Married, transgender, and now questioning sexual attraction...

[LittleRed]

Hello,

 

I haven't posted here in a while. Brief history: I found out I was transgender about 9 months ago. I am 35 years old, married to my wife for nearly 17 years - we have six awesome children. I absolutely love my wife and I love my family. Much of the reason I didn't realize up until this age that I am wired like a woman is due to childhood verbal / emotional abuse. I am currently only partially out to friends and people we absolutely trust at our church. I present as my true self only part time - most of the time, people see me as John. Not currently on HRT. My wife is amazingly supportive and she wants to make this work for the long run (and so do I) - we really love each other.

 

In January of this year, I started to realize that I may be attracted to men. I think I'm bisexual - likely pansexual. My mind had started to wander in the "what would it be like" scenarios while I was a few thousand miles from home in a hotel room during a business trip by myself. But since that time, I often imagine myself as a transitioned woman in a relationship with a man. I think my mind just wanders there and it's not really triggered by anything in particular. I'm pretty sure if I ever lost my wife for any reason, I might give it a try with a man but only as a woman - and thats just it, I can't really see myself with a man except as a woman. The other thing is that I have a good number of male friends, none of them who I find attractive in any way. Throw me in a room full of strangers and I'll only notice the attractiveness of women. I don't find men attractive but I fantasize being with a man as a woman.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

I feel bad because I'm married and deeply committed to my wife and she is to me. I decided to talk with my wife today on those feelings and she was very understanding. I felt awful but she told me she was happy I was transparent with her. She didn't seem too concerned. I'm bothered by these feelings and wish they'd go away (I know they won't). I've talked with my therapist about this and she tells me that since I've been open and accepting of my own gender, my mind is also open about my own sexual attraction (things are coming out of the woodwork). My whole life I never knew I was bisexual or trans and this really sucks - it sucked to find out I was trans and now this. I'm mostly disturbed because I don't want to be attracted to any gender other than my wife's. I don't know how to feel about this.

 

Thanks,

 

- Jennifer

[LittleRed]

Thank you Mary, I think thats why it took me until the age of 35 to come out to myself that I'm a woman. I've been playing a role as a heterosexual man. What hurts is that I believed this and wanted it to be true (in some ways I still do). I played this role out of self-protection because of the way I was raised and the environment I lived in. My father was super narcissistic and I was his only son - an extension of him. Any bit of femininity was dangerous so I suppressed it and tried to forget about it.

 

Thanks for sharing ?

[Carolyn Marie]

Trans folk often ask if HRT causes one to become attracted to the opposite sex.  I've always felt that it wasn't the HRT that caused the change, but the fact that one recognizes that he or she is not the gender they once thought they were, and the mere recognition of that frees oneself to think in ways they never have before.  I first realized I was probably bisexual during my initial months of therapy with a G.T.  So, yes, I can relate.  I am also in a stable marriage with a woman and never seriously thought about dating anyone else, male or female.  But my wife knows and accepts that I can find some men attractive, and we even joke about it.  This trans life can sure as heck be strange and exotic.

 

Carolyn Marie

[LittleRed]

6 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

I've always felt that it wasn't the HRT that caused the change, but the fact that one recognizes that he or she is not the gender they once thought they were, and the mere recognition of that frees oneself to think in ways they never have before. 

Carolyn,

 

My therapist told me that its a myth that HRT changes your sexual attraction. She says that if you find you're attracted to men, it's because you always were attracted to men and never realized it until now. You're wired that way. Like you said, your mind is freed to think in ways that it never was allowed to.

 

- Jennifer

[Jani]

1 hour ago, LittleRed said:

My therapist told me that its a myth that HRT changes your sexual attraction. She says that if you find you're attracted to men, it's because you always were attracted to men and never realized it until now. You're wired that way. Like you said, your mind is freed to think in ways that it never was allowed to.

Yes, this is true! 

