Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Zoey

Trapped in my Home

Recommended Posts

Zoey

I've been trying to be patient with myself, to push myself a little more everyday, but after being harassed and fired without reason at work last year I have been stuck in this weird place.  I have crippling panic attacks when I try to leave, and when I get too stressed seizures follow, so it's like a nightmarish feedback loop.  My partner is supportive but she can only do so much.  Right now I am just trying to prepare myself for an intake appointment in a week to start therapy again. 

 

It doesn't make very much sense, when I was less passable I was going to work everyday, walking home, confident.  Now, even though I am in much better shape, my hair is long enough to do fun stuff with and I'm halfway though my hair removal appointments I just can't seem to get myself back out there.  The breathing room I have to recover is running out, but I know if I can just get in to this appointment, I'll have the support I need to go forward.  

 

I can usually distract myself until the day before the appointment, but then it's the wild west of anxiety.  It is usually over small things, like a scuff on a shoe or the top I had been planning to wear was missing.  One time it was because of a toe nail, that one cost me a 64 dollar missed appointment fee, fun :(. 

 

Any advice is welcome.

Share this post


Link to post
lauraincolumbia

Hi Zoey,

I can understand the anxiety.  But in your case its crushing.  Its ruining your life.

I hate to give such generic advice, but you need to see a professional.  You might need some medication to deal with the anxiety.   Have you talked to your doctor?

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

A very well used motto that comes up in Recovery programs is "We claim Progress, NOT Perfection" which is often a problem with any Transitioner.  I even have a family member with some pretty heavy Behavioral Health issues that is having to do some serious work along those lines and I do see the struggle going on there, so I know it can be real.  From a wise mind angle though, most people never see imperfections, it takes too much effort for their minds to see that stuff and so they do not see that.  The too perfect though is going to stand out and make them scared and suspicious of things.  For you though, imperfection is what stands out.  Seeing the beauty in imperfection is the antidote to the fear that you feel.  An example from a choral group I am with where we have a dress code for being in public, is that all of use wear one small Trans Pride pin on our "concert black" clothing anywhere, and our goal is that no two of 40 people wear those small "imperfections" in exactly the same exact place.

 

As a practical suggestion though, can you arrange to possibly have a video or telephone chat with your therapist in case you are in a sensory overload situation?  This could save both of you from the down time.  If you are that crippled though by anxiety, is there a chance that you could do some type of in-patient program for one or two weeks where you have actual safety that you can feel and have a clearer mind.  PTSD from something like an unexpected job loss if you have other PTSD issues from the past may be worth the special time an inpatient program would have.  There is no shame in doing that, and lot of help will make you the person you really can be. 

Share this post


Link to post
Zoey

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

 

22 hours ago, VickySGV said:

For you though, imperfection is what stands out.  Seeing the beauty in imperfection is the antidote to the fear that you feel.

 

You are very intuitive :).  There is a lot of truth in that statement, and maybe a change of perspective is exactly what I need.  I've actually been thinking about all the imperfect things about me that I already like, like my teardrop birthmark or the single oddly placed freckle on my nose.

 

22 hours ago, VickySGV said:

PTSD from something like an unexpected job loss if you have other PTSD issues from the past may be worth the special time an inpatient program would have. 

 

There is that, but all of the impatient programs for people at my income level are revolving doors that come with extreme debt, and I have fought for the last five years to work through it with therapy instead and get to the point where I can be as independent as I was before the initial trauma.  I was actually only off therapy for a year because of an insurance issue.  I have an appointment in a week to get that therapy started back up. 

 

Getting there is all I have to do.....

 

 

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   9 Members, 0 Anonymous, 82 Guests (See full list)

