Coming out to my ma?

[ToniTone]

So I'm here at my storage with my ma, helping her move some things I'm letting her store here. She went out for a while so here I am. We just got into a big argument, ugh! I don't want to be here now... 

 

I was thinking of taking her for coffee later and coming out to her, but now I'm not so sure... 

 

I for the longest her and I have been the only family there for each other, everyone else is just kinda estranged. But she only really cares for herself. She talks all the time, and never gives me space to just breath. She only cares about things she's interested in. She never listens to me or anyone. Her selfis, self-centeredness is such a put off. I don't think I really love my mother... 

 

I don't even care how she's gonna feel anymore. I was looking forward to this, but  now I'm just crushed. This is about me. But she'll probably just make it about herself. 

 

Whatever, I don't need this right now. I'm leaving... 

[Jani]

Hey Toni, sorry for the late reply as I'm sure you were hoping for some "words of wisdom" earlier.  I hope whatever you did worked out well.  

 

It seems like your mother never grew into being a person that looked beyond their own world.   This is sad.  As to whether you love her or not, that is for you to decide but not all families are close so its all right to feel this way.  Love it seems is a two way street.  We give love and hope to get is back.  When we don't its OK to retreat. As you probably know, some people just don't know enough to quit, hoping against hope the other person will change.  As you've seen here, it doesn't always happen.  I'm not saying to cut your mother off but realize the relationship may always be one sided.  

 

If you think telling her would just increase your grief, then don't.   Look out for your own sanity and well being.  

 

Hugs, Jani 

[ToniTone]

Thank you Jani! ❤️

No it's cool. I know folks here and elsewhere are busy and maybe have their own struggles, it would be unreasonable to  expect someone to cater to me immediatly over the wire. I was still juggling in my head what I was gonna do as I was typing and at the last sentence I just decided to retreat before getting hurt anymore. 

 

Maybe saying I don't love my ma anymore was a harsh stretch. But I do feel myself growing more distant from her and her toxic ways. 

 

This year I decided I'm going to stop denying myself what I need to make me feel fullfilled and happy, stop catering to others and depriving myself. So far it's going great. But I know I'm going to have to defend myself sometimes from resistance. 

 

Anyway, I'm back at home, showered, got my pj's on, brushed my hair all nice. Sitting outside enjoying this beautiful warm evening with some green tea, feeling fine! Gotta treat yourself right, ya know... 

 

~Toni ❤️

[ToniTone]

So I came out to my ma today finally! It was bittersweet, but I feel content about it. We had an awesome day today. We walked around my town (mpls) and listened to 80s rock, it was pretty rad! 

 

I shyed up as I was bracing to tell her and she bullied it out of my until I just blabbed. Right away she shrieked "WHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!??!?!??", then "No. No, nonono...", all shellshocked. Instead of doing what Tony, would do- retract it and console her delicate sensibilities, I did what Toni gonna do and told her "Yeah, and if you don't like it screw you!" as abrasive, brash and punk rock as ever. 

 

Throughout the day when it would come up, she would say "l hope you change your mind and be a guy again", to which I would reply simply that it's highly improbable, I am who I am, and I'm happy this way. 

 

She also made it about her of course, and expressed apologetic sentiments for "making me this way". I cooly affirmed to her that this is who I am, that it's MY gender, and that it's not at all something shameful, nay to necessitate sympathy... 

 

I don't think she grasps it all, don't know that she ever will. But she accepts me, regardless of her naivete, which I nudgingly accept. And she still loves me and I her. I wish we had that dreamy, familial life, and I could be her daughter. But that's a fantasy, nothing more...

 

Today was ok. And sometimes ok is the best day you can have that day... 

 

❤️

~Toni

[Jani]

Well you got that out of the way and it didn't hurt much, did it?   

 

Hugs, Jani

[ToniTone]

❤️

 

Yeah, totally! I wish she understood. But she loves me regardless. Really she's the only one I was concerned about coming out to. Everyone else has less investment in me, and I feel I can deal with whatever may happen. 

 

It's a relief just letting her know and getting that tribulation over with...