I wish my family would disown me

[OlyVersion1]

This probably sounds selfish, but sometimes I wish my family would just disown me. They don’t understand the transgender community and haven’t even tried to understand. Even though they still talk to me and aren’t hate filled people, I just don’t feel a connection with them and feel so isolated. Our relationships weren’t completely destroyed after I came out, but our relationships still don’t seem the same. 

After I came out, my mom said she would love me and support me no matter what, but a couple of day later, I got up just to hear her yelling at me (for a few different reasons) and explaining to me how I’m not transgender and can never be a boy because of things that she wouldn’t understand the reasoning to. In that moment, I was standing there crying and having a panic attack, and it was worse knowing that she has gone experienced multiple panic attacks before that moment. That is a feeling I will never be able to forget. A few months later, I tried coming out again and explaining my feelings; I got the same words in a calm message version. I was just being influenced by my friends and the rest of society and will never be a real boy. She said we might need to start going to church.

My dad wasn’t that bad. I never got any of the yelling that my mom gave me, I still got the “I’ll love you no matter what,” but I also got told that I’ll always be his princess and I’m not a boy to him. My dad doesn’t seem to want to even build a good relationship with me. A few years ago, he got into an accident from drunk driving. He said he was going to change his priorities, but I didn’t seem to be a priority. I rarely see him; He seems so focused on dating and work. I understand that those are important things, but it hurts when I feel much lower on his list. He’s has a lot to do at work, and I understand that, but I don’t understand other things. He’s willing to text other people both inside and outside of work, but most of the texts I receive have to do with upcoming events or holidays or a school announcement and rarely just a text to have a conversation since we don’t get to spend mucvh time together. He’s willing to invite other people to his house after work, but he’s too tired after work to see me. I don’t see why I care about being at his house; it’s usually him sleeping while I go into the other room and play piano. Last year, including holidays and birthdays, I saw him about 9 or 10 time. There were some times my mom had to beg him to take me to/pick me up from school, but a ride in the car isn’t really spending time together. So far this year, I’ve spent time with him 5 times this year. 

My nana had the worsts reaction when I came out. She told me that I needed to start reading the Bible and going to church. She told me that my mom should have made the choice of home schooling me and that I shouldn’t have the friends that I do. She flat out told me that my friends are dumbing me down. That God made me so smart and I’ve decided to let others turn me into an idiot. I hear her talking about how stupid my community as well as others are terrible. I’ve even heard heard her talking about it with my mom multiple time. One time they were talking about the trans community and how they have a mental illness and need to just accepts themselves. I can’t remember the exact words of my nana’s rant, but my mom was speaking about how she thought she was a boy as a kid because of her big hands. That’s when I realized that neither of them understood. My nana was also saying something about medical professionals and “transgenderism” one time, and has just had rants about thins she seen on the news more times than I can’t count. She did it once just last week.  

The rest of my family hasn’t heard anything about this, but that just makes this feeling worse. It’s either the strong relationships or the weak ones that boosts this thought. I have a happy and strong relationship ship with my grandfather and step-grandmother, and I don’t want to hurt them. They wouldn’t understand if I came out to them, and my other choice is to throw away a great relationship when I’m 18. My weaker relationship is with my grandmother. I can easily tell that I was never the favorite grandchild. She spends more time with my cousins than she does with me. She is also very conservative. If I were to come out, I’d be surprised if I wasn’t disowned.

I know that I’d never stop myself from transitioning, even if I have to sacrifice these relationships. Sometimes I wish these relationships could sacrifice themselves. I wish my mom could get tired of a child who’s apparently being influenced by society and didn’t turn out how she wanted, I wish my dad could forget about his child and just go for his job and the relationship he’s been searching for for years, I wish my nana could be happy with her cishet family, I wish my grandfather and step-grandmother wouldn’t have to deal with losing me when I’m 18, and I wish my grandmother didn’t have to deal with the one who isn’t the favorite who basically goes against her beliefs. I feels it would be so much easier for everyone. I wouldn’t have to deal with the fear, and they wouldn’t have to deal with the me that they didn’t want. 

Again, this probably sounds selfish, but I feel like it would work better for everyone. As much as I love them, I don’t want to stick to relationships that can hurt me in the end; As much as they say they love me, I don’t want to hurt them or make them mad. They say they’d love me no matter what, but most of them have shown me otherwise in some way.

