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Krisvm

Kris' bio: A ramble

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Krisvm

Hope it is okay as a newbie to try this. Here it goes from the beginning:

 

From a young age I felt uncomfortable whenever things were gendered and would often end up sad and lonely without really understanding why.

 

However, I really realised something was going on when I was around 11. Whenever I saw people presenting androgynously or gender non-conforming I was experiencing what I now realize was gender euphoria. Really strong to the extent I was a scared. I started cross-dressing in secret (taking my mother's things out of the washing basket) and regularly praying to have my gender changed. I did start to research into it and did think I might be non-binary but the information available on the internet at the time was limited and contradictory. After being caught a couple of times I just convinced myself I was just a bit of a perverted teenager and tried get on with my life as best I could (even though I would still fantasize about it).

 

Fast forward and I continued my life with these feelings but just kept making excuses for it. I got married and was dealing with still feeling unhappy a lot of the time. I would still think about it sometimes and would usually be stuck in a cycle of: my feelings overwhelm me, I would start reading resources, in secret borrow my wife's clothes\imagine my body in a more feminine shape, get scared, destroy all evidence, suppress my feelings and hate myself.

 

 Last year at work, I nearly had two nervous breakdowns and so went to see a life coach. First of all they diagnosed me with autism and I worked through a lot of problems from my neurodiversity. Life got a bit better and I was able to deal with situations a lot better. I was still too ashamed to talk about my gender feelings as I assumed these would fade as I dealt with these other things which I actually needed to cope with. 

 

However, I realized my feelings were getting stronger and more powerful, not going away. I would start to find myself staring at women's magazine or just be lost looking at my body in the or face in the mirror and wishing I could make it more feminine. I got so scared I couldn't even sleep and one day at 2 am I found myself in the bathroom browsing websites about it. I found websites and youtube videos on being nonbinary and genderqueer and suddenly they matched everything I had been feeling up til then. 

 

I still wasn't convinced 100% but new I needed to find out. So I first found a workbook on working out your gender identity and also worked with a friend I know who is a diversity rep at a university who does a lot of work with supporting trans students. I was supposed to take longer to do it but I worked through it in about two weeks and had loads of discussions. I eventually concluded, okay I am definitely trans and probably genderqueer\non-binary. I told my life coach and we tried to work together on how to tell my wife.

 

Telling my wife didn't go as well as planned, partially due to my method to reassure her before hand just increased anxiety and partially because it opened up a lot of trust issues that we had that I hadn't told her about this earlier in our relationship. We started going to counselling and we got to a better place. She is now very supportive, often helping me with clothes and makeup (I am still terrible with eyeshadow).

 

I also started coming out to friends I trust and now I usually present how I feel. Last weekend I went out to an event with loads people I knew fully femme and everyone was lovely and supportive. One of the happiest times I have had.

 

I have also stared voice lessons to try to feminize my voice as I find it genders me more than my body.

 

I am still trying to work out my labels and pronouns. These are really complicated for me. And also how to tell my family and work colleagues.

 

 

Sorry for the length. So that is me.

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Charlize

Thank you for your share.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Krisvm

Hugs back and thanks for reading. Felt really good to share it.

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Zoey
1 hour ago, Krisvm said:

She is now very supportive, often helping me with clothes and makeup (I am still terrible with eyeshadow). 

 

Awesome, really glad to hear you have strong support. :)

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Krisvm

Thank you. It took a while but we got there.

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Jani

Thank you Kris.  It was difficult but you're here and moving forward.  Congratulations.

 

Jani

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Puppy and cat

Thank you for sharing your story 

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reyindium

Wonderful that you have a supportive partner Kris. I hope you two continue to grow together.

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