Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Sign in to follow this  
LittleRed

Married, transgender, and now questioning sexual attraction...

Recommended Posts

LittleRed

Hello,

 

I haven't posted here in a while. Brief history: I found out I was transgender about 9 months ago. I am 35 years old, married to my wife for nearly 17 years - we have six awesome children. I absolutely love my wife and I love my family. Much of the reason I didn't realize up until this age that I am wired like a woman is due to childhood verbal / emotional abuse. I am currently only partially out to friends and people we absolutely trust at our church. I present as my true self only part time - most of the time, people see me as John. Not currently on HRT. My wife is amazingly supportive and she wants to make this work for the long run (and so do I) - we really love each other.

 

In January of this year, I started to realize that I may be attracted to men. I think I'm bisexual - likely pansexual. My mind had started to wander in the "what would it be like" scenarios while I was a few thousand miles from home in a hotel room during a business trip by myself. But since that time, I often imagine myself as a transitioned woman in a relationship with a man. I think my mind just wanders there and it's not really triggered by anything in particular. I'm pretty sure if I ever lost my wife for any reason, I might give it a try with a man but only as a woman - and thats just it, I can't really see myself with a man except as a woman. The other thing is that I have a good number of male friends, none of them who I find attractive in any way. Throw me in a room full of strangers and I'll only notice the attractiveness of women. I don't find men attractive but I fantasize being with a man as a woman.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

I feel bad because I'm married and deeply committed to my wife and she is to me. I decided to talk with my wife today on those feelings and she was very understanding. I felt awful but she told me she was happy I was transparent with her. She didn't seem too concerned. I'm bothered by these feelings and wish they'd go away (I know they won't). I've talked with my therapist about this and she tells me that since I've been open and accepting of my own gender, my mind is also open about my own sexual attraction (things are coming out of the woodwork). My whole life I never knew I was bisexual or trans and this really sucks - it sucked to find out I was trans and now this. I'm mostly disturbed because I don't want to be attracted to any gender other than my wife's. I don't know how to feel about this.

 

Thanks,

 

- Jennifer

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary

I can relate to this in a way. Let me explain. I've played a role, consciously, a huge portion of my life. To me being an heterosexual male was a role just like any theater roles out there. I'm used to playing roles. When I came out my reflex was to continue this trend. I'm a woman, yes, but since the majority of woman are heterosexual then I must be heterosexual too. So I dated man. I'm very very mindfull and distrustfull of my reflex to play roles and to pretend I know myself.

 

I think that for now any interest that I give towards attraction are interest based on the fact that I want to connect with people. If I'm talking with a friend who is an heterosexual cis girl then I will put foward my experience dating man and play that role. Same thing if I'm with a group of man, I will talk about my experience with girls to entertain the conversation. It's very much based on rational thinking.

 

I don'T think I have an orientation, I think I'm asexual. I relate to what you say in a way. Although for me it's towards both sexes. I don't feel attraction but I like the idea of pretending to because nobody understand the concept of having no attraction so to connect with people it's easier to pretend. I often say I'm sexually blind, lol :D

 

Just to throw a wrench what I just shared : do I do this just to protect myself and deny my true orientation? A true mystery that would fascinate any therapists :P lollll

Share this post


Link to post
LittleRed

Thank you Mary, I think thats why it took me until the age of 35 to come out to myself that I'm a woman. I've been playing a role as a heterosexual man. What hurts is that I believed this and wanted it to be true (in some ways I still do). I played this role out of self-protection because of the way I was raised and the environment I lived in. My father was super narcissistic and I was his only son - an extension of him. Any bit of femininity was dangerous so I suppressed it and tried to forget about it.

 

Thanks for sharing 🙂

Share this post


Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Trans folk often ask if HRT causes one to become attracted to the opposite sex.  I've always felt that it wasn't the HRT that caused the change, but the fact that one recognizes that he or she is not the gender they once thought they were, and the mere recognition of that frees oneself to think in ways they never have before.  I first realized I was probably bisexual during my initial months of therapy with a G.T.  So, yes, I can relate.  I am also in a stable marriage with a woman and never seriously thought about dating anyone else, male or female.  But my wife knows and accepts that I can find some men attractive, and we even joke about it.  This trans life can sure as heck be strange and exotic.

