When is it time to let go?

[Maid In Bedlam]

When do you stop identifing as trans and start identifing as truly female?

 

I do see many girls here who with the help of hormones etc present completly as women. Yet many still do post here and  hang on to the trans label and continue with all there worth.

Now before that last statement is mis represented and taken out of context let me say. If thats your thing then all the best to you. Who am I to question your lives?

I have seen many threads or posts on this site. Some I have been astounded at and some I agree with. There has also been some that I have read and then gone What the hell are they on? However that is what a forum is for. You discuss. Agree, disagree or choose to say nothing. If not for debate then what is the purpose of a forum?

 

There are people out there who are not Trans and no very little of Trans issues outside what the media wants them to hear. A whole world of diffrent. The world we came from. Good or bad it was part of our lives.

 

if your like me you belong to many forums and read with great interest Issues relating to that Trans world.  I myself have belonged to another trans related internet circle since around 2003.

 

Does transexualism/ crossdressing or whatever define your(sexual) identity as the whole?

 

When is it time to get out of the world of trans and fully become a member of the world beyond?  Especially if you regard yourself as I did, Transsexual. Ie transitioning from one sex to another.  Im sure some would regard that as not possible but I say this to those people. You are what your insticts tell you and not what the media or the haters say. I had according to the DSM a biological and nerological condition and I certainly knew it for most of my life.

 

I for one do really want to go back into the world. I finnished my transition 2 years ago and everyone I know beyond the internet knows me as that woman. There is never any suspicion that I was once trans or indeed male.

 

However every time i try I seem to be drawn back. It starts as a "lets just have a quick look see what is happening" Then onto a full blown back in the ring. I do truly want to barricade this avenue and be forced to walk a new path without looking back but can we do that? Will will always even if we admit it or not be trans?

 

Once upon a time in the earlier days of gender therapy it was strongly recommended to leave it all behind. Now it would seem that advise is no longer passed on. I recall a good pal of mine who transitioned about 15 years ago left all the forums etc on this advise. They never returned and as far as I know live a full and happy life.

 

Do we not become truly who we portray until we have left this arena? Are we and will always be Trans regardless of GCS or whatever else you may want or have had. Its a lot of pain and stuggle. Im sure many who have had GRC will also tell you it wasnt the best time. All the pain and suffering. Strange smells. countless water infections. . The pains of hair removal etc etc. The list is not with an end. Lets just say we have a lot to conquer. So why is one of the easiest things the hardest.

 

If so how is it done with no regrets and fear? No wanting to turn back? Do we just comfort ourselves when we are surrounded by the trans world?

 

Are we just devoted to a cult that we built for ourselves?

 

 

Im guesiing by me posting these words I am trying to find my way out. I did come here to try and be some help to those who are not as far along the road as I am or just need a little praise and encouragement. I dont want to seem selfish but I want to live the life I have made. I see me as the woman I am  and not the transsexual. So why do I keep going round full circle?

 

Its easy to just delete accounts etc But that is not the answer. You will just join again and pretend your someone new. with the message. "Hi im new but use to have an account here" Blah blah blah.

 

how do we stop the wanting to return?

 

Im going very deep but its the only way to find the path of least resistance.

 

 

[Cyndee]

4 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

how do we stop the wanting to return?

 

 

 

Sigh, it's an addiction ? I transitioned years ago, yet I like some people here I've met, and on another forum, so I return by choice, no one is forcing me to do anything. I also work many hours in front of a computer, so it's an easy and fun distraction for me. I don't go to support meetings anymore, I don't go to "trans" outings, or Prides, just not interested that much. My female assimilation path is essentially unique, and will never be the classic story of the young transwoman that starts her life a new. I have relationships from before as well as relationships that have no idea of my past (it's not relevant), it's a unique blend for me. After my GCS I really did get burned out on transition related topics here in the forums, and my keyboard went mostly silent. Now I just like to mingle a little online, I find people that have similar interests as myself "that happened to be trans", such as hiking, biking, radio, music, or common hobbies. Out in the world I just live as female, I like not having to think about my gender, it's wonderful to have solved most of the issues and just live.

 

I joined here in 2010, and here we are, like it or not, it's trans, and I am still here ? no big deal.

 

I move on when I want to, I return when it feels right, that's all, we all find our own comfort zones

 

Have a great day

 

Cynthia -

 

[ToniTone]

I dunno, I'm early in my transition. But I have thought about this. And on the contrary, I yearn for the consolidarity and validation. I wish I had more trans friends irl near me. I love the transgender community, I suppose you could say I take "pride" in it (I'm reluctant to fully embrace Pride®, but that's another story)... 