[VickySGV]

 

ATTRACTION does not equal  ACTION. 

 

 

 

 

[LittleRed]

Very true that. Some things i wish i could remove from my life. This won't be one of them. However attraction doesn't mean action. There is a lot of freedom in that statement. Thank you.

[Robin]

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have always felt that it was inappropriate for me to be attracted to women, which made no sense when I thought that I was a heterosexual male.  As a female, it is understandable for me to feel pressure to conform to the general view that women should be attracted to men.  The idea of being a lesbian with a male body is extremely controversial, but this is how I see myself.

 

Social conditioning has made nearly everyone feel bad about something.

 

Robin.

 

[LittleRed]

2 hours ago, Robin said:

Social conditioning has made nearly everyone feel bad about something.

 

Wonderfully put, Robin!

[michelle_kitten]

I share your struggle in a way.

 

The girl in me wants to be all girl, indistinguishable from any cis-woman and thus a wants to experience romance as a girl.  Like many cis-women, I think I would rather be the nurturer behind a strong man, rather than the leader.  While this may be a stereotype, and maybe even a bit archaic, it is where my mind and heart are at.

 

This doesn't mean I have sexual attraction to men.  I am not sure I could or would go there.  I have had a lot of friends who are gay, and have found and still find them sexually unappealing, though some are great friends.

 

If I transition, I think I will open myself to the possibility of an emotional relationship with a guy.  Under those conditions, I could see myself nurturing, and even giving a certain level of submission as a gift to the guy I am with at the time.  That is not to say I would like to enter into a BDSM relationship, nor something in anyway servile.  I think allowing a guy to lead and being willing to follow has a certain beauty and romance I find deeply alluring.

 

I think if I ever did find myself in a sexual situation with a man, it would be a situation wherein I would be willing to set aside my lack of sexual attraction to gain the intimacy of a physical relationship.  Because of my lack of physical attraction, it would have to be a guy I trust completely, within the confines of a committed relationship, and after developing other levels of intimacy first.  This would be a situation where the closeness would guide the moment, rather than passion contriving the moment.

 

My own fantasies, the few times I have allowed myself to have them are almost always of a more romantic nature.  I envision him sitting on a couch watching TV or talking with friends and I come sit close and rest my back on his chest and he wraps his arms around me.  In my mind I can see us sitting across a table at some eatery smiling and laughing together, though I can't picture his face.  Maybe even entering some social gathering walking close together with my arm around his shoulders and his around my waste (a long white dress with pleats is almost always a part of this one, but it's a fantasy, right?).  

 

At the same time, I've all but stopped seeing women as attractive as well.  I can look at a woman and see a pretty face or a certain figure and appreciate it without compulsion nor stimulation of my libido.  More often than not I say to myself, "Wow! I wish I could be that pretty."  I also find myself totally wanting a pair of cute wedges when I see them on a girl. LOL.

 

Realistically, the kind of relationship I described will probably never happen.  Most cis-girls spend their lives looking for that one special guy.  I hardly think transitioning is going to happen and then somehow I will find that guy.  It is fun to fantasize a bit, but the odds are slim to nil of ever having achieving what many non-trans people never reach.  I am okay with never finding that relationship. I really don't feel like I need sex in my life right now.  Sure, I yearn for some romance, though I don't need it and will find ways of coping.

 

Can I say this new found desire for romance is something that's been there all my life.  No.  Or should I say not the part of me that's had to live this life thus far.  I am discovering the girl who has been inside me has her own mind on these things.  I don't see that as being gay, but rather the result of getting to know the me which has long been imprisoned in the expectations of the world, based on my outward anatomy.

 

Maybe something I've written will resonate with you or someone else.  I just kinda rambled.  I have a tendency to do that.

 

Fortunately, I am single and don't have a person to whom I have a commitment.  I can afford to indulge in allowing myself everything the girl in me wants and needs.  I don't have anyone who will be hurt by my decisions except me.  I can't even imagine the turmoil you must be feeling.  I am so sorry you are struggling.  

