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Raven1981

Why Are So Few People Willing to Date a Transgender Person?

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SugarMagnolia

It can be disheartening, but as someone who just started a new relationship I can say that there are wonderful people out there who are open and loving. A friend told me recently that she wasn't surprised I'd found someone because people are attracted to those who are radiating joy. I think there's some truth to that. Of course, there are tons of narrow minded people out there, but there are many who can see us for who they are and when we love ourselves it makes it easier for others to love us.

Just my two cents that there is hope!

 

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MaryMary

It's disheartening to say to least. But, not only for trans woman but for many people who are not near the main beauty cannon. Here where I live people who have extra weight have as much a hard time as me. Since there's a reproduction side to dating (in my mind at least) I can understand for the trans part. But, in my dating "adventures" I realized that people have all sorts of weird criteria. What is disheartening to me is that you have to align with all of those. It's difficult and honestly just plain not fun to me.

 

the other sad thing is that not only people don't know a lot about transgender woman but a lot don't even know the basics of it. So I can start to date someone and he understand after 2 dates even if I said black on white at the very beginning that I was trans... and sometimes even I explain it, teacher style and still he don't understand... doh!! Soon I'll keep a diagram of the genitals before and after to make it extra extra clear clear clear, lollllll

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MaryMary

and another thing is the photos... if I want people to have a good idea of what I look like I have to select the uglyiest photos... who does that? lol I make a dating profile and make it as unattractive as I can just so nobody have any surprise in real life.... lolll it's pathetic all of that ...

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Raven1981

For myself, I have always been passed over.  Even before transitioning, I have never ever ever been on a date, been, married, or kissed anyone.  I have always been single.  I really hate when people say " oh you just have not found the right person"  or " there is plenty of fish in the sea"  I am sorry, but to me that is all just a bunch of nonsense and a nice way of telling the individual that you are ugly and -dimwitted- and will never find someone.  I am sorry for being so blunt.  But I have tried dating apps, nothing.  I have tried going up to people and try to talk to them and say hello and get shot down.  I try to ask people out and get shot down.  I am just being myself and honest and truthful and friendly and I just always get passed over.

 

Maybe I should just give up and just die alone and be lonely all my life then.

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Maid In Bedlam

For what its worth My Two Pence is:

The media plays a big part of how people are portrayed. They can make or break how a whole community is seen by others.

But many do not do us any favours. Ive seen them. the types that want to be the centre of attention and believe the world owes them. Some of the  views so strange and deviate and are incompatarble to the normal way of life.  Many now think they the trans community are a complete bunch of nutters and should be avoided like a plague. . Hense for many the dating of a trans person is avoided.

Im going to sound biased here but I would never date another Trans person unless I could see they was pretty stable.

I cant say I have ever dated after meeting my partner. I did meet a couple of guys before my partner But they wanted something i did not if you get what i mean.  I did meet  my partner  during transition. My partner knew what they was letting themselves in for.  So it isnt the fact that people do not date Trans people. Its more a case of people do not want nutters. Also many see the main reason for dating is to eventually pro create and have a family. Which is of course impossible for a trans woman. So they will be overlooked as far as the looking for a life partner. neither of us wanted this and if we ever did we would adopt.  I notice they didnt have the term Transsexual in that list. A diffrent breed entirly and it is not included.

 

I have never used a dating app. But I did meet my partner online. We are very happy together and I would imagine i will be spending the rest of my days with my partner. We live just as a normal couple. The word trans does not even come into it. I must have been quite a catch lol. As my partner grabbed me with both hands and held on for dear life. lol. I cant see it myself

 

Can I just say also. If you are going to use a dating app. Please use common sense and make sure your safe and in control at all times whatever your preference.

 

Dating apps do not subsitute actually getting out there and selling yourself as a nice rounded human being. But Ive never had problem with my limited expreiance. But also it would depend or where you go. If you go to a cis club then you are predominantly going to find cis people looking for cis people.  This is what its about most of the time.  Im not a dating expert and i do not pretend to be but does it not make sense to go to a club or such like that caters for the trans community?

