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ravennevermore

New, in every way. And scared.

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ravennevermore

Hi everyone,

 

I’m not sure where to start... And I am so sorry if I ramble or sound ridiculous, or if this is long winded. It’s really the first time I’ve said anything “out loud”.

 

I guess first of all, I should say that I have finally, FINALLY realized... that I am transgender.. mtf, and have been fighting dysphoria forever without truly knowing what that meant.

 

After the last couple days, the battle inside my head I’ve been fighting since I was in my teens or truly probably much younger, has really come to the peak. And something else happened today, in my 32nd year of life, that finally led me to find a community/forum I could join and talk. And I’ll explain.

 

I’ve always known I’ve had a feminine side, that more often than not has dominated my thoughts, but because of the family I grew up with, the small town I lived in, the “traditional values” that accompany those types of communities, I always had to hide myself. 

 

I spent a few years in my 20’s in much larger cities, where it was just easier to be “me”. But I still hid behind the facade of “emo”, and as a musician it just helped me do the things I wanted to do without being bullied as much. Like wearing makeup. Women’s clothing. Etc.

 

I’ve been with women, and men, and I’ve been happy with both. And I’ve usually not been ashamed of that. That’s never been a huge issue for me.

 

The real fight inside me is that every day, for so long, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don’t understand what I see. I don’t feel comfortable being me. I’m not happy being the person I see in the mirror. I’ve spent so long trying to “be a man” and “do manly things” and force myself to like the generalized “male” interests. I even married at one point and had a kid. But I have always been so unhappy and so “serious” and never the emotional, smiling type of person that I always end up alone, alienating everyone and losing everyone I’ve loved. Drinking and abusing myself to kill the pain I have been feeling without knowing where the pain was coming from.

 

For years (since being young), and much more so these past 2 years, I’ve realized just how much I’ve always gravitated towards the feminine side. Where my interests lie. How I want to be seen. What I want to do and how I want to look.

 

Today, and I’m so sorry if this sounds stupid... I heard about a Snapchat filter that alters your gender appearance. I was immediately curious, and wanted to try it.

 

The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t.

 

It was also the first time I saw myself smile a true, honest smile in a photo. I almost broke down. I ran to the bathroom and just kept taking different shots to save on my phone. I spent the rest of the day doing this, as well as looking up HRT (not for the first time) and looking up doctors (not for the first time) and found myself in a completely new, terrifying but somehow comforting world.

 

The really hard part today has been going from looking at these fake filters/photos, to looking back at myself in the mirror again. Now when I look in the mirror, I immediately want to turn away. I can’t handle seeing myself the way I am right now anymore.

 

I always knew, but I needed that moment to tell myself that it was reality: I am a woman. Deep down. And I want to come out. So bad. But I am so scared that I am in tears even writing this. I feel like no one would understand. I don’t know how to move forward now. I just keep staring at the fake photo of myself as a woman (my profile picture) and silently crying to myself. 

 

Thank you for reading... Again, I’m sorry this is so long. But I appreciate anyone who listens.

 

I suppose for now, you can call me Raven. <3

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Carolyn Marie

Hello, Raven, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  Let me put your mind at ease; your post is nowhere near too long, you don't sound stupid, and you don't sound ridiculous.  What you do sound like is just like any of us, who have been where you are, and have ventured through the Looking Glass to come out the other side as the gender we were meant to be, and always were inside.  Your story will sound very familiar to most of us here.

 

It's a scary thing, admitting it to ourselves and others for the first time.  I was terrified, too.  It will begin to make sense before you realize it.  Please do have a look around the forums, read lots of threads, start your own threads, and never hesitate to ask questions.  Like the cliche' says, there is no such thing as a dumb question.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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tracy_j

Hi Raven, Welcome.

 

You can realise things in many different ways, as you will find if you read a few introductions here, but it is good that you have. Now you can learn to be you.

