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The Emergence of Michelle_Kitten


michelle_kitten

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Michelle, being open and available to others is the key to being able to lose our own natural propensity for self consciousness that is sometimes all consuming and becomes the ruination of potentially good experiences out in public and even with friendships. It also serves to drive away the dark clouds of depression that we sometimes fall into when we become overly self absorbed with our own negative self image. Most people don't see us as we do and aren't nearly as critical as we tend to be of our own selves.

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it has been awhile since i've posted.  oh my, the changes that have occurred.  

 

i have been pretty run down from work.  i am back to doing escalations, but things have changed.  it seems like management is actually interested in addressing some of the issues, and a project manager who really understands what we are doing has gotten involved.  i finally see the possibility of actually getting things under control.  Super exciting.

 

I haven't been on here much, because to some extent my social life has gotten better.  there is a group i am playing online with, which is great.  off line, i am starting to make some connections.  those are much slower, but there is a possibility of joining a weekly game night group.  i am playing an MMO called Atlas with a couple of guys who are gay, and some older friends.  these guys treat me totally as a woman, and OMG it feels so good and so right.  a new member of our group found out i am trans tonight, and he was quite shocked.  he said i sound like any other middle-aged woman.  AHHHH! i can't tell you what a compliment that is!!!.  i totally hate my voice, but he's like the second person who has told me something like that, so i am thinking its not just lip service.  i might actually be doing better with my voice than i ever hoped for.  i know i have a lot more work to do, but this means so much to me.

 

One of my friends sent me earrings for christmas.  totally made me tear up. i wasn't expecting it.

 

i am going to try to look in here more often in the new year.  i haven't forgotten about you all, but between being worn out from work and my budding social life, i've been busy.

 

love ya' all.  talk to ya' soon.

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  • Forum Moderator

AHH! I'm so happy you found a group and that things are looking up!

 

My game group was quicker. I found a group looking for players at my friendly local game store and I just introduced myself. Somehow I ended up as the GM. No idea how that actually happened. I'm glad you've got leads though!

 

So happy for you! My social life exploded after I came out too. I think it's because I'm easier to deal with as a person. Much less prickly.

 

Hugs!

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It's good to see you and to hear that your becoming a social butterfly.  Glad you stopped in.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • 1 month later...

Thanks for the words of support!

 

I have continued to be out of the loop here for another reason.  I have been struggling.  It seems I have developed or rather 're-developed' a sleep disorder.  I have been more and more exhausted every day.  It got to the point I could hardly stay awake at work, and then got to the point I am on leave from work.  Ugh!.  I am working my way through the whole process of getting a sleep study done, and almost everything else is on hold.  I have been sleeping like 10 to 16 hours a day, just trying to get enough rest and even then I am all out of it most days.

 

I have pretty much let a lot of my relationships slide for now, including here.  My room is a mess and I haven't really been able to find the motivation to do but little bits here and there to fix that.  I let my eyebrows go until i couldn't stand them anymore.  I am just drained most of the time.  I just haven't had the energy to do much more than watch youtube and sleep.  I am only eating once or twice a day, because i just haven't been hungry.

 

So, a number of years back i was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and was on a machine to sleep at night.  About 3 and a half years ago (or something like that) I was hospitalized for depression.  After getting on medication for depression, my apnea (actually hypopnea) seemed to go away and for almost three years I have been fine without a machine.  Now it seems I am in trouble again.  Yuck!!!

 

If you are the praying type, please, put in a word for me.

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Michelle I'm glad you are getting this looked at.  It could be indicative of something serious.  I know its difficult but try to stay positive. 

 

Hugs, Jani

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Yikes! I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble. Going without sleep has some pretty horrifying side-effects if you leave it untreated, so I'm glad you're getting help. Don't worry about us. We'll limp along without you until you feel better. Take care of yourself sweetie!

 

Hugs!

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4 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

If you are the praying type, please, put in a word for me.

I am that type, Michelle and truly believe in its power.  You can count on my wife and I to keep you in our prayers.

 

Hope you get some peaceful rest,

Susan R?

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Your sleep issues sounded exactly like mine when I had obstructed sleep apnea.  Then I read further down you had it too.  
Try using your machine again.  Stroke and heart attack and possibility death is nothing to turn your back on.   
It may help shake the bone deep exhaustion you feel when your not getting enough oxygen when you sleep.  
 

