Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

OlyVersion1

I wish my family would disown me

Recommended Posts

OlyVersion1

This probably sounds selfish, but sometimes I wish my family would just disown me. They don’t understand the transgender community and haven’t even tried to understand. Even though they still talk to me and aren’t hate filled people, I just don’t feel a connection with them and feel so isolated. Our relationships weren’t completely destroyed after I came out, but our relationships still don’t seem the same. 

After I came out, my mom said she would love me and support me no matter what, but a couple of day later, I got up just to hear her yelling at me (for a few different reasons) and explaining to me how I’m not transgender and can never be a boy because of things that she wouldn’t understand the reasoning to. In that moment, I was standing there crying and having a panic attack, and it was worse knowing that she has gone experienced multiple panic attacks before that moment. That is a feeling I will never be able to forget. A few months later, I tried coming out again and explaining my feelings; I got the same words in a calm message version. I was just being influenced by my friends and the rest of society and will never be a real boy. She said we might need to start going to church.

My dad wasn’t that bad. I never got any of the yelling that my mom gave me, I still got the “I’ll love you no matter what,” but I also got told that I’ll always be his princess and I’m not a boy to him. My dad doesn’t seem to want to even build a good relationship with me. A few years ago, he got into an accident from drunk driving. He said he was going to change his priorities, but I didn’t seem to be a priority. I rarely see him; He seems so focused on dating and work. I understand that those are important things, but it hurts when I feel much lower on his list. He’s has a lot to do at work, and I understand that, but I don’t understand other things. He’s willing to text other people both inside and outside of work, but most of the texts I receive have to do with upcoming events or holidays or a school announcement and rarely just a text to have a conversation since we don’t get to spend mucvh time together. He’s willing to invite other people to his house after work, but he’s too tired after work to see me. I don’t see why I care about being at his house; it’s usually him sleeping while I go into the other room and play piano. Last year, including holidays and birthdays, I saw him about 9 or 10 time. There were some times my mom had to beg him to take me to/pick me up from school, but a ride in the car isn’t really spending time together. So far this year, I’ve spent time with him 5 times this year. 

My nana had the worsts reaction when I came out. She told me that I needed to start reading the Bible and going to church. She told me that my mom should have made the choice of home schooling me and that I shouldn’t have the friends that I do. She flat out told me that my friends are dumbing me down. That God made me so smart and I’ve decided to let others turn me into an idiot. I hear her talking about how stupid my community as well as others are terrible. I’ve even heard heard her talking about it with my mom multiple time. One time they were talking about the trans community and how they have a mental illness and need to just accepts themselves. I can’t remember the exact words of my nana’s rant, but my mom was speaking about how she thought she was a boy as a kid because of her big hands. That’s when I realized that neither of them understood. My nana was also saying something about medical professionals and “transgenderism” one time, and has just had rants about thins she seen on the news more times than I can’t count. She did it once just last week.  

The rest of my family hasn’t heard anything about this, but that just makes this feeling worse. It’s either the strong relationships or the weak ones that boosts this thought. I have a happy and strong relationship ship with my grandfather and step-grandmother, and I don’t want to hurt them. They wouldn’t understand if I came out to them, and my other choice is to throw away a great relationship when I’m 18. My weaker relationship is with my grandmother. I can easily tell that I was never the favorite grandchild. She spends more time with my cousins than she does with me. She is also very conservative. If I were to come out, I’d be surprised if I wasn’t disowned.

I know that I’d never stop myself from transitioning, even if I have to sacrifice these relationships. Sometimes I wish these relationships could sacrifice themselves. I wish my mom could get tired of a child who’s apparently being influenced by society and didn’t turn out how she wanted, I wish my dad could forget about his child and just go for his job and the relationship he’s been searching for for years, I wish my nana could be happy with her cishet family, I wish my grandfather and step-grandmother wouldn’t have to deal with losing me when I’m 18, and I wish my grandmother didn’t have to deal with the one who isn’t the favorite who basically goes against her beliefs. I feels it would be so much easier for everyone. I wouldn’t have to deal with the fear, and they wouldn’t have to deal with the me that they didn’t want. 

Again, this probably sounds selfish, but I feel like it would work better for everyone. As much as I love them, I don’t want to stick to relationships that can hurt me in the end; As much as they say they love me, I don’t want to hurt them or make them mad. They say they’d love me no matter what, but most of them have shown me otherwise in some way.

Share this post


Link to post
Kamarka

Dear Oly,

That sounds like such a painful situation. My heart is hurting for you.

I, too, come from a conservative family. I'm not out to them here at 18 and never plan to be. They say a lot of the same things about trans people and the LGBT community in general that hurts to hear. That being said, I've thought about how much or how little I'll have to sever myself from them in order to live my life. For me, and maybe it's because I'm weak, I don't want to be cut off from them. Leading a double life might be my only choice, and it looks like that's what's fallen apart for you. 

You were brave in telling your family. They say they love you, and I think maybe they truly believe they do and are pushing 'tough love' instead of considering your feelings and that you don't feel loved. But if it's hurting, then you're so right to want to not stick to them. That's pulling you out of so many potentially emotionally abusive situations. 

You're not being 'influenced by society' and I'm glad you know that. Transgender people have always been here. We're in every culture across the world, whether we're accepted, or, in the world today, just coming into our own. Heck, I was homeschooled when I was a kid, am still traditional Catholic and still happen to be transgender! 

As we grow up, we'll find people who will support us. We'll find our own families and friends. We'll make new relationships and it will be up to our families growing up to burn those bridges down if they want nothing to do with us. 

You'll find your people. And, yes, you'll be someone's favorite guy. 😊

Just hang on, man, because it does get better. Others like us are living proof of that. 

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

To me it does not sound selfish at all, but I am an older Trans Woman who has been out for many years.  You have known about yourself for a number of years possibly, judging from your profile page, 6 or 7 or more but your family has never really dreamed that you could be what you say. 

 

The Bible does not have the answers they think it does.  I know because I am deeply involved in my church and have studied the Bible at College + levels, and know it for a book that is far different than most people see it.  It actually says for them to love you even if you are Trans or even Lesbian or Gay.  You will not convince them of that however. so I do not recommend trying to refute their version of things. 

 

My suggestion is that since you are here, use us to discuss your feelings and please do  not try to harm yourself.  In your state, you have school counselors who you can talk to in most districts.  Talk to them about how your school work is going and some of the other problems that I know this is creating.  It is only 5 years from now that you will be able to be on your own, and then you can leave them behind and maybe some day come home where they will be amazed at the wonderful person you have become.  5 years is 1,866 days that will actually fly by if you take them one day at a time.  Keep your spirits and your grades up, and talk to us I hope we will be here then.  I just reached my 8th anniversary here as a member and time has gone so fast.  If you have not joined Chat do so.  Our goal is to keep you safe.  I you do feel in danger though, go to your school counselor, a police department or Emergency hospital.

Share this post


Link to post
Motormouth95

My family is mostly conservative, and when I came out, I had similar reactions. That was nearly 6 years ago. Since then, I've had a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" policy with the issue, which means that unless someone specifically asked about something, I don't volunteer any information. Also, I learned how to let things roll off my back and go in one ear and out the other. For my well-being and sanity, I had to. If something cut too deeply, then I would vent to a trusted friend or mentor, but never to my family. 

You do have an outlet here, a place where there is no judgement. Always remember that. It may not be the same as having a physical person, but it does help.

Sometimes, a break of sorts is needed to process events in a relationship. Space can help heal the divide the other person perceives to be there. 

I wish you the best. 