 

Carolyn Marie

Share this post


Link to post
LittleRed
6 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

I've always felt that it wasn't the HRT that caused the change, but the fact that one recognizes that he or she is not the gender they once thought they were, and the mere recognition of that frees oneself to think in ways they never have before. 

Carolyn,

 

My therapist told me that its a myth that HRT changes your sexual attraction. She says that if you find you're attracted to men, it's because you always were attracted to men and never realized it until now. You're wired that way. Like you said, your mind is freed to think in ways that it never was allowed to.

 

- Jennifer

Share this post


Link to post
Jani
1 hour ago, LittleRed said:

My therapist told me that its a myth that HRT changes your sexual attraction. She says that if you find you're attracted to men, it's because you always were attracted to men and never realized it until now. You're wired that way. Like you said, your mind is freed to think in ways that it never was allowed to.

Yes, this is true! 

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

 

ATTRACTION does not equal  ACTION

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary
5 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

 

ATTRACTION does not equal  ACTION

 

 

couldn't be more clear :D

the funny thing here is that everybody is saying the same thing, basically

Share this post


Link to post
LittleRed

Very true that. Some things i wish i could remove from my life. This won't be one of them. However attraction doesn't mean action. There is a lot of freedom in that statement. Thank you.

Share this post


Link to post
Robin

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have always felt that it was inappropriate for me to be attracted to women, which made no sense when I thought that I was a heterosexual male.  As a female, it is understandable for me to feel pressure to conform to the general view that women should be attracted to men.  The idea of being a lesbian with a male body is extremely controversial, but this is how I see myself.

 

Social conditioning has made nearly everyone feel bad about something.

 

Robin.

 

Share this post


Link to post
LittleRed
2 hours ago, Robin said:

Social conditioning has made nearly everyone feel bad about something.

 

Wonderfully put, Robin!

Share this post


Link to post
michelle_kitten

I share your struggle in a way.

 

The girl in me wants to be all girl, indistinguishable from any cis-woman and thus a wants to experience romance as a girl.  Like many cis-women, I think I would rather be the nurturer behind a strong man, rather than the leader.  While this may be a stereotype, and maybe even a bit archaic, it is where my mind and heart are at.

 

This doesn't mean I have sexual attraction to men.  I am not sure I could or would go there.  I have had a lot of friends who are gay, and have found and still find them sexually unappealing, though some are great friends.

 

If I transition, I think I will open myself to the possibility of an emotional relationship with a guy.  Under those conditions, I could see myself nurturing, and even giving a certain level of submission as a gift to the guy I am with at the time.  That is not to say I would like to enter into a BDSM relationship, nor something in anyway servile.  I think allowing a guy to lead and being willing to follow has a certain beauty and romance I find deeply alluring.

 

I think if I ever did find myself in a sexual situation with a man, it would be a situation wherein I would be willing to set aside my lack of sexual attraction to gain the intimacy of a physical relationship.  Because of my lack of physical attraction, it would have to be a guy I trust completely, within the confines of a committed relationship, and after developing other levels of intimacy first.  This would be a situation where the closeness would guide the moment, rather than passion contriving the moment.

 

My own fantasies, the few times I have allowed myself to have them are almost always of a more romantic nature.  I envision him sitting on a couch watching TV or talking with friends and I come sit close and rest my back on his chest and he wraps his arms around me.  In my mind I can see us sitting across a table at some eatery smiling and laughing together, though I can't picture his face.  Maybe even entering some social gathering walking close together with my arm around his shoulders and his around my waste (a long white dress with pleats is almost always a part of this one, but it's a fantasy, right?).  

 

At the same time, I've all but stopped seeing women as attractive as well.  I can look at a woman and see a pretty face or a certain figure and appreciate it without compulsion nor stimulation of my libido.  More often than not I say to myself, "Wow! I wish I could be that pretty."  I also find myself totally wanting a pair of cute wedges when I see them on a girl. LOL.

