I exhaust myself

[LittleRed]

I find myself exhausted at the end of the day. In the morning, I wake up thinking about my gender and continue to think about my gender (and any issue surrounding that topic - transitioning, fears, coming out, passing, politics, my own faith, etc.) all day long until I am ready for bed - mentally exhausted and depressed. I do this nearly every day. The noise and thoughts just won't stop and my mind is always racing on this stuff - I really hate it.

 

Not currently transitioning, but occasionally presenting at home and sometimes in public.

 

Is this normal? Can anyone relate? (and yes, I am speaking with a gender therapist about this stuff)

[VickySGV]

I can totally relate to it.  My friends who are Gender Therapists (and I have several of them) are fond of pointing out the three major characteristics of Gender Dysphoria that they look for are: 1) the stress is Consistent over time: 2) it Persists in that you cannot push it fully to the junk pile of your mind, and: 3) it becomes Insistent and begins interfering with your life in that the GD invades your mind constantly.   My friends are right as I go back over my history - or rather did with my therapist -.  My GD would not let me alone once I knew what ti was, and at last got too much to keep in that hole in my mental back yard under a huge rock.  Talking about it here will help you, that I can assure you of.

[Lexi C]

yup..and its dose not getting any easier..I will pass bye a mirror and a wave of judgment, doubt and regret  will flow right into every corner of my mind. MY therapist made a great distinction with regard  to the difference between unclear and confused. Right now I am Unclear of where or who I am, regardless of the fact that where and who I am is in present...It's going to take us time but keep being strong, so compassion towards yourself and keep improving everyday 

[Ellora]

Hi! From the time I wake up, until the time I finally fall asleep, I am thinking about what I’m wearing or not wearing, how much hair I hav on my body, and what I look like vs what I want to look like in public. And everything in between. 

Until I started my HRT, i felt like I was spinning my tires. But now that I look back, I was still thinking and planning how to help me, be Me. I feel better , day by day, any now I’m getting the courage to come out more with my friends and family. I worry about what people might say or not say. I’m learning to not be so tough on myself, and that isn’t easy. It’s always easy to criticize oneself, and not easy to praise oneself. We need to encourage ourselves tho, when you feel down, pick yourself back up. Enjoy everyday.

While im looking forward to being able to walk outside and to then Park or zoo in my desired clothing, im working on less of the guilt feeling for not having the strength to do it now. I will tho, especially since it’s getting warmer outside ? 

 

[LittleRed]

It makes me feel a little better knowing that other people experience this. Just woke up this morning and here we go again...

 

It seems if I'm super distracted at work or completely removed from my normal surroundings, I'm not suffering through my own thoughts so much. (like when I go on a camping trip with my kids - which is often being a scout family).

[Kirsten]

Thinking about my gender became a full time job by the end. Years ago dressing every once in a while kept the feeling out of my head. Then it became monthly. Weekly. Daily. Then all the time. I stopped wearing men’s underwear. I started painting my toes. I started shaving my legs. Before I knew it, I was groomed female style always and I was starting to swap out androgynous female clothes for my men’s matches. The mirror became my arch nemesis. And depression took over. 

 

Since transition this has all faded away. Depression disappeared. I look in the mirror. I like what I wear, how I look, and I don’t have this awful dysphoric feeling washing over me every day. I found my relief. Not to say that I don’t have tough days but they aren’t ever as bad as they were. Well typically at least. 

 

I hope you find your relief 

[LittleRed]

Thank you Kristen,

 

I appreciate you sharing as it does give me some hope. Much of my chaotic thoughts are around the lines of "should I transition or shouldn't I". But I can understand that once you have transitioned to the point to where gender dysphoria fades away, you probably find that the grass is green on the other side.

 

The "should I transition or shouldn't I" debate in my head is a warring storm that literally doesn't quit along with "what will other people think and how will they respond", "should I get on HRT or not even though my therapist is willing to write me a letter",  and "should I come out or not".

 

A bit of a "trigger warning: suicide" below...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes it's bad enough that I wish I could just end it. The only thing that holds me back is my wife and children who still love me and accept me for who I am - they are a blessing in so many ways. They depend on me and I depend on them too. This is a very hard struggle. I'm really afraid of coming out and beginning a transition (I don't want to deal with people) but at the same time, its causing me stupid amounts of inner tension. Good thing I have a therapist that I see once a week about this.

[Lexi C]

Hey LR..Shouldn't or should I is my biggest Obstacle too and like you, I cant stop thinking about. But unlike you, I don't have a family or partner or anyone to come too. My biggest issues is " Why am I doing this?. I properly will look like man( which I and that after for months of been on HRT), who going to want a reject like me( half man/ half woman creature), I will never find love or normalness again. So be happy you have a super loving wife and kids. They will help and assume, will be happy with whom every you decide to be...Things could e worse your best could be a mirror and my mirror sucks at being a friend.