 

But certainly there is more to me than just a gender/identity. Transgender is just one of the numerous eclectic descriptors of me. I don't really think much about these descriptors anymore. They are a bunch of silly words I use to explain to other people who I am (people I choose to explain it to, I don't owe anyone an explanation). But dwelling on these words to me is absurd, I know who I am. I am me, the same me who enjoys and revels in these communities as the same me who goes out and embraces the rest of the world. 

[Kirsten]

For me I think I’ll leave when my life has become “regular”. I see it already shifting. And I think that once I have that feeling of being fully me, I’ll want to move on. But that doesn’t mean I won’t still talk to my friends. I have talked with some amazing women here. There is so much inspiration here as well. And being able to offer others help has really helped me more than them I’m sure. 

I think that’s why it’s hard to leave. That feeling of belonging is truly awesome. And for most trans people that can be tough to find. Easier if you pass 100%. Easier if you moved away and started a totally new life. But I can’t see it being bad to connect with other people in similar situations. 

When do you leave? When you don’t want to do it anymore. How will you know? When it becomes work rather than being enjoyable. 

[Lexi C]

12 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

. So why is one of the easiest things the hardest.

 

I don't know I am new to my transition four months in. I used to have few trans friend, but they where all in the porn industry and used drugs, alcohol among  others type stimulation to get bye. So I stop hang with then. I kinda of glad a found this place..Its really helping me out. I still very much un certain about me. But Tp give a chance to bounce ideas, thoughts and to hear then as well. I am not on any other site, and to tell the truth,  I am not a chat room kinda of person, but the girls and women on this site sure have help me and I am grateful...Good Luck   

[Ellora]

Hi! Labels labels labels... if we weren’t so stuck on labels, we might just be who we want , without having to feel the need to wear a sign.

I am Native American, and the topic comes up in the political arena, every time Elizabeth warren or someone else brings up their dna results. I’ve heard several replies, It’s not what in your blood, but what you do . Do you live the life, or do you talk about it. 

I think if most people lived their life the way the want to live, than worry about how they are seen by others, we might have a more fruitful life.  

[tracy_j]

Although I am pre everything, I tend to live my life as I go and people take me as they find me. This means that socially I am almost always presenting female but not verbally stating it (or anything else). I live a pretty androgyne lifestyle with some people seeing me as female while others as male. It may sound complicated, but seldom is. Outside of this forum I don't have any trans connections at all and have, apart from fleeting glimpses, never particularly noticed anyone as trans. I live as a woman to a very large extent, just still legally male both with authority and family.

 

That said, I don't reject the past or even refuse to re-visit. I am who I am and that past is part of me. I have always lived with my feminine side and have never rejected it. Just kept it low key in hostile situations. I think it led to quite a bit of agression toward me in the past but I am enough of a rebel to never hide completely. I find that many, if not most, people make assumptions and it takes a lot of work to change them (even then some never do). I do have a male side but it is not the dominant one, indeed being pretty much non existant most of the time. I think it is really the understanding of the body I have been given and it's functioning. I don't think I suffer body dysphoria as such, mainly social.

 

Obviously it is easier for me to say having physically changed nothing, but there is still not really any going back in the total sense. The experience is still there and always will be. I have friends here and enjoy the discussion.

 

Really just a slightly different view of things, but another point I would like to make is that it is the way the human mind works to look back on the past through rosy eyes and often not remember quite how bad things were. That way people may well not see the bad side of transition, just the good expereiencies which they re-visit.

 

Tracy

[Maid In Bedlam]

18 hours ago, Cyndee said:

 

Sigh, it's an addiction ?

 

I think you could be right. Tthe more you think about it. Just like people are addicted to the likes of facebook  People being glued to there smart phones. The rush from someone giving them a thumbs up or whatever it is.  ( I don,t do it. Im not of the era to share my life to everyone). I say that but I post here on occasion. Is that the same?

 

16 hours ago, ToniTone said:

I dunno, I'm early in my transition. But I have thought about this. And on the contrary, I yearn for the consolidarity and validation. I wish I had more trans friends irl near me. I love the transgender community, I suppose you could say I take "pride" in it

 

Firstly I wish you luck in your transition and all the nice things that comes with it.  I hope you find your Utopia

I can understand your need for a site of this stucture and topic. There is nothing strange to seek people with a common cause.

