The Emergence of Michelle_Kitten

[Kirsten]

I have very similar issues with activities. I feel like a 27yr old girl in a 40yr old half gender body. I don’t have issues with older, but I live very young. 

I am very similar with my talking as well. I work with the public almost every day. Most days I meet 1-2 people that I end up working with for 6-8 hours. And I make plenty of great connections this way. But I can’t seem to make any new friends that are into what I am into. Or that want to hang out. It’s all just niceties. Idk sometimes I just think I’m broken and am a lost cause. Heck even my wife doesn’t want to be around me. 

Online it’s the same thing. Plenty of friends that I talk to almost daily. But nowhere near me. And ones that are close by don’t seem interested in hanging out. 

Transition has been one of the most lonely times in my life. 

[Charlize]

I would imagine that there are more trans groups in Atlanta than the one you mentioned.  The groups in this area have a space where a person can change before a meeting.  I can certainly understand not wanting to use mass transit when first venturing out.  I don't know the resources available there but perhaps it would be worth looking at the resources found in the site sign in page.  

I'm glad you posted here.  Hopefully you know your not alone.  Many of us here, including myself, had difficulty finding a group of friends where we could live openly.  

PS  You look quite good in your picture.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

17 hours ago, Kirsten said:

I have very similar issues with activities. I feel like a 27yr old girl in a 40yr old half gender body. I don’t have issues with older, but I live very young. 

I am very similar with my talking as well. I work with the public almost every day. Most days I meet 1-2 people that I end up working with for 6-8 hours. And I make plenty of great connections this way. But I can’t seem to make any new friends that are into what I am into. Or that want to hang out. It’s all just niceties. Idk sometimes I just think I’m broken and am a lost cause. Heck even my wife doesn’t want to be around me. 

Online it’s the same thing. Plenty of friends that I talk to almost daily. But nowhere near me. And ones that are close by don’t seem interested in hanging out. 

Transition has been one of the most lonely times in my life. 

 

It does seem a bit that way with me too! My partner has her own life somewhat and does not easily cope with more fluid situations. She is not so much into my shorter skirts either, but I have noticed that, more often these days, she makes comparisons and similarities with the way she dresses, with guidance as to how she sorts things.

 

Friends are a bit complex as I have a female partner. I have found with time though that reasonably close female friendships are not too much. I think she has more worries with male ones, as do I.  No, no-one I have found is into my main hobby (electronics), but I have found my more general one (art) is far better for friendships. I also think there is a little fear of rejection, but then I think most people may think that when stepping into the unknown anyway. Sometimes I think of a masculine saying: 'Faint heart never won fair maiden' or even more often a femininisation of a saying taken from the SAS - 'She who dares!' lol.

 

Yes I do think that transition can mean a lonlier life, but so can getting older too. People are not thrown together the same as in school or college. Maybe we need to think about that and see ways to re-create. No you are not a lost cause Kirsten. You are yet another lonely person wandering through life. It happens naturally, and trans issues only add another layer of complexity.

 

I am sorry if this seemed a bit like hijacking your thread Michelle, but I hope my reply has some help for you too. It is difficult when not living in the same area to advise directly, but steady progress will get you there. build things again.

 

Tracy

[michelle_kitten]

Thanks for responding.   It is nice to know I am not alone.  

 

Tracy, you can hijack my thread any time, as long as I get to hijack it back when you are done. LOL.

 

Feeling better today, but then it was a workday.  I had plenty of pleasant, if not superficial, interaction with customer's today.  Not to brag, but I do care about my customers and they know it, and most interactions are very warm and friendly over the course of the conversation.  I also get results, which helps.

 

Kirsten, there is nothing wrong with you.  It is proven that it is harder to make friends as you age.  I am 55 and feel 30, and like you find it hard to connect with people with similar interests or world-views.  If you weren't way up north, I'd totally pal around with you. ❤️

 

Jan, you can thank Snapchat filter for my picture.  It far from what I really look like right now, but it gives me hope.  It gives me something to strive for, and before I could take that picture I could hardly imagine what I would or could look like as a girl.  Thanks, dear. ❤️

 

I was volunteering at a local thrift store on Saturday mornings for awhile, but it was all about the products and not about people.  After I got back to working with customer's at work I quit volunteering.

