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Hi all, I'm Charlie and I'm non-binary, as far as I can tell. I'm still in the beginning of figuring out my gender identity, but the one thing I know is that I'm certainly not the cis woman I always lived as until recently. I am not uncomfortable with the idea of presenting as a woman, in fact some days I love it. But there are other days when putting a dress on and going out makes me want to tear my skin off. On those days I looked like my brother, I wish my chest was flat and my shoulders were broader.

At the moment, my chest is uncomfortably large. I am a DD or even E depending on the store. I find it incredibly difficult to flatten my chest even a little, and lately I've just given up and worn sports bras almost exclusively. They don't flatten me like a binder does, but there is so much to compress that a binder feels like being suffocated. Not to mention I live in a city where it can get up to 115 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer.

I've been thinking about getting top surgery for a few months, and just scheduled a consultation with a surgeon in my city. I am beyond excited, but also a little nervous. I suppose the thing that makes me so nervous is that I'm still uncertain about a lot of things. I don't know quite what I am, but one thing I do know is how much I hate having breasts, large or not. The very concept of having any size breast on my body makes me uncomfortable to say the least. 

I'm realizing post isn't really a question so much as a big compilation of anxieties. 

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever gone through something similar? And also, what can you do in the meantime? The soonest consultation I could get is in October, so I don't expect to have surgery until well into next year. What can I do to make the waiting less miserable? It feels like now that I know what it is I hate so much, living with it is even more difficult.

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 As a trans woman i have always wanted breasts.  That being said my wife and other cis women i know complain about them and have issues.  Some have had reductions or removals.

 I know that certain parts of my body have disturbed me since childhood.  While this feeling is different in many ways it is similar in others.

 I remember how slowly the time seemed to pass between wanting and then getting surgery.  In my case i also had a setback due to a heart condition.

 Please try to take a deep breath....remember to exhale.  Time will pass and today is beautiful as well.






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Hi Charlie,

Wearing a binder in 115 degree weather can be pretty uncomfortable.  I, too, live in a hot climate and bind.  I find that during the summer my dysphoria is heightened because I’m unable to live comfortably in my clothes OR skin. It compounds.  I identify as nonbinary and would like top surgery so I feel as though I can relate on some level as to what you’re going through.  My breasts can’t hidden;  It’s difficult to try to hide something that simply can’t be hidden so it causes me frustration and sadness.  I daydream about what it would be like to have a flat chest but also I’m a bit overweight so the vain side of me doesn’t want to be flat chested with a belly...at least with breasts my belly is proportionate.  I’m also very “hippy” so even if I took large amounts of T my body would be overtly feminine.  The reality is that my body is a woman and my mind is neutral.  The journey I’m on is a daily struggle and most of the time I take it thought by thought and attempt to slow it down.  I have found that helps not just with my mental health but the dysphoria.


I’ve also found that being able to talk to people who are close to me helps.  I have have a couple colleagues, a single friend, and a wife that I trust impeccably to be able to process these things with.  I also, unapologetically, go to therapy to talk about the things that I can’t with anyone else.  There are simply some things I can’t and won’t be vulnerable about outside of that room.  If it’s not therapy, things like meditation, prayer, or other ways of slowing down and being mindful typically help.  Charlize had it right, take a deep breath and exhale metaphorically and literally!


I hope my words have landed with the intent of peace and kindness in which I have extended them.  It’s hard to offer advice to someone I don’t know and I’m not someone who typically offers advice...!  :)  

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Thanks to both of you for the advice! I’m terrible at checking in online but it means a lot to hear those words. I’m trying to take them into consideration and just slow down a little. I tend to live anxiously and at a fast pace, but you’re right, it’s a lot better when you slow down and breath. This past week alone has had a lot of changes and realizations in it and sometimes that overwhelms me. But at the end of the day, when I’m alone in my home, I need to work on slowing down and just existing. It’s exciting to think about what life might have in store for me one day, but it’s also exhausting. Thanks again for the great advice, it’s really nice to hear from people that have felt similar feelings.