But my point is I do no longer need that. I will admit I did once and very much so. Going back pre internet  There wasnt much out there. The occasional story in the press either showing ridicule or astounishment at the world we now know as trans. Personally I found a surport group in London. This was the mid 80s. Which opened my eyes to the world we now openly post about and the realisation I wasnt strange. Just diffrent. There I found some of my greatest inspirations. People like Yvonne Sinclair. Who are sadly no longer with us on this plain but remain as one of my all time greatest people who were shining the light. So in a way I did the same as you but without the wires  or wifi. back then I did not even know what a Trannsexual was. Not until I found the group and explored my feelings. It helped me to relise and understand at least the reasons why. Just as im sure this forum does and will continue to

 

 

11 hours ago, Kirsten said:

For me I think I’ll leave when my life has become “regular”. I see it already shifting. And I think that once I have that feeling of being fully me, I’ll want to move on. But that doesn’t mean I won’t still talk to my friends.

 

I to have made a few freinds from this site. I will stay in touch with them regardless and i hope they will still be a part of my contacts list. I have learnt much from them and also had the opotunity to re examine the me before transition.

My point was Do we actually move on or do we make a place for ourselves without an exit. Can we break down the walls and venture into the world on our own?

 

 

6 hours ago, Alex C said:

I don't know I am new to my transition four months in. I used to have few trans friend, but they where all in the porn industry and used drugs, alcohol among  others type stimulation to get bye. So I stop hang with then. I kinda of glad a found this place..Its really helping me out.

 Im glad to. As who knows where your past road would have ended up. We are all Precious and should regard ourselves as a goddess as such who has the power to conquer all that would do us wrong.

So well done you for moving on.

 

4 hours ago, Ellora said:

Hi! Labels labels labels... if we weren’t so stuck on labels, we might just be who we want , without having to feel the need to wear a sign.

I am Native American, and the topic comes up in the political arena, every time Elizabeth warren or someone else brings up their dna results. I’ve heard several replies, It’s not what in your blood, but what you do . Do you live the life, or do you talk about it. 

I think if most people lived their life the way the want to live, than worry about how they are seen by others, we might have a more fruitful life.  

So right with the labels. We seem to want to put ourselves into a little box. I suppose it gives our lives order. I think it has always been that way. There is my problem. I want to hop out of the trans box and enter back into the cis world one. Yes its just another label but to be a part whats widely regarded as society.

I have no idea who Elizabeth Warren is but I do get your point. We always endevour on the whole to live a fruitful life. For me that life is out there. This chapter needs to close only to start a new one. I have spent so many years on this page so to speak and now its time to move on. But How is the question.

 

37 minutes ago, tracy_j said:

Although I am pre everything, I tend to live my life as I go and people take me as they find me. This means that socially I am almost always presenting female but not verbally stating it (or anything else). I live a pretty androgyne lifestyle with some people seeing me as female while others as male. It may sound complicated, but seldom is. Outside of this forum I don't have any trans connections at all and have, apart from fleeting glimpses, never particularly noticed anyone as trans. I live as a woman to a very large extent, just still legally male both with authority and family.

 

 

Really just a slightly different view of things, but another point I would like to make is that it is the way the human mind works to look back on the past through rosy eyes and often not remember quite how bad things were. That way people may well not see the bad side of transition, just the good expereiencies which they re-visit.

 

Tracy

Hi Tracy. if thats what your happy with then fantastic. I could have never lived like that. For me it was always very Black and White with no shades of grey.

I was lucky in a way. I always had passing rights so could quite comfortably fit into the female perception ideas. The hormones etc more just took the edges of any male traits I had. To be blunt I had more trouble passing as a man. my teenage years were the worst. I was always getting called Miss. I ended up adopting the biker look with a bit of face fuzz just so I did not. When I go back I think. if only what I know now. I would tell my former self. Dont disguise it embrace it or it will haunt you for the rest of your days. Eventually I did embrace it  and it has brought me to where i am now. The legally female was really just academic for me.

 

I do get the seeing the rosie eyes view. Should I find tthe answer and break the ties then Im sure I will still revisit. just as a voyer at the very least. However  When and how do we let go completly?  Not return. be a very silent minority? Ive even seen it quoted the greatest trans sucsses story never told.

[Cyndee]

1 hour ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

I think you could be right. The more you think about it. Just like people are addicted to the likes of facebook  People being glued to there smart phones. The rush from someone giving them a thumbs up or whatever it is.  ( I don,t do it. Im not of the era to share my life to everyone). I say that but I post here on occasion. Is that the same?

 

 

 

Good Morning and just want to say, I am glad you are posting here, I've enjoyed your music selections and the friendly banter. I don't do any other social media myself, so this is probably as close as it gets to such. Yes it's great to communicate with like minds online, and that's big part of why I participate post transition.