 

As mary said. Its not just trans people. Its many people that do not fit into what people percieve as the right height Weight of ethnic origin or disabled to name a few. trans people just get mentioned more because its an easy one. for all the reasons above.

 

I do not think you should give up and reside yourself to being without a partner amy. Love for you could be just around the corner. But  being honest. what is so bad about being alone. You do not answer to anyone. You do not have to work around anyone. most importantly you do not have to share Selfish I know. but i am a realist. Whats so bad with being on your own?  It actually isnt so bad and there are far better things to worry about.

 

Do not be a Victim Amy. You are better than that.

.

 

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ToniTone
Just now, MaryMary said:

and another thing is the photos... if I want people to have a good idea of what I look like I have to select the uglyiest photos... who does that? lol I make a dating profile and make it as unattractive as I can just so nobody have any surprise in real life.... lolll it's pathetic all of that ...

 

I kinda do this too. I don't do online dating, but for photos on social media just if interest arises or whatever <.<

I wouldn't say I go to length to look as ugly as possible, but as realistic, casual and 'normal' as I look irl. No overly glamming it up, no filters. I find I'm attracted to that realness. I find myself mentally 'swiping left' to over-polished, plastic photos of people. 

 

I don't think I'm too unattractive in appearance, I dunno I have a hard time gauging that. But I am very shy and socially akward. I think people have little interest in that lack of self confidence. I think it subconciously leaves a stronger impression than appearance really.

 

People just kinda glaze over me. I'm rather content being single anyway, so my disinterest might play a part in that too... 

 

~Toni

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DeeDee

Yeah - dating can wait. For me that is one big fat pile of Nope. Even when I thought of myself as Cis dating was a nightmare because I was always friend-zoned, people hung out with me to get to my friends lol. If I ever feel ready to dive back in I may try, but I am not looking for hook ups - connections just tend to happen naturally - dating online there have been so many "catfish" stories I trust the internet profile and photos about as much as I trust that Nigerian prince who keeps emailing me to tell me I've won money... 😉

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Raven1981
Just now, DeeDee said:

Yeah - dating can wait. For me that is one big fat pile of Nope. Even when I thought of myself as Cis dating was a nightmare because I was always friend-zoned, people hung out with me to get to my friends lol. If I ever feel ready to dive back in I may try, but I am not looking for hook ups - connections just tend to happen naturally - dating online there have been so many "catfish" stories I trust the internet profile and photos about as much as I trust that Nigerian prince who keeps emailing me to tell me I've won money... 😉

I am with you DeeDee.  Even before transitioning, I was always put into the friend zone.  Then I just hated these famous lines I was told.

 

1. Your too much of a friend to be a relationship person.

 

2. You have just not found the right person yet.

 

3. There is plenty of fish in the sea.

 

4, You dont have to date, cause your not the dating type of person.

 

All these lines I just hate with a passion.  They are all just the nice way of saying get away your ugly and I dont like you.

 

That's why I am just giving up and will just die lonely and alone

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DeeDee
Just now, Amy LeBlanc said:

All these lines I just hate with a passion.  They are all just the nice way of saying get away your ugly and I dont like you.

 

That's why I am just giving up and will just die lonely and alone

By all means stop looking, but do not put words into other people's mouths. I've heard all 4 of those lines too, along with the classic, "it would feel weird being more than friends with you" and a few others.  Just enjoy being yourself, if you do not think you are worth the time why should anyone else? (a lesson I have recently learnt/still learning).

 

I'd bet you have plenty of good qualities, heck get some cats if you have really given up on people - but if you are strong enough to transition then you are strong enough to find more to look forward in your life than just skipping to the end of the book.

 

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Kirsten

In my experience you find good people when you are happy confident and okay being alone. When you are like that it’s like you share the best of yourself. You give off an awesome vibe and people like that. That’s when I’ve always met my long relationships. 

 

Being trans is unfortunately something with negative connotations. So are lots of things. But people find partners that love them for who they are. There are no limiting factors. And you never know who that person could be.

So all anyone can do is live. Be yourself and be your best. And not worry about it. I’d hate to be sad about it forever just waiting. I’d just go live life. And be me. 