 

I've been to a number of local churches.  All of them seemed as plastic as a Ken doll.  None of them have had any real warmth.  The last one I visited, I tried to meet the pastor after service, and he managed to avoid me like the plague (don't know why).  Most of the churches here are either huge mega-churches where Atlanta police get out and direct traffic on Sunday morning,  or the churches are tiny little things where the pews are filled with the 65+ crowd.  Not that I have anything against older folks, but I would like a mix of ages and just people.  So, I am kinda frustrated with the church thing.

 

There is a guy I know at work who hosts an independent radio program locally playing Jazz music.  He goes out a lot to different places to enjoy Jazz and other music.  I am thinking about seeing if we can meet up some where with his gf.  He already knows about me and my journey, and he's good with it.  That might be fun, and I love bluegrass, which he goes and sees from time to time.  That's better than sitting around my room playing computer games.

[michelle_kitten]

Update time.

 

I've been here periodically, but haven't posted.  I haven't felt I've had anything to contribute to the discussions I've looked at.  Honestly, I've been a bit tired of late.  Work has been challenging, which is good and bad.  I like the challenge.  I like solving tough problems.  It wears me out.  I haven't been on here as much as I'd like.

 

HRT is continuing.  I am two months in.  Changes?  Not many.  There may be a little fat distribution.  My butt seems a little thicker than before.  I definitely have been experiencing some emotional subtleties I did not previously have.  I am not sure that's the hormones at this point, or just being more open to emotional experiences.  Watching the Greatest Showman, I did gush a little when he made up with his wife.  That's not something I would have done in the past.  Feeling freer to be me?  Or, feeling freer and the hormones?  IDK.

 

My face has changed a little and actually cleansing and moisturizing has garnered compliments from my oldest daughter.  That made me feel good.  I think the hormones are starting to dry my skin a bit.  Since my 'first' puberty, my skin has been very oily.  This is such a  nice break from that.

 

I am taking a drug to help me re-grow hair.  One of my biggest fears is depending on wigs going forward.  I've been praying for hair growth so I can at least mostly use my own hair.  Tonight, I am sure there is a thick new layer of fine hair growing in on top of my head.  This is one of two events which has convinced me a transition I can be happy with is possible.  My little fuzz is so nice to see!!!!

 

The second event is I've discovered I can reach female pitch ranges with my voice.  Yay!  My male voice is quite deep, and even somewhat appealing to cis women attracted to masculine men.  I was worried I would end up as one of these trans women who pass visually, but as soon as they open their mouth there is no doubt they are trans.  That isn't acceptable to me.  I don't knock it in others, but I want to pass as much as possible.

 

It is going to take a great deal of work to get where I want to be.  I've been trying to raise my pitch range on my voice a bit everyday.  It is slow going, but  I think it is doable.  It tends to vary with the intensity of my allergies on any given day, and the resulting congestion.

 

So, initially, the hormones have been a test.  Can I handle second puberty?  Is this going to help me feel more like myself or just cloud the issues or make things more complex?  I contacted my doctor today to refill my prescriptions.

 

So, that's what is happening with me.

 

 

 

 

[Jani]

Hi Michelle! 

Just now, michelle_kitten said:

I haven't been on here as much as I'd like.

You don't have to write a paragraph, just a quick hi will do!  

 

Just now, michelle_kitten said:

HRT is continuing.  I am two months in.  Changes?  Not many. 

And then you go on to list the changes!  Sounds like things are working according to plan.  It does take a while to ramp up. I remember the emotional part hitting soon after starting HRT.  All good.

 

Thats great news about your hair.  I'm sure you're ecstatic.

 

As to your voice the hormones won't affect the vocal chords but I do think we may try harder and are less embarrassed to do so once we get under way since its an important aspect of presentation.  So this is great news too!  I also found that congestion really screws up my voice but if I focus on inflection and cadence the tone doesn't seem to matter much in real life.  It seems is mostly my family that have know me forever that mention my voice now (but less and less).  There are lots of women with "dark" voices. 

 

Yes this transition is a tough road but it has its rewards as you have noted.  I'm note sure the estrogen clouds the issue, rather it seems (to me) that it brought clarity to it.  I think you'll find that too as you progress.  

