs the question: how did I get here? How did I realize I want to manifest as a woman without having emulated it myself? 

 

So I figured I'll do this, make a bullet point list timeline-synopsis of my transgender life. The full background story of my life is in the first page of this thread. Here's the quick summary for those who are just joining in keeping up with my tale: 

 

-Childhood (age 0-15)

-average but very shy

-preferred playing with girls and their toys

-enjoyed fashion and styling with my mother

-parents are metalheads who raised me up with long hair

-never had any particular thoughts about gender identity, naive

 

-High school and college (age 16-22)

-ex-gf helps me realize I'm bisexual and androgynous. After this realization I never have much dialogue about it, subconscious, just living it

-punk/goth/romantic androgynous aesthetic

-ambiguous gender expression causes me to often confuse others as to what my gender is, or even get "misgendered" as female, either result in me being very euphoric

-these were some of the happiest times of my life... 

 

-Twenties (age 23-31)

-on and off homelessness, occupation choices (heavy manual labor) and proximity to family make me fearful, so I go back in the closet

-"identify" as cis and heterosexual

-very depressed, some of the lowest points in my life

-heavy alcoholism and drug dependence, largely in part to forget I was "a guy, at the end of the day" (end of average work day I would shower, put on my silk robe, get very drunk and just try to forget I was "a guy")...

 

-The sobering truths (age 32)

-October 6, 2018 (age 32), checked into (all male) inpatient rehab, got sober...

shortly after

-talked to an old friend who came out as a trans woman a couple years ago, seeding some thoughts that I might be trans

-begin researching transgenderism (and joined Transgender Pulse ?)

-finally realize I'm transgender (indefinitely settled on transfeminine-androgynous), schedule an appointment at nearby transgender care clinic

 

-Realization of authentic joy (age 32-33 present) 

April 2nd 2019, began transitioning

-about a month later, came out publicly as a binary transgender woman, moved to lgbtq and wonen's sober houses

-have dressed out and expressed myself as a woman exclusively ever since

-a couple months ago, reverted back to transfem-androgyny identity, have been content ever since

 

Thank you for keeping up with my continuing journey and being supportive as always. Love y'all ?

~Toni

[Maddee]

Hi Toni!

Im simultaneously happy and sorry for you staying clean and dealing with this.  More happy!!

I don't drink myself.

 

Seems like  being transgender manifests in expressions that vary in different individuals.   Environment and timing of events and relationships.

I think the differences in male and female dress  change generationally.  Dressing like a woman might mean different things to someone who grew up in a different time and experiences

 

I'm glad you have place to be that is supporting your recovery.  Can't be easy. 

It is pretty amazing you can stay at a women's building.  I thought alot of places wouldn't allow a transwoman, even post-op.  Good to know!

Hopefully, you are right where you need to be.  Stay healthy

[Lexi C]

Hey Toni wow  great to heard your accept at a woman building..

[ToniTone]

So if y'all haven't noticed, I haven't updated this journal thread of mine since I reached 1 year of transitioning on hrt. But never fear, I do intend to keep this journal alive! It's just at this point, the continueing changes are profound, yet stretched out, if that makes sense? I'm in for the long haul! Of course, this isn't just a journal for hrt specific changes. It's very intimate. It's not like a diary that I hide under my bed with the intention of noone reading, but it's not intended to be read by the masses either, it's just for y'all and the experience that we share. 

 

So, it's been a rough week-month-year for me. Besides all the stuff going on in the world... Mind you I live in the Twin Cities, ground zero of the George Floyd murder protests and adjacent riots. My store (Starbucks) closed down permanently along with a number of other stores. I filled in for a while at my first store with some of my coworkers, but eventually they became overstaffed and sent me to another store. I'm not with any of my old coworkers there, it's really sad. Anyway, after the second day of working there, I was told one of the partners came down with covid-19 symptoms, and that company policy is that everyone potentially exposed take 14 day leave of quarantine. It's paid leave so at least there's that, I really needed another vacation too after this month. I'm about a week into that. I'm told though when I get back I went get as many hours because all the stores are overstaffed. So now I'm considering a second or another job, or unemployment. I gotta make ends. 

 

A few weeks before, my grandpa died. I hadn't seen him in over a year. Even though I am out publicly and on social media, most of my extended family doesn't use it, and I don't talk to any of them (they're hicks, and kinda jerks too). But my grandpa was a good man. I don't think him or any of them would accept me though. So I avoided them. Anyway, I really regret not getting to see my grandpa one last time... 