 

Have a great day

 

C -

[Maid In Bedlam]

 

Thank you Cyndee

Your words are few but the meaning you provide is substantial.

I can be what is regarded as alternative and on the fringes of popular in the music I associate with. But I glad you also enjoy my interpretations.

 

It is possible that I will take your stance on posting on forums etc.

On 5/8/2019 at 3:04 PM, Cyndee said:

 

 I find people that have similar interests as myself "that happened to be trans", such as hiking, biking, radio, music, or common hobbies. Out in the world I just live as female, I like not having to think about my gender, it's wonderful to have solved most of the issues and just live.

 

 

 

 I feel much the same way when i place a compassion. I to Believe I have also exercised my demons. I just want to live my life without the Dysphoria which I have achieved for the most part.  I do every so often look in the mirror and it does try to become part of my life. But I now overcome this. I suppose it would be much the same as a born female looking in the mirror and seeing ugly. A spectre that we know is not true other than in our own mind.

[Josie Beth]

I agree with Ellora, it’s not about what is necessarily in your dna, or what group you profess to belong to or what belief system you have adopted, it’s about how you live your life. So many people think that just blah blah blah or puking words out, whether it’s in public or in person or on social media, makes them who they are. I have always expressed that it’s not words but actions that mean something. Someone can say all kinds of good sounding things and if they don’t live up to it then they are not being genuine. Likewise they can be hurting and say terrible things but if they don’t follow through on them it’s just words, what they actually do is who they are. In the last several years I have learned some lessons, and sometimes they were very hard lessons, that I have to observe people instead of taking them at their word. In some cases I have found that they are worthy of compassion and in some cases their actions give them few redeeming qualities. It’s not easy to sift through people like this and be picky about who I decide to surround myself with but it’s a necessary experience. 

[Jani]

On 5/8/2019 at 9:44 AM, Maid In Bedlam said:

When do you stop identifing as trans and start identifing as truly female?

Going back to your initial question, for me it was day 1.  Inside I know I was transgender and transitioning but my image to the world was as the woman I saw myself as.

 

On 5/21/2019 at 12:36 PM, Josie Beth said:

...it’s about how you live your life.

This is what its all about in my opinion. 

 

Jani

[Mickey]

When I first decided to transition, I said that I would always be open and honest about my Trans status. I wanted to do things this way so that I could help other Trans people and their families. And it has paid off. I have one friend on my Fb friends list, that lives in England. She has a child that is Trans. She and I spoke at great length on Fb chat, one night. She was super worried about her child and had ALL kinds of questions. She sometimes posts pics from before her child's transition, alongside current pics. You can see the difference in the smile. Before, it looked kind of fake. You can tell that child is not happy. And the current pics, you can see the pure joy in this young one's face.

 

Even if this was the ONLY person that I was able to help, by being open and honest about my Trans status, it has been WELL worth it. Yet this is not the only person that I've been blessed to be able to help. There has been a few so far. And every time, it makes me so very happy to help.

[Maid In Bedlam]

 

Since my original post I have had time to read the comments listed and re examine my world and how I feel about letting go.

I have contemplated with where I am in the world and come to some conclusions

Who am I Kidding?

Im a  woman who posts on a trans site sometimes.

It would be much the same as no longer posting on a history of Maid in bedlam site because for me its history and I don’t live it anymore.

I said in the original post. “Does transexualism/ crossdressing or whatever define your(sexual) identity as the whole?  “

It does not define me. If it does define me then all I would be doing is denying myself the chance to continue to give thought to the posts that as I said “I have seen many threads or posts on this site. Some I have been astounded at and some I agree with. There has also been some that I have read and then gone What the hell are they on?”

I think jani kind of nailed it for me. It was from day one. That was the time to let go. The question I should have asked is “What do you let go of?”

 

So sadly for some of you but hooray for others I will continue to observe. Agree. Disagree or say what are you on for some time.

 

Also to no longer take part would be depriving the world of my way of thinking. Right or wrong its mine. If you do not agree with those words then convince me otherwise. Debate me. If you feel my words are fundamentally wrong  show me my error. It’s the way of a forum .

If I can give someone a clearer direction then who am I to deprive that observation

I would particully miss the “what are you on” Posts?

[Charlize]

I'm a bit "on" and i think the drug is just life.  When i found a path through fear and started to live as myself i felt i had let go.  Having no idea of results or consequences i had managed to release my hold on the status quo and find a new path while not knowing what tomorrow would bring.

I'm not a debater.  I know i had to convince myself.  Reading about others and therapy showed me some possibilities but making the plunge was my decision alone.  Perhaps that's part of what being true to myself means.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize