Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

OlyVersion1

I wish my family would disown me

Recommended Posts

OlyVersion1

This probably sounds selfish, but sometimes I wish my family would just disown me. They don’t understand the transgender community and haven’t even tried to understand. Even though they still talk to me and aren’t hate filled people, I just don’t feel a connection with them and feel so isolated. Our relationships weren’t completely destroyed after I came out, but our relationships still don’t seem the same. 

After I came out, my mom said she would love me and support me no matter what, but a couple of day later, I got up just to hear her yelling at me (for a few different reasons) and explaining to me how I’m not transgender and can never be a boy because of things that she wouldn’t understand the reasoning to. In that moment, I was standing there crying and having a panic attack, and it was worse knowing that she has gone experienced multiple panic attacks before that moment. That is a feeling I will never be able to forget. A few months later, I tried coming out again and explaining my feelings; I got the same words in a calm message version. I was just being influenced by my friends and the rest of society and will never be a real boy. She said we might need to start going to church.

My dad wasn’t that bad. I never got any of the yelling that my mom gave me, I still got the “I’ll love you no matter what,” but I also got told that I’ll always be his princess and I’m not a boy to him. My dad doesn’t seem to want to even build a good relationship with me. A few years ago, he got into an accident from drunk driving. He said he was going to change his priorities, but I didn’t seem to be a priority. I rarely see him; He seems so focused on dating and work. I understand that those are important things, but it hurts when I feel much lower on his list. He’s has a lot to do at work, and I understand that, but I don’t understand other things. He’s willing to text other people both inside and outside of work, but most of the texts I receive have to do with upcoming events or holidays or a school announcement and rarely just a text to have a conversation since we don’t get to spend mucvh time together. He’s willing to invite other people to his house after work, but he’s too tired after work to see me. I don’t see why I care about being at his house; it’s usually him sleeping while I go into the other room and play piano. Last year, including holidays and birthdays, I saw him about 9 or 10 time. There were some times my mom had to beg him to take me to/pick me up from school, but a ride in the car isn’t really spending time together. So far this year, I’ve spent time with him 5 times this year. 

My nana had the worsts reaction when I came out. She told me that I needed to start reading the Bible and going to church. She told me that my mom should have made the choice of home schooling me and that I shouldn’t have the friends that I do. She flat out told me that my friends are dumbing me down. That God made me so smart and I’ve decided to let others turn me into an idiot. I hear her talking about how stupid my community as well as others are terrible. I’ve even heard heard her talking about it with my mom multiple time. One time they were talking about the trans community and how they have a mental illness and need to just accepts themselves. I can’t remember the exact words of my nana’s rant, but my mom was speaking about how she thought she was a boy as a kid because of her big hands. That’s when I realized that neither of them understood. My nana was also saying something about medical professionals and “transgenderism” one time, and has just had rants about thins she seen on the news more times than I can’t count. She did it once just last week.  

The rest of my family hasn’t heard anything about this, but that just makes this feeling worse. It’s either the strong relationships or the weak ones that boosts this thought. I have a happy and strong relationship ship with my grandfather and step-grandmother, and I don’t want to hurt them. They wouldn’t understand if I came out to them, and my other choice is to throw away a great relationship when I’m 18. My weaker relationship is with my grandmother. I can easily tell that I was never the favorite grandchild. She spends more time with my cousins than she does with me. She is also very conservative. If I were to come out, I’d be surprised if I wasn’t disowned.

I know that I’d never stop myself from transitioning, even if I have to sacrifice these relationships. Sometimes I wish these relationships could sacrifice themselves. I wish my mom could get tired of a child who’s apparently being influenced by society and didn’t turn out how she wanted, I wish my dad could forget about his child and just go for his job and the relationship he’s been searching for for years, I wish my nana could be happy with her cishet family, I wish my grandfather and step-grandmother wouldn’t have to deal with losing me when I’m 18, and I wish my grandmother didn’t have to deal with the one who isn’t the favorite who basically goes against her beliefs. I feels it would be so much easier for everyone. I wouldn’t have to deal with the fear, and they wouldn’t have to deal with the me that they didn’t want. 

Again, this probably sounds selfish, but I feel like it would work better for everyone. As much as I love them, I don’t want to stick to relationships that can hurt me in the end; As much as they say they love me, I don’t want to hurt them or make them mad. They say they’d love me no matter what, but most of them have shown me otherwise in some way.

Share this post


Link to post
Kamarka

Dear Oly,

That sounds like such a painful situation. My heart is hurting for you.

I, too, come from a conservative family. I'm not out to them here at 18 and never plan to be. They say a lot of the same things about trans people and the LGBT community in general that hurts to hear. That being said, I've thought about how much or how little I'll have to sever myself from them in order to live my life. For me, and maybe it's because I'm weak, I don't want to be cut off from them. Leading a double life might be my only choice, and it looks like that's what's fallen apart for you. 