[Kamarka]

Dear Oly,

That sounds like such a painful situation. My heart is hurting for you.

I, too, come from a conservative family. I'm not out to them here at 18 and never plan to be. They say a lot of the same things about trans people and the LGBT community in general that hurts to hear. That being said, I've thought about how much or how little I'll have to sever myself from them in order to live my life. For me, and maybe it's because I'm weak, I don't want to be cut off from them. Leading a double life might be my only choice, and it looks like that's what's fallen apart for you. 

You were brave in telling your family. They say they love you, and I think maybe they truly believe they do and are pushing 'tough love' instead of considering your feelings and that you don't feel loved. But if it's hurting, then you're so right to want to not stick to them. That's pulling you out of so many potentially emotionally abusive situations. 

You're not being 'influenced by society' and I'm glad you know that. Transgender people have always been here. We're in every culture across the world, whether we're accepted, or, in the world today, just coming into our own. Heck, I was homeschooled when I was a kid, am still traditional Catholic and still happen to be transgender! 

As we grow up, we'll find people who will support us. We'll find our own families and friends. We'll make new relationships and it will be up to our families growing up to burn those bridges down if they want nothing to do with us. 

You'll find your people. And, yes, you'll be someone's favorite guy. ?

Just hang on, man, because it does get better. Others like us are living proof of that. 

[VickySGV]

To me it does not sound selfish at all, but I am an older Trans Woman who has been out for many years.  You have known about yourself for a number of years possibly, judging from your profile page, 6 or 7 or more but your family has never really dreamed that you could be what you say. 

 

The Bible does not have the answers they think it does.  I know because I am deeply involved in my church and have studied the Bible at College + levels, and know it for a book that is far different than most people see it.  It actually says for them to love you even if you are Trans or even Lesbian or Gay.  You will not convince them of that however. so I do not recommend trying to refute their version of things. 

 

My suggestion is that since you are here, use us to discuss your feelings and please do  not try to harm yourself.  In your state, you have school counselors who you can talk to in most districts.  Talk to them about how your school work is going and some of the other problems that I know this is creating.  It is only 5 years from now that you will be able to be on your own, and then you can leave them behind and maybe some day come home where they will be amazed at the wonderful person you have become.  5 years is 1,866 days that will actually fly by if you take them one day at a time.  Keep your spirits and your grades up, and talk to us I hope we will be here then.  I just reached my 8th anniversary here as a member and time has gone so fast.  If you have not joined Chat do so.  Our goal is to keep you safe.  I you do feel in danger though, go to your school counselor, a police department or Emergency hospital.

[Motormouth95]

My family is mostly conservative, and when I came out, I had similar reactions. That was nearly 6 years ago. Since then, I've had a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" policy with the issue, which means that unless someone specifically asked about something, I don't volunteer any information. Also, I learned how to let things roll off my back and go in one ear and out the other. For my well-being and sanity, I had to. If something cut too deeply, then I would vent to a trusted friend or mentor, but never to my family. 

You do have an outlet here, a place where there is no judgement. Always remember that. It may not be the same as having a physical person, but it does help.

Sometimes, a break of sorts is needed to process events in a relationship. Space can help heal the divide the other person perceives to be there. 

I wish you the best. 

[Kirsten]

Oly,  families can suck. For sure. We tent to hold them to a different standard than other people since they are “blood” but the truth is they are only people. Just like everyone else. They have their beliefs. They have their phobias. They have their opinions too. And they even have their flaws. It’s hard to not expect what we do from family. Especially since it’s their teachings that make us feel how we do. But at the end of the day, people are just people. And you have to be able to accept them for who they are just as you want from them to you. It’s sad and difficult when these ideals don’t line up. But it happens. 

 

If they are still talking to you, you aren’t out of options. Educate them. Be patient. Try to get them to seek some therapy help as well if they will. But remember that you can’t control what happens. Whatever happens, you’ll figure it out. Be true to yourself and always strive for greatness and you’ll never fail. 

 

I haven't seen my family in almost a year now. I called and forgave my mother on mother’s day for the awful life they gave me because I have learned that even though they were awful and so wrong, it was all done because they loved me. (Well some of it at least. Some was just because they are bad parents/people in general) It was just wrong. It may not mend our broken bonds, but I’m free to move on now. And I have. And sometimes that’s where the road leads. 

 

I truly hope things get better for you. ❤️❤️