 

Thanks for the update.  I look forward to hearing from you more often.

 

Cheers, Jani 

[michelle_kitten]

I am less than a month away from the earliest day I set to make my commitment to fully transition or not.  My biggest frustration at the moment, and largest source of dysphoria, is my voice.  It is deep and little nasally in my opinion.  Like most people, what I hear when I speak is not what others hear.  I've always hated the sound of my own voice played back from a recording.  In my head I sound much more feminine than I do in real life, and when I raise my voice to feminine pitch it sounds unnatural and phony to me.  I haven't been brave enough to record it, in fear I will be disappointed.

 

To make all this worse, I am a natural impressionist.  I can slip straight into an Irish broge, or a thick Russian accent mid sentence.  I don't know how I do it.  I just do.  It is a basically worthless gift, except for entertaining friends and family.  Singing, is something I can't do.  My eldest daughter is naturally talented in music.  Once a pastor asked me if I was afraid of singing in public.  I said, "Not, at all, but everyone else is."  I've often said the only place I sing is at church, because God gave me this voice, He has to listen to it.  (Total joke.  Someone always has to give me some lecture about making a joyful noise when I tell that joke.)  Unfortunately, my talent doesn't seem to extend well to the upper pitches.

 

To me sounding masculine is not an option.  While my voice has its limits, my hearing is acute and part of what I enjoy most about my cis sisters is their voices.  Were I to have my choice I'd sound like Betty Boop or something more like Carol Channing over Cher or Rosey.  I know that's impossible, and I know it is a bit ridiculous, but I like the higher pitches.

 

People keep telling me I don't have to sound feminine, and I know I don't have to.  For me, though I have to.  I like to do things well, and I would love to be able to pass.  Socially, I want to be treated as fully woman.  Maybe that's unrealistic, but if I transition I will work hard to do what I can.  It isn't like me to do things poorly.

 

Lately, I've wanted to start calling people 'dear,' and to a lesser extent 'hun.'  Don't know where that came from, but it is this impulse I have, and am fighting to suppress.  Strange how our minds start doing stuff like that.

 

I've been able to pick up a rather feminine walk fairly easily.  That's a bonus.

 

The way I feel toward cis men is changing as well.  I can't explain it, but it is like I am starting to actually be something different than they are in my mind, and I look at some of their behavior as male behavior, and a way I don't want to behave.  It isn't like I have some sort of dislike for the behavior.  It is more like I am seeing it from the outside and it is no longer something I would naturally do (if I ever did in the past).  I hope that makes sense?

 

I think it might be the hormones, but my patience for incompetence is low right now.  I am probably going to get a talking to, because I subtly told one of our engineers he was an idiot and how to solve a problem today.  He was assuming all the servers doing different parts of a task were time synchronized perfectly, and that the start time of a task started on one server should be equal to the end time of the task on another server.  Then he's challenging my assertions there was a problem.  It took me like 30 seconds to figure out why the times weren't jiving and then 10 minutes  to write comments in a case to explain it to him.  This is after I told him how to get to the root cause of the issue in the original case notes.  I expect my customers to be far less than tech savvy, but an engineer who gets paid way more than I do should be able to think things through. Sigh.

 

I've written several local churches messages online to see if they are trans-friendly.  So far, no response.  I am not all that excited about attending church anyway.  I do need the rl social interaction.  I guess I am amused they don't even write back.  LOL.  I kinda like afflicting the comfortable sometimes.  I bet I stirred up their mornings with my messages.  I have joined MeetUp and am trying to find some local geeky gatherings to attend.  Most geeks are okay with LGBT people in my experience, especially fellow geeky one's.  I will feel somewhat more comfortable going to an event with geeky people.

