Is this even real life?

[Probably Autumn]

Is it normal to feel like this whole process of coming out to yourself and others is surreal or almost like a dream? I’m beginning to gain confidence and feel like I really am a woman, which makes me want to come out to people more. But it feels so strange that this is even happening to me at all. I lived through so many years of my life knowing trans people exist while assuming I was cis with only a few occasional lapses. Being transgender was something that happened to other people, but not me, until it simply did. 

 

Who else felt their coming out to themselves felt surreal or hyper-real? I want to tell more people but it’s hard when I keep oscillating between being sure and doubtful.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Pobably Autumn,

It is extremely normal to feel that way. One thing that helped me was the knowledge that a cis gender man does not want to be a girl. If we feel a persistant desire and need to be a girl, we're pretty certain to fall somewhere on the gender spectrum other than cis gender.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[Astrid]

Hi, Probably Autumn!

 

I'd suggest reading as much as you can about gender nonconformity and how what you're feeling is indeed completely normal.  I found this book (by two U.K. authors) to be helpful:  How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are (Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker, 2017).  There are plenty of exercises you can work through, as well, which I found helpful.

 

Astrid

 

 

[Kamarka]

Gender Euphoria is a powerful thing ?

[Robin]

Hi Probably Autumn,

 

I can definitely relate to the feelings that you describe.  Being transgender is something that none of us were taught to prepare for, and there is no way of knowing quite what to expect.  Some people say that such thing doesn't even exist, which is not helpful when we are trying to figure out our feelings.

 

I am finding that being trans is becoming more normal for me now, and the world hasn't ended.  I am now just a much happier version of me.

 

Robin.

[tracy_j]

It sometimes feels like that. A strange feeling of 'Who am I?'. With me it's a case of just getting on with life as feelings pass.

 

Tracy

[Ellora]

On 6/17/2019 at 4:12 AM, Probably Autumn said:

Is it normal to feel like this whole process of coming out to yourself and others is surreal or almost like a dream? I’m beginning to gain confidence and feel like I really am a woman, which makes me want to come out to people more. But it feels so strange that this is even happening to me at all. I lived through so many years of my life knowing trans people exist while assuming I was cis with only a few occasional lapses. Being transgender was something that happened to other people, but not me, until it simply did. 

 

Who else felt their coming out to themselves felt surreal or hyper-real? I want to tell more people but it’s hard when I keep oscillating between being sure and doubtful.

Hi! I feel/felt the same way, especially when I tell new people or start a new part of my transitioning. Because I had never talked about this to anyone for the last 49 of my 53 years of existence, I am constantly virtually pinching myself to check if this is real. Two things pop out, 1) telling my best friend mostly everything about my feelings and transitioning and 2) Having my Orchiectomy. Both life changing in there own way.

I have No regrets at all. 

I do want to tell more people, and in time I will. This is my life and body, and I will do this my way. It truly is exciting! 

Best of luck with your journey, and you are not alone in the way you feel.

[Probably Autumn]

Thank you all for your nice replies. I'm just so scared and nervous that I might accidentally be deluding myself into believing something that's wrong (which is something I've done with other things before), but despite that this whole thing feels right to me. I love myself as a woman more than I ever have through my whole life -- I didn't know it was possible to feel self love like this -- so coming to terms with that is so incredibly weird.

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, Probably Autumn said:

I'm just so scared and nervous that I might accidentally be deluding myself into believing something that's wrong

 

There is nothing wrong, behaviorally, with being Trans itself, and the medical care procedures are built to keep us from being incorrect about being Trans.  There are also no right ways or wrong ways to live as Trans unless they are ways that hurt ourselves physically or hurt others physically.  People who claim we are hurting them mentally or morally or who claim we are offending some deity or belief system are the ones who are morally wrong, and my personal spiritual outlook on behalf of a Deity is that such is not offended by our own positive decisions about self care.  If you are feeling the best you have ever felt, the only way to "go wrong" is by going further into this than you need to and by not working with a medical team as they try to guide you in ways to keep the good things going for you.  I hope this puts as many of the meanings of "wrong" as I can think of at this time into the refuse pile that it belongs in for you.  Being happy and content and productive and loving in our own skin is the whole goal of recognizing Gender Dysphoria for what it is. 

[michelle_kitten]

3 hours ago, Probably Autumn said:

Thank you all for your nice replies. I'm just so scared and nervous that I might accidentally be deluding myself into believing something that's wrong (which is something I've done with other things before), but despite that this whole thing feels right to me. I love myself as a woman more than I ever have through my whole life -- I didn't know it was possible to feel self love like this -- so coming to terms with that is so incredibly weird.

 

What I describe below is my journey, and I am offering it to help you come up with your own plan to deal with your doubts.

 

I am well aware of how easy it is to delude myself.  To check myself, I have deliberately slowed my process down and refuse to declare myself trans before I complete my process.

 

First, my gender dysphoria hit me like a truck around March 20th.  So, I set September 20 as the earliest point I will consider myself trans.  That gives me six full months to allow for emotional burn out.  This way, I am not making a decision based on an emotional wave, but have given time for emotions to run their course.

 

Second, I looked through psychology and sought therapy to rule out my gender dysphoria being the result of childhood trauma, dissociation, and what Juengians call Anima Possession.  I've looked to religious and secular sources for any legitimate criticism of transgenderism which might somehow heal my dysphoria without transition.

 

I am, today, three months into the process.  I won't lie.  These have been three months of highs and lows.  There are days I can hardly stand holding back and not making drastic changes toward transition.  The days seem to drag on.  There are other days where I am euphoric over the few changes I have made.  Occasionally, I have doubts and other times I just don't feel particularly male or female, but just tired.

 

I started HRT last week.  The thing is, HRT works slow on MtF transitioners, so I can do a month or two and then abandon it, if I decide not to transition with minimal impact.

 

Where I am at now, I am really happy with the changes I have made.  I've ruled out psychological causes other than just gender dysphoria itself, and any possibility there will be some healing moment which will relieve my dysphoria.  I've learned a whole lot.  Right now, I continue to learn and grow, and unless something big happens I will probably continue transition.  I want to see where I am at in September.

 

I recommend see a counselor.  Write down in three columns on a piece of paper.  Make a list of things that make you feel dysphoric and are major issues.  In the minor issues column write down things you need to change to be less gender dysphoric which are not as critical.  In the third column consider things you will never be able to change, and how you can learn to accept those things.  You can use that to create a strategy moving forward.

 

Most importantly, do what's right for you, and don't feel rushed.  It is okay to take your time to figure out who you are and what you want to be.

 

<hugs>