[LittleRed]

Thank you Michelle for sharing your experience. Aside from the single life, I feel like I can relate to most of what you said.

[michelle_kitten]

I am glad this spoke to you.  It was therapy for me to write it all out.  It is the first I've been able to put into words the scope and true nature of how I feel about this subject.  It made me realize the girl personality  in me is much more developed than I previously thought.

 

One thing I can say for certain is your wife is exceptional.  Both of the women to whom I was married would not have entertained my girly inside.  I would have been labelled a pervert, rejected, and in the later marriage separated from my children.  Most likely I would have been exposed at church and humiliated, and even possibly ostracized.

 

I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder.  I am a high functioning depressive.  I smile and don't stay down long, but I have physical symptoms and can experience short term memory loss, trouble processing, and have even had sleep apnea symptoms and chest pains from the depression.  Half of the dealing with depression for me is medication.  The other half is maintaining an attitude of gratitude.  I try to be thankful everyday for the things I have, which keeps my mind off the things I don't have.  When people ask me how I am, I respond by saying I am blessed.  It reminds me of the fact I have a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear.  There are great people at work.  I have all I need in the moment.

 

You can't argue away the way you feel.  You can't suppress, or it will come back all the stronger.  My current state is proof of that, having suppressed my girl power for so long.  In my mind, the way to deal with unwanted feelings is often to change and replace them.  Maybe your way of dealing with your desires is to replace them with gratitude, at least for awhile.  As I have said, you have an exceptional wife.  You might try finding something to thank her for when ever your mind starts down the path of fantasy you don't want.  This will bring you into the present, and give you something else to think about.  The great part of being grateful is I've never seen it do any harm.  Maybe this is something you can try until you can figure out what else to do with the feelings you have.  This might be something to try.

 

For me, I need to start doing this when I am tempted to go online shopping.  So many cute clothes and purses, so little money!  I am grateful for what I have... I am grateful for what I have... I am grateful... LOL.

[Jani]

Michelle, 

5 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

I am glad this spoke to you.  It was therapy for me to write it all out.  It is the first I've been able to put into words the scope and true nature of how I feel about this subject.  It made me realize the girl personality  in me is much more developed than I previously thought.

This is awesome.  Being able to write what your thoughts are is powerful.  That you did it here is wonderful in that we all get to read it and others may see this is the path for themselves too.   Speaking with others (even on-line) is cathartic.  Thanks for sharing.  

 

Jani

[LittleRed]

So I had an interesting conversation with some good peers in the LGBT community where I live and it was explained to me that there is sexual attraction and romantic attraction.

 

So assessing my feelings and attractions, I think I came to the conclusion:

 

I'm definitely sexually attracted to women. Always have been and probably always will be. I've never been physically attracted to a man and don't typically even notice them as I do women. However I often think of myself with a man as a loving wife who wants to please him and also be swept off her feet. So I think I'm romantically attracted to both men and women. I have (and always have had) a deep longing to have the the romantic connection (as a wife) to whoever I'm with. 

 

I am married happily and wish to never change that and fortunately we've been having these kinds of talks as a couple. She really wants to connect with me in a way that satisfies both our needs and I want that too.

 

If I ever lose my wife, I may try to date men but I don't know that could ever work or not. Hopefully I'll never have to find out.

[VickySGV]

I have had fantasies about being the fairy-tale princess swept away by Prince Charming as well.  I have had outings and meals with both males and females.  I do think you had a very enlightening experience here that will help you on your journey.  I do know couples where a cis wife has loudly and proudly told people that she is very much in love with her Trans wife, but she is not a lesbian in the usual sense. The couple I know is so so so cute, along with their AMAB Trans daughter, and a cis son and daughter.  When they are around the love and fun will knock you out of hate so hard you would not believe it.