Fallout: Seeking advice on how to deal with it

[LeeAnderson9X]

Hi, my name's Lee. I'd like to share my coming out story...and what happened afterwards.

I started having doubts--or think about--my gender early in the summer and I talked it over with my girlfriend who was having similar doubts and we came to different conclusions. Me, that I didn't feel fully male, and her that she was just confused. Then, in December, after a long period of depression, the same thoughts started coming back to me, and after discovering a friend of mine was non-binary I thought I was non-binary, too. I told my girlfriend immediately and we started experimenting with pronouns and we came up with the name Lee. At first I considered myself agender, genderqueer or even fluid, but little by little I began to realize I actually felt...feminine. At first my girlfriend remained supportive, only later telling me she was having doubts. But we stayed together until I came out to my parents on 3/17/19.

Which was...a disaster.

I did it on impulse, writing them a letter after having received renewed support from my girlfriend even if she had grown distant and somewhat cold in the previous days. And after I gave it to them, at first they seemed shocked but ready to work on accepting me...and then they started railing on me out of hurt. The next day my girlfriend offered me to come to her house for comfort and we ended up arguing as we had been doing on WhatsApp for the past week or two. She asked for a week of distance, and went on a school vacation to Greece the next day. The day of the 10th recurrence of our first date, which we'd decided to set as a date for anniversaries. A week later, 3/25/19, she broke with me because she couldn't handle the stress I was feeling about the situation coupled with her own, and asked me not to speak, call or message her for a month.

I did just that and ended up crying nearly every day. My parents only kept saying (as they do to this day) two things: "I told you so" and "She can't love you as Lee if she fell in love with you as (deadname)". I soldiered through half of April. I met new people, broke off other relations, and so on. Then, out of the blu, on 4/18/19, a week earlier than what we'd promised, she texted me. My mind blew. We fought and flirted and sexted and all around effed about until we met two days later at her house on a whim and we effed again--or tried to. She said she "Loved (deadname)".

We broke down in tears and we fought again. We spent hours arguing until we seemingly came up with the solution of starting from scratch to see if she could 'fall in love with Lee too'.

And so we tried. On 4/25 we went to a museum and then afterwards to my house and made love. We kept writing each other affectionate letters every evening throughout. But she grew distant again and, Yesterday 5/1/19, she grew angry at me out of the blue after we lost each other in the crowd at a concert we'd gone to with a couple of friends. I followed her to the subway hoping to find some answers and she told me she just couldn't do it. Her feelings were confused and mixed and she didn't love me anymore but only felt physical attraction and affection, while I was still in love with her. So she broke with me...for, like, the fourth time.

That was Yesterday.

I still can't believe it.

I don't know what to do right now, how to deal with the pain. We struck a deal to meet on Sunday so that she could clarify when and how she'd stopped to love me and try to sort out our lives without too much damage. I cried I don't know how many times today, because I still can't believe it. I can't still find a reason for why she'd stop loving me. Too much stress, yes, but…she'd remained loving right before that fight on 3/18. She's the first person I came out to. The first person to accept and support me. But now...

Yeah, that's the question right there.

What now?

[VickySGV]

My personal thought on this is what I thought for my own daughter (cis) and a relation she had, and that is that it is time to simply separate, take time to grieve the relationship and move on.  Your friend is evidently having a battle with GD of their own and  they will fight with you to avoid fighting themself which they need to do.  Your next step is to find a Behavioral Therapist who has experience with Gender Dysphoria and start discussing this with them, and NOT either your parents or this friend for the time being.  The Gender Therapist can also help you with the resolution to your relationship which I would say is over in its current form.  Sad as it is, you and your friend need help, but I can only encourage YOU to get it since they are not a member here.  Your basic story is a common one for people here in the Forums. It is not just good, it is absolutely necessary  for you to take care of yourself and you cannot do that while this friend is in your life.   

[Lexi C]

Hey Lee Vicky advice is always solid. I am going to add one thing. It might be a selfish act on your part to keep this relationship. Maybe you both need to move on and begin your new lifes. Your lucky ( you sound young) you fig it out at a young age and now Lee has a long beautiful life in front of her...Take Vicky advice and keep posting..this place ( transgender Pulse) is wonderful source of support and information

[LeeAnderson9X]

I-I don't know. My friend expressed no further doubts about her gender since this Summer, so I'd ruled out GD...the only times when she railed against her gender were when...well she always had a low self-esteem due to her body image, and often said she'd rather have been born as a men even if she kept considering herself a cis girl.

As for the therapist...well I still live my parents and they are unwilling to let me go to one equipped to deal with GD. They are absolutely against the idea of one.

As for resolving my not-existing-anymore relationship, I don't know where to begin. The problem is as my friend said: I still love her, and she doesn't love me back anymore, and hates herself (in her own words) for not being able to match my feelings. She writes me on WhatsApp punishing herself and asking me to hate her and I don't know how to react because I still can't hate her, I never could. I never managed not to forgive her anything, even this.

I can't just kill my love for her. 

[VickySGV]

As I said above, get yourself to a therapist to give you some good on the ground help.  Who said kill love?  I still love my ex wife and we have not been married for 30 years by  now.  I also cannot live with her nor she me and our love is that of distant family members. We are related through our children who are all adults.   

 

I love myself today though which I could not do back then.  Could that possibly be one of your issues now?  I know what I think, and I know the therapist can help you with that too.  

 

You have no way of knowing or diagnosing your friend's condition, your opinion is void, but it also does not matter if it is or isn't   We are dealing with you, not them.   You cannot work their program at all and need ALL of your strength and concentration for your health and safety.  Also we need to do this one day at a time.  Who knows but you two can get back later (don't bet too much) with two healthy people instead of two quarrelsome needy people. 

[LeeAnderson9X]

Self-love. Yeah, that's always been a problem. I am not feminine in appearance but I'd managed to have some bouts of body euphoria lately...I don't know. Maybe I made my self-love dependant on that of my friend. 

[LeeAnderson9X]

As for the therapist...well I was planning to ask mine if she could help me, this Saturday. She's my family therapist and not actually specialized in GD, but I hote it'll do for the time being.