Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


What could this mean?

Recommended Posts


I have always had a mix of ideas and feelings regarding my identity. I don't know if other people have had a similar experience.


As a kid I remember fantasizing about being a girl on some rare occasions. But also enjoying being a boy. The same in adolescence, and later on.


As a kid I dressed as a woman on two occasions, for carnival, and I remember I enjoyed it a lot. I had memorized how to do make-up from observing my mother, and I did it perfectly on those occasions. I remember I felt proud of myself because I passed really well on that occasion.


But I also had my fair share of moments when I wanted to be the most macho of the kids, but in terms of strength. I never liked getting dirty.


When I was 5, I remember also that a girl said she wanted to be a boy and that she prayed to change. I think I was in love with her, I am not sure, but I do remember that some nights I would say that if she was going to be a boy, I wanted to be a woman. And I prayed to be a woman. It was my secret. Then I stopped doing it.


There's some pictures of me from holidays, and I don't know why but in some of them I was wearing my mother's clothes, it was kind of a game of imitation we did. It's strange because I never picked imitating my father.


also in my kid days, I remember there was an anime called Ranma 1+2 or something like that in which a man that falls inside a pool gets transformed into a woman every time that he gets under cold water (I think). I remember I liked the idea, specially the possibility of being able to switch from one gender to the other one but also return to the original one. And I remember I wanted that, but I was disappointed to find that was not possible.


I also had moments that I truly enjoyed male role models and I wanted to be like them.


I will continue later to write about other annecdotes that I had and have sometimes. The general idea is that sometimes I feel female in short periods of time (in certain aspects), and then I return to feeling male in most others. Which is a bit confusing to me.


Does anyone also experience that?


(I will try to add more details later)

Share this post

Link to post

First I'll si hi :), then I will state that many people like a wide variety of gender expression. You can be cis male and love feminine things and it's ok. It's easy to mix gender expression and gender identity. Then I'll say that your story remind me of non-binary stories so maybe you are non binary?


anyway, good luck on your exploration ;)

Share this post

Link to post
9 hours ago, MaryMary said:

First I'll si hi :), then I will state that many people like a wide variety of gender expression. You can be cis male and love feminine things and it's ok. It's easy to mix gender expression and gender identity. Then I'll say that your story remind me of non-binary stories so maybe you are non binary?


anyway, good luck on your exploration ;)

Hi MaryMary ☺️ thanks for your reply.


I guess it could be what you say.


In some sense I remember I explored the possibility of being an eunuch during my adolescence, but after reading a while I realized it was not exactly that what I wanted. It was more like wanting to be male and female at the same time.


I always have had quite an androgynous body (something that I like about me): although I am tall, I have narrow shoulders, I am thin and don't tend to get much muscle, even when I worked out in the gym and was quite strong. And I didn't have much changes during puberty (my beard didn't grow until I was almost 20, and my Adam apple is not noticable although I have a deep voice). Till I was 18 I remember I liked wearing long hair and my face didn't look much masculine or femenine whithout beard. Old people sometimes would say I was an attractive woman and I had to correct them, and guys my age would sometimes beat me because of my appearance. Still now, that I wear short hair and a beard I can recall hearing some of my neighbors ask between themselves if I am ftm, it's not frequent though.



When I was in love with women, I sometimes imagined myself having their body. It was like I was dressing and all of a sudden I was feeling like my body was her body. Something strange to me, which I shaked of my mind quickly and then and tended to try to think of other things.


I do remember experimenting with my sister's clothes when nobody was at home. But it was on very rare occasions. I did the same sometimes with my exgf clothes. I mostly felt male with my exgf, except when we were intimate or sharing beauty treatments. But I tend to enjoy wearing really classical smart masculine attair.


Also, sometimes is like I want my body to have mixed elements of both genders. For example: female upper body, and male lower body, or the opposite (but always combined with androgynous appearance, nothing supermasculine). Also sometimes I feel like I would prefer to have female genitalia instead, but others I am ok with my male one. So it's kind of confusing to me.


I do remember that I had some moments of exploration at my late teens in which I felt like it would be interesting to simulate my death when I had learned enough about my work sector, and restart a life as a woman at another country working on that same sector but without nobody knowing me. But I think of it just as a recurrent fantasy I had on that period, not something I would end up doing. 

Share this post

Link to post

Being Non Binary or Gander Fluid is nothing to be ashamed of.  They are both valid identities although in some areas they are held under suspicion or some outright dislike at this point in time.  It s a matter of personal identity and while sex may be a part of it, sex is a very minor part that is tacked on at the end.  It is much more important that you be a reliable, productive and skillful member of your community than what your personal appearance is. 

Share this post

Link to post

I was going to say I identify as genderqueer and Non-Binary and I definitely recognise a lot of this. These are all very familiar. 


Also I only discovered Ranma 1/2 last year and fell in love with it. Wish I had read it growing up. 

Share this post

Link to post

Try not to think about the “labels” so much. Find out what makes you happy and learn to be okay with that. That’s all you have to do. Then maybe a label will fit you. But it’s really the journey within that matters. 

I wish you luck in finding yourself. ❤️

Share this post

Link to post
7 hours ago, Kirsten said:

Try not to think about the “labels” so much. Find out what makes you happy and learn to be okay with that. That’s all you have to do. Then maybe a label will fit you. But it’s really the journey within that matters

I wish you luck in finding yourself. ❤️

I second this.

Also, I enjoyed Ranma 1/2 too. Still  have the manga, in fact.

Share this post

Link to post

I'm familiar with these feelings (down to sneaking into my brother's room and wearing his clothes when he wasn't home!), and it took me a little while to not get so anxious about not being able to pin down where I was on the spectrum with the binary. Don't feel obligated to pin yourself down anywhere yet until you're comfortable, whether you feel more masculine, feminine, neither, or anything in between. Even then, it can change! You're free to experiment, to see what feels right. 


The metaphor I use for my identity to explain to friends is that there are two light switches– dimmers, the ones where you can control how much light shines. They do not always have to equal out to one hundred. Just because one is at fifty doesn't mean the other has to complete that. Perhaps you feel the same? Perhaps not. (though this metaphor does imply that I can feel 200% gender– I never excelled at math anyways 😂)


With regards to expression versus identity, I often find that the two do intersect for me, but on occasion, I may combine appearances, try to appear blended– androgynous as you say. I wouldn't call my body-type androgynous by any means. But despite very obvious curves, I've got my broad shoulders, and can build muscle fast, which I've used to my favor (Thanks, Dad!). Yet, even when I'm feeling 'male' on the inside, my gender expression can be softer and leaning more feminine, as it were. I'm not sure if that makes sense considering I'm writing this at midnight, but expression and identity can definitely be exclusive. Maybe you feel like you're a dude rocking a dress! Maybe you feel like you're a woman rocking a suit! You define your own feelings. You attribute your own characteristics to the labels you choose. 


Share this post

Link to post

Thanks for all your replies. I agree with the point of not labelling myself and try to explore it better.


One thing that confuses me as well is that sometimes I feel that if I could press a button to restart my life, I probably would live again my entire life as a female. But there's things I enjoy about living as a male now, and if I look at the mirror I see my birth assigned gender, and it's like, I feel I want to try to live being male, because I feel things will be easier, but at the same time I feel a bit like lying.


At work and outside I like being male, because I feel comfortable this way. I sometimes think that maybe the only place I feel I would want to be a woman is with a partner.

Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 98 Guests (See full list)

    • Willa
    • KeiraC
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • MaryMary
      I don't want to be immortal, I don't want eternal life or whatever. To me one of the beautifull part of life is just how little of it we have and how fragile it is. I try to do the most I can with this limited time. I don't want any more time.
    • DeeDee
      Immortality has too many caveats - what if the aging process does not stop? - I don't want to be blind and deaf and bed ridden or in pain for eternity. Vampires at least get to press pause on the aging process and most of them get superpowers like rapid healing, watching everyone you have ever known and loved die and never knowing if you will ever see them again if there is an afterlife - or watching as the world dies out through ecological and climate suicide or chemical and biological warfare or simply a cataclysmic disaster like an ice age or meteor strike leaving you as the lone survivor on an uninhabitable world covered in water or lava or ice. Assuming you haven't been hunted down and locked up in a lab for scientific study now that we live in an age of digital stalking and cctv monitoring everything we do and say.  Sure, for the first few hundred maybe even few thousand years you could work at getting rich, learning languages, trying new cuisine and emerging yourself in all the cultures and how to do or play any hobby that takes your fancy, you could strive to prevent any of the above mentioned disasters from ever happening or set yourself up as a guru or superhero but humans are sociable animals and we need meaningful relationships - could that happen when you start thinking of everyone around you as a pet that will eventually just die and need to be replaced? eternity on your own would just be hell. ⏳⌛ Not that I've put any thought into this lol...🤐
    • Ellora
      Being “Immortal” doesn’t mean you won’t suffer. They could suffer for eternity. I wouldn’t mind being immortal, but I wouldn’t want to suffer for eternity. 
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Its sounds to me that you are wanting to get caught wearing them.   So when you crossdress, is it for personal feminine identity reasons, or for sexual gratification?   Am I right in saying you are Wanting people to acknowledge the fact that you wear these garments. As it gives you some sort of gratification regardless if its a good one or a bad one?   If its your fetish then who am i to dam it. But that acknowledgement will at the start perhaps give you a little kick but the long term effects could potentially be life changing.   I would suspect that even a reply here is an acknowledgement and gives you some form of delight that we have commented.   However if this does constitue that you are trans. I wouldnt say Bi as this in my limited knowledge is not the behavior of someone who is Bi then there are many resources for you.  But I dont think wearing a pair of pantyhose would make you trans either. More sexually gratified perhaps? Perhaps you should look more towald the term Crossdresser. when describing yourself       As the above posters surgest. Talk to someone. Get some aid in your plight.  If Trans is the way forwald for you then alienating yourself by getting caught  is not the way forwald. Being open to your piers before they get the shock of catching you unexpectedly. A well presented debate is by far better for you in the long run rather than a heated arguement brought on by the shock of being caught by someone who did not know or was aware of your compulsion.   Your brother wears Diapers. As Vicky pointed out. This could also be a medical condition and is therefore more openly accepted. Where the wearing of pantyhose. A garment associated with the oposite sex to you is regarded more as a fetish as such. Therefore this is not really a useable excuse to wear the said garments. In saying that the only useable excuse would be you live in the antartic and you wear them for warmth. But I would suspect a good body  undersuit would be a better option.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      I did a poll. A first for me. I hope it works or im going to look stupid 😊   I tried to do something not trans related but more of a moral dilemma.   just as the Title says. If you could be immortal. Would you?   Never having to worry about the Grim reaper coming to take you away.   There is some up sides and quite horrid downsides to it   Im not going to answer  how i feel right away. Firstly because im not sure and secondly i do not want to influence the way you feel However I will list some pros and cons.   Pros Obviously Never dieing, No more suffering Knowing that one of your absolutes is no longer in play. Seeing the world. In say 200 years time and beyond. being able to see what has been achieved. (Not sure if thats a pro or a con)     Cons. Loving but knowing your going to lose that love with time. watching everything you know eventually leaving you and turning to dust. Having to revent yourself every 50 or so years so no one would know your actiually not anything more than a normal human.    So is the gift of imortality A gift from the Gods or a curse from an Evil Fairie? (yes fairys are evil. Unless you subscribe to the frilly nice Disney interpretation)   Please vote in the poll and share your feelings.  I am very interested in what you have to say on this.        
    • benzenemess
      We are three boys In three islands When we were young We wished to die We tried so far But God saved us We then grew up We studied hard God paved a way For us to know We are three boys Straight, gay, and trans Three views of God We are different Matrix of bonds Keeps us as one We are three boys
    • VickySGV
      The Coming Out Forum has a lot of good suggestions for that so go look there first.  Those are ways that have worked.  Until you have checked out resources you are not ready to act on the coming out.    You don't say how your parents reacted to your brother.  If the poor guy has enuresis then diapers or more likely adult undergarments will help all involved. I hope he is being medically treated since bladder problems are nasty.      It is too early to even bother to worry about friends outside of your immediate family.
    • ToniTone
      *laughs like Beavis & Butthead* Heheh, you said bean bag... xp   Thanks gals! I'm having a great time at this house. I'm just being girlier and being me. We're becoming good friends here. They use my pronouns (she/her) and treat me like one of the gals, it's so validating and I love it!    And thanks Charlize. I'm staying strong, the cravings are gone for now. I'm just happy to be where I'm at, and doing just fine without alcohol. I'll keep the chat or you in mind as part of my sober network if I ever need to reach out.    ~Toni
    • Ellora
      I’m sorry that you feel that way about yourself at times, and I totally feel you on this. I referred to the ugly birth defects, that I recently got rid of, using names.  I have always felt my body was alien like, I would walk awkwardly cause I was forcing myself to walk like a boy>man. Now I’m walking the way it feels more comfortable to me. Im feeling a bit better in my skin, but still have a faaaar way to go until I really feel better. The baby steps is what gives me hope. Every little bit helps. I hope you can find Your Hope, and your baby steps. 
    • ToniTone
      My light hearted (but sincere) comment earlier aside, I agree with alot of folks said here. It pronouns might be interpreted as depricating. I'd use some discretion if you choose to use them.    Sometimes I don't feel like a human, like I'm an alien or something. I get extra anxious when the subject becomes gendered. In moments of dysphoria, I've self-depricatingly referred to myself as an it or a (hairy) swamp thing... 
      In regards to the physical aspect, my experience has been atypical or aka what was described in the HRT FAQ sheets I was provided and what was described by my doctor during the process of 'informed consent'. My breasts got large enough that I am happy with them but not too big. The tissue is real and I am still getting used to making sure they don't get whacked by an open fridge door. I experienced weight gain in hips, thighs, and tummy and the face softened. I looked at three consecutive years of my busking licenses and in the most recent I noticed the changes. As far as preference, I don't really know but to answer one aspect of the topic, I have always thought that for me, being seductive, seducing or even fitting into a role of being protected or allowed to be more congruent with my inner gender is something I could fall into and feel comfortable and that might be ultimately easier to experience in a traditional relationship as per either a trans man or a cis dude.      
    • Ellora
      If you would like a favorably response, then honesty would be best. If you do things that will knowingly “get you caught,” then you might not get as good as response, if that’s what you want. If this has happened a couple of times, there is a chance they know, and are waiting for you to say something. Have they ever talked about anything that has anything to do with CD and or LGBTQ topics? If so responses? This might give you an idea. How close are you to them? Do you have anyone else in the family, or is close to your family that you can talk to, that might be able to give you some insight? A forced response might not be the best approach. Best of luck! 
    • Ellora
      If people use their pronouns without ill intent, then I would rather use this as an opportunity to educate/inform others for a more positive reinforcement. But with anyone, being outright rude, and or, in a bigoted way, then there is no excuse. Most mature adults know the difference. Unfortunately, there will always be some people out there that do not care. 
    • Park
      Well how would i go about it i mean my brother is way weirder he wears diapers but they already caught him and and he insisted he be aloud to do it should i wait to get caught or just tell them im also afraid of my freinds grandparents and what they might say if in theory i did come out bi or trans
    • Ellora
      Depending on the tea, I would have a better idea of the proper biscuit 😊.  The sun came out for my friend in the east county, as it usually does, but not at the coast at the Del Mar Fair. That wasn’t so bad, until a bit later after the breeze kicked in and we didn’t have jackets ready. We all had a great time tho. Tomorrow will probably be cloudy on the coast again 🙄
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...