Wife unfazed by MTF

[CaraMC]

Hiya all,

 

I have been married for just under 10 years and we do not have kids, she has a high flying job and goes everywhere on business and with friends all the time.

 

I told my wife a couple of days ago I am MTF and transitioning, she said she would support it but would not support hormones or surgery was worried this would kill me very quickly.

 

What do you guys think? I am very determined to take medication and have surgery. I have been living with this since I was 5 and now I am 30!

 

Have a good one ladies

 

Cara

[reyindium]

I suppose you could start by trying to educate her on the medications, surgeries, and the process to obtain both. It's not a speedy change you're seeking and the entirety of it is monitored by your doctors in collaboration with you. In your wife's defense, her concerns aren't unfounded. Any medical procedure is not without risk, but patients make their decisions by weighing the gain versus the risk. You may need to explain how your gains outweigh the risks and what the exact risks for you specifically would be, in order for her to better understand your desires to physically transition. The two of you could benefit by sitting down together to talk about what the HRT and surgeries will mean for your health, both mental and physical.

Best wishes.

[Ellora]

I agree with @reyindium .

[CaraMC]

Hi Reyindium and Ellora,

 

Thank you for your responses!

 

I think a sit down is certainly appropriate too, I will be sitting her with today on what happens going forward.

 

Thank you for your support I did not expect any to reply.

 

Take care

 

Cara

[Ellora]

Do you have a gender therapist? And or do you have a therapist that might be able to assist you and possibly help both of you? Different levels of communication is usually very helpful. I wish you well! 

[Tessa]

To have a supporting spouse is awesome! I think the main thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Be supportive of her as well and how this will effect her. I agree with Ellora that a gender therapist would be a good idea. Enjoy one another and love each other and be happy you have someone that loves you.

 

My ex would never support me. In fact she would use it to further destroy my credibility with my children. I have a daughter who wants to be a boy and she treats him like he doesn’t belong. So be happy where you are with your special someone that she loves you that much! 

 

A relationship is built on love and trust. Without those 2 things it will not survive. So love and trust each other and make the rest of your days happy ones! 

 

Love 

 

Tessa?‍?

[CaraMC]

I think a thearpist would be a great Idea ?

 

She has now changed her tune, she came back from holiday today.

 

She said she did not want me to call myself Cara and could not accept any changes at the moment and that and that I should just be old Damian, she will accept it but it will take time. At the same time, she is constantly crying non stop, then says I am fine then crys some more. I am trying my best being supportive but she realised that she has been controlling and keeps crying more.

 

I do not really know what to do, as I am going through all this alone too I trying my best to sort it but if she is stopping me from being myself I do not know what to do.

 

She asked me to write a list of what I want, what annoys me and what we should do going forward.

 

One thing is that I am gay, I like guys so whilst I love her, she still wants me to be her partner but I did say need to be with guys, it's something I cannot deny.

 

I feel awful and unsure what to do.....

[Kirsten]

Well if you want to be with men, you need to not be with a woman. At the very least it will destroy any sort of relationship you have now anyways. And that’s whether you’re cis or trans.  If Ive learned anything from my own transition it’s that honesty is very important. And so is being true to yourself whatever that may mean. 

All the rest seems pretty inconsequential at this point unless you’re in an open relationship already. Because starting an open relationship after a monogamous one has been lived will mean hurt feelings and bad stuff anyways 90+% of the time. 

Whatever you do, you BOTH need to talk to therapists. Gender therapists will be more help than a regular therapist for both of you too. 

Remember this process takes years and years and even more years. It’s hard but you need to take every step slowly and with purpose. Most of this can’t be undone once you take that next step. 

[CaraMC]

I appreciate the advice. I am attracted to my wife emotionally as we grew up together but not physically (nor other women).

 

When she came back from holiday, she cried all day, said she wanted to stay with but there were conditions:

 

I had to be intimate with her, I had to delay hormones and could not have surgery, I had to delay dressing formally as a woman until she could accept.

 

I had to hid this from her parents that stay at our house a min of 6 months every year.

 

My heart strings are completely pulled over the place but I know who I am.

 

This was my worst fear when I attempted suicide last year and its came true.

 

I cannot deal with her crying because the old person would just back down when she got upset.

[Ellora]

If you are feeling depressed and especially since you mentioned thoughts of suicide, PLEASE step back, and call a friend that you can talk to, and or talk to a therapist (someone that can help you, even a hotline). 

 

Im not saying that you are thinking about it now, but since you mentioned it, I don’t want you to feel that way now. I hope that you will find a way to help you through this difficult time.

 

Stay Strong!!! We Care for You! ?!