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  • Posts

    • Kole Rickard
      Hello! I am Kole. My birth name was Kaitlyn. I didn't exactly choose the first letter to be the same for my name.  The name Kole or Cole was a name I really enjoyed. I don't exactly know how I came up with it or how I settled with it. It just kind of happened. Since I enjoyed the name, I needed to figure out how it suited me, so I did just that. I also tried a few other names but I didn't exactly like how any of them sounded with me. Cole was a name that a ton of my friends made up for me when I was.. around 7-8. I liked the name and I kinda stuck with it. The name didn't stick with me though. It was soon forgotten by friends but I still loved it. I would always sign papers, signatures, and things similar to that. It confused my parents and they disliked it so I stopped for a while. I am now 15 and I started to do it once more when I was 13. I messed with the lettering and found that the K is Kole is more like me. It is not used often and it has some contact with my birth name. It reminds me that I am still the same boy from the past. I have been openly transgender for 2 years now, but more comfortable for 1.    Now on to you, as soon as I read Samuel, I though of Samantha. Though, I think that is too easy. Though I don't know you too well, I don't have a vibe of how you are. If your friend suggests more earthy or down to earth names I would say out of the 3, Holly. I would think a good name as well would be Juniper, Brook, or Fay.
    • MaryEllen
      I will second what Vicky said. Over the counter, herbal hormones are bad news. To have any effect what so ever, you would have to take them in massive amounts.  The amounts you would have to take would be very toxic to your system. Leading to deep vein thrombosis, stroke, heart attack, liver damage among other things. I strongly advise you not to do it.   MaryEllen
    • Kole Rickard
      Nichole, I know this is very difficult to live with, and even more difficult that it is having an impact on your marriage. I really think therapy is a good thing for you right now. If it is necessary, I would say even couples counseling should be looked into if things with her gets worse. All I can say is don't give up and try to stay motivated. Take her comments lightly and don't let they get to you. I wish you good luck! 
    • NotSamuel
      Hey I’m pretty new on this forum but I thought I’d start it off with a pretty open-ended question.  My birth name is Samuel, and for the last two years I’ve been identifying as transgender. I’m finally starting to come out and explore my identity a bit more, which is why I’m looking for a name. Ive been experimenting with names a bit, Samantha being an obvious choice, and Chloe, which I used for a while online. However I need a name now that represents me more as a person. I don’t want to go by a name like Samantha jus because it’s the female of my birth name. I’ve asked my parents and they didn’t have a female name lined up just in case so I’m left to decide for my own. One of my friends suggested an “earthy” type name, or something feminine but still a little tough. So far I’ve narrowed that down to a shortlist: - Holly - Hazel - Erin   basically if you’ve got any suggestions, literally anything, I’d be really glad to take them. Or even if you have good advice or anecdotes about how you chose your own name, any comments whatsoever would be greatly appreciated. So yeah, thank you in advance if you do decide to make any suggestions:)
    • Nichole Spencer
      As I sit here at my desk dressed as Nichole. I like the way it feels to be dressed as my feminine self. I love my long hair I have grown out. It's kind of scraggly right now as I have had weight loss surgery and one of the side effect is loosing hair. That's will turn around eventually. I have always had very thick curly hair. I love how it looks when I run my straightener through it. I like being able to style it. even though I'm not very good at it yet but I will learn. I have a limited wardrobe but do find the time to dress to express this side of my self. My wife and I work opposite shifts so I just have to be careful to reclaim all the evidence. She is aware of my feminine self but she is absolutely not supportive in any way. I say that but she allows me to wear Pantyhose, tights and leggings (even out in public). Grow my hair long. Wear guy appropriate jewelry (Earrings, Bracelets. I even have some piercings (which I love) that would go either way. I also keep my legs and armpits shaved. I had my chest shaved for the longest time but she has asked my to stop doing that. I'd shave it right now if I could do so without upsetting things.  I believe It's certainly an attempt to compromise with me. I was honest with her when we met. I told her about my Nichole side. But I wasn't dressing at the time and had no desire to do so. That's what I told her and at the time it was the truth. Somewhere along the way the desire came back. I have no idea what changed to bring this back. She did say the other night that if she knew this would come into our lives as much as it has. She's not sure she would have still married me. But she also said we have 18 yr's together and that's a lot of investment. So I'm guessing at this point she's not contemplating divorce. But I do believe she's hoping desperately that I can leave this part of myself in the past. Honestly I'm not so sure that this is even an option at this point. I have been doing or fantasizing about this stuff like so many others since I was 4-5 years old. So it's pretty much sewn into my life fabric so to speak. I am just hoping we can come to some sort of compromise. What that is at this point, I don't know. On my tv in front of me I have pics and gif's running on a slideshow. The pics/gifs vary through the whole spectrum. Crossdresser's/Transsexuals as well real women, "dressed to kill" as I say and in various sexual situations. Both straight and transsexual. I can enjoy images and videos covering the whole spectrum of sexuality...except. I can't get into gay sex. I means that as 2 guys, However If one is dressed and acting feminine. I'm good.  I am seeing a therapist to help me sort this all out. From that therapy I have concluded that it started due to my mother. She wasn't the most emotionally available person in the world. I had a sister that come into the world when I was 4. My older sister told me the love moved from me to my baby sister. My father was a soldier and it was during the Korean and Vietnam conflict's so he wasn't around much. So I was going through my early formative years with no male role model and surrounded by females. As I said, I'm seeing a therapist. It has been very helpful but I'm hoping to use this forum as a means of self exploration and as a source for other people input's and experiences that might help me sort myself out. I am NOT looking for sexual encounters or anything of that nature. So please don't even try. However, If you feel you have experiences/insight that I might find helpful, please feel free to post comments.   Thanks for listening. Nichole Spencer  