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Robin

I think that a lot of the problem is caused by the modern idea that everyone has to meet online.  People treat finding a partner in the same way that they look for a new car or a refrigerator.  Dating sites contain lists of specifications, and if someone has a feature that people don't understand, most will just move on to the next on the list.

 

Two people that would appear vastly different on paper often get on really well if they meet in person.

 

Robin.

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Maid In Bedlam

Just to add to my previous post on this. I gave it some more brain time.

 

You do relise we have been shot in the foot when it comes to dating

 

Let me explain. People use the collective term LGBT. Which is perhaps confusing to your average person looking for love.

 

L = A Sexuality

G = A Sexuality

B = A Sexuality

T + Not a sexualality More a way of life.

 

 

You get what i mean.

 

The T is roped in with Sexualitys. Therefore does your average Jo or Joe even understand the concept?  Or do they just assume a Trans person would be looking for another Trans person? Just playing devils advocate here.  But as I said earlier. The media has played a large part in the explanation and how LGBT is under one umbrella. Its even promoted as such  for reasons im not even going to start talking about as i would be here typing all day. I could write a book on my rantings on that subject.

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Kirsten
3 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

The T is roped in with Sexualitys. Therefore does your average Jo or Joe even understand the concept?  

No. No they don’t. And that’s the biggest issue. They only know what they’ve been taught or heard. And that’s usually pretty negative stuff. At least for people in my age range. Maybe the younger kids have had some actual education about the trans community. But as a 40 year old trans woman I can tell you that most people around me think of the trans community as creepy or weird. Or scary. Or worse. 

 

My wife and i have had these conversations a lot. About dating and whatnot. And I see it this way...... say you have 100000 people. Well let’s say 1/2 are men and 1/2 are women. And for the sake of this exercise I’ll use a trans woman who only wants to date men. She’s down to 50k right away. Out of that 50k maybe 15% would even consider anyone in the lbgtq community. So now you’re at 7500. Out of those 7500 maybe 20% are open to a relationship with a trans woman. So that’s 1500. And out of them, assuming you are at least top half of attractive (this includes cis girls btw) (which isn’t the case usually unfortunately) maybe 10% find you attractive. So that’s 150. And then you need to reciprocate that feeling. So now it’s maybe 75 at best. Assuming you’re very open; how many of the 75 people out of 100k are you actually gonna connect with? 1-2 maybe? So out of 100k people as a trans woman you may have 1-2 possible okay relationships that still have to last the rest of time as any other relationship would. That’s not the best odds. And unfortunately the less you look like an attractive person in whatever gender you identify as, the less chance this has to being true. 

 

I guess what im trying to say is that people are shallow. Nothing’s gonna change that. Beauty is for the most part only skin deep. And that’s what people see first second and 23rd for that matter. If you’re a 10, date 10s. If you’re a 2 date 2s. But finding someone that’s a 10 or a 2 that’s okay with trans/non-binary whatever you happen to be is just a much much smaller piece of the pie. 

 

There is also another piece of the pie though. Our piece. Other trans people. Maybe that’s another avenue. Idk. Personally I’d date a trans woman. Or man. I’d date a trans man before a cis man I think too. 

Just my 0.02 🤷🏻‍♀️

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MaryMary
17 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:
1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

Well let’s say 1/2 are men and 1/2 are women. And for the sake of this exercise I’ll use a trans woman who only wants to date men. She’s down to 50k right away. Out of that 50k maybe 15% would even consider anyone in the lbgtq community. So now you’re at 7500. Out of those 7500 maybe 20% are open to a relationship with a trans woman. So that’s 1500. And out of them, assuming you are at least top half of attractive (this includes cis girls btw) (which isn’t the case usually unfortunately) maybe 10% find you attractive. So that’s 150. And then you need to reciprocate that feeling. So now it’s maybe 75 at best. Assuming you’re very open; how many of the 75 people out of 100k are you actually gonna connect with? 1-2 maybe? So out of 100k people as a trans woman you may have 1-2 possible okay relationships that still have to last the rest of time as any other relationship would. That’s not the best odds.

.

 

 

"don't tell me the odds!" :P lolll ...

seriously that's crazy when you think about it. In your odds you don't even talk about all the other criteria like not having children and stuff like that.

nobody dates in real life where I live. Seriously I've yet to witness someone flirting since I came out. Not just me, I mean in general.