 

Tracy

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Mackenzie Holiday
2 hours ago, ravennevermore said:

The minute I saw myself as a woman... I almost cried, in the middle of my work. I was looking at me. ME. It might have just been some dumb photo editing algorithm, but to me, it was the first time I recognized myself. I suddenly felt whole, even if only for a moment. I felt real. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and laugh and jump up and down. And I wanted to tell everyone. But I couldn’t.

 

Raven, I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to this. This need to experience myself, my real self, to see myself, hear myself, feel myself is what has been driving me through my transition all this time and it's also been what has made transitioning the most rewarding thing I've ever done. It's so hard to put into words exactly how awful gender dysphoria feels, or how euphoric it feels when things actually do align even just for a second, but the way you described both of those things made me scream in my head "YES! THAT! THAT'S HOW IT FEELS!"

 

I totally relate to how overwhelming and scary it all feels right now, the idea of coming out or starting a transition can feel super intimidating, but that need to be yourself can be absolutely overwhelming. When you're caught between two feelings that are that intense, it can feel like you're being crushed, and it's such an awful feeling! I know you said you don't know how to move forward, but you are already. You're looking into HRT and doctors again, and you've reached out to others who have had similar experiences to yours by posting on this forum. Reading up on your options IS moving forward, so you're already a little bit closer. There are a lot of people who will understand what you're going through and who will support you. I mean, can't speak about any of the people you know in your life, but if you're still living in a city,  you will absolutely be able to find people near you who will understand you and support you and who will be delighted to get to know you, the real you that you are inside.

 

It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay. There are a lot of options out there for you. There are a lot of resources out there for you. It can all feel very intimidating and terrifying, but whatever you do, you won't have to do it alone, and you definitely won't have to do it in the dark.

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MarcieMarie12

Same here, and luckily for me only 3 people that I cared about had issues that lasted to this day. Those were my two brothers, who just stopped taling to me, and my ex. The first few steps are scary, and the uncertaintity and anxiety were some of the things I had to endure. But where I told the end result, I would not have changed a thing. It did not solve all my problems though. I went through a year of unemployment and am know running my own business. Those issues were not solved by my transition.In fact that didn;t happen until after I was out full time for a year. It cured by dysphoria for the most part, but there are days where I still feel it. Luckily it does not last long.

 

How did I get through it, was just one small step at a time. 

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DrumbeatAlex

Welcome Raven! It's great to have you here.

 

I think a lot of trans people would be able to relate to your story. The gradual build-up and struggle before realisation certainly connects with me. Hopefully you can find some relatable stories and friends on this site and find support from the community here. Not being able to say things to the people around you can be frustrating and tricky, but we're always here as a safe space to share all your joys and pains. :) 

 

I heard about that snapchat filter today too! I want to try it out but i dont have snapchat. :( ...maybe i'll use my sisters phone to do it. ;P 

 

I recently came out and was scared before I did so. it went better than i expected and its so freeing to be able to talk openly about my experiences with people in my personal life. However, there are still struggles and I would recommend taking it at your own pace. Starting by telling only a couple people, who will likely be supportive, may help you build your support network and express yourself without having to deal with too much conflict and negativity. "i feel like no-one will understand" --chances are you're right (it can be very hard to understand things you haven't gone through) but they dont need to fully understand to be able to support and respect you. :) 

 

Anyway, welcome (again) and goodluck on your journey of self-discovery. :) 

 

-Alex

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michelle_kitten

You totally don't sound ridiculous, nor rambling, nor is your post too long.  Like you, I hid the girl side of me for what seems like an eternity.  I totally don't recognize myself in the mirror, although I've become accustomed to seeing that face and body, it isn't doesn't match who I am on the inside.  You have had a life time of having your true self confined within.  Who would expect you to not have everything come gushing out at once?

 

For me it was such a relief to finally say how I have felt for so very long.  The dam broke.  My first post was probably half again longer than yours, if I remember right.