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On 2/12/2020 at 2:44 PM, ShawnaLeigh said:

Try using your machine again.

 

I haven't had to use my machine in about 3 and a half years.  I hung onto it for awhile.  I was totally skeptical about not needing it, but after over a year of not needing it, I got rid of it.  It was taking up space.  So, if I still had it, yeah, I would use it.

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Thanks to the rest of you for the well wishes.  I got my short term disability approved, so worrying about work is off my plate for now. ❤️

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1 hour ago, michelle_kitten said:

Thanks to the rest of you for the well wishes.  I got my short term disability approved, so worrying about work is off my plate for now. ❤️

That’s good!  I am glad for you.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

I totally love having long nails, but for some reason my natural nails chip and break easily.  My youngest daughter, who was always my fashion queen, suggested gel nail polish.  She told me if I really wanted to get crazy I could get a silk wrap done.  I had never heard of these things, so I investigated.  A few youtube videos later, I inquired about professional silk wrap services, which were way expensive.  

 

Okay, plan B.  I started buying the things I would need to do it myself.  So, every paycheck or so I'd buy an item.  I got the nail drill to prep my nails, the ultraviolet dryer, the clear builder gel, the brushes, and of course the silk.  The last piece came today, which was a brush set.  So tonight I sat down and did my left thumb nail.  My goal was not to build huge nails like some of the girls on youtube do.  I just wanted to strengthen and slightly extend my own nails.

 

So, okay, now I need to test.  It is a slightly time consuming process, so I am not going to put in the time or make a mess of several nails is this isn't entirely as straight forward as it looked.  I chose my left thumb nail for a test run.  First the clear polish came off all my nails.  I used the drill to lightly sand the nails and remove any cuticle stuff that wouldn't look good.  Then I cut the silk, slightly larger than I needed.  A light coating of the the builder gel over the nail created a stick surface to which the silk would stick.  Then I quickly set the initial coat by using the ultraviolet dryer for like four seconds.  From there I built up the nail, extending the gel out onto the yet dry silk extending beyond my natural nail.  After several coats of gel, and about 30 seconds of drying I sat and watched Disney Plus for about 20 minutes until the nail finished setting up.  Finally, I trimmed the silk with a small pair of scissors and then using the drill and a nail file for the final shape.

 

The result isn't perfect, but I extended my natural nail about 1/8 of an inch and it looks fairly natural, without even putting polish over it.  I could have layered the gel on a little bit smoother.  I am going to let it harden over night and then try sanding out some of the bumps.  I coat of clear nail polish should restore the luster to the surface after sanding.  I did pretty well for a first try.

 

I am going to wear just the thumbnail for a few days to see how it stands up to day to day use, before doing the others.  I might decide I need more gel, or less.  We will see.

 

I am so excited I might be able to grow out my nails a little with this method.  I don't want the huge nails I see some girls wear.  I prefer a more natural look.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sleep continues to be an issue for me.  I sleep a lot, but seem to never become fully rested.  I have had a couple of better days recently and found the energy to deep clean my bathroom, one evening, rather than just trying to maintain as I have been doing.  Effort leaves me out of breath right now.  Even climbing the stairs to my room.  I had groceries delivered this past week, partially because the effort of going grocery shopping seemed monumental.

 

I am in a bad place in regards to my whole FMLA and Short Term Disability.  It expires Sunday, but neither of the doctors I have seen are willing to extend it.  My original appointment for a sleep study has been postponed due to delays in getting the paperwork from my sleep specialist to the sleep lab, so they could contact my insurance company for approval.  Plus, they want like $1900 up front, which I don't have at the moment (due to deductibles and co-pays).  Payday is tomorrow, and I should be able to come up with the little bit I am short of the amount they want.  That said, I am going to have to get my FMLA and Short Term Disability extended or risk losing my job, insurance, etc.

 

My strategy is going to be to make my appointment tomorrow, pay my up front costs, and then make a new appointment with the sleep specialist to get in his face about the FMLA and Short Term Disability.  I will be nice, but someone has to help me here.  I have no life right now, and I can't be tied up with a sleep disorder.  If necessary, I will tap into my newly found estrogen-fueled aggression to get things done. LOL.  I am optimistic this will work out.

