Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

sarahb

Please help me to help my daughter....

Recommended Posts

sarahb

This is going to be a long post so please bear with me...... 

 

My problem is my Daughter who is now nearly 30. She has always had problems at school and socialising. When she was 12 I used to take her to a local drama group and used to let her walk there on her own. I had no clue what was going on until we were informed by the school liaison officer that she had been basically groomed by the owner of a leather shop and she was being abused. She never let on about this at all. I had to go to the police and she gave video evidence but the man was never convicted. Over the years we swept it under the carpet but I still think she was affected. While at school she was bullied and has always been vulnerable. She did go out briefly with a boy when she was 16 but this did not last for various reason, mainly distrust of all men.

 

She came out as a lesbian and then She met a girl who she had a relationship with and this is where the mental health problems started as my daughter was being as toxic as this girl was. During this time and for other reasons, her Dad and me split up. I started an affair, divorced and have now remarried to the man I had an affair with. I am not proud of this, but my son accepted that I was not happy and allowed me to move on. My daughter meanwhile started a very taxing job at a care home just before I left the marital home. She worked long hours and as she was so weak she collapsed. When she woke up she said that I had called a -friendly person- at 12. I deny this but she is adamant. 

 

Over the last few years she has been involved in abusive relationships all with transgender people (I am not tarring all with the same brush) and then she found someone who had same mental heath problems as her but they seemed to support each other.They have now had a major breakup due to toxic issues. Unfortunately over the years she has never really been able to talk to me and sadly I find a lot of what is going on through her public twitter account. In this she talks about how I don't understand what she is going through and how she wants to be a man and doesn't like being deadnamed. She found that I had looked at her twitter, which in some ways was a good thing as it means we don't have to start with total ignorance. I tried to talk about it yesterday and she seems to want me to call her my son and a different name. I am finding this all incredibly hard and I don't feel she is giving me any leeway or slack. I feel like I am grieving and in mourning and I dont know how to deal with my feelings. I cant talk to her dad, as although we are ok on email, he will always tell her that I have spoken to him, even though I do ask for him to be quiet on it. 

 

Please can all of those who have been through this same problem, let me know how they have dealt with it.

 

Thank you.....

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

If your SON has come out and said that that is his gender, then the steps are brutally difficult but simple in structure.  JUST ACCEPT that you have a SON and not a daughter.  The mourning is very real and is to be expected, so I would recommend talking to someone who is a Grief Therapist who also has experience with Gender Therapy, although a Family Therapist will also be a good start.  Finding a local support group for parents of Trans children (even adult children) is another step just as staying here and reading the other posts and topics are.

 

A big item that needs to go is a sense of shame on your part.  Mistakes were made but they are not an anchor to the past, they need to be a springboard for the future.  Your Son's finding and recognizing his identity is a huge wonderful step into the future for both of you.  Now that he is out, the secrecy that apparently has been part of your life can be put behind you and honesty in many way can be the new normal.  The secrecy that kept your son hiding as a female person has been broken.  With the help of the therapists I mentioned welcome him into your life with happiness for him and with him.  Hard as it will be honor him with the pronouns he realizes that he owns.

 

All of this can be lifesaving as we are finding out these days.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 149 Guests (See full list)