 

What is the name of that filter?  I'd love to try it.  All I see is a fat guy when I look in the mirror and it is hard to imagine me after transitioning.  I'd love to have an idea of what I might look like.

 

You're in good company here.  Welcome to the forums. 🤗

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Charlize

Welcome Raven.  Being here, reading about others and expressing my own feelings helped me( and continues to do so).  I also listened to the advice of others and went to a gender therapist.  finding our path through the gender world is easier when we understand we are not alone.

Hi sister!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Jani

Hello Raven, and Mackenzie too!  Welcome to both of you.  

 

Writing your story can be cathartic and will hopefully reveal a path for you to start on.  

 

I hope to see both of you around the forum.

 

Cheers, Jani  

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ToniTone

Welcome Raven! Don't worry, you're in a great place to be open and be yourself. I think you'll find everyone here is quite warm, welcoming and supportive. 

 

I can so relate to your story. I'm 32, suppressed my gender my whole life and assumed the facade of a cishet male to conform to the societal/familial "norms" and exptectations and be a "man". Over a decade ago I was a gothy punk, androgynous musician.

 

I finally accepted what I was a few months ago and felt so scared and alone, so I joined this forum. Everyone here was so supportive and helpful, it was comforting to have others over the web I can talk to about these things. I've been transitioning for a month and a half now, and I feel very content with where I am and am going, and relieved to finally be me. 

 

I'm in a number of trans groups on social media. The photo filter is a hot, controversial issue. I've read about alot of dysphoria stories and disdain about cishets making light humor of trans people with it. I must say, this is the first story I've heard with a (asssumedly?) positive spin, where someone discovered themselves with it. 

 

~Toni

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Ellora

Omg, I think I’m going to get addicted to Snapchat! I love the new filter! 

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ravennevermore

You are all so wonderful! Thank you everyone who read my introduction and replied. I’ve felt so alone for so long, and realizing who I really am is just making that feeling worse right now. But I am trying to find support groups or clinics in my city that could help.

 

I know there has been some backlash on that Snapchat filter in the general public, but for me... I’ve just been taking photo after photo every chance I get. It really just has been a confirmation of everything that was buried deep inside me for so long. 

 

I am so thankful to see communities like this be so supportive, and I am definitely taking part in the forum conversations!

 

Can anyone direct me to the thread that discusses HRT?

 

Thank you, loves. <3

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Carolyn Marie
Just now, ravennevermore said:

Can anyone direct me to the thread that discusses HRT?

 

Thank you, loves. ❤️

 

There are many helpful and informative threads and posts in this forum:  https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/forum/56-hormone-replacement-therapy/

 

Carolyn Marie

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Ellora
Just now, ravennevermore said:

You are all so wonderful! Thank you everyone who read my introduction and replied. I’ve felt so alone for so long, and realizing who I really am is just making that feeling worse right now. But I am trying to find support groups or clinics in my city that could help.

 

I know there has been some backlash on that Snapchat filter in the general public, but for me... I’ve just been taking photo after photo every chance I get. It really just has been a confirmation of everything that was buried deep inside me for so long. 

 

I am so thankful to see communities like this be so supportive, and I am definitely taking part in the forum conversations!

 

Can anyone direct me to the thread that discusses HRT?

 

Thank you, loves. ❤️

Hi! I love the Snapchat filter, it makes me feel happy about myself. I put makeup from time to time, always lipstick everyday tho, but I have never taken pictures of myself until I started using the filter tonight. I was skeptical at first, but as soon as I took the first picture, it blew my mind and seemed to validate how I feel I look. 

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reyindium

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. I am obsessed with the snapchat filter. Like you, I took a ton of photos and saved them. I'm not even a selfie taking kind of person, I just use snapchat to talk to my young trans cousin. (But now feel like Im stocking up before they possibly remove the filter). I avoid most forms of social media so I don't know what people (cis or otherwise) are saying about the filter...but it was wonderful to take a photo and go, "Ah, there I am. Finally." It nearly feels therapeutic.

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