 

Realistically, the kind of relationship I described will probably never happen.  Most cis-girls spend their lives looking for that one special guy.  I hardly think transitioning is going to happen and then somehow I will find that guy.  It is fun to fantasize a bit, but the odds are slim to nil of ever having achieving what many non-trans people never reach.  I am okay with never finding that relationship. I really don't feel like I need sex in my life right now.  Sure, I yearn for some romance, though I don't need it and will find ways of coping.

 

Can I say this new found desire for romance is something that's been there all my life.  No.  Or should I say not the part of me that's had to live this life thus far.  I am discovering the girl who has been inside me has her own mind on these things.  I don't see that as being gay, but rather the result of getting to know the me which has long been imprisoned in the expectations of the world, based on my outward anatomy.

 

Maybe something I've written will resonate with you or someone else.  I just kinda rambled.  I have a tendency to do that.

 

Fortunately, I am single and don't have a person to whom I have a commitment.  I can afford to indulge in allowing myself everything the girl in me wants and needs.  I don't have anyone who will be hurt by my decisions except me.  I can't even imagine the turmoil you must be feeling.  I am so sorry you are struggling.  

Share this post


Link to post
LittleRed

Thank you Michelle for sharing your experience. Aside from the single life, I feel like I can relate to most of what you said.

Share this post


Link to post
michelle_kitten

I am glad this spoke to you.  It was therapy for me to write it all out.  It is the first I've been able to put into words the scope and true nature of how I feel about this subject.  It made me realize the girl personality  in me is much more developed than I previously thought.

 

One thing I can say for certain is your wife is exceptional.  Both of the women to whom I was married would not have entertained my girly inside.  I would have been labelled a pervert, rejected, and in the later marriage separated from my children.  Most likely I would have been exposed at church and humiliated, and even possibly ostracized.

 

I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder.  I am a high functioning depressive.  I smile and don't stay down long, but I have physical symptoms and can experience short term memory loss, trouble processing, and have even had sleep apnea symptoms and chest pains from the depression.  Half of the dealing with depression for me is medication.  The other half is maintaining an attitude of gratitude.  I try to be thankful everyday for the things I have, which keeps my mind off the things I don't have.  When people ask me how I am, I respond by saying I am blessed.  It reminds me of the fact I have a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear.  There are great people at work.  I have all I need in the moment.

 

You can't argue away the way you feel.  You can't suppress, or it will come back all the stronger.  My current state is proof of that, having suppressed my girl power for so long.  In my mind, the way to deal with unwanted feelings is often to change and replace them.  Maybe your way of dealing with your desires is to replace them with gratitude, at least for awhile.  As I have said, you have an exceptional wife.  You might try finding something to thank her for when ever your mind starts down the path of fantasy you don't want.  This will bring you into the present, and give you something else to think about.  The great part of being grateful is I've never seen it do any harm.  Maybe this is something you can try until you can figure out what else to do with the feelings you have.  This might be something to try.

 

For me, I need to start doing this when I am tempted to go online shopping.  So many cute clothes and purses, so little money!  I am grateful for what I have... I am grateful for what I have... I am grateful... LOL.

Share this post


Link to post
Jani

Michelle, 

5 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

I am glad this spoke to you.  It was therapy for me to write it all out.  It is the first I've been able to put into words the scope and true nature of how I feel about this subject.  It made me realize the girl personality  in me is much more developed than I previously thought.

This is awesome.  Being able to write what your thoughts are is powerful.  That you did it here is wonderful in that we all get to read it and others may see this is the path for themselves too.   Speaking with others (even on-line) is cathartic.  Thanks for sharing.  

 

Jani

Share this post


Link to post
LittleRed

So I had an interesting conversation with some good peers in the LGBT community where I live and it was explained to me that there is sexual attraction and romantic attraction.

 

So assessing my feelings and attractions, I think I came to the conclusion:

 

I'm definitely sexually attracted to women. Always have been and probably always will be. I've never been physically attracted to a man and don't typically even notice them as I do women. However I often think of myself with a man as a loving wife who wants to please him and also be swept off her feet. So I think I'm romantically attracted to both men and women. I have (and always have had) a deep longing to have the the romantic connection (as a wife) to whoever I'm with. 

