Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

54 yrs old. Still trying to figure myself out.


Nichole Spencer

Recommended Posts

As I sit here at my desk dressed as Nichole. I like the way it feels to be dressed as my feminine self. I love my long hair I have grown out. It's kind of scraggly right now as I have had weight loss surgery and one of the side effect is loosing hair. That's will turn around eventually. I have always had very thick curly hair. I love how it looks when I run my straightener through it. I like being able to style it. even though I'm not very good at it yet but I will learn. I have a limited wardrobe but do find the time to dress to express this side of my self. My wife and I work opposite shifts so I just have to be careful to reclaim all the evidence. She is aware of my feminine self but she is absolutely not supportive in any way. I say that but she allows me to wear Pantyhose, tights and leggings (even out in public). Grow my hair long. Wear guy appropriate jewelry (Earrings, Bracelets. I even have some piercings (which I love) that would go either way. I also keep my legs and armpits shaved. I had my chest shaved for the longest time but she has asked my to stop doing that. I'd shave it right now if I could do so without upsetting things.  I believe It's certainly an attempt to compromise with me. I was honest with her when we met. I told her about my Nichole side. But I wasn't dressing at the time and had no desire to do so. That's what I told her and at the time it was the truth. Somewhere along the way the desire came back. I have no idea what changed to bring this back. She did say the other night that if she knew this would come into our lives as much as it has. She's not sure she would have still married me. But she also said we have 18 yr's together and that's a lot of investment. So I'm guessing at this point she's not contemplating divorce. But I do believe she's hoping desperately that I can leave this part of myself in the past. Honestly I'm not so sure that this is even an option at this point. I have been doing or fantasizing about this stuff like so many others since I was 4-5 years old. So it's pretty much sewn into my life fabric so to speak. I am just hoping we can come to some sort of compromise. What that is at this point, I don't know.

On my tv in front of me I have pics and gif's running on a slideshow. The pics/gifs vary through the whole spectrum. Crossdresser's/Transsexuals as well real women, "dressed to kill" as I say and in various sexual situations. Both straight and transsexual. I can enjoy images and videos covering the whole spectrum of sexuality...except. I can't get into gay sex. I means that as 2 guys, However If one is dressed and acting feminine. I'm good. 

I am seeing a therapist to help me sort this all out. From that therapy I have concluded that it started due to my mother. She wasn't the most emotionally available person in the world. I had a sister that come into the world when I was 4. My older sister told me the love moved from me to my baby sister. My father was a soldier and it was during the Korean and Vietnam conflict's so he wasn't around much. So I was going through my early formative years with no male role model and surrounded by females.

As I said, I'm seeing a therapist. It has been very helpful but I'm hoping to use this forum as a means of self exploration and as a source for other people input's and experiences that might help me sort myself out. I am NOT looking for sexual encounters or anything of that nature. So please don't even try. However, If you feel you have experiences/insight that I might find helpful, please feel free to post comments.

 

Thanks for listening.

Nichole Spencer

 

Link to comment

Nichole, I know this is very difficult to live with, and even more difficult that it is having an impact on your marriage. I really think therapy is a good thing for you right now. If it is necessary, I would say even couples counseling should be looked into if things with her gets worse. All I can say is don't give up and try to stay motivated. Take her comments lightly and don't let they get to you. I wish you good luck! 

Link to comment
  • Admin
2 hours ago, Nichole Spencer said:

I am seeing a therapist to help me sort this all out. From that therapy I have concluded that it started due to my mother. She wasn't the most emotionally available person in the world. I had a sister that come into the world when I was 4. My older sister told me the love moved from me to my baby sister. My father was a soldier and it was during the Korean and Vietnam conflict's so he wasn't around much. So I was going through my early formative years with no male role model and surrounded by females.

 

Not to jump on your therapist's foot, but what you describe here, has been shown to be irrelevant to being Trans, although it was a theory at one time.  Emotional neglect does not cause Gender Dysphoria, but it may hold us back on getting it out in the open earlier than we do.  Whatever is going on has been going on for reasons of our own bodies and the brains in them.  In your case the timing of your mother's re-focus on your younger sister may be misleading, but do discuss it with your therapist.  Your relations with your mother do need to be resolved IN ADDITION to the Gender Dysphoria.

 

As far as you and your wife's relations go, I would suggest that you see about getting two books by Jennifer Finney Boylan, the first is Shes Not There, about her life in denial for a variety of reasons, and the other Stuck In The Middle With You  is about the relations she had in coming out with her family.

 

Welcome to the Forums.

 

Link to comment
Quote

Hey Kole has some solid Advice. I 55 on my own. I  fight the fact that I will never be with someone because I will properly never be happy with myself. I was reading your story and all I could think about was " Lucky he has someone." I never realized how sometimes that is more difficult.So now I see; listen to Kole, get a outsider opinion, and work from there..G.L 

 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Nichole, and thank you for sharing your story.  It is in some ways like my own.  I came out to my wife at the age of 55.  She wasn't sure at first if she could stick it out, either, and had many doubts.  But we are still together 10 years later, and doing well, so I hope that gives you some cheer for your own future as a couple.

 

Why we are who we are, and what we are, is an interesting thought exercise, but it doesn't change anything in the end.  n my case, I think it may have something to do with my mother's likely use of the drug DES during pregnancy in the 1950's.  But there is no proof, and, like I said, it doesn't much matter.  So my suggestion is to let that issue go, because it won't change anything.

 

There are a lot of good questions among the forum threads, and an equal number of good answers, and some bad answers, too.  Please look around and don't be shy about asking any questions for yourself.  We have a lot of experience among the members here, and one thing we like to do is share it.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Kole Rickard

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to respond to your comments. I have a very busy life and finding the time to actually sit and ponder things can be somewhat elusive to say the least. I don't have much difficulty living with this. I'm not sure where this fits into my life. I do know it is part of me and will always be. As to what degree I'm still sorting that out. Currently my biggest issue is sorting this out with my wife. As I mentioned in my precious post I did share this with her when we first got together. I didn't have the desire or urge to dress at the time. So my question is ...What Changed?  What happened that brought this back into my life? I ask the question only to understand myself better..not so much to revert back to not dressing.

I do very much enjoy my therapy sessions. It's been very helpful with this and other things going on in my life currently. My wife and I are both currently seeing therapist. We both have "Demons to slay" as we say. We have both attending each other's therapy sessions to do the couples thing. I think she is more comfortable with her therapist then with mine. Which is ok with me. She is very defensive from things that happened in her life. I think her therapist is fair and very good at what she does. My wife currently is working on her own issues before we address our mutual issues. Which again I feel is fair. You have to center yourself before you deal with others. Which is what I'm doing with my therapist as well.  I'm not giving up. She knows I have to sort this out and I try to be sure she understand that this will likely be me forever. Like I said before I'm just not sure as to what extent. I do know I love my wife with all my soul. We are struggling but we are both committed to figuring this out. Taking her comments lightly can certainly be a challenge sometimes. I know this is a long haul thing and nothing with be figure out tomorrow. 

Link to comment

VickiSVG

I copied and pasted you comment "Emotional neglect does not cause Gender Dysphoria"  in a search and this is one result I though I'd share with you .  http://darahoffmanfox.com/transgender-childhood-events/ one quote from this is  " a trauma from childhood or even a significant event from childhood doesn’t cause someone to be transgender but it can definitely cause gender confusion."  Also this quote  " Going back to the question of why you have asked yourself this question, once again, what you really need to think about is, in the end are you really hoping the answer is not that you’re transgender?"

 

I think the this is a logical path to take to understanding oneself. Maybe some folks don't think that's important. But my goal is to truly understand myself and why I am who I am whatever that person is. 

 

Thank you for the reading suggestions. I will get them and read them in the near future.

 

Link to comment

Carolyn Marie

It's encouraging to hear that 10 years later your still together. My wife did say a few days back that if she knew this issue was going to came back again she wasn't sure she would have married me. It hurt but at least she's bring honest with me.  When I told her about this years ago when we first got together. I didn't have the desire to express this side of myself. She took that as it was behind  me and no longer and issue. I guess I should have made it clear that it may one day come back. 

I agree that the questions I have don't change anything, I am who I am. This is nothing more then a quest to understand myself better. I may never find the answers I seek and I'm ok with that.  However, that doesn't mean I can't learn more about myself as I talk with others and listen to their experiances. I have little doubt I can learn from them and answer my own questions.

Link to comment
  • 2 years later...

HI again everyone. I'm still here. It's three years later and I'm still sorting it all out. After all this time I've come to the realization that I'm struggling with allowing myself to be me. To be feminine. To except myself without the self loathing, To stop allowing the shame to make me feel horrible about myself. I say that I'm ok with my fem side. That's a front I put up for myself and those few people I rarely converse with online. I want to be free of this negative energy's (thought processes) that continue to make me feel bad about myself. But in my mind I still feel the shame, embarrassment and the self imposed requirement to "Suck it up and be a Man". I know now that I have to except myself for who I am completely and honestly.  I can't move in any direction until I do that. 

 

Thoughts anybody?

 

Nichole

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome back, Nichole.  The best recommendation I have is that you seek out a gender therapist to talk with.  They are (or should be) trained and experienced in dealing with folks who have the issues with doubt, fear, and "self-loathing" that you've identified.  We can offer support and encouragement, but we can't delve into the "why's" of how you feel here in these forums.  Many of us struggled with it at least at the beginning, as I did.

 

It may be possible that you aren't right with physical or social transition.  Some don't need to, and some don't want to for many reasons.  That's OK, too.  But we can't tell you which way is right for you.  Only you can do that, with the aid of a good G.T.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

I have sometimes found men who engage in toxic masculinity talking about their own self-loathing. As a WOMAN, I have never experienced such a thing in the way they describe. I strongly believe it's not the same as depression, because I have felt that, and felt it for a long time, goodness knows. I have had to be careful sometimes to overlook the things I've seen men say or write, because, actually a lot of the time, it's just men talking to other men, and walking in on their conversations is extremely awkward and unwanted.

 

Additionally, I do NOT have male role models because my role models are women. I respect men, for sure, but I don't and have never felt like I wanted to fill their shoes, which is what role models are there for. I hope you look at the women in your life and draw on their strength, or just any woman in general. Musicians are great sources of inspiration when looking for female role models. There are all kinds of pop stars whose lyrics are so incredibly deeply feminine if you look at them carefully, and often, female singers speak directly to fellow women. Shakira's "She Wolf" and Selena Gomez's "Who Says" are both profound songs that have spoken to me and kept me going.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 152 Guests (See full list)

    • MaeBe
    • KathyLauren
    • KymmieL
    • Timi
    • Carolyn Marie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Either new environment/ not potty trained
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob was on his way home from the dojo and he "just happened" to driver by her place. It was 10:30.  Her light was still on.  He knew exactly where she was sitting.  He saw her in his mind.   A fierce wave of desire that took his breath away suddenly showed up. All he had to do was stop, get out of the car, walk to the door and knock.  She would answer, glad to see him.  She would know why he was there and what he wanted. She would invite him in, maybe get him something to drink, disappear for a moment and return in "something more comfortable."  She would lead him back. Oh, joy.   And never, ever speak to him again afterwards.  Or she would not let him in but be angry about it.  In no way, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, was she ready for this, and he knew it, if he was honest with himself, and she knew he knew it.  She would look upon it as another assault and their relationship would be irretrievably broken.  He would have to leave town. It would devastate her. It would devastate him.    He fought himself.  He was frozen to his seat as his reason and his body fought. He was twenty four years old, a full-blooded male with normal desires; he had just worked out and he was ready.  All he had to do now was open the car door. No one would know. He held his hands, one in the other, to keep one from moving, against his reason and will, to open that door.  He did not want to be a slave of his desires.   He looked across the street.  Mrs. McCarthy, sister of his landlord, was peeking though her window.  She knew his car.  Everyone in town would know by noon the next day if he got out of the car.  Taylor did not need that, either, and she would know, if he came to the door now, what a selfish thing it would be: in his own eyes, in the eyes of Taylor, in the eyes of the town, and worst of all, in the eyes of God.   He sat there a moment longer.  He was, as he reflected, entering into her sufferings in a small way that she would be made whole, healthy and happy: what he wanted more than anything.  But this hurt.  Why had all this come on her?  He asked God again, but there was only silence. He drove home in that silence. He chided himself for even going on her street and for driving on it other nights.  He would stop that, he told himself.   ------------------------------------------   The next morning Taylor went out to her car to go to work.  Mrs. McCarthy met her before she got to it. "I thought you were going to get lucky last night, dearie," she said. Taylor was puzzled. "Why, what do you mean?" "That young fellow - you know, Bob - he's been driving around here, going up and down the street some nights, not stopping.  Well, last night he parked and sat in his car for a while.   I think he was staring at your window.  I think he was trying to get up the courage to knock on the door. I was rooting for him.   But then he drove away.  Faint heart never won fair lady, as they say. What a shame. You two are a lovely couple.  Well, have a good day!" "Thank you, Mrs. McCarthy."  Taylor knew Bob extremely well and knew what had been going through his mind.  She was more than grateful he had not gotten out of the car. Better for him, better for her, better for everybody.  Surgery "down there" sooner than later.  This was driving the poor boy crazy. It was driving her crazy, too.  But she had a lot to work through. Surgery "up here" she said, pointing to her head.  She woke up her therapist on the way to work.  They were still talking when she pulled into her designated parking spot.  That was a perk that had happened yesterday.  She took a deep breath and headed into work. It would be another wild day.
    • Ashley0616
      bittersweet: especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...