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TheFirstEvan-Ger

Trans without the "typical" childhood backstory

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TheFirstEvan-Ger

Hello! Coming out to my family and community, I feel a lot of pressure to be absolutely sure of my identity and never express my doubts, but lately I've been digging into the depths of youtube and seeing all kinds of trans people's stories of how they figured out they were trans and none of them sound quite like mine. I've always felt a little weird about my assigned gender, and especially about the fact that society asked me to do "feminine" things, even feminine things that I actually would have liked doing without gendered connotations. For example, when I was a kid my grandma used to invite me to do "women's work" in the kitchen, and while I would have 100% preferred baking to going out in the cold snow I would argue that I should go be with my male cousins just because I resented the idea of being forced into a female role. My male cousins would be taken on hunting trips and while I hated hunting I would ask to go just because I wanted to be one of the boys. I have always been more comfortable with being perceived as male and gotten excited when someone "mistook" me for a boy. I wanted to join the boy's choir instead of the girl's choir. I hated being called a girl (though if you asked what gender I was I would have said female).

 

It all does seem like a pretty typical trans guy story when I write it down, but at the same time I was initially excited to get boobs around puberty (though as soon as they appeared I realized they disgusted me and wanted to give them back) and to get my period (though once it came I resented it and felt disgusting while I was having it). My favorite book and movie characters were always female (I loved Hermione more than Harry Potter, Jean Grey more than Wolverine). All of my best friends were girls because I didn't want to run around with the boys, I wanted to talk and make up fantasy adventures instead. I actually liked wearing dresses and never resisted being dolled up for a special occasion. Writing them down they seem like minor things, but they've been worrying me lately.

 

I'm not quite sure what the point of this post was except that I wanted to get it out since I can't do that around friends and family here without them doubting that I'm really male. I guess deep down in my heart I kind of want someone to reassure me that I am really trans and that I'm not misinterpreting some internalized misogyny or some such. Thanks for reading if you read this far, I love you!

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MaryMary

I often say that to me coming out and transitionning was never about rejecting masculine things to be a cliché on the other side. I'm only expending myself. I was stuck in 30% of myself before and now I can wander where a want in the whole 100% :P Some people can do a lot in that 30% but at some point it doesn't work anymore. At least, that's my way of seeing it. I think that there's common points in most of the stories but we all have unique life stories anyway.

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TheFirstEvan-Ger
41 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

I often say that to me coming out and transitionning was never about rejecting masculine things to be a cliché on the other side. I'm only expending myself. I was stuck in 30% of myself before and now I can wander where a want in the whole 100% :P Some people can do a lot in that 30% but at some point it doesn't work anymore. At least, that's my way of seeing it. I think that there's common points in most of the stories but we all have unique life stories anyway.

Thanks Mary, that actually makes a whole lot of sense! I like looking at it that way!

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VickySGV

First: you are Trans simply because you have questions about how you fit into the gender you were assigned at birth and have felt the force fit into that gender, and want to be free of that outward force.

 

Next: No two Trans people have exactly the same pattern of getting to know ourselves, and there is no single solution as to what our lives must be like as we live into our differences with what others are trying to stuff us into.  

 

Your journey into this must define YOU and identify YOU and to heck with all the others.

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TheFirstEvan-Ger
Just now, VickySGV said:

Your journey into this must define YOU and identify YOU and to heck with all the others.

Thank you Vicky! I just guess my real concern is what if I start T and find out I'm not really trans. I know it might be a silly worry because I love the idea of every part of T, but it's one that bothers me a lot.

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VickySGV
3 hours ago, TheFirstEvan-Ger said:

my real concern is what if I start T and find out I'm not really trans.

 

A little conundrum there is that T may  not be right for you, but you will know it early enough that little or no harm will be done.  In fact hormones are occasionally given as a diagnostic tool by some doctors.  The deal there is that even if the T is not helping you, you may still be Trans.  I have a ton of friends who are not on hormones but are Trans to the max and are having a lot of fun in life as well as living just generally good lives.

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TheFirstEvan-Ger
Just now, VickySGV said:

T may  not be right for you, but you will know it early enough that little or no harm will be done.

Vicky, thanks so much for all your advice! I'd really love to hear more about your thoughts on this if that's alright! It was my impression that a lot of the changes from T are fairly permanent and can occur pretty early. Have you heard differently?

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VickySGV
Just now, TheFirstEvan-Ger said:

Have you heard differently?

 

One of the first effects of hormones are a feeling that they are RIGHT for you and that kicks in pretty fast or if it does not the World Professional Association of Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards Of Care V7 have a chart that puts onset of the noticeable growth effects at 3 to 6 months and the people I know who opted out did so in that time range, although your body may go slower or faster.  Your endocrinologist will be monitoring you the whole time and will be able to help you set a decision period on how they are working, along with your Gender  Therapist.  That is why Transition is a medical teamwork situation.

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TheFirstEvan-Ger
Just now, VickySGV said:

 

One of the first effects of hormones are a feeling that they are RIGHT for you and that kicks in pretty fast or if it does not the World Professional Association of Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards Of Care V7 have a chart that puts onset of the noticeable growth effects at 3 to 6 months and the people I know who opted out did so in that time range, although your body may go slower or faster.  Your endocrinologist will be monitoring you the whole time and will be able to help you set a decision period on how they are working, along with your Gender  Therapist.  That is why Transition is a medical teamwork situation.

Thank you! I really appreciate this information!

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reyindium

You can be a guy and wear makeup and dresses. You might just be a guy who enjoys crossdressing? Nothing wrong with that.

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ChickenLittle

Hi Evan--

 

I had a lot of the same worries when I first started my transition. I remember feeling so much pressure to be completely sure of myself, but I never really was. And that's OK! I decided I would take things one little step at a time and if anything felt wrong, I would stop there. Two years later I'm on T, have had top surgery, and I'm happier than I ever would have imagined. 

 

Testosterone doesn't have immediate effects. In fact they're really subtle at first. The body hair growth is irreversible (unless you get it removed) but in my experience it takes some time to start growing, especially facial hair. And voice changes take quite some time, as well. So if you start hormones and decide to stop them because it doesn't feel right, that's always an option. 

 

If you ever want to chat feel free to send me a message! You're not alone :) 

 

--Kendall

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hmillerrr
On 6/16/2019 at 9:14 AM, TheFirstEvan-Ger said:

It all does seem like a pretty typical trans guy story when I write it down, but at the same time I was initially excited to get boobs around puberty (though as soon as they appeared I realized they disgusted me and wanted to give them back) and to get my period (though once it came I resented it and felt disgusting while I was having it).

I have to say I related to this in some way. But I saw a post on Tumblr that changed my perspective and it said something along the lines of ' I was excited to get the typically female parts because I thought maybe it would get rid of this feeling of being in between or different my whole life'. It was more profound and better worded than that but out of all the great and wise things I've related to; that stuck out the most for me. I don't know that's just a thought to ponder. I can't decide who you are for you but maybe this could help see things differently. Whatever you find, you're supported no matter what. 

          - Trevor

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NB Adult

Good introspection on your part Trevor, so often we are emotionally driven to make changes and get sliced and diced before giving it adequate thought about the long range implications and all the what-if's we will have to deal with. Sometimes it's best to take a long time to sort through all of those potential pitfalls before setting oneself up for future regrets. 

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