I would like to meet people in real life but the way I understand it it's just not the way it work anymore. If it's possible then when do you do that? loll

 

I feel that the mental aspect of dating is really important. You got to be funny, positive and confident. That's the one thing I have more now after coming out and I found out it was really important and 90% of the charm is confidence. "confidence is sexy". I've talked with maybe 10 trans woman since I came out to eventually date and the level of confidence and positivity is at 0. I would have dated trans woman but I feel that the current social context and the difficulty of being trans is a big factor in the success rate. If date and every trans woman I encounter is complaining about being alone and depressed and don't go out of their house and don't find themselves pretty and put themselves down all the time then it's not fun anymore. Then I switch to the "support" mode.  I'm not saying that my 10 person is a good sample because it's not but I'm just saying...

 

I know that maybe it's a controversial thing to say but I feel that when talking about that topic it need to be said..

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Kirsten

I agree wholeheartedly Mary. Confidence is key to getting someone. Nobody wants a Debbie downer. Nobody wants a new relationship with someone that is down on themselves. Or that needs support with major issues from day 1. You do have to truly be happy and confident in who you are and what you have to offer. 

 

I should also mention that I found my wife when I was out and open about my crossdressing. She knew I was cd before she met me. And I told her day 1 there was a good chance I’d transition some day.  So it wasn’t like we have ever had a solely cis straight relationship. So they are out there. 

 

Confidence honesty and joy. If you can’t give the other person those 3 things from day 1 to day 10000000 then it ain’t gonna work. It just isn’t. 

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mochi90
44 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

I agree wholeheartedly Mary. Confidence is key to getting someone. Nobody wants a Debbie downer. Nobody wants a new relationship with someone that is down on themselves. Or that needs support with major issues from day 1. You do have to truly be happy and confident in who you are and what you have to offer. 

 

I should also mention that I found my wife when I was out and open about my crossdressing. She knew I was cd before she met me. And I told her day 1 there was a good chance I’d transition some day.  So it wasn’t like we have ever had a solely cis straight relationship. So they are out there. 

 

Confidence honesty and joy. If you can’t give the other person those 3 things from day 1 to day 10000000 then it ain’t gonna work. It just isn’t. 

This. 

 

You have to be comfortable with yourself and comfortable with living on your own before you can be comfortable in a committed relationship. 

 

Pansexuality has been trending for a while in the LGBT community. At least, among us younger members. For those of you who haven't heard it, pansexuality is the attraction to all genders, including transgenders. So there are definitely people out there. They are just part of a younger generation. 

 

Also there are people who see being trans as a fetish. Which is....Or can be problematic, IMO, because then you are basically being used as a play thing, I feel like. Unless you're into that, of course. 

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Josie Beth

I’m going to chime in about dating. It’s difficult no matter what just because of how many people approach dating. Everyone is on their phones, clicking likes, taking selfies, swiping right and left, so nobody really takes the time to socialize to begin with. They’re all concerned about how they appear on Facebook, whether or not they are on the right side of the latest gossip. How many followers are they getting on Twitter or Snapchat? It’s all about pushing the right buttons. So many people are going to reject others for knee jerk reasons. 

 

But lets look at social situations in the work place. Why do we like or dislike working with certain people on the job? Is it because they are attractive? Or is it because they are or aren’t selfish? Mean? Friendly? Humorous? So many of the strange criteria we demand from other people really don’t matter if we can get along with them. I’m definitely not suggesting dating people from work but similar rules apply as to why people accept or reject others. So if someone likes eating lunch with you at work then chances are it’s going to be for much the same reasons someone would have fun dating you. 

 

Dating sites and apps all put the cart before the horse because they focus on the sexual criteria immediately and skip over the getting to know you stage, and most people fall in lock step because we are all conditioned to hurry, there’s no time and those that drive the dating market play on our fears to dig their hands into our pockets. So in short we have a dating pool full of people prioritizing the wrong things and swept up in a subconscious mania. 

 

About fetishes: I personally have a few but they have nothing to do with personal characteristics of a potential partner, they have to do