    • DeeDee
    • Willa
    • MaryMary
    • DawnD
    • Maid In Bedlam
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      68,336
    • Total Posts
      618,212
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,347
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Park
    Newest Member
    Park
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • MaryMary
      I don't want to be immortal, I don't want eternal life or whatever. To me one of the beautifull part of life is just how little of it we have and how fragile it is. I try to do the most I can with this limited time. I don't want any more time.
    • DeeDee
      Immortality has too many caveats - what if the aging process does not stop? - I don't want to be blind and deaf and bed ridden or in pain for eternity. Vampires at least get to press pause on the aging process and most of them get superpowers like rapid healing, watching everyone you have ever known and loved die and never knowing if you will ever see them again if there is an afterlife - or watching as the world dies out through ecological and climate suicide or chemical and biological warfare or simply a cataclysmic disaster like an ice age or meteor strike leaving you as the lone survivor on an uninhabitable world covered in water or lava or ice. Assuming you haven't been hunted down and locked up in a lab for scientific study now that we live in an age of digital stalking and cctv monitoring everything we do and say.  Sure, for the first few hundred maybe even few thousand years you could work at getting rich, learning languages, trying new cuisine and emerging yourself in all the cultures and how to do or play any hobby that takes your fancy, you could strive to prevent any of the above mentioned disasters from ever happening or set yourself up as a guru or superhero but humans are sociable animals and we need meaningful relationships - could that happen when you start thinking of everyone around you as a pet that will eventually just die and need to be replaced? eternity on your own would just be hell. ⏳⌛ Not that I've put any thought into this lol...🤐
    • Ellora
      Being “Immortal” doesn’t mean you won’t suffer. They could suffer for eternity. I wouldn’t mind being immortal, but I wouldn’t want to suffer for eternity. 
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Its sounds to me that you are wanting to get caught wearing them.   So when you crossdress, is it for personal feminine identity reasons, or for sexual gratification?   Am I right in saying you are Wanting people to acknowledge the fact that you wear these garments. As it gives you some sort of gratification regardless if its a good one or a bad one?   If its your fetish then who am i to dam it. But that acknowledgement will at the start perhaps give you a little kick but the long term effects could potentially be life changing.   I would suspect that even a reply here is an acknowledgement and gives you some form of delight that we have commented.   However if this does constitue that you are trans. I wouldnt say Bi as this in my limited knowledge is not the behavior of someone who is Bi then there are many resources for you.  But I dont think wearing a pair of pantyhose would make you trans either. More sexually gratified perhaps? Perhaps you should look more towald the term Crossdresser. when describing yourself       As the above posters surgest. Talk to someone. Get some aid in your plight.  If Trans is the way forwald for you then alienating yourself by getting caught  is not the way forwald. Being open to your piers before they get the shock of catching you unexpectedly. A well presented debate is by far better for you in the long run rather than a heated arguement brought on by the shock of being caught by someone who did not know or was aware of your compulsion.   Your brother wears Diapers. As Vicky pointed out. This could also be a medical condition and is therefore more openly accepted. Where the wearing of pantyhose. A garment associated with the oposite sex to you is regarded more as a fetish as such. Therefore this is not really a useable excuse to wear the said garments. In saying that the only useable excuse would be you live in the antartic and you wear them for warmth. But I would suspect a good body  undersuit would be a better option.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      I did a poll. A first for me. I hope it works or im going to look stupid 😊   I tried to do something not trans related but more of a moral dilemma.   just as the Title says. If you could be immortal. Would you?   Never having to worry about the Grim reaper coming to take you away.   There is some up sides and quite horrid downsides to it   Im not going to answer  how i feel right away. Firstly because im not sure and secondly i do not want to influence the way you feel However I will list some pros and cons.   Pros Obviously Never dieing, No more suffering Knowing that one of your absolutes is no longer in play. Seeing the world. In say 200 years time and beyond. being able to see what has been achieved. (Not sure if thats a pro or a con)     Cons. Loving but knowing your going to lose that love with time. watching everything you know eventually leaving you and turning to dust. Having to revent yourself every 50 or so years so no one would know your actiually not anything more than a normal human.    So is the gift of imortality A gift from the Gods or a curse from an Evil Fairie? (yes fairys are evil. Unless you subscribe to the frilly nice Disney interpretation)   Please vote in the poll and share your feelings.  I am very interested in what you have to say on this.        