    • VickySGV
      This thread --- https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/topic/77407-conflicting-information-from-my-son/?tab=comments#comment-693841   I do agree with what the other Admin and Moderator said about seeing that he gets to a therapist who knows gender issues along with the ADHD and anger issues.  As much as we love our children there does come a time when we cannot have them rule us as well.  
    • VickySGV
      Welcome to the forums and I hope you can find what you need here.  The bad news is that on these Forums we cannot discuss "Hormones" from shops like you have.  The spellings of the one word, and the phrase "Anti-testosterone" tell me these are NOT medically prescribed products.  THEY ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH and could prevent you from ever being able to complete your transition and live a healthy and joyful life.    The scenario is that those types of "hormones" (which could be fine if you were a rooted plant) will do nothing if taken in "safe doses" and so you say dirty words and move on to toxic doses that could easily lead to liver damage, which facilitates Deep Vein Thrombosis blood clots, which can break loose and travel into your lungs or your brain without having done a thing to give you hormone benefits of body change.  Even prescribed doses of actual Human Hormones have the same potential, but with the human stuff you will be under competent medical care and will be tested to see that they are not toxic.  Your OTC "vitamins" are not controlled and you may become ashamed to talk to your PCP in time to prevent tragedy.  The tragedy actually happened to the original founder of this web site.  Please take them back for a refund,. or throw them out and consider the price to be tuition to a school of experience.
    • michelle_kitten
    • Pidge
      Thanks to both of you for the advice! I’m terrible at checking in online but it means a lot to hear those words. I’m trying to take them into consideration and just slow down a little. I tend to live anxiously and at a fast pace, but you’re right, it’s a lot better when you slow down and breath. This past week alone has had a lot of changes and realizations in it and sometimes that overwhelms me. But at the end of the day, when I’m alone in my home, I need to work on slowing down and just existing. It’s exciting to think about what life might have in store for me one day, but it’s also exhausting. Thanks again for the great advice, it’s really nice to hear from people that have felt similar feelings.
    • BowlofPetunias
      See the thread below for how he has been discussing it.  He only told me about the transgender issues about two weeks or so ago.  I have encouraged him to go to the GSA at school and I hope he will go to the state pride festival with me next month.
    • VickySGV
      Thank you for a better picture here.  You do in fact have your hands full there and it is going to be difficult.  You do have a responsibility and sadly you have only a short time -- two years is but an eye blink as I found.  With those facts about his behavior I doubt there is too much that would convince him to change his ideas.  I am not a medical professional, I am a retired tax collector who does have three adult children.  It would hurt, I know if he got into some trouble with the law, but it may be the way to get some serious third party help.  Perhaps talking to your local Police Department Human Trafficking team would be the best help for now.   Unless he is discussing his Gender issues though, his needs are outside of what we really have a clue on here.
    • CaraMC
      Hiya all,   I have been married for just under 10 years and we do not have kids, she has a high flying job and goes everywhere on business and with friends all the time.   I told my wife a couple of days ago I am MTF and transitioning, she said she would support it but would not support hormones or surgery was worried this would kill me very quickly.   What do you guys think? I am very determined to take medication and have surgery. I have been living with this since I was 5 and now I am 30!   Have a good one ladies   Cara
    • CaraMC
      Hiya all,   I am just new to the forums, I have been in the wrong body for just under 25 years now and at 30, I was either going to take the plunge or just live out my days miserably.   I decided to take the plunge, the NHS waiting list is between 2 - 5 years, as such, I found a shop in Manchester called Transformation, which has been there for around 30 years and they sell hormones. I have bought these (HRT, Oestrogen & Anti Testosterone Pills), I checked the credibility and they seem fine.   I wanted to have your guys thoughts, self medicating until I get to the medical help needed? This means I would pro-actively do liver and blood tests to ensure nothing went wrong?   What do you ladies think?   Best wishes,   Cara
    • killjoyaiden
      Ugh that makes me so mad. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and inconsiderate. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's just... ugh, it's terrible. So terrible.   We love you, Amy.
    • Ellora
      Yes, very active. That's why I love this area!  This therapist was recommended. Im looking forward to this meeting, i feel like im just got to let it all out lol, Ill probably run over time lol. 
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