You were brave in telling your family. They say they love you, and I think maybe they truly believe they do and are pushing 'tough love' instead of considering your feelings and that you don't feel loved. But if it's hurting, then you're so right to want to not stick to them. That's pulling you out of so many potentially emotionally abusive situations. 

You're not being 'influenced by society' and I'm glad you know that. Transgender people have always been here. We're in every culture across the world, whether we're accepted, or, in the world today, just coming into our own. Heck, I was homeschooled when I was a kid, am still traditional Catholic and still happen to be transgender! 

As we grow up, we'll find people who will support us. We'll find our own families and friends. We'll make new relationships and it will be up to our families growing up to burn those bridges down if they want nothing to do with us. 

You'll find your people. And, yes, you'll be someone's favorite guy. 😊

Just hang on, man, because it does get better. Others like us are living proof of that. 

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

To me it does not sound selfish at all, but I am an older Trans Woman who has been out for many years.  You have known about yourself for a number of years possibly, judging from your profile page, 6 or 7 or more but your family has never really dreamed that you could be what you say. 

 

The Bible does not have the answers they think it does.  I know because I am deeply involved in my church and have studied the Bible at College + levels, and know it for a book that is far different than most people see it.  It actually says for them to love you even if you are Trans or even Lesbian or Gay.  You will not convince them of that however. so I do not recommend trying to refute their version of things. 

 

My suggestion is that since you are here, use us to discuss your feelings and please do  not try to harm yourself.  In your state, you have school counselors who you can talk to in most districts.  Talk to them about how your school work is going and some of the other problems that I know this is creating.  It is only 5 years from now that you will be able to be on your own, and then you can leave them behind and maybe some day come home where they will be amazed at the wonderful person you have become.  5 years is 1,866 days that will actually fly by if you take them one day at a time.  Keep your spirits and your grades up, and talk to us I hope we will be here then.  I just reached my 8th anniversary here as a member and time has gone so fast.  If you have not joined Chat do so.  Our goal is to keep you safe.  I you do feel in danger though, go to your school counselor, a police department or Emergency hospital.

Share this post


Link to post
Motormouth95

My family is mostly conservative, and when I came out, I had similar reactions. That was nearly 6 years ago. Since then, I've had a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" policy with the issue, which means that unless someone specifically asked about something, I don't volunteer any information. Also, I learned how to let things roll off my back and go in one ear and out the other. For my well-being and sanity, I had to. If something cut too deeply, then I would vent to a trusted friend or mentor, but never to my family. 

You do have an outlet here, a place where there is no judgement. Always remember that. It may not be the same as having a physical person, but it does help.

Sometimes, a break of sorts is needed to process events in a relationship. Space can help heal the divide the other person perceives to be there. 

I wish you the best. 

Share this post


Link to post
Kirsten

Oly,  families can suck. For sure. We tent to hold them to a different standard than other people since they are “blood” but the truth is they are only people. Just like everyone else. They have their beliefs. They have their phobias. They have their opinions too. And they even have their flaws. It’s hard to not expect what we do from family. Especially since it’s their teachings that make us feel how we do. But at the end of the day, people are just people. And you have to be able to accept them for who they are just as you want from them to you. It’s sad and difficult when these ideals don’t line up. But it happens. 

 

If they are still talking to you, you aren’t out of options. Educate them. Be patient. Try to get them to seek some therapy help as well if they will. But remember that you can’t control what happens. Whatever happens, you’ll figure it out. Be true to yourself and always strive for greatness and you’ll never fail. 

 

I haven't seen my family in almost a year now. I called and forgave my mother on mother’s day for the awful life they gave me because I have learned that even though they were awful and so wrong, it was all done because they loved me. (Well some of it at least. Some was just because they are bad parents/people in general) It was just wrong. It may not mend our broken bonds, but I’m free to move on now. And I have. And sometimes that’s where the road leads. 