    • benzenemess
      We are three boys In three islands When we were young We wished to die We tried so far But God saved us We then grew up We studied hard God paved a way For us to know We are three boys Straight, gay, and trans Three views of God We are different Matrix of bonds Keeps us as one We are three boys
    • VickySGV
      The Coming Out Forum has a lot of good suggestions for that so go look there first.  Those are ways that have worked.  Until you have checked out resources you are not ready to act on the coming out.    You don't say how your parents reacted to your brother.  If the poor guy has enuresis then diapers or more likely adult undergarments will help all involved. I hope he is being medically treated since bladder problems are nasty.      It is too early to even bother to worry about friends outside of your immediate family.
    • ToniTone
      *laughs like Beavis & Butthead* Heheh, you said bean bag... xp   Thanks gals! I'm having a great time at this house. I'm just being girlier and being me. We're becoming good friends here. They use my pronouns (she/her) and treat me like one of the gals, it's so validating and I love it!    And thanks Charlize. I'm staying strong, the cravings are gone for now. I'm just happy to be where I'm at, and doing just fine without alcohol. I'll keep the chat or you in mind as part of my sober network if I ever need to reach out.    ~Toni
    • Ellora
      I’m sorry that you feel that way about yourself at times, and I totally feel you on this. I referred to the ugly birth defects, that I recently got rid of, using names.  I have always felt my body was alien like, I would walk awkwardly cause I was forcing myself to walk like a boy>man. Now I’m walking the way it feels more comfortable to me. Im feeling a bit better in my skin, but still have a faaaar way to go until I really feel better. The baby steps is what gives me hope. Every little bit helps. I hope you can find Your Hope, and your baby steps. 
    • ToniTone
      My light hearted (but sincere) comment earlier aside, I agree with alot of folks said here. It pronouns might be interpreted as depricating. I'd use some discretion if you choose to use them.    Sometimes I don't feel like a human, like I'm an alien or something. I get extra anxious when the subject becomes gendered. In moments of dysphoria, I've self-depricatingly referred to myself as an it or a (hairy) swamp thing... 
    • RACHEL GIA
      In regards to the physical aspect, my experience has been atypical or aka what was described in the HRT FAQ sheets I was provided and what was described by my doctor during the process of 'informed consent'. My breasts got large enough that I am happy with them but not too big. The tissue is real and I am still getting used to making sure they don't get whacked by an open fridge door. I experienced weight gain in hips, thighs, and tummy and the face softened. I looked at three consecutive years of my busking licenses and in the most recent I noticed the changes. As far as preference, I don't really know but to answer one aspect of the topic, I have always thought that for me, being seductive, seducing or even fitting into a role of being protected or allowed to be more congruent with my inner gender is something I could fall into and feel comfortable and that might be ultimately easier to experience in a traditional relationship as per either a trans man or a cis dude.      
    • Ellora
      If you would like a favorably response, then honesty would be best. If you do things that will knowingly “get you caught,” then you might not get as good as response, if that’s what you want. If this has happened a couple of times, there is a chance they know, and are waiting for you to say something. Have they ever talked about anything that has anything to do with CD and or LGBTQ topics? If so responses? This might give you an idea. How close are you to them? Do you have anyone else in the family, or is close to your family that you can talk to, that might be able to give you some insight? A forced response might not be the best approach. Best of luck! 
    • Ellora
      If people use their pronouns without ill intent, then I would rather use this as an opportunity to educate/inform others for a more positive reinforcement. But with anyone, being outright rude, and or, in a bigoted way, then there is no excuse. Most mature adults know the difference. Unfortunately, there will always be some people out there that do not care. 
    • Park
      Well how would i go about it i mean my brother is way weirder he wears diapers but they already caught him and and he insisted he be aloud to do it should i wait to get caught or just tell them im also afraid of my freinds grandparents and what they might say if in theory i did come out bi or trans
    • Ellora
      Depending on the tea, I would have a better idea of the proper biscuit 😊.  The sun came out for my friend in the east county, as it usually does, but not at the coast at the Del Mar Fair. That wasn’t so bad, until a bit later after the breeze kicked in and we didn’t have jackets ready. We all had a great time tho. Tomorrow will probably be cloudy on the coast again 🙄
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...