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Trying to understand


Paris Ward

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At a young age I was taking my sisters clothes and wearing them, dreaming about being a girl. My closest friends were girls I would say. The thought would subside and Id forget about it for years.

When I was a teen, I was dumped by my first girlfriend because I didnt even comprehend her need for sex. I never get aroused making out and I just never made that connection. Even later on it was like when I came to the point of intimacy I would draw a blank cause it wouldnt excite me. So I would always make up some excuse as to why I wasnt getting aroused. I could masturbate usually with no issue. But it was like a curse to please my penis and Id want to forget about it quickly afterwards. 

My wife(25years) has been dealing with my excuses for far too long and this transgender thing has really made her question all of my motives. I even tried so hard to make our relationship work when she threatened to leave me 10 years ago. She has been very supportive of me through this with a thousand and one questions, helping me chose female things to wear. One minute we are talking about a future, the next were shattered and she is crying. My intimacy has been buried for so long its pathetic.

I actually started fantasizing about having a vagina between my legs, instead of a penis.

One night I was watching a porn to try and get aroused for my wife. All I kept thinking was how I wanted so badly to be the female in the video and pleasing the man. I cried for what seemed like hours. Ever since that moment I started to find reasons to not even sleep with her, but it was all subconcious. When I finally did breakdown and come out to her, even though I knew I was hurting her deeply I felt a relief. I was humming and singing to myself.

 

I guess my question would be is does anyone relate to the awkwardness of sex growing up, the horrible lack of intimacy with a spouce(s). The excuses, the avoidance of intimacy.

I am just trying to figure out if Im using the transgender thing as another excuse to avoid intimacy.

Also if anyone knows of a really good gender therapist in Eugene/Portland, Oregon area I'd appreciate any help finding one that is really good.

Thanks for reading,

Paris

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Hi Paris and welcome!  If you're not already working with a gender therapist, I highly recommend it.  Unfortunately, no one can answer these questions for you since avoiding intimacy can stem from a variety of issues.

 

I can very much relate to your disconnect with sex.  For the past several years I've identified myself as asexual and in light of questioning my gender identity, I have wondered if it's part of the gender dysphoria or if it's a separate issue entirely.  I may not know until if/when I transition or I may never know.

 

I wish you all the best on your journey!

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Hey not sure if your started on HRT estrogen yet. But I noticed imimediate lacl of sexual arouse once I start on then..If you have yet start on HRT then now that a major side effect. At Least, in most cases; from what I been told....I know that Eugene has a great Gender Center..They should be able to help you find someone. Good Luck 

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