 

I really want to mention how this forum has been a source of encouragement for me over the last few weeks.  I read a lot more posts than those to which I reply.  It is nice to be a part of this community.  It is just knowing I am not a freak in this world, and seeing others not only sharing the same feelings and aspirations, but encouraging each other that just feels so nice.  Thanks everyone for your well-wishes and prayers.

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Michelle thank you for the update.  I know how debilitating it can be when you can't get the rest you need.  I hope the sleep study finds the answers for you and you will be on the road to restful nights soon.

 

Hugs, 

Jani

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I am not really good at this sort of thing.  I don't share my darkest moments readily.

 

So, I got paid and scheduled my sleep study, finally.  It cost me a little less than I was originally told.  Cool. Right?  Friday, I got a call from the third-party company handling my short term disability and FMLA for the company by which I am employed.   They said they'd put pressure on the Dr. to approve my paperwork and put me in a pending status, so I would be okay.

 

I called as soon as I got an opportunity to schedule an appointment with my Sleep Specialist.  I was told they aren't seeing anyone for the next couple of weeks and they were cancelling appointments, due to COVID-19.  I feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world.  I might lose my job over this.

 

Emotionally, I am at the bottom.  I am feeling a bit hopeless tonight.

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Well you probably saw this coming given all the news of late but hold on they will schedule you soon enough.  Have you spoken with your employer recently?  A lot has changed so you may not be in dire straights as think.   

 

Hugs, Jani

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12 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Emotionally, I am at the bottom.  I am feeling a bit hopeless tonight

I’m so sorry to hear this. Keep your head up, hon.  As Jani pointed out, many employers are relaxing policies and deadlines a bit during this national crisis. Hopefully, your employer is one of those that is helping.  I know how disappointing this can be when it’s completely out of your control.

 

Take Care,

Susan R?

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  • 1 month later...

I haven't posted here in awhile.  I have an old depression habit of not revealing my struggles to others.  Maybe something of a self-esteem habit of not feeling my issues are significant enough to talk about.  I tend to not want to bring others down, and wonder why anyone would be interested in my personal frustrations and tragedies.

 

Honestly, it has been a roller coaster ride.  First i have FMLA and short term disability and then i don't.  I have had very difficult times getting through to doctors and what should have taken maybe a month and half to get right is going on probably another month.  I finally have a sleep study date in late-mid May.  My FMLA is about to reach its limit.  My short term disability is only going to last a few days more until i have to pester someone to extend it yet again.  At least i have a test date.

 

I did discover i have a talent i could use to possibly start a side business.  I have started making table-top terrain for like D&D players, Warhammer 40k players, and the table-top miniature war gamer community.  I think i have some innovative ideas on how to make things modular, so one piece isn't just a one time use thing.  I used a small portion of my stimulus money to buy a few tools i would need for mass production.  I have made some initial pieces which look, in my opinion, rather high quality compared to what i am seeing online.  So, i hope some gamers will be interested in buying some of my stuff.

 

Over the last two weeks the exhaustion has been increasing.  All i want to do is sleep.  When i am awake it seems like the smallest things are super exhausting and take more energy than i have.  Even writing this is just tiring.  Normally, I am pretty good at managing my depression, but exhaustion seems to make it much worse, or me far less capable of dealing with it, or both.  Today, I just feel like going to bed and staying there indefinitely.  I just feel like giving up.  I have no interest in anything except sleep.  I am just exhausted of all of this.  I am tired of staying home.  I am tired of trying to save my job.  I am tired of trying to make sure my income is secure.  I am burnt out on all my normal interests.  I just feel drained.  I am not suicidal, but would be happy if it were just to all end tonight.  Without IRL friends to speak of, i have no one locally to turn to.  (ironic how warm and friendly i can be people, manage to always keep them at minimum arms distance away.)  Feels like I have crawled almost to the top of a mountain and lack that final push to reach the top.

 

I don't even know why i am sharing this.  I don't even care if someone tries to say something encouraging.  I don't think it will come close to making me feel the least bit less exhausted, dried up, and burnt out.  I just maybe feel like i need to talk about it to someone.  I slept 9 hours last night, and it isn't near enough.  i am going back to bed.

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