 

I am married happily and wish to never change that and fortunately we've been having these kinds of talks as a couple. She really wants to connect with me in a way that satisfies both our needs and I want that too.

 

If I ever lose my wife, I may try to date men but I don't know that could ever work or not. Hopefully I'll never have to find out.

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

I have had fantasies about being the fairy-tale princess swept away by Prince Charming as well.  I have had outings and meals with both males and females.  I do think you had a very enlightening experience here that will help you on your journey.  I do know couples where a cis wife has loudly and proudly told people that she is very much in love with her Trans wife, but she is not a lesbian in the usual sense. The couple I know is so so so cute, along with their AMAB Trans daughter, and a cis son and daughter.  When they are around the love and fun will knock you out of hate so hard you would not believe it. 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 89 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • QuestioningAmber
    • MaryMary
    • DeeDee
    • SamanthaC
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,249
    • Total Posts
      625,442
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,822
    • Most Online
      8,356

    theunnamed
    Newest Member
    theunnamed
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • woailuo123
      I love high heels, as a man. I like wearing them outdoors, listening to the sound of heels in the walk, it drives me excited. However, I don't have the gut to wear it in public, so what I do is bringing the female outfit and the heels, going to a rural area where there's no one around, like construction sites or countryside ( at night of course), wearing them and try to walk or even run with them. Things get even more excited when there are sound of cars or motorcycles coming near, especially when I am quite a range from my car, I have to run as fast as I can and get into the car before they see a man wearing high heels. It always makes my day. And rarely, it doesn't get better when I nearly sprain my ankle trying to run in heels.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Thank you.  I know in time it will get better and I’m normally a very positive person.   I just need to formulate my planB and find some security for my future.  Luckily I have a couple plans to help lower my bill load and allow me to afford to move out eventually.  
    • Krisvm
      I think that may be the same one I am trying to get in contact with!     I know that and that is why I have tried to be patient but now it has been over a month and nothing I am getting a little concerned.
    • Krisvm
      I would say in the longer term try to be patient with yourself. One thing I have struggled with is that I want to keep moving faster and faster but some things do take a long time to work through. Also try to take care of yourself afterwards. Therapy may not seem like it but often you are doing a lot of mental work so a bit of selfcare after can do you the world of good.
    • tracy_j
      I get where you are coming from on this Samantha as my best description is 'I am not a man'. I sometimes think it strange with myself as I have a male body I don't despise, just think it could be better. It works which is the main thing for me.  I agree with Mary in that I am me (Ok a slight twist on her meaning maybe). I am who I am and mentally far more attuned to the set of women than that of men. I did not really ever adapt to male culture either and never understood the 'us and them' thing. I still question myself, but if there has to be a divide I am female. It's not really down to clothes or looks. It is who I am deep inside.   Tracy
    • DeeDee
      I can only echo what others have said Laura - any therapist can only reflect on the information you give them, so be brutally blunt about your feelings and why you are there, and don't expect too much after your first session 🤗 I talked for over 2 hours and the only comment I got was an assurance that this was not a mental health issue and that they would support me as best as they could. I had to stop myself from hugging her as I left lol.
    • Susan R
      Great question and it seemed a deceptively easy one at first until you really think about it in depth.   Speaking only for myself, I believe it has more to do with what I think of myself and what role I have always desired within my circle family, friends, acquaintances and community.   When I was four, I had no interest in being like my dad or younger brother.  I liked what my mom did...being the caregiver and glue within our family.  I desired to be like her whether it was in the kitchen, shopping at the store, taking us places, etc... I also wanted to be like my two older sisters.  They were always doing things I enjoyed and when I was eventually included in their "dressing up" activities, it was then I felt like one of the girls.  I felt like myself as others have stated.  It never changed throughout my entire life.  I pretended it did but I always felt fake when presenting as male.  Now I'm living day to day in my natural role as a women along with presenting as one as well.  I'm known by my family, friends, acquaintances and community as Susan which is how it should have been all along.   Just my 2¢, Susan R🌷
