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Amy LeBlanc

Remembering from when I thought I was a crossdresser but I was actually Trans

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Amy LeBlanc

So I was just remembering when I thought that I was a crossdresser way back when and what it felt like but also remember howit just did not feel like cross dressing but it felt like my natural self.  But I then remember cause I was not out how I have done alot of purging cause I just thought that crossdressing was not right and then also I was questioning but yet knew that I was a woman, but was afraid.  So I can remember purging.  I can remember how I have purged like 4 times before I then really started sitting down and thinking and found a actual gender therapist to then find out that all my feeling and everything and all my hidden little things I did when I was little was not the fact that I was a crossdresser but I was more of an actual woman.  That is when I was introduced to the term Transgender.  But I never knew Transgender.  I just always thought that I was born different and that I should have been born a girl not a guy and I need to fix myself to be the girl I should have been.  That is when my therapist was saying that is Transgender and whoever told me that I was a crossdresser was incorrect.  But I was just remembering how I started and the fact that I thought that I was a crossdresser at first but have purged alot of my clothes and everything in the beginning.

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Kirsten

Purging. Blech. I went thru that. Lost some of my favorite stuff too. Not that it’s age appropriate at this point anyways. But I had this mermaid style dress that was open to the belly button in the front and to the crease of your butt in the back. It was dark red and glittery. And I have 6” stilettos to match. Oh what I wouldn’t give for that dress back. I could finally fill it out somewhat. Ugh all the shoes. All gone. So much money wasted. I think I only purged once. But my parents got me a couple times when I was a kid, had two exes purge everything too then they left. And I did it once when I met a girl in my 20s cause I was sure she was the one. Till the day she wanted me to dress up for her.  That killed 5 years of not dressing. (Longest ever stretch since I was born really) and she left a year later. 

 

I will say i never thought i was cd tho. It was always more than that. But I didn’t know what trans was. Hadn’t even heard of it. Not even in therapy. Weird. I never really thought of that. I just thought I was broken. Destined to be sad alone and depressed forever. Guess I was wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️😜

 

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Astrid
6 hours ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

So I was just remembering when I thought that I was a crossdresser way back when and what it felt like but also remember howit just did not feel like cross dressing but it felt like my natural self.

 

Yes!  A key difference for me being, I didn't feel that I was male once I changed back to male clothes.  

 

Astrid

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Ellora

I never thought I was a cross dresser. To me CDs just wanted to dress like another sex, not be “another sex.” 

Ive always felt I was female, and didn’t understand why I looked male. I couldn’t do anything about it, as far as I knew, especially back in that time. I didn’t really have any info or references. I didn’t dare due to family and “friends.” 

It wasn’t until my failing marriage, did I start to think about it more, especially after the divorce. Then it took a while until I lived alone , did I start to try and dress like a women and act more feminine. Amazon was a blessing, then it took off, and I started to looked past the clothes and sexual part. I  did the herbal thing, creams and pumps. 

But I knew there had to be more, and I also didn’t like the word “Trans,” cause to me I was a women, a women with “birth defects.”

Now I’m embracing the word Transwomen, because even tho I’m a women, it has helped me get to where I am now. By finding the information on transgender people, and sites like this one (mostly this site.) It gave me courage to make the first steps and getting doctors and therapist that are helping with my Journey. 

It’s been a long road to get to where I’m at, and now my head is spinning from how fast  I have come. 

I purged my boy clothes not too long ago, I got rid of my women clothes once, but it wasn’t a lot, mostly long socks, and some clothes, but nothing good, wheew. Now I’m at 95% women’s clothes and 5% men’s clothes. Until I come out, I will probably keep the 5%, Until my hips grow, no sense throwing out the only 5inch seam shorts out there that cost only $12 ar Walmart 😂. I’ve found some shirts that aren’t that bad either. My gender dysphoria has decreased a hundred fold this week. It’s still there, but a ton better!  