 

I had to stop watching Mind Hunter on Netflix recently.  So, the Walking Dead and Game of Thrones had me until about the second or third seasons and I couldn't watch anymore.  They were too dark for me, even with my dysphoria in full suppression.  When Carl shot his Mom in the head, and when Prince Oberron died were my last episodes.  I used to watch Criminal Minds all the time, and Mind Hunter isn't that much different in content.  It may even be a bit lighter on the gore.  My emotional reactions were stronger.  Don't get me wrong, I love the show, as I did the other two.  I just can't do all the ugliness and darkness.  I am at least taking a break from Mind Hunter.  I may try again in a week or so, and do like one episode and see how I feel.  Maybe watching three of four episodes at a time was a bit much.  I want to see the rest of the story.  Something about shows with Anna Torv I find cool.  I am not particularly impressed with Anna, but she picks good stuff to be in.  Fringe was one of my favorites.   I watched all 100 episodes.  I think it would be fun to go back and watch them again.  It has been a few years.

 

Thanks all for reading.  I don't know if this is enlightening for anyone or just me venting and babbling.  Nice to be able to just run my mouth, so to speak.  I feel like at least some of you can relate.  Love ya' all!  Bye

 

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Michelle, Just keep on writing. It's interesting to read about experiences which many of us will relate well to. I remember lots of times at work where it was often quicker and easier to sort something out rather than trust to someone else, although more responsible, seemed totally incapable. I often found though that with the pressure of things, if I needed help with something, I ended up without it as people shied away. The product of cutbacks

 

I am not sure how I sound at the moment. I get your feeling, but it does become less of an issue. My partner gets irritated when I talk in my queaky voice as she calls it. It's only practice but it does not help with no support with it. She does not just single me out for it though. She gets irritated by others too!  I find it useful to answer the telephone in a soft voice as see how the person on the other end answers, and whether my partner notices, particularly when the person at the other end recognises me as female and my partner does not react either - a win lol.

 

As for calling people 'dear',  I have used that term quite a bit in the past pretty inapropriatly with both men and women. I think it was a sign of affection (as it is anyway) but with a woman it can seem a bit close and with a man - well rather risky lol. Not something to supress as such but careful with I suppose. I like it, especially being close enough to use it.

 

Take care

 

Tracy

[Jani]

Michelle, please keep writing as it does seem to soothe the soul.  As to churches in your location, I don't know.  I can imagine the vast majority are aligned with an ideal that isn't ideal for us.  Connecting with others thought Meetup is good.  I've done a few; hiking and art gallery tours.  I found them to be fun. 

 

As to your voice, you can change but its not an easy thing to do quickly.  It takes training and practice.  I'm sure you've noticed that women speak differently than mean.  They are more emotive rather than monotone.  The tempo and level of volume can change in mid sentence.  They look at each other eye to eye when speaking.  I'm not perfect and after years of inhaled medication for my COPD, etc. my voice will never be able to hit high notes.  But I get along well.  I'm sure you will too.

 

Jani 

[michelle_kitten]

I do practice speaking in higher pitch.  I know the hertz range I need to hit and have an app on my phone I use while practicing.  I am hoping to be able to recognize and hit the right pitch without thinking about it eventually.  I have little volume and control right now.  I need someplace a little more private to practice, however.  My roommate is touchy about some sounds and easily irritated.  The voice is a muscle which can be trained.  Otherwise Mariah Carey couldn't drive down the street and open people's automatic garage doors with her voice.  I am pretty confident it will come, but I am more aware of how terrible I sound right now, and I hate it.

 

 l am in a weird place with my presentation.  I don't want to present as female and I do.  I desperately want to start wearing the clothes I want and just being me.  At the same time, I think it will look terrible.  I feel like I will look like a mangy bear in a tutu.  That's not how I want to look, or be treated.  I cringe every time someone addresses me as "Sir" around here, and living in the south it is pretty much every where I go.  Then there are those people who tell me, "You're the man!" when they are excited about something I do or tell them.  If they only knew I wasn't the "man" at all, but something else.  I guess for now, being treated as man is something I am kinda used to, and I can tolerate it for awhile longer.

 

Thanks for the sweet responses, ladies.  Love y'all.  Bye.

[Jani]

So don't wear a tutu!  Look around Michelle and you'll see that most women wear reasonable clothes.  Yes we all wish for times we missed but we can't turn back time.  So try by blending in and being part of the life you want.  Start by adding items to your wardrobe that are timeless and easy to care for. 

 

Jani

[michelle_kitten]

Thanks Jani.  Great advice.  My bear in a tutu is a little bit of an exaggeration. I don't look the least feminine yet.  I don't like the idea of breast forms.  They seem phony to me.  I am growing my hair long in back, and while it is starting to come back in the front due to medication, it is still very obvious I am bald.  My makeup skills are weak.  Eyeliner and I don't work well together because I have hideously hooded eyes.

