a nonbinary transition?

[roman]

i’ve known for years that i’m not a girl. i went from identifying as gender fluid to just calling myself nonbinary. i keep saying i’m fine with usually being misgendered because i tend to present a bit more feminine & i know people don’t see anything else when they look at me unless they know the truth. but i’m really tired of it... it makes me uncomfortable to have boobs (even uncomfortable to talk about the fact that i have them lol) and it makes me uncomfortable to be called a girl, to be referred to as ‘she.’ 

in the last six or seven months, i’ve been wrestling with the idea of maybe i’m a boy. i feel closer to that than to being a girl, and sometimes i think ‘i wish i had just been born a boy’ because then i wouldn’t have to worry about it. i could just be a boy. and i feel like that’s very telling, but i also feel like i don’t really fit on the binary in that way. and i keep saying i can be whatever kind of boy i want, i don’t have to conform to the standard masculinity and i don’t even have to change my pronouns. 

 

i guess what i want to ask is if there’s anyone else afab who has at least partially transitioned (top surgery, hormones, whatever) but doesn’t identify as a man? if anyone retains some sort of nonbinary identity while also taking the steps to transition physically? i feel like this might be where i’m at and maybe what i want but hearing someone else’s story if it’s the same/similar would help validate my own feelings and maybe it will help me be closer to knowing who i want to be i guess

[Charlize]

Welcome Roman,

I don't know if this helps at all.  As a trans woman i live a life that is considerably different than almost any cis gender women i have ever met.  Perhaps most trans folks, either MTF or FTM are in someways non binary.

I would also recommend talking to a gender therapist.  I know that helped me a great deal in accepting myself and finding a path.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[EliAtkins]

On 4/17/2019 at 10:30 AM, roman said:

i guess what i want to ask is if there’s anyone else afab who has at least partially transitioned (top surgery, hormones, whatever) but doesn’t identify as a man? if anyone retains some sort of nonbinary identity while also taking the steps to transition physically? i feel like this might be where i’m at and maybe what i want but hearing someone else’s story if it’s the same/similar would help validate my own feelings and maybe it will help me be closer to knowing who i want to be i guess

 

I don't know anyone personally (as I'm still fairly new to all of this myself) and I don't have anyone to recommend to you that has, but I have heard of some non-binary folks that have done hrt or surgery.  I've heard of some going on testosterone for like a year or two until they feel they're passing and/or happy with the way they look and then go off of it.  If you do this, your doctor may put you on a hormone blocker or low dose testosterone gel after going off of testosterone.

 

It's not an exact fit, but the closest thing I can recommend is watching some videos by YouTuber UppercaseChase1.  He transitioned and then went off of testosterone after like 7 or 8 years.  He doesn't identify as non-binary, but does discuss some of the stuff you're talking about.  His video about why he went off testosterone and why he doesn't identify as non-binary are definitely worth a look.

[GothicLucas]

You've basically described me, but I haven't yet started HRT or top surgery. I'm a vocalist and hesitant to alter my voice with T, and I just hate the idea of surgery itself since I've had surgery and the recovery period sucks. If I could just pop them off my chest, I would in a heartbeat. Orrrr I could just be terrified of change, who knows.

My ideal self has a flat chest, boyish voice, passes as male or at least confuses people, and either goes by female pronouns or other woman-identifying words like mom, actress, etc. I have thought long and hard about this, and identifying as completely male feels like an erasure of my girlhood and the pain and privileges that I experienced because of it. But I feel in my gut that I'm not a woman--not even a boyish or androgynous one. There's a sense of calmness and me-ness that I get from the physical masculinity that goes deeper than just fashion or looks.

[roman]

thank you for these responses. i’ll check out that youtube channel!! hearing other people’s stories and how they deal with not fully fitting on the binary is so important to me and i know i don’t need to rely on anyone else to make my identity valid, but hearing similar experiences to mine really does at least help me feel like i’m not alone 

[Jani]

You are certainly not alone.  There are many of us that have similar experiences and we are happy.  You can be too.  Be you!