Coming out ... as questioning?

[AmberM]

This is something that I have been wrestling with. My therapist and I have talked about how I am still questioning my gender identity, and I have talked about how alone I feel and still feel like I am hiding who I am, mostly with a select group of friends that I have. I have been toying around with the idea talking to one at least in that group about what is going on where I am questioning my identity and who I am or where I am at on the gender spectrum. I kind of feel like it would be nice to have a third person that I know, to know about what I struggle with and be able to be honest and open with them. There is some concern with the normal, will they accept me for who I am, which could bleed over to also more people knowing that I didn't want to know. The second thing I am concerned about is that I don't want to come off as wishy-washy or something like I am seeking attention even though I know it is part of who I am, just not sure where I land yet.

 

Has anybody put thoughts into this when they are/were questioning and exploring who they are?

[Jani]

Only you know how accepting your friends might be from their conversations and such.  Any news can certainly bleed over to others that you may not want to know, at least not yet.  I understand your desire to speak with others but tread carefully.  Have you considered a trans support group where you could interact with others directly who would understand and be able to offer direct support?  

 

Jani

[Kamarka]

For me, I came out to my group of five close friends over a process of three years, one at a time based on who I felt was most receptive and where our relationship was at that point. To the rest of my community, I'm still cishet, so they've kept their silence well. 

Something I did do was little tests to see how they responded to LGBT things in general. Like bring up a topic of conversation revolving around that– for instance, today 'I saw the pride parade on the nightly news'. Something like that. People who are supportive won't stay silent. (Yet my most opinionated friend in general, who I was the most hesitant to come out to, actually has a femme nonbinary sister, come to find out!)

Questioning can take years– and it has for many of us on this platform. I do think you should include maybe one friend on your struggles. Remember, these people know you primarily for your personality (because I'm assuming you've known them for a little while). You're still YOU when it comes down to it, and you're choosing to share a facet of who you are with them, so let them know that. Best of luck, and like Jani said, do tread carefully!

[AmberM]

Jani - I have thought about looking at some local support groups, it honestly scares me on multiple levels. First it seems like since I am at a point where I am questioning, that I do not belong yet. It isn't like I have plans of doing anything besides crossing with some outfits right now, but not all the time. I guess I don't feel 'trans' enough to belong to a in person community.

 

Second, I am scared of somehow it getting out. I am not ready for everyone in the world to know that I am not always comfortable being a male, that there are definite aspects of female that are a part of me, and that want out. Just having a few other people I can talk to about it would be nice. I think that is why your advice of being careful speaks to me so much as well.

[Dev]

Just now, QuestioningAmber said:

I guess I don't feel 'trans' enough to belong to a in person community.

 

I'm just floating through here to say I'm sorry that's the case.  It could be your local community is full of lovely people, but I know there are those who fly their "transer-than-thou" flag and insist people conform to their ideas to be considered "enough."  For what it's worth, we don't tolerate that kind of gatekeeping and exclusion here.  Simply being who you are is enough, no questions asked.

 

When you're ready to meet people locally, I do hope you'll keep in mind that everyone, including you, is trans enough regardless of where on the spectrum or in the transition process you are.  Trans people are certainly marginalized enough without adding to it within the community.  I have to admit I get a little thrill reminding the naysayers of that, or hearing about it when other people do.    

[Kamarka]

38 minutes ago, Dev said:

 

I'm just floating through here to say I'm sorry that's the case.  It could be your local community is full of lovely people, but I know there are those who fly their "transer-than-thou" flag and insist people conform to their ideas to be considered "enough."  For what it's worth, we don't tolerate that kind of gatekeeping and exclusion here.  Simply being who you are is enough, no questions asked.

 

When you're ready to meet people locally, I do hope you'll keep in mind that everyone, including you, is trans enough regardless of where on the spectrum or in the transition process you are.  Trans people are certainly marginalized enough without adding to it within the community.  I have to admit I get a little thrill reminding the naysayers of that, or hearing about it when other people do.    

Oh gosh, that's so true with the trans enough stuff. Sometimes the 'nay-sayers' can get under your skin, especially when you do have a connection to your assigned gender at some points. 

[DeeDee]

I could have written this post when I first joined @QuestioningAmber in fact I'm fairly sure I did write something similar. ? I mostly blogged about it though, so you can read through mine and others questioning here or just trawl through some threads. I still haven't met a local group in person because where I am is a very small community and I am still too scared I may be outed, if not by the group then by someone seeing me attend. I have told only a few people and they have been super understanding with no pressure for me to suddenly turn super camp or femme fatale, but also giving me the space to not have to hide that part of me either. Two weeks ago I actually went out on a night out (in a safe place where I am not known) with my friends as Dee and it was amazing - they were honest that it was a bit weird to start with, but it soon became just a good night out. They are supporting me through my questioning process and if they never see Dee again they wouldn't hold it over me, same if they never saw male me. Whatever I need to do to be happy in myself, having to speak out loud makes you kind of understand your thinking sometimes. There is no rush and no gender identity finish line other than the place you are happiest in. ?

[Jani]

On 6/9/2019 at 12:51 PM, QuestioningAmber said:

Jani - I have thought about looking at some local support groups, it honestly scares me on multiple levels. First it seems like since I am at a point where I am questioning, that I do not belong yet.

Amber I believe you would be comfortable at most meetings that I have been to, so I have faith that anything local to you would be fine.  You don't have to be at a specific point in transition to attend a meeting.  That you are questioning, this would be great reason to attend.

 

On 6/9/2019 at 12:51 PM, QuestioningAmber said:

Second, I am scared of somehow it getting out.

Don't be.  Every meeting I attend starts with a set of guidelines including about how to act/re-act when you see someone in public that you've seen at the meeting.  We don't know how "out" other folks are in the real world so we never mention it. 

 

Having others to speak to and listening to others stories is a wonderful way to get comfortable in real life.  Please consider it. I think you'll like it. 

 

Jani