 

That is not to say, I am not working on these things.  I practice my voice. (I can regularly hit 190 to about 270 hertz, which is a B3 to a C4, but it is hard on my voice right now.   I have to practice in short spurts and drink water afterward.)  I am working on my insides, opening myself up to my new emotional experiences, and just exploring.  That day is coming, but I want to be more ready.  Yes, it sucks, and I want it all to hurry up.  I know that's not going to happen overnight.  I've survived this long.  I can make it through to where I want to be, and I think there will come a time when I can just let go.

 

There are four stages of competence.  Ignorant incompetence is when you don't know that you are incompetent.  Knowing incompetence is when you know how much you don't know.  Knowing competence is when you start to know what you should.  Ignorant incompetence is when you are so competent you don't know how you are competent, you just are.  It's like trying to tell someone how you tie your shoes.  You do it so automatically you don't even think about it really.  I think I am somewhere in the knowing incompetence state.  I've learned a lot, but know there is a great deal more work to do.  I know where I want to be when I start presenting as girl, and it is far from where I want to be a long time from now, but further than I am now.  I think I am being pretty realistic.  I think this is a necessary step.

 

So, right now, everything is a balancing act.  I have a couple of friends I can be more myself with.  I am dressing as myself at home with a few outfits.  I have a little green sleeveless dress that is very light weight which has been my go to this summer because it is nice and cool.  My socks and underwear are what I want to wear daily.  I have a bag that is pretty much my purse, though not obviously so.  I wear earrings which are obviously feminine all the time.  Most people don't seem to notice, but I do.  I have a number of little flower and heart studs I love wearing.

 

Don't misunderstand.  I am not complaining really. I've waited a lifetime for this and it is finally happening.  I'd feel guilty complaining.  Just hoping others can relate, and sharing how I am feeling.

[Jani]

I don't read this as complaining.  Its fair that you have waited for something you've long desired and now is your time.   It's ok to be happy, to be you. 

 

Cheers,
Jani 

[michelle_kitten]

So, yesterday, I got up the  nerve to go play some Dungeons and Dragons at a local game store.  I actually signed up for a waiting list and happened to get a seat at the table.  Someone gave me a character.  The DM was rather stereotypical, middle-aged, New Jersey Italian.  He was kind of abrupt in someways typical of people from that area.  He wasn't rude or obnoxious, just kind of lacking in grace.  I wore my bag, and I have both my trangender pride button and my asexual pride rainbow pin displayed on it.  I am not sure he knew what those meant.  I sat at a table full of guys and I don't think any of them had any idea of my buttons.  The DM seemed a little uncomfortable with me.  He didn't say anything, but gave me a couple of interesting looks.  I am not offended in the least.

 

The quality of game was okay.  I couldn't get real into it.  I just played for the interaction.

 

The place I went was really cool.  It is a game store and they have tons of tables to play at.  Each table has a number hanging over it.  The tables are free to use, and you can just walk in and start a game, as long as the table is not reserved.  They have a kitchen at the back where they make all sorts of burgers and snacks fresh and deliver them to your table.  They have painting booths setup to paint miniatures.  I was really impressed.

 

So, I am thinking about starting my own game there.  I like more immersive role play than what was happening there at that particular table.

 

It was, at least, a good step at getting out more.

[Jani]

Well I have never done that but it seems like you had fun.  Great!!  Yes getting out is good.  

 

Jani

[michelle_kitten]

How things have changed since I was young.

 

 Recently, a couple of my Youtube favorites were talking to each other on a stream.  Both of them are younger transwomen, and both of them are sensible and I enjoy their vids.  One of them, however, commented they thought older men who transition to women are fetishists and not true transgender individuals.  They criticized, for a moment, the fact that many older married transwomen stay married to their cis wives, and suggested that none of the older transwomen were ever attracted to men like the younger transgender women were.

 

My first reaction was, "Ouch!"  That hurt a bit.  Not because it is true.  I am Asexual and not really attracted to anyone, nor am I a fetishist in anyway.  I am certainly not considering transition due to some fetish.  "Wow," I thought.  Is that really what these young ladies would think of me if we were to ever meet in person.