    • Ms Maddie
    • Cyndee
    • KymmieL
    • lauraincolumbia
    • Mmindy
    • Kelsey Brooke
    • MaryEllen
    • Shay
    • Ronin82
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      71,634
    • Total Posts
      651,877
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,221
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Adelaide
    Newest Member
    Adelaide
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • KymmieL
      For me I had thought the same thing when I needed to come out I would. When I first came out to my wife. She seemed as it was a joke. Then last Halloween came and I went out as the true me. It so blew up. from two fronts, my wife and youngest son. neither accept it. My wife doesn't understand it. Don't really think she truly wants to. Oh, She will let me transition but we won't be married anymore. I have slowed down. I am on blockers but the VA will not put me on HRT. due to blood clot history.   My middle son and his wife are totally accepting. then there is my oldest. When I came out to him. OH, my god. I have talked to him once since then for about 3 minutes. This was April. I have texted a couple few times. I guess we will see what happens when me and my wife visit him and his family next week.   Don't take my experience as what will happen. Like others have said. I would seek a gender therapist. They can help with all the emotional aspects of being transgender.    Kymmie
    • lauraincolumbia
      Sorry about your day! I hope today is much better!
    • Shay
      yes - some people see what they only want to see...selective vision.   You are doing amazing as is Robin and I am so proud of both of you.
    • Shay
      If you can record wave files then you place them in dropbox (it's free) so we can copy and put into our recording software - add a part and put it in drop box and then you can take the part and add to your recording OR you could record your part and I could help set you up in dropbox and I'd be willingto add parts and mix and send back to you.
    • ElizabethStar
      I told my wife as soon as I was able to fully accept it. A couple weeks later I came out my told my brother then swallowed my pride and told my mother. A few days later I stared HRT. Two and a half months after that (last February) I told my supervisor at work. It was about the same time things were "developing". Thankfully it didn't bother him, and he gave me a hug. The rest of the company just found out a few weeks ago. I have been wearing woman's clothing and presenting as a woman for the last couple of years but as I have come to realize some people can't see what's right in front of them.
    • Michellle
      Great ,thanks Shay. I’ll keep that in mind. All I have to do is learn how to record via Dropbox... lol
    • Shay
      Gosh - the next song I heard tells it - when others give you negative - give them a flower and smile    
    • Sally Stone
      James,   I have identified as bi-gender for a long time.  Born male I enjoyed being so, but there was also a part of me that was female.  I have embraced both the male and female personas sharing my mind, and it has brought me happiness and contentment.  I have no desire to give up one gender for the other, instead, I express both.     Thank goodness things have changed in recent years, but there used to be this unwritten rule that a person had to choose a gender identity.  That is just ludicrous.  We humans are all different and it is absolutely okay to express the gender or genders of your choice.  I say explore your gender identities and express the one or the many that make you feel happy and complete.
    • Shay
      AUGUST 5 - I was thinking this morningthat each of us have our own journey in life and no one can tell you how you should live it and that we all have our struggles but we must embrace our fears and recognize every roadblock is just a short term issue to address to get to the who that you are.....   Secret 'O Life James Taylor   The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time Any fool can do it There ain't nothing to it Nobody knows how we got to The top of the hill But since we're on our way down We might as well enjoy the ride The secret of love is in opening up your heart It's okay to feel afraid But don't let that stand in your way 'Cause anyone knows that love is the only road And since we're only here for a while Might as well show some style Give us a smile Isn't it a lovely ride? Sliding down Gliding down Try not to try too hard It's just a lovely ride Now the thing about time is that time Isn't really real It's just your point of view How does it feel for you Einstein said he could never understand it all Planets spinning through space The smile upon your face Welcome to the human race Some kind of lovely ride I'll be sliding down I'll be gliding down Try not to try too hard It's just a lovely ride Isn't it a lovely ride? See me sliding down Gliding down Try not to try too hard It's just a lovely ride The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time      
    • Shay
      The most difficult thing I had to do (and that was recently) was to come out to friends and my wife. Once I did that I was finally able to move ahead. I am on HRT now, waiting for a new GT and anxious to becoming the woman I've denied all my life.   In regard to the support groups  if you didn't feel comfortable with them - you will need to find another group. At least you are with a support group here that I'm sure you realize TOTALLY SUPPORT you and are here for you always.    Smile - You've come a long way,   Heather Shay
    • RunValRun
      @QuestioningAmber When I first saw the title I thought it was an invitation to the flame wars Since asking to choose between those is akin to asking whether you should use 2 or 4 spaces for indentation - "the war must go on" and no side has clear reason to win (and yes, the battle over tabs is over, they lost) Then I read your post and sighed with a relief 😉   As I am in the midst of transitioning, I am quite invested to know what the future holds, but I guess my only option is to follow the rest of humanity at one-day-at-a-time pace One good thing about IT field is that unless you are in support or other position involved with users' interactions, you only need to be comfortable with your team. Depending on the size of the company, others either don't need to be made aware before you are ready or they will only meet Amber and would not be burdened with prior knowledge. For what its worth, I am looking forward to be a girl on the team - we are definitely lacking in female presentation 🤭  
    • Shay
      Michellle - there are 3 bass players here that are willing to add bass to any tracks you might have need of recording via dropbox.   Heather Shay
    • Robin
      I made the decision to come out to my brother and to a few of my friends very soon after coming to the realisation that I am trans.  This made me feel better as it was then out in the open and "official", rather than just going round and round in my head.   None of the people that I told had anything negative to say about it.  The only problems that I experienced were when I approached two transgender support groups, where, due to my male appearance, I was seen as an "admirer" and turned away.  That severely knocked my self confidence, just as I thought that I had finally found out what was "wrong" with me, and that my life was going to improve.    Robin.
    • ElizabethStar
      This really sounds like some of the things I struggled with. I was questioning and confused for many, many years. I really just needed more time, experimentation and self reflection to be sure.    
    • Michellle
      I agree, some people’s egos hold the whole band back. Me and my brothers always got along playing and recording together. It’s bass players we had issues with. I think they know they are in demand.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...