 

My sober house is a mess. Literally and in the more profound sense of the word. The owner wasn't making a profit, so he made it a co-ed house. Three guys moved into the room next to mine. They're nice, but loud, inconsiderate, messy. They don't clean up after themselves. The house is just trashed. They leave the toilet seat up and even pee with the door open. They steal other people's food. I don't think anyone here is sober. It's not even really a sober house, just a boarding house full of messed up people. My best friend and roomie is really upset about it too. She hasn't talked to me at all. I feel like our friendship is over. I spent most of last week at one of my gf's place (during the riots) because I didn't want to be home, it's so depressing here. 

 

I kinda have two gf's now. Kinda. They both just want a casual open poly relationship. But I kinda want something more. The newer one I've been in love with for years. But she doesn't really feel the same. For about a week, the week I spent at her place, while everyone was rioting and the world outside her apartment seemed to be burning down, I felt safe and happy in her arms. But then I come back after a couple days and she said she doesn't want a serious relationship (there's a reason it felt like there was love the week before, but I'm not gonna get into it). I've been crying most all week since. 

 

Anyway, the other gf and I been talking more again. I'ma go see her today ?

 

Sorry this post was long and depressing. I'ma end it here for now. I'll update sometime today with the good things and about my transition. 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

So, I'm 1 1/5~ of a year into transition on hrt. And I must say it's everything I hoped and expected it to be. 

 

Physically, I've developed (or started to develop) the features I desire. I have breasts, and they're at a satisfactory size. And still growing! I have a butt and thighs. My waist fat has shifted some to my hips. My face has softer contours. My hair is long and healthy enough (I still worry, perhaps more than ever that I'm balding, but it's unfounded, my hair seems just fine and healthy). I have a fairly cute and sizable wardrobe, though it could always be bigger lol. I see the fem tinged androgyny and the continuing feminization, and I am so much more content with my appearance than I ever was I think. 

 

But emotionally, despite having a terrible month and year, as far as my self image is concerned I don't think it's ever been better. I go out dressed femme, confident I'm wearing it well. Most of the time I get gendered correctly now. Sometimes I get stared at or mocked, or someone is confused in regards to my gender. I get hit on/cat called alot, which is very validating, even though its really creepy.

 

I think more than anything, ever, I feel like a woman. I don't worry that I made the wrong decision about transition, or that I'm failing at being a woman. I don't dwell on it, I just wake up and catch that cutie in the mirror, and I know that's me and will be me throughout the day. I used to wake up dreading the day and dreading being me. I still wake up dreading the day. But it's not so bad when you've come to love yourself. 

 

There's still some things I want done. Laser hair removal, trachea shave, facial feminizing surgery, orchidectomy (maybe grs)... But on the meantime, I've come to pursue what I can change, and accept the things I cannot. I'm only a year+ into this journey, oh what wonders another year may bring. 

 

~Toni

[Maddee]

Thanks for updates Toni.

You are going through so much! 

And displaying alot of heart.

Glad that you are happy with your path and progress to this point. 

Rooting for you.

[ToniTone]

Thank you hun ?

[Carrie]

mmm I have had my legs waxed for so long that it has thinned out and lightened to the point it is hard to see inside even when it is fully regrown. However it does stand out in bright lights or the sun. ?

While plucking might help you you might be better off trying to do some waxing. Make sure you get the right wax for your face.

Carrie

[Carrie]

Hi Toni

Sorry I was replying to something on page two. I have just started reading your story.

Look forward the seeing the rest. 

Hugs 

Carrie

[Carrie]

Hi Toni

I have just finished page six of your story and am enjoying it very much. You are doing so well.

It is so good to see you gain so much confidence.

I wish you well in your journey

Carrie

P.S. I will read the rest later. 

Thanks so much.

[ToniTone]

Oh wow, reading half my journal in one sitting! Thank you hun ?

 

I use Nair now for body hair removal. 

 

~Toni

[Carrie]

Hi Toni

I always enjoy a good story! ?

Carrie

[Carrie]

Hi Toni

Just finished page seven will read the rest before the end of the week. 

Don't know if you are doing it but if you can afford it waxing is best for large areas.  In time with the HRT it will thin quiet a bit.  I used to do my own waxing but  only for the first couple of years it was always more easy to have it done.  I only wax my underarms 3 or 4 times a year.

Enjoy your journey

With caring

Carrie

[ToniTone]

Oh you're fine hun ?

 

I prefer using chemical depilatory creams. I was using Nair with cocoa butter. But I just tried Veet today, and I gotta say it's a much better product! It barely has a smell, didn't burn at all, and cleanly removed the hair. Plus it has a pump and comes with a neat little scraper that works pretty well. 

 

~Toni

[Carrie]

Hi Toni

Yes we all use what suits us best. ?