 

Then I began to remember what it was like when I was a kid.  I grew up in Southern California, but also spent a about three years in rural Utah.  Boys with feminine tendencies were socially intolerable.  If you were a 'wuss'  you got beat up, and constantly ridiculed.  Kids were merciless in that regard.  Rejection and violence was at least overlooked by adults if not supported outright, when it came to a '-awesome person-' or 'queer,' which were the catch all terms for anyone effeminate whether gay or just a little girly.  Boys were expected to be boys and prove it by jumping bicycles over ditches and fighting.  It was an environment where a gender dysphoric young fellow not only hid his dysphoria, but went out of his way to prove he was as tough as all the other boys or more so.  Nothing was socially worse than being called a queer or a wuss.  Not even girls respected a pansy.

 

Adults had concerns if you weren't exactly boyish.  If you drew flowers and kittens rather than guns and planes you teachers would talk to your parents as if you were some disturbed potential mass murderer.  The very thing which these days could get you expelled from school was normal back then - ie. drawing guns, and tanks and weapons, and war scenes.  Most males were quick to mock a boy who did not measure up to his manly ideals, who was scared or just didn't want to have to prove what a 'man' he was.  So, scenarios were concocted to test boys and pit them against each other.  Those boys who passed the tests the best were praised and those who did not were ridiculed and humiliated.

 

When this is your first understanding of genders, the fear of being seen as a sissy runs deep.  It is, unless you step back and look at it with a critical eye, easy for this to become your paradigm.  Fear that ingrained in you at  an early age is hard to overcome.  Even harder to overcome when there is no example of an alternative within  you awareness.  We didn't know what transgender was.  We didn't know what transvestite was.  There was no such thing as hormones or SRS in our worlds.  The people who transitioned were not talked about or shown in the news for most children.  Gay men, if we were aware of them, were creepy, sweaty, old men, and the only drag most of the kids I knew were aware of was Bug Bunny.

 

Being gender dysphoric in such an environment was all about hiding it and suppressing it.  Hiding and suppressing your gender dysphoria was a social survival skill.  It spared you beatings.  It spared you humiliation and ridicule.  Hiding  your femininity meant a chance at social acceptance and having friends.  Suppression was a chance at a peaceful home life, as parent were often as hard on a dysphoric child as anyone else, because no one wanted to be embarrassed by their child.  Being exposed ended in misery, and either being committed to a mental hospital or ending up dead at your own hand.

 

As you get older, it becomes easier to hide your feelings, and to play the role.  I did that sufficiently to fool most people.  I never like locker room talk, sports, cars, or so many other 'guy' things, but I found ways to relate.  I like fishing.  I am not a hunter.  I like shooting guns.  I like computers.  I like swords and armor and things like that, but I've never been comfortable associating with average men.  I don't drink beer.  I don't like carousing or cussing, or so many classically male things.  I got by.  I kept my mouth shut a lot.  I tried to fit in.  I played the role. I developed habits and turned off a lot of my emotions and hid who I really was.

 

If you want to know why older men decide to transition?  Well, if they are anything like me it took this long to decide, "Damn it! I am not going to be afraid anymore!"  It isn't easy.  Sometimes I look at what I've done so far, and start to get scared.  I have to stop my self, and remind myself that I have resolved not to be afraid anymore. 

 

Over the years, I have learned to suppress my feminine habits and present as male, and I have had a lot of them to suppress over the years.  I've learned to hide the emotion in my voice, control my hand gestures, walk with my rear end tucked in, lean back in chairs, man-spread, and grunt rather than speak.  It is taking time to let my walls down, now, and it I have to make an effort to remember, and let myself be me.

 

Times have changed.  In some way, I am glad they have changed.  There are trans people to relate to and transition is a thing for people like me, not just rich nut cases who the public watches with morbid fascination and dread.  More than anything I finally feel like I can change and I need to change.

 

Okay, I feel better now.

 

I would like to know how many of my sister who transitioned late in life can relate?

