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Zoey

Trapped in my Home

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Zoey

I've been trying to be patient with myself, to push myself a little more everyday, but after being harassed and fired without reason at work last year I have been stuck in this weird place.  I have crippling panic attacks when I try to leave, and when I get too stressed seizures follow, so it's like a nightmarish feedback loop.  My partner is supportive but she can only do so much.  Right now I am just trying to prepare myself for an intake appointment in a week to start therapy again. 

 

It doesn't make very much sense, when I was less passable I was going to work everyday, walking home, confident.  Now, even though I am in much better shape, my hair is long enough to do fun stuff with and I'm halfway though my hair removal appointments I just can't seem to get myself back out there.  The breathing room I have to recover is running out, but I know if I can just get in to this appointment, I'll have the support I need to go forward.  

 

I can usually distract myself until the day before the appointment, but then it's the wild west of anxiety.  It is usually over small things, like a scuff on a shoe or the top I had been planning to wear was missing.  One time it was because of a toe nail, that one cost me a 64 dollar missed appointment fee, fun :(. 

 

Any advice is welcome.

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lauraincolumbia

Hi Zoey,

I can understand the anxiety.  But in your case its crushing.  Its ruining your life.

I hate to give such generic advice, but you need to see a professional.  You might need some medication to deal with the anxiety.   Have you talked to your doctor?

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VickySGV

A very well used motto that comes up in Recovery programs is "We claim Progress, NOT Perfection" which is often a problem with any Transitioner.  I even have a family member with some pretty heavy Behavioral Health issues that is having to do some serious work along those lines and I do see the struggle going on there, so I know it can be real.  From a wise mind angle though, most people never see imperfections, it takes too much effort for their minds to see that stuff and so they do not see that.  The too perfect though is going to stand out and make them scared and suspicious of things.  For you though, imperfection is what stands out.  Seeing the beauty in imperfection is the antidote to the fear that you feel.  An example from a choral group I am with where we have a dress code for being in public, is that all of use wear one small Trans Pride pin on our "concert black" clothing anywhere, and our goal is that no two of 40 people wear those small "imperfections" in exactly the same exact place.

 

As a practical suggestion though, can you arrange to possibly have a video or telephone chat with your therapist in case you are in a sensory overload situation?  This could save both of you from the down time.  If you are that crippled though by anxiety, is there a chance that you could do some type of in-patient program for one or two weeks where you have actual safety that you can feel and have a clearer mind.  PTSD from something like an unexpected job loss if you have other PTSD issues from the past may be worth the special time an inpatient program would have.  There is no shame in doing that, and lot of help will make you the person you really can be. 

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Zoey

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

 

22 hours ago, VickySGV said:

For you though, imperfection is what stands out.  Seeing the beauty in imperfection is the antidote to the fear that you feel.

 

You are very intuitive :).  There is a lot of truth in that statement, and maybe a change of perspective is exactly what I need.  I've actually been thinking about all the imperfect things about me that I already like, like my teardrop birthmark or the single oddly placed freckle on my nose.

 

22 hours ago, VickySGV said:

PTSD from something like an unexpected job loss if you have other PTSD issues from the past may be worth the special time an inpatient program would have. 

 

There is that, but all of the impatient programs for people at my income level are revolving doors that come with extreme debt, and I have fought for the last five years to work through it with therapy instead and get to the point where I can be as independent as I was before the initial trauma.  I was actually only off therapy for a year because of an insurance issue.  I have an appointment in a week to get that therapy started back up. 

 

Getting there is all I have to do.....

 

 

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