Hugs

Carrie

[KayC]

On 4/11/2020 at 4:29 PM, ToniTone said:

Here's the quick summary for those who are just joining in keeping up with my tale: 

Hi Toni!
I'm just catching up on your post too.  I really appreciate your quick chronology on your transition story by age grouping.  That was very helpful to myself and I am sure others.
I look forward to keeping up with your journey❣️

[ToniTone]

Thank you Kay ?

 

Tw/cw: so much. Sexual harassment, alcoholism, drug mention, suicidal ideation... I'll keep anything triggering I mention brief and vague. I don't really want to talk about it anyway. 

 

So I haven't been active here for almost two weeks. I just caught up with all the posts I missed. Didn't introduce or say anything helpful to anyone. I've been so stressed, busy, tired... Anyway, sorry. 

 

Transition wise I've been great. I feel more like a woman than ever. 

 

Life in general not so great. My last paycheck, despite working 2/3 full time, was pathetic. I think the state is finally collecting on all my traffic violations. I'm dead broke. 

 

The past few months I was in a poly relationship with two trans gf's and a cis bf. I more or less broke up with all of them on the 4th of july. Gf #1 just used me for money and had no desire to be intimate with me so I ditched her in the middle of the day. Gf #2 ghosted me like a month ago enough said. The bf and I had a wonderful 4th of july, neighbors setting off fireworks and magic everywhere, one of the best 4ths ever. But then later that night he assaulted me for lighting a cig in the house (like jumped on me and ripped it out my hand). It was pretty terrifying. So anyway that's done. Me and him still live together as roomates. We made up and are being civil. But he still kinda scares me. I dunno.

 

Another roomate, a 60 yo man, came onto me. Grabbed my butt and boobs, said he wanted to have sex later. I froze and just let it happen (the grabbing, not the sex). Anyway, he hasn't brought it up since. But between him and the ex-bf, being home is just scary. A couple nights later I went out to a nearby bar bc it was sunday and I was shook up and wanted a drink. Right away another 60 yo chaser started hitting on me and tried to tempt me with crack and meth to come to his place and do dirty. I slammed my drinks, let him talk his talk and walked out. 

 

Then just the other night on the train on my way home from work, some homeless guy crept up right next to me, whipped out his peni and started jerking it while staring me down. I got up quick and ran to the other end of the car, then ran to the next car at the next train station. 

 

I've been spending most of the past few weeks crying and not sleeping, hoping I don't become a statistic. I feel like I aged 15 years in two weeks. And I'm drinking again. And no, I don't want to talk about that in some sort of intervention kinda way. If I ever do I know there's the section on alcohol and substance abuse. It's the only solace I want or need right now. At least it hasn't violated me like the government or men have. 

 

Anyway, I'm polishing off some rum and seltzer, cuddling with my cat and chilling to some vaporwave, so life is tolerable in this moment. Here's to another day... 

 

~Toni

[Chrysalis]

Bless you Sweetie. . .hang on 'til the sun comes back up!

[KayC]

Hi Toni.   I am a bit concerned for your safety.  Do you have someplace to go if your roommates become aggressive again? 

Assuming you're still in Minneapolis area?  I found this online

https://www.mntransgenderhealth.org/ 

Please take care of yourself❣️

[ToniTone]

Thanks y'all for your concern ? sorry I haven't checked in in a while. My phone is kinda broke, I'm kinda broke, and I've just become a total recluse. But I'm NOT gonna give up! 

 

The other day on the train I kinda got attacked. There was a couple of guys groping this girl and it kinda urked me, so I stood up and said to leave her alone. Anyway, long story short I ended up throwing them off the train at the next stop, but I took a few good lickings before it was over. My face is looking a lil ugly right now. So is the world. Ugly and dark. I knew being a woman was rough, but I had no idea just how rough. But we're fighters. We fight on to be ourselves. Here's to another day. 

 

~Toni

[Lexi C]

Hey Toni

Wow your amazing. I know i have being in that situation a couple of times. You never.

As for being broke what ? have you applied for any of the aid. I finally got that PUE( Pandemic Unemployment. They apply it from March until now. I got over 13 thousands which was a BIG Relief and it came just as my Bank statement read 000. Paid all my back rent, even brought my car a new tire. Still have some left. If your really in need  more then happy to send (no strings attach) a couple of Bens. Em if you need it. We all need to stick together in this land of milk and honey. Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS 

[Maddee]

Glad you're ok Toni.

That was stand up

[ToniTone]

Thanks y'all ? 

 

@Lexi C I been working at Starbucks. I love my job but it is getting stressful. I took a couple days off, for self care but now I'm setback ~$150. I've been meaning to see about applying for it to see if there is anything l can get while still being employed part time. I'm applying for a one time rent aid, so hopefully that will help me next month. I don't really want to be indebted to anyone, but I really appreciate the offer. I'll keep it mind if this doesn't pan out. Thank you hun ?

 

~Toni