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Amy LeBlanc

The whole reason why I thought at first that I was a crossdresser was cause when I lived in California, I went to see a therapist and it was not the correct therapist.  I was seeing just a general therapist and that person did not have any true background or knowledge on the LGBT at the time.  This was back in 98, 99, 2000 when I tried seeing a regular therapist when living in California and I was trying to figure myself out cause I knew that I was born in the wrong body.  I was always stealing my sister's clothes for me as I hated my clothes.  When I started working is when I started to buy my own clothes.  I can also remember hiding and back then taking a knife out and contemplating on chopping off my birth defect.  I was trying everything when I was in the closet and I was living at home to modify my body to be a girl cause I was a girl, but the general therapist was like oh your a crossdresser and oh there is nothing to be worried about with taking a knife and wanting to cut it off.  Your just a crossdresser.  So for the most part I just had in my head that I was a crossdresser thanks to seeing the wrong therapist who know nothing and I did not know about Trans or anything like that.  But I still had thoughts on wanting to chop off my birth defect and that I was a girl and I knew that I was a girl and I believed thanks to seeing the wrong therapist that I was a crossdresser.  It was not till I moved to PHX and I was living alone that I really started to research and tried the self diagnostic on what am I.  Cause I was a women but why was I told that I am a crossdresser when I am a woman and I am born in the wrong body and I want to chop off my birth defect.  Well, doing self diagnostic is the worst way to go.  So I was like, I need to find a therapist and I want to find a specialized therapist for the LGBT community.  That is when I found my current therapist and told her the same things that I told the general therapist and even told her about my thoughts on taking a knife and have been wanting to just cut off my birth defect cause I knew that I was a girl and I need to fix myself to be a girl on the outside.  She then knew that I had sign's of extreme dysphoria and that I was Trans.  That is when I learned about being Transgender.  She also helped me out with a few of her own style little test to confirm that I was a girl.  And sure enough I was and I have scared my therapist and I still scare my current therapist every time I have a break down and just go and grab a knife and come close to wanting to chop off my birth defect.

 

So in the end, I have realized that I went to see the wrong therapist who did not know much about the community and just said that I am a crossdresser and did not really pay attention to me with what I told her.  Now that I have found a good gender therapist that I have been unraveling everything and realized that yes I have GD and that I am a girl and that yes we need to keep the knives out of my hands and need to get me fixed.

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Makayla2019

Hi all,

 

i am am really interested in the quote from Astrid. 

9 hours ago, Astrid said:

Yes!  A key difference for me being, I didn't feel that I was male once I changed back to male clothes

 

How does one really determine that?

i have been working with my therapist toward accepting I am trans but I still have a deep fear that I am indeed just a CD. 

 

Part of of me being male is just something you learn to live with but I do not get the enjoyment or calmness or feelings I do when I see myself dressed. More recently I have been more taken with just seeing pics of me made up more than the clothes and that too gives me the sense of fulfilment. 

 

What still worries me that I am CD is the fact anything to do with being trans or dressing femme is arousing. That is leading me to question my assessment. 

 

I find my sexual fantasy is always of being dominanted either by a another female but more so a male. 

 

All these thoughts  happen when j am not in female mode. But not when I am. 

 

Seriously confused

 

m

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Kirsten
6 hours ago, Ellora said:

I purged my boy clothes not too long ago

I kept a good bit of my old clothes. But they’re things like sweatshirts and jammies and athletic pants. I’m slowly putting some things back into my wardrobe. Some because I don’t have much when it comes to clothes. But also because they’re comfy. Girls wear guys clothes all the time. I’m glad I just packed all my clothes away for a yard sale vs throwing them away. I’m happy to have some of my comfy pants back. And I don’t feel any less female in them anymore. Which is very nice. 

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Charlize
5 hours ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

Your just a crossdresser.  So for the most part I just had in my head that I was a crossdresser thanks to seeing the wrong therapist who know nothing and I did not know about Trans or anything like that.

I remember the days when that was seemingly the only option.  Perhaps it was due to the strict actions and expectations of my parents or due to the pressure caused by hormones and society.  I grew up in the late 50's and early 60's and between laws that criminalized dressing in another genders clothing and the term "sissy" that i was always scared of there was no chance to even consider changing gender.  

Being "just" a crossdresser was "bad" enough.  

Today i understand the need for folks to crossdress.  For many that is enough for whatever reasons.  I would never use the word "just".  One of the reasons i loved this site was that all people with gender issues are welcome. 

