Dipping Toes In The Gender Pool

[Kelva]

Good evening various people of the online world. I am not entirely sure how to structure this, so let's begin with the basics. 

 

      As far as I am aware I have the genotype XY and present phenotypically male. Additionally I dress in a somewhat "lumbersexual" style and go by a traditional male name/ pronouns. I however identify romantically and emotionally with things/roles/caricatures that people tend to associate with femininity or the female sex. At the moment I am 23, finishing up a Masters Degree in Entrepreneurship, and about to start a Ph.D in Quantitative Population Genetics. I am a scientist as you can tell, Christian, moderate independent, borrow ideology from eastern religions, Carl Segan, Etc.; as such you can imagine I tend to not fit into particularly political/social/religions groups well. Either way you can say I am a pretty fluid and confused person in general ha ha!

 

      Based on my gender presentation, I suppose I should be upfront and give details regarding my history and exploration of gender and why I have made my way to this little section of the online world. I do not have any super early memories of being transgender or gender nonconforming as many people in videos and blogs I have read like to describe. This is probably because I have no memory before the age of ten anyway. I recall however suffering some personal trauma at that age, and soon after developed a lot of gender dysphonia. At the time I did not know what Trans was, however I felt I was female, had the desire to be a mother, and other things I have a lot of embarrassment to talk about to this day. This “self” I kept entirely hidden on the outside, and present very masculine. All the while I had an online life with female profiles on various blogs and forms. In short I was very compartmentalized. While my family is pretty androgynous, we still had lives in the Church.

     

      While my family itself has never “oppressed me” the community we were in certain pushed against LGBTQ ideas. As such I ended up repressing these issues ages 14-21. My dating history is sort of what pushed my dysphonia out again. The most recent example of this being a break up which forced the compartmentalization both in regards to my trauma and my gender to break down. As a result I have been pretty confused lately as one can imagine as to where on the gender spectrum I fall, what I want out life, how I want to viewed and treated, etc. I have begun dabbling in female related things, talking to trans people IRL (only ones I know are ftm tho, so that is tough), doing research, mediation, yoga, and all the things associated with self-growth and exploration. I however want to reach out to people with similar experiences and mtf, gender fluid, and so on, to better understand myself, the community, and hopefully the stories of other beautiful people out there. I prefer getting to know people through discussion over a bibliography, so please strike up a conversation with me. I know this was long anyway ha ha, but I look forward to hearing from whoever might have completed this TLDR.

 

      Have a great evening everyone, and good luck with the seas of life that might hit you this week!

[tracy_j]

Hi Kelva, thank you for your introduction, and welcome to Transpulse..

 

Your story sounds, as with people as a whole, similar but different. There are written examples of many simialr experiences here and progress thereafter. Please do not hesitate to read, post and join in asking anything you are not sure of. People here are friendly and helpful.

 

Tracy

[Kelva]

Thank you for your response Tracy! I have work 9-5pm and classes 6-10 so my exploration shall have to wait for the weekend. I also realized my tired face made many grammatical errors in my post. I appreciate the welcome however and look forward to interacting with you guys more ? . 

 

[Jani]

Hello Kelva, Welcome!

 

Thank you for sharing your story.  As far as wanting to reach to others with similar experiences, you've come to the right place.  We are an active community of kind and caring people.  Please join in the conversation.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Kelva.  Yes, gender can be tricky and confusing and confounding.  It often takes us a while to figure things, and ourselves, out.  But being here should help.  Please look around, ask lots of questions, poke and prod, and hopefully it will make more sense after a while.  Nice to meet you!

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Kelva]

Thank you to all the warm welcomes ? I look forward to exploring! 

[michelle_kitten]

Hi Kelva,

 

I relate to you on a couple of levels.  The whole repressing the femininity is something I did for way too long.  I was married twice, and raised two daughters (which I am glad they had a masculine dad, even though I was miserable at times).  I am Christian as well, and wrestled with the notion of whether gender was sacred until recently.  I totally get the shame, guilt, and embarrassment.  It has only recently I've tossed away the shame.  I am no longer embarrassed nor ashamed of the way I feel.  I've tried to conquer those feelings and only succeeded in making them worse.

 

I am not scientific, but intellectual and logical.  I troubleshoot for a living. This means I gather facts, run tests and go where the testing leads me.  So far, in my own journey, the tests are leading me toward transition.  I've got a ways to go yet before I can truly make that decision.  What I am personally finding is the more I open up to the possibility there is something about me I can't explain, but is definitely girl and not guy, the more I feel free and relieved.

 

What I have found here is warm people who share similar traits and are ready to encourage you as you make your journey.

 

I am glad you are here.

[Kelva]

@michelle_kitten Thank you very much for the warm welcome and being so open about your history. I very much appreciate the thoughtful response. I am glad you are finding your way now, and hope to follow in your footsteps, where ever that leads me, too or away from gender related topics. Not sure where I land yet, but your story does feel somewhat familiar. 

[reyindium]

Hi Kelva, good to meet you. I'm Rey. I joined to hear stories like yours and to find support (and be supportive) as people figure themselves out. I also work full time and go to college at night, so we have that in common. Can't wait for the day when I have 2 days off a week again instead of just one.

Best wishes for your gender journey. Having that fluidity you speak of in your life will grant you many more opportunities and experiences to develop yourself. I don't think it's a bad thing at all.