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NoNamePlease

Struggling, sinking further into depression.

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NoNamePlease

Hello. I just need a place to vent I think. My head is a mess right now, and focusing is difficult. I'm not having suicidal thoughts, so maybe this is in the wrong place, I'm sorry if so! It just feels like the right place, because I'm getting worse and worse as time goes by I feel like.

A warning though, before I just go crazy, is that some things I say might be disturbing. I'm not graphic and detailed about things though.

 

I'm not too sure where to start. I think my post is going to be super ranty and bounce around a lot, sorry.

I'm 26. MtF. I have never come out to anyone in real life. It's terrifying. I have an anxiety disorder. And I think (self diagnoses here--) I think I have a personality disorder and paranoia. I feel like I'm at least 3 different people at times. I don't trust anyone, and have to stay anonymous online. My online life and real life are always kept very separated, because I'm afraid.

 

I was abused during my childhood, by my father. My mom got divorced and re-married after some time. I'm the youngest of 5, and my brother, 2nd oldest in my family, sexually abused me when I was very young. Even anonymously I've never said that part. My immediate family are all homophobic, transphobic, and everything. I have a cousin my age, who is FtM, and came out. He's on HRT now, but was immediately like outcasted from our family. My mom's side is a big family and a lot of the more 'good' people are invited for big family get togethers. I specify 'good' people, because the other half of my mom's extended family are gang members, alcoholics, and hardcore drug users.

 

The first time I questioned my sexuality and gender, I was 12. At the time I didn't know the word for it or anything. But I found out that I liked being called a girl, in a loving manner, not a bully "Ha, you're just a GIRL" kind of way. Which is a common insult in my extended family, and from my brother.

 

I don't have a job right now, and getting jobs is incredibly difficult, I think mostly due to my anxiety. I live with my parents, and we get along, because I'm hiding my real feelings. And my mom knows things aren't right. She doesn't know what, but she can tell I'm hiding things or being weird, I guess. I think I'm good at keeping myself hidden, but maybe I'm not? She's the only one that says anything about me being weird or secretive.

 

I have no idea what to do. My life is a horrible mess. Ideally I would get a well paying job, and move away, just leave everyone I know behind, and start over as a new me, being open with who I am. My biggest fear about being 'out' with my gender and sexuality issues is that I wouldn't pass. I know that's a very surface level thing, and it shouldn't bother me so much, but it really does. My appearance means a lot to me. I think my face and body are somewhat feminine, and if I invested the proper money into myself, I could very well pass like that. But my voice is awful. I hate it in some ways. I'm a baritone when I sing, and though I think I have a good singing voice for a guy, it's obviously not what I want, AT ALL. A big problem with getting a job and moving is that I would have to get one job here to save up money, then get a new job when I move. And getting any job is a horrible stressful nightmare for me. I literally shake from my nerves when I'm going to an interview. When I'm actually there, and talking I think I do ok? Like, I can socially interact with people, that's not the problem at all! It's the terrifying thoughts that go through my mind about what if's and maybe's, from the time I get a phone call saying "Would you be interested in an interview?".

 

Sorry. I feel like I'm not even in the right place for this. Like I don't belong here, or anywhere really, and it's not just my gender identity issues, but my mental health ones and everything.

I have horrible thoughts a lot of the time, but rarely about suicide itself.

Please, if anyone has anything helpful to say, I need anything right now. A week ago I was mostly fine, depression-wise, but the past few days I'm just getting worse and worse and worse. I didn't eat yesterday, and I KNOW I should and like my mind knows things, but I just can't motivate myself to act on what I know needs to be done. Sorry again for everything. I hate telling others my problems because I feel like there's nothing that can be done, and it just makes everyone else's day go down. So usually it's better to hold my drama to myself but I just can't right now. I just can't.

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VickySGV

First, welcome to the Forums.  Even though you say you are not suicidal right now, this is still the right place to post this introduction.  I would suggest also joining our Chat Side where we do have a Crisis Chat one on one with a staff member trained in crisis intervention in case you need help faster than we can give it here on the Forums.  What you describe is not much different than what most of us have been through in our lives.  Even knowing that though, your life is yours and not any of ours.  Gender Dysphoria (GD) hits us like a run away train until we get it under control.  You do need to get with a therapist who can help you with the abuse issues and depression problems, and maybe get into the gender stuff soon.  What you can't do is stay in hiding or you will find yourself in a very dangerous place.  It will take courage which hope we can give you a hand with, as well as just being here to talk to you and let you know you are safe in this space, and will be.

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Alex C

Hey NN...Speaking for myself and my experience what you going through is not normal but normal. It's not normal to the outside work, but to you and me it is...You 26 which is great, because now is the time to start making soon choice..I was exactly like you and hid everything until my late 40's and I think it ruin my change of been really happy.  First step..Get some therapy. Spec with Transgender therapist. If you can not afford one  look into A Transgender Center or LGBT center near you. They both  have really great people  at super low cost. Second, avoid the Mirror Enemy Don't list to that voice( It's properly the hardest thing you will have to deal with) but you need to start listing to your friend ( and I know this sounds campy) that inside you. Third , Talk to your cousin she made the jump and properly is feeling the same as you. she can also guide you hopeful to safe place.  Good Sister..Here if you need a ear 

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Alex C

oh and what Vicky said...She kinda really help me when I came into Tp and she know her stuff

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NoNamePlease

Thank you so much, Vicky. Your words really mean a lot to me, and I often saw your inspiring posts when I was looking at other threads here!

 

I don't think the Chat Side would help me much right now, but really thank you for the recommendation! I'm just spending a lot of time thinking right now.

 

I know I need to see a therapist again. The last time I did I was a child, and that left me with a lot of trust issues, because I didn't know she was telling my mother some of the things I was telling her. I have this stupid irrational fear that somehow everyone has like a direct line with my family, and anything I say will make it back to them. So therapists in particular are terrifying.

 

Thank you as well, Alex C! I'm afraid to talk to my cousin as well, because we never really talked before, aside from little bump in's at family gatherings, before she 'came out'.

(And I really apologize if I use offensive terminology anywhere! I've lived in an extremely ignorant environment, which isn't a good excuse at all!)

 

It's just a lot of panicky fear stuff I have, but I'm already feeling more confident with you two being so kind! So really, thank you so much, you probably don't even know how much just this brief chat has helped me!

I plan to *really* join this community at some point, without a silly alias like 'NoNamePlease' omg. That's embarrassing. Anyway though. I want to get my life somewhat sorted first, and be able to function, before I dare to, I guess 'unveil' some of my anonymity. Right now it's comforting just being a name that could disappear at any moment, and I apologize for my rudeness in that!

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Dev
Just now, NoNamePlease said:

The last time I did I was a child, and that left me with a lot of trust issues, because I didn't know she was telling my mother some of the things I was telling her.

 

Hello and welcome!  I'm very glad you've decided to reach out before things get to a crisis point.  It's so much easier to make progress - with all things, not just gender - when you approach it the way you are.

 

The reason I quoted this bit of your comment is that it is common for therapists to make disclosures to parents of children under their care.  That changed the second you turned 18.  HIPAA legally bars any therapist (or medical practitioner, or hospital, or other covered entity) from disclosing any private, personal information to any third party without your express written consent.  When you're ready to see a therapist again, make sure not to list anyone else's name in the intake paperwork - if they have no way to contact anyone, they can't reveal anything by mistake.   And if they violate your confidentiality on purpose, they can face very large fines from the government and/or lose their licenses to practice.

 

Health care privacy is a big deal these days.  :)

 

One of the things you can do - again, when you're ready - is tell your therapist up front that trust is hard for you.  Any therapist who's been working for more than five minutes is used to that and will be able to reassure you in person.

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Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon, and thank you for sharing how you feel and what's going on in your life.  Keeping things inside is never a good thing, and you recognize that, which helps.  Opening up to us here, even if we're all relatively anonymous, is a step in the right direction.  I hope you continue to let us into your life, if even just a little, so we can offer whatever help that we can.  That's what we do around here; offer support, information, and a place to vent.  Anything you need from us, any time of day or night, someone will be here for you.

 

It gets better, hon.  It does.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Sarahnr1
8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

Hello. I just need a place to vent I think. My head is a mess right now, and focusing is difficult. I'm not having suicidal thoughts, so maybe this is in the wrong place, I'm sorry if so! It just feels like the right place, because I'm getting worse and worse as time goes by I feel like.

A warning though, before I just go crazy, is that some things I say might be disturbing. I'm not graphic and detailed about things though.

 

Warm welkome  and  of course youre in the right   place   

 

 

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

 

I'm not too sure where to start. I think my post is going to be super ranty and bounce around a lot, sorry.

 

No need to say youre sorry   

 

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

I'm 26. MtF. I have never come out to anyone in real life. It's terrifying. I have an anxiety disorder. And I think (self diagnoses here--) I think I have a personality disorder and paranoia. I feel like I'm at least 3 different people at times. I don't trust anyone, and have to stay anonymous online. My online life and real life are always kept very separated, because I'm afraid.

 

 

Perfectly understandable.  If you believe you might have Schizophrenia  etc...  & youre   anxiety  getting worse  Its  HIGH time to go see the docs       

 

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

 

I was abused during my childhood, by my father. My mom got divorced and re-married after some time. I'm the youngest of 5, and my brother, 2nd oldest in my family, sexually abused me when I was very young. Even anonymously I've never said that part. My immediate family are all homophobic, transphobic, and everything. I have a cousin my age, who is FtM, and came out. He's on HRT now, but was immediately like outcasted from our family. My mom's side is a big family and a lot of the more 'good' people are invited for big family get togethers. I specify 'good' people, because the other half of my mom's extended family are gang members, alcoholics, and hardcore drug users.

 

Im sorry to read about  youre  terrible  childhood  and i agree  and understand  youre dilemma  in that youre family defenetly seems  NOT  suited  to come out  with all this.

          

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

 

The first time I questioned my sexuality and gender, I was 12. At the time I didn't know the word for it or anything. But I found out that I liked being called a girl, in a loving manner, not a bully "Ha, you're just a GIRL" kind of way. Which is a common insult in my extended family, and from my brother.

 

I don't have a job right now, and getting jobs is incredibly difficult, I think mostly due to my anxiety.

 

Have  you conciderd    trying to get disability due to youre   as it seems  severe  Anxiety  & possible  multiple  other diagnosis  ? & are you on any meds  for this   ?     

 

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

 

I live with my parents, and we get along, because I'm hiding my real feelings. And my mom knows things aren't right. She doesn't know what, but she can tell I'm hiding things or being weird, I guess. I think I'm good at keeping myself hidden, but maybe I'm not? She's the only one that says anything about me being weird or secretive.

 

It wouldn't  surprise me  if she  actually suspect   that you are  in fact TS  BUT  as you say as the  rest  of the  family is  against it  she chose  to  not tell. ALL my family  alredy knew i was   a female  when i chose to come out to them  and they just waited for me to  come out at  as well (usely were NOT that good as we  think at    hiding  )     

 

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

 

I have no idea what to do. My life is a horrible mess. Ideally I would get a well paying job, and move away, just leave everyone I know behind, and start over as a new me, being open with who I am.

 

The first thing you need to do is  go see the docs    and get  evaluated  for possible   more   diagnosis  and get help for those. THEN    if possible  yes   try to find  a  job somewhere else. 

     

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

 

My biggest fear about being 'out' with my gender and sexuality issues is that I wouldn't pass. I know that's a very surface level thing, and it shouldn't bother me so much, but it really does. My appearance means a lot to me. I think my face and body are somewhat feminine, and if I invested the proper money into myself, I could very well pass like that. But my voice is awful. I hate it in some ways. I'm a baritone when I sing, and though I think I have a good singing voice for a guy, it's obviously not what I want, AT ALL.

 

First of all  acceptance  and beauty and being able to " blend  in"   starts  from the  INSIDE  not the outside  (youre voice can be trained ) its all how  confident  you show  youre self  if you look worried   and uncomfortable  then they will  notice   and  possibly react   to it  in a bad way       

   

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

A big problem with getting a job and moving is that I would have to get one job here to save up money, then get a new job when I move.

 

Im afraid  youre right  there   

 

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

And getting any job is a horrible stressful nightmare for me. I literally shake from my nerves when I'm going to an interview. When I'm actually there, and talking I think I do ok? Like, I can socially interact with people, that's not the problem at all! It's the terrifying thoughts that go through my mind about what if's and maybe's, from the time I get a phone call saying "Would you be interested in an interview?".

 

Its pretty obvious to me that you  need to go see the docs  and try to get help for  youre anxiety ASAP

       

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

Sorry. I feel like I'm not even in the right place for this. Like I don't belong here, or anywhere really, and it's not just my gender identity issues, but my mental health ones and everything.

 

If you check my profile you see  i also have  Multiple  diagnosis  so  OF COURSE you belong here      

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

I have horrible thoughts a lot of the time, but rarely about suicide itself.

 

Belive me  i understand  i been having  severe  suicidal  tendencies since i was  little ,  and Bipolar  , Depression etc........   As well 

      

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

Please, if anyone has anything helpful to say, I need anything right now. A week ago I was mostly fine, depression-wise, but the past few days I'm just getting worse and worse and worse. I didn't eat yesterday, and I KNOW I should and like my mind knows things, but I just can't motivate myself to act on what I know needs to be done.

 

DONT give  up  , GO and see the docs  ASAP   and  last  im only a Pm away if you want to talk   you are NOT alone   

 

8 hours ago, NoNamePlease said:

Sorry again for everything. I hate telling others my problems because I feel like there's nothing that can be done, and it just makes everyone else's day go down. So usually it's better to hold my drama to myself but I just can't right now. I just can't.

 

NOTHING to say youre sorry about   thats why were here  to be able to help and  listen and support . and NO   its  NOT better to stay silent  and  trying to  suppress  it all  its VITAL to get it out   and find someway to vent  TRUST me on this.       

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Timber Wolf

Hi,

Welcome to Transpulse!

 

I am so glad you came and opened up to us the way you have. Being alone is not a good place to be with this. When I first found and joined this forum, I went from being alone and scared, thinking about suicide, to discovering I wasn't alone any more. I've never felt comfortable talking with people. But I just couldn't handle this (being transgender) alone. I found caring and understanding friends here, and I am not alone anymore. We never have to be alone again. And we're safe here. That was important to me, and it sounds like it's important to you too. I am very glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

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