When i transitioned i pretty much emptied my closet and drawers of his clothing.  I still have some great chamois cloth shirts that i love.  

Most women "cross dress" much of the time and a few boy friend shirts are lovely(and warm).

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Charlize
4 hours ago, Makayla2019 said:

i have been working with my therapist toward accepting I am trans but I still have a deep fear that I am indeed just a CD. 

Please never think of being "just" a CD.  There is no hierarchy in the gender spectrum and despite the feelings that some mention the "just" is as negative as any anti trans rant.  Please let that go and enjoy your journey without pressure to be anything other than what you are!  We hopefully go to therapy more to accept ourselves than to change ourselves.

If you transition fine, if you dress fine, if you put gender issues aside and rest for a bit that's also fine.  No path is "above another".

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Astrid
5 hours ago, Makayla2019 said:

i am am really interested in the quote from Astrid. 

16 hours ago, Astrid said:

Yes!  A key difference for me being, I didn't feel that I was male once I changed back to male clothes

 

How does one really determine that?

 

For me, once I came out to my spouse, I could do what I had wanted to do for ages...dress in clothes that **I** felt comfortable in.  It's been a little over a year now, and I can't recall a day in six months where I didn't wear something femme.  Most days I am 75% to 100% in women's clothes.  I finally can be openly interested in styles and colors and sizing and shopping etc.

 

The few times I might be in all outwardly guy stuff (such as for mowing the lawn), I am so happy to finish, take a shower, and return to the clothes I want to wear.  So, wearing all-male clothes outfits is now a complete bummer for me.  I strive to wear something femme (if not entirely) in my visible outfits when I'm out and about.

 

Lately I've started including accessories such as necklaces for wear around the house.  Not quite ready to do that for grocery store visits, but one step at a time... 🙂

 

Hopefully the above provides a little bit of explanation for your question about how I determined that.

 

Astrid

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lauraincolumbia

Wow! This conversation hits home in so many ways.  I question regularly if I'm a CD or TG.  I certainly don't want to go back to men's clothes when dressed in women's clothes.  They don't feel right.  Unfortunately, daily life requires it.

My therapist is my wife and my couple's counselor.  She's pretty good, very well educated, experienced, but not a gender counselor.  Lately, I've been wondering if I need to see a dedicated gender counselor....

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Kirsten
Just now, lauraincolumbia said:

Lately, I've been wondering if I need to see a dedicated gender counselor....

I used to question this as well. After years with therapists and 6 months with a “gender” therapist, I am sure that a gender therapist is a must. Mine has been priceless. She’s helped me find good surgeons. She’s helped me get new doctors. She’s helping my wife now as well with her transition related issues. Knowledge is so important. And a non gender therapist in my experience just doesn’t get it the same. They can’t challenge your thoughts and ideas the same way. I highly recommend finding a gender therapist. It’s so much different. Literally black and white kind of different. Plus if you do decide to fully transition you’ll need letters. Letters for surgeons. Letters for insurance companies. And you’ll be much better off with someone that knows what they should be writing. 😉

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Makayla2019
5 hours ago, Astrid said:

 

Hopefully the above provides a little bit of explanation for your question about how I determined that

 

Thanks Astrid. That does make sense. I guess my real problem is that I have not opened up to this with anyone other than a therapist. I feel like I really want to let go and tell my wife but am scared of the results. Am working with accepting this is just me. But not easy. And I find it’s gets more difficult as the feelings intensify. 

 

6 hours ago, Charlize said:

Please let that go and enjoy your journey without pressure to be anything other than what you are!  We hopefully go to therapy more to accept ourselves than to change ourselves.

If you transition fine, if you dress fine, if you put gender issues aside and rest for a bit that's also fine.  No path is "above another".

The just being CD is I guess part of my rational or justification for having a problem as I see it. It’s like I feel I can cure that bit but as the more I have accepted this is me the more I feel I need to be me. Or want to be me. 

This journey to acceptance has lessened this association to a sexually driven desire but I am also finding my libido with my wife is plummeting with it. I not sure what that is saying. 

Best

M

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