 

I truly hope things get better for you. ❤️❤️

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 70 Guests (See full list)

    • NB Adult
    • Petra Jane
    • MaryMary
    • JenJen
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,031
    • Total Posts
      623,418
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,723
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JenJen
    Newest Member
    JenJen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Brienne
      Brienne
      (47 years old)
    2. ShyAshley
      ShyAshley
      (33 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaryMary
      very beautifull song
    • NB Adult
      Wow, absolutely stunning and not at all surprising that boyfriend would be proud to have you by his side! I'm sure that happy look on your face and beautiful smile lit up the entire room.
    • Debra Michelle
      Part of our making money in our towing yard business,most of them were a huge pile of junk.Junkyards bought them.We get one junkyard that comes in buying 10 to 12 vehicles,good to us and says I am a great auctioneer
    • Jani
      That's the way it should be! 
    • NB Adult
      Heck of a business, but clearly it has it's bright upsides!
    • Debra Michelle
      Busy this morning,had an auction at our towing yard.Auctioned off 50 vehicles,5 court seizures and rest of them abandoned.One bidder threw me off a bit,one of the bidding assistants caught it at the right time.He was told to leave and told not to come back ever again.Did it to me twice and this was his third time doing it.One employee of mine was there,she bought her 16 year old son his first car which was a 2001 Chevy Cavalier 4 door.Runs good and her son is satisfied with it.Two bidders were in a bidding war on a 2016 Jeep Wrangler,a court seizure.Court is going to be happy,they are getting a good chunk of money.
    • Ashlee
      Thank you ladies! I am truly enjoying life now! 
    • NB Adult
      Michelle, being open and available to others is the key to being able to lose our own natural propensity for self consciousness that is sometimes all consuming and becomes the ruination of potentially good experiences out in public and even with friendships. It also serves to drive away the dark clouds of depression that we sometimes fall into when we become overly self absorbed with our own negative self image. Most people don't see us as we do and aren't nearly as critical as we tend to be of our own selves.
    • Jackie C.
      Well you might have. Women mechanics and women who ride are HAWT. So at least it would have been in a good way.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Huzzah for helping people! I've had a couple of people stop me and tell me how brave I am, but I don't think I've ever inspired anyone to get help. Well done!   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      @Krisvm You look great! I'll bet you feel pretty good too. There's just something about being right... also I'm jealous as heck of your waistline. Work it girl!   Hugs!
    • JustineM
      Belated good morning everyone! Been on vacation this week and have the dreaded drive home tomorrow. Just relaxing today and a wedding to attend this evening. Hope everyone has a lovely day
    • Josie Beth
      I’ve known other transgender people throughout my life who only question why they have to go through the struggle of becoming someone that people see and respect as the gender they feel like. Many of us have come to the realization early on but some later. Whether it’s personal trauma that starts this introspection or just not feeling correct in the gender we are assigned, it’s a very personal thing. I’ve also encountered very few people who have said they detransitioned willingly but usually they were ftm. This idea that trans trenderism is the only reason people are transitioning is from people who oversimplify everything. But the truth is that since we live in a complex world that complicates things for us, there’s no easy answer for anything in life. Even though I knew from a fairly early age that something wasn’t right I didn’t know what to call it. But once I did it was this realization that “this is possible” and a sense of relief that there was a way. That was around 16, but it took another 14 years of personal struggle and ignoring certain cues because of social pressure until I finally found that HRT was the only thing that chemically made me feel normal. Then when I went through a bunch of craziness for another 16 years that prevented me from continuing my HRT I was devastated, tired, broken, struggling and unsatisfied with my life. I just didn’t realize it again until everything came crashing down on me and I grieved for what seems like weeks. So now after taking the long way around back to the same thing I so easily accepted about myself earlier in life I decided to stop running from it, procrastinating, or trying to fit this false image others have of me. While it’s never too late to begin, it’s also futile to try explaining it away because it’s something that won’t go away. It lingers. It’s constantly in the back of my mind. And it’s not necessarily the need to present feminine and that’s it. It’s so much more. When I looked at my personal thoughts, attitudes about certain issues, my opinions, how I view love and other people, relationships, it really sunk in that my mind is female already.  So now it’s just a matter of aligning the rest of me. Is it more difficult than if I had not been so dense about it at 18? Sure. But it’s something that I’m deeply compelled to pursue. It’s very much a spiritual journey with physical aspects. My life is an object lesson. Not about learning too late, but what happens when I let others question my deep seated sense of myself and stop listening to the inner voice that knows better than they ever will. It’s not really for me to find out why it seems so prevalent today. What is important is being who I really am. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself because I don’t see what I want: dysphoria. But some days I see the girl that has always been there. It’s those days that I feel encouraged and renew my determination. To put it in perspective, I don’t have any real life transgender friends around me for support. It’s been difficult to fit the groups and other social activities in for the past year. So nobody can say that what I feel is a result of mimicking others. On the other hand I do find comfort and social interaction with other trans women here and in the discord chat. I come here for the more thoughtful outlet and go on discord for the fun, silly chat where I can laugh and be just one of the girls. They definitely fill a void. Anyway I can be very wordy so I’ll stop writing for now. Just know that what you feel inside is more important than the costumes others try to put you into. 
    • Robin
      Hi Alex,   I am glad that you have joined us.   Robin.
    • Robin
      Hi Nina,   I am glad that you have joined us.   Robin.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...