Share this post


Link to post
Kirsten

Oly,  families can suck. For sure. We tent to hold them to a different standard than other people since they are “blood” but the truth is they are only people. Just like everyone else. They have their beliefs. They have their phobias. They have their opinions too. And they even have their flaws. It’s hard to not expect what we do from family. Especially since it’s their teachings that make us feel how we do. But at the end of the day, people are just people. And you have to be able to accept them for who they are just as you want from them to you. It’s sad and difficult when these ideals don’t line up. But it happens. 

 

If they are still talking to you, you aren’t out of options. Educate them. Be patient. Try to get them to seek some therapy help as well if they will. But remember that you can’t control what happens. Whatever happens, you’ll figure it out. Be true to yourself and always strive for greatness and you’ll never fail. 

 

I haven't seen my family in almost a year now. I called and forgave my mother on mother’s day for the awful life they gave me because I have learned that even though they were awful and so wrong, it was all done because they loved me. (Well some of it at least. Some was just because they are bad parents/people in general) It was just wrong. It may not mend our broken bonds, but I’m free to move on now. And I have. And sometimes that’s where the road leads. 

 

I truly hope things get better for you. ❤️❤️

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 92 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryMary
    • MaryEllen
    • QuestioningAmber
    • DeeDee
    • SamanthaC
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,248
    • Total Posts
      625,442
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,822
    • Most Online
      8,356