    • tracy_j
      It will get easier in time Shawna. I find in times of stress that keeping very busy helps. I am out like a light.   Tracy
    • tracy_j
      It's interesting you say that DeeDee. I remember a year or two back when in my work clothes (so male) buying some more sporty womens leggings from Topshop and asking the assistant about sizing. She said that quite a few men bought them. It seems to work both ways.   Tracy
    • ShawnaLeigh
      340am.  Can’t seem to get a full nights sleep since coming out to some of my family and my wife.  Still have deeper stress and anxiety about it.  So tired all the time now.   might as well get up and do my work out and get the day rolling.  Coffee soon! i hope everyone has a good day.  
    • DeeDee
      No worries Anna, you are going to need that brolly now we are into winter! I have not been keeping well recently, but am starting to feel better so I intend to start going back out again next week - I have actually missed my morning jogs, and mens running tights are just socially acceptable leggings so it feels nice wearing them out in public too. 😉
    • DeeDee
      I agree with Mary, this is a really good question Samantha. Once you take sex organs out of the equation, because a mastectomy or hysterectomy do not stop a woman being a woman, all you are left with is the gender stereotypes in society (women like shopping, men like fixing cars) which we also know don't mean anything really or we wouldn't be here, and your personal feelings about where you feel most comfortable. But it is definitely a "what does it mean to you?" 😊
    • Josie Beth
      I never understood the stark contrast between the two grandmothers that I’ve had in my life because both of them lived through the Great Depression. The unapologetic one was like many I’ve heard of in that she was afraid of doing without. So afraid that it became entirely selfish. And of course she passed this on to my father who was the favorite and ended up playing favorites, preferring my brother to me. I was the one who was constantly blamed for things my brother did, or for things other school children did.   A couple of examples. My brother locked me out of a building one day when I was about to pee my pants and laughed at me from the other side. I tried to get my mother’s attention by knocking but she was vacuuming so she didn’t hear. I knocked harder and in my panic broke the window. I felt bad enough about it and still peed my pants but I was blamed for everything. When I pointed out that it wouldn’t have happened if my brother had not locked me out, my bank account was drained to pay for the window while my brother wasn’t punished at all. I only had $30 in it but that forced me to close the account while my brother was accruing interest and kept rubbing it in.   Another example was when I was given a basketball in school by another student who scratched their name off and wrote mine on it. I brought it home and happily showed it off to my parents. Instead of them being happy for me they called around and decided that I had stolen it which resulted in a severe beating and the confiscation of the ball. I also got in trouble with the school and still didn’t understand why. I found out later that this “friend” set me up and the ball actually belonged to the school. I didn’t know about how to tell if it was a school ball, I was just a happy kid. But these injustices are still with me and when I confronted my dad about them he didn’t apologize either, he just waved it off dismissively and said he had forgotten all about it. The point was that I hadn’t forgotten about it and I wanted an apology. So when I encounter attitudes like this in people or management practices I just can’t abide by them. Nobody has the right to mistreat someone and then just cling to their arrogance about it.    My maternal grandmother was also in the Great Depression but her memories of that time were far different. She didn’t fear doing without. Her memories were not about being hungry but encounters with comical people who lived nearby. Her whole demeanor was completely different. It was one of benevolence and sharing her love of life. She was not attached to money in a way that harmed others. She spared no expense to show us kids all kinds of wonderful experiences. It was about family not greed. Her attitude was one of plenty instead of despair. I really think this had a lot to do with how much richer her life was and it was always more fun on that side of the family. I actually look up to her and my aunts a lot more than anybody else. Their energy is so much better. 
    • Dannie
      Congrats I love going to my therapist she is my rock Just be truthful and you will figure out what is right for you
    • Dannie
      To me it feels right my wife ask me why I CD? This is before I got married. And I thought about it and the answer is I feel right. This is me the hair the dress the makeup the shoes and of course the breast forms. It’s like I walk around in a black and white movie, and when I dress it’s all color. Like the Wizard of Oz and I’m  Julie Garland off to see the wizard. To get my HRT because I can’t go back to that dark place again 
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...