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Ross

Trans gf no sex drive - advice please

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Ross

Hi everyone, I'm hoping someone can provide some advice or insight.

 

I'm a western man who is fortunate to have the most wonderful and beautiful transgender Filipina gf in the world. I love her dearly and hope to marry her. We've been dating for well over a year now and we are lucky enough to see each other often. I know she also loves me very much but there is just one challenge in that she has virtually zero sex drive.

 

In the time we've been dating we have yet to have "sex" (I'm 100% top) and, what we do have is very quick and perfunctory and "to keep (me) happy". I've tried talking about it with her many times and even written long emails to her in the thought that maybe she's embarrassed to discuss face to face. 

 

I know she is "attracted" to me but not, unfortunately, sexually. She says that a relationship is about "companionship" rather than sex which, of course, is true. Nonetheless, sex is a big part and it's one way we show our love for each other and I can't help but feel rejected in this aspect. We all want to be with someone who is excited and turned on by us.

 

I truly want to marry her but, having previously suffered 10 years of a completely sexless marriage with my ex (cis) wife, I know the toll it can take. I certainly never want to cheat on her but the reality is that I worry that might happen one day - as a not unattractive western man in the Philippines there are certainly no lack of offers. Some of them quite blatant. 

 

What can I do?? Can anyone offer any advice or help? 

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Carolyn Marie

Physical relations between a trans person and cis-person of the same or opposite sex can often be problematic, for a wide variety of reasons.  Cross-sex hormones can suppress the libido.  There can be psychological or emotional barriers, and sometimes, as you mentioned, it can be due to shyness, embarrassment or even unfamiliarity with sexual positions and techniques in performing as a member of the other sex.  In a word, it is complex.

 

I take it that you are currently residing in the Philippines?  That is something I did not understand from your other thread.  If so, then my next suggestion become much more difficult.  I was about to suggest that the two of you seek the services of a what we in America sometimes call a Sexologist, otherwise known as couples counseling, or relationship counseling.  That might be easily found in Australia, but I;m not so sure about the Philippines.  That is especially true about a therapist familiar with trans gender issues.  But its worth a try.

 

Outside of professional help, I would just urge the two of you to talk things out the best you can, and perhaps you can figure out approaches that work, or reasons why you are struggling to find romantic and physical companionship.  Getting this issue settled now is far better than getting hitched and then trying to work on it, IMHO.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

 

 

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Ross

Thanks so much Carolyn. Just about the confusion, I split my time 75:25 between Australia and the Philippines. 

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Amberlea

Hi Ross

I really feel for your situation. I'm not going to presume to offer advice, just a point of view. I'm a trans woman in a sexless relationship. I too have zero sex drive, and it is something that my partner of ten years reluctantly has come to except. I personally would be happy for her to have sex with another, I would not deny her what I wouldn't (couldn't) give. This topic we have discussed, and she feels she is not in the position to sleep with another. She also feels that it is not fair to me to push me into something that was abhorant to me. In the very early days she pushed me hard to perform, which I reluctantly did.... As our relationship matured we have come to our present state. I understand your need for sex, you are entitled to it! I understand that you would feel very guilty if you "cheated," you obviously love your girl friend very much! Love is capable of very great things, and is not out of the realms of possibility that accomadations could be made to allow you to meet your physical needs else where in a non emotional way whilst all love and affection is purely for your girl friend?

 

wishing you the very best

Amberlea

 

 

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Zoey

Me and my trans partner dealt with the stunted sex drives by exploring fetishes that didn't need to involve actual sex.  Super bumpy at first but things are steady, evolving and fun now :).  Maybe don't try for sex, but explore other things that turn her on.

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Charlize

Zoey i'm sorry you are going through this.  My sex drive has never been all that great and now is seemingly non existent.  Personally i find the peace that freedom from the drive an improvement.  I can also see how it would become difficult for my wife.  Years ago i know she was disappointed but now age and illness has given both of us a place of a delicious intimate non sexual relationship.  

I can only suggest that you be as honest as possible.  As you know issues with sexual drive and preferences can destroy relationships.  Honesty throughout can help one avoid the worst even if it hurts at the time.  Seeing a therapist a a couple might be a great way to discuss this if it is hard otherwise.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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