[ToniTone]

I can totally relate. For me, it was also a lack of exposure and resources. I didn't know about transitioning. I thought it was just a cosmetic surgery, or as some transphobes refer to it, a mutilation (a slur I loathe). Over 20 years ago, we didn't really have an internet to freely research these things. So the opportunity to transition didn't really manifest to me when I was younger. 

 

I wish I could have transitioned when I was younger, before my developing was done. For that matter I wish I was born a cis female. I envy cis women and young trans women. 

 

But I also am enjoying what I'm doing with my life now in this time we live in. I love the trans woman that I am. Nobody can tell us we're not valid. 

 

~Toni

[Robin]

Hi Michelle,

 

I too can relate to your experiences, and have spent most of my life trying to regulate my emotions and behaviour in order to be acceptable.

 

It is not unusual for young people to think that their generation knows everything, and that older people are out of touch with the modern world.  This applies to everything, not just gender issues.

 

Robin.

[Jani]

10 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Both of them are younger transwomen, and both of them are sensible and I enjoy their vids.  One of them, however, commented they thought older men who transition to women are fetishists and not true transgender individuals.  They criticized, for a moment, the fact that many older married transwomen stay married to their cis wives, and suggested that none of the older transwomen were ever attracted to men like the younger transgender women were.

That seems to be an issue with very young persons (in general), they seem to know everything!  That a woman isn't attracted to men?  How to they explain lesbians?   I certainly am not attracted to men and if I wasn't married I still would not be attracted to men.  

 

And there is Mary's comment from another post today.

Just now, MaryMary said:

people are use to certain things and changing will give them a shock sometimes. Also I realized with time that people develop "myths" about others. They develop an unrealistic image of others that isn't based on reality but on what they want to see.

 

As to deciding to transition later in life, yes some of it is due to getting over the fear but maybe some of it is being able  to transition.  It is easier and less socially taboo now than it was when we were younger (60's and 70's for me).

 

I'm glad you wrote and do feel better now! 

Jani

 

 

 

[michelle_kitten]

Ow! My breasts  are sore.  Especially the right one.

[Jani]

Oh yeah, they're going to do that ping pong thing for a bit.   Take a OTC pain med like acetametaphin.  It worked for me. 

[michelle_kitten]

SInce beginning hormones, my emotions are much stronger, diverse, nuanced, and varied.  I've been enjoying moments of romance on television shows and stories much more than I have ever in the past.  I got excited and giddy when a girl reacting to hearing Tom Jones music for the first time was obviously thinking Tom was attractive.  Never would I have expected that, but I can't help myself.  I myself don't find anything particularly appealing  about the singer Tom Jones from the 60's and 70's though he has a strong voice.

 

I've also been watching this other youtuber who does a lot of traveling here in the U.S. and stops at all sorts of road-side attractions, amusement parks, and just about anything touristy or interesting.  I like doing that myself.  The last week or so, I've started regarding him as rather cute.  He has a certain child-like sense of humor I find appealing as it is harmless, and fun.  This morning, I watched as he got a little sentimental and choked up about one of his stops, and that was it for me.  I am crushing on him a little, and it is weird.  Even a year ago, if you told me I'd be crushing on a guy, I would have told you "NEVER!"  What's in these hormones?  I wonder if that's been in me all along and was so walled in, it would never have come out.

 

This doesn't mean I am no longer Ace.  It just means for the first time, I'm actually finding a guy somewhat attractive.

[Ellora]

On 9/16/2019 at 8:26 PM, michelle_kitten said:

Ow! My breasts  are sore.  Especially the right one.

Owie! I haven’t had that problem yet. Mine get sore, but haven’t actually hurt hurt yet. I asked my doctor about that, and she said some people don’t experience the pain, some just sore. I don’t mind not getting the pain, especially since the twins can throw an elbow every now and then ? 

[michelle_kitten]

@Ellora,  The other day I got in an Uber and traffic made a slightly hard brake necessary.  My body weight shifted into the seat belt strap, and I gave out a little yipe.  It was like someone pushing on a deep sore bruise.  Be glad you're not getting that sore.

[Ellora]

Just now, michelle_kitten said:

It was like someone pushing on a deep sore bruise.

Ouch! I guess I should be grateful It is not painful. Massaging the sore areas usually help me. I’ve been massaging the area for a while before I started HRT, and try to do it daily.