    theunnamed
    Newest Member
    theunnamed
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • ShawnaLeigh
      Thank you.  I know in time it will get better and I’m normally a very positive person.   I just need to formulate my planB and find some security for my future.  Luckily I have a couple plans to help lower my bill load and allow me to afford to move out eventually.  
    • Krisvm
      I think that may be the same one I am trying to get in contact with!     I know that and that is why I have tried to be patient but now it has been over a month and nothing I am getting a little concerned.
    • Krisvm
      I would say in the longer term try to be patient with yourself. One thing I have struggled with is that I want to keep moving faster and faster but some things do take a long time to work through. Also try to take care of yourself afterwards. Therapy may not seem like it but often you are doing a lot of mental work so a bit of selfcare after can do you the world of good.
    • tracy_j
      I get where you are coming from on this Samantha as my best description is 'I am not a man'. I sometimes think it strange with myself as I have a male body I don't despise, just think it could be better. It works which is the main thing for me.  I agree with Mary in that I am me (Ok a slight twist on her meaning maybe). I am who I am and mentally far more attuned to the set of women than that of men. I did not really ever adapt to male culture either and never understood the 'us and them' thing. I still question myself, but if there has to be a divide I am female. It's not really down to clothes or looks. It is who I am deep inside.   Tracy
    • DeeDee
      I can only echo what others have said Laura - any therapist can only reflect on the information you give them, so be brutally blunt about your feelings and why you are there, and don't expect too much after your first session 🤗 I talked for over 2 hours and the only comment I got was an assurance that this was not a mental health issue and that they would support me as best as they could. I had to stop myself from hugging her as I left lol.
    • Susan R
      Great question and it seemed a deceptively easy one at first until you really think about it in depth.   Speaking only for myself, I believe it has more to do with what I think of myself and what role I have always desired within my circle family, friends, acquaintances and community.   When I was four, I had no interest in being like my dad or younger brother.  I liked what my mom did...being the caregiver and glue within our family.  I desired to be like her whether it was in the kitchen, shopping at the store, taking us places, etc... I also wanted to be like my two older sisters.  They were always doing things I enjoyed and when I was eventually included in their "dressing up" activities, it was then I felt like one of the girls.  I felt like myself as others have stated.  It never changed throughout my entire life.  I pretended it did but I always felt fake when presenting as male.  Now I'm living day to day in my natural role as a women along with presenting as one as well.  I'm known by my family, friends, acquaintances and community as Susan which is how it should have been all along.   Just my 2¢, Susan R🌷
    • tracy_j
      It will get easier in time Shawna. I find in times of stress that keeping very busy helps. I am out like a light.   Tracy
    • tracy_j
      It's interesting you say that DeeDee. I remember a year or two back when in my work clothes (so male) buying some more sporty womens leggings from Topshop and asking the assistant about sizing. She said that quite a few men bought them. It seems to work both ways.   Tracy
    • ShawnaLeigh
      340am.  Can’t seem to get a full nights sleep since coming out to some of my family and my wife.  Still have deeper stress and anxiety about it.  So tired all the time now.   might as well get up and do my work out and get the day rolling.  Coffee soon! i hope everyone has a good day.  
    • DeeDee
      No worries Anna, you are going to need that brolly now we are into winter! I have not been keeping well recently, but am starting to feel better so I intend to start going back out again next week - I have actually missed my morning jogs, and mens running tights are just socially acceptable leggings so it feels nice wearing them out in public too. 😉
    • DeeDee
      I agree with Mary, this is a really good question Samantha. Once you take sex organs out of the equation, because a mastectomy or hysterectomy do not stop a woman being a woman, all you are left with is the gender stereotypes in society (women like shopping, men like fixing cars) which we also know don't mean anything really or we wouldn't be here, and your personal feelings about where you feel most comfortable. But it is definitely a "what does it mean to you?" 😊
    • Josie Beth
      I never understood the stark contrast between the two grandmothers that I’ve had in my life because both of them lived through the Great Depression. The unapologetic one was like many I’ve heard of in that she was afraid of doing without. So afraid that it became entirely selfish. And of course she passed this on to my father who was the favorite and ended up playing favorites, preferring my brother to me. I was the one who was constantly blamed for things my brother did, or for things other school children did.   A couple of examples. My brother locked me out of a building one day when I was about to pee my pants and laughed at me from the other side. I tried to get my mother’s attention by knocking but she was vacuuming so she didn’t hear. I knocked harder and in my panic broke the window. I felt bad enough about it and still peed my pants but I was blamed for everything. When I pointed out that it wouldn’t have happened if my brother had not locked me out, my bank account was drained to pay for the window while my brother wasn’t punished at all. I only had $30 in it but that forced me to close the account while my brother was accruing interest and kept rubbing it in.   Another example was when I was given a basketball in school by another student who scratched their name off and wrote mine on it. I brought it home and happily showed it off to my parents. Instead of them being happy for me they called around and decided that I had stolen it which resulted in a severe beating and the confiscation of the ball. I also got in trouble with the school and still didn’t understand why. I found out later that this “friend” set me up and the ball actually belonged to the school. I didn’t know about how to tell if it was a school ball, I was just a happy kid. But these injustices are still with me and when I confronted my dad about them he didn’t apologize either, he just waved it off dismissively and said he had forgotten all about it. The point was that I hadn’t forgotten about it and I wanted an apology. So when I encounter attitudes like this in people or management practices I just can’t abide by them. Nobody has the right to mistreat someone and then just cling to their arrogance about it.    My maternal grandmother was also in the Great Depression but her memories of that time were far different. She didn’t fear doing without. Her memories were not about being hungry but encounters with comical people who lived nearby. Her whole demeanor was completely different. It was one of benevolence and sharing her love of life. She was not attached to money in a way that harmed others. She spared no expense to show us kids all kinds of wonderful experiences. It was about family not greed. Her attitude was one of plenty instead of despair. I really think this had a lot to do with how much richer her life was and it was always more fun on that side of the family. I actually look up to her and my aunts a lot more than anybody else. Their energy is so much better. 
    • Dannie
      Congrats I love going to my therapist she is my rock Just be truthful and you will figure out what is right for you
    • Dannie
      To me it feels right my wife ask me why I CD? This is before I got married. And I thought about it and the answer is I feel right. This is me the hair the dress the makeup the shoes and of course the breast forms. It’s like I walk around in a black and white movie, and when I dress it’s all color. Like the Wizard of Oz and I’m  Julie Garland off to see the wizard. To get my HRT because I can’t go back to that dark place again 
    • Aidan5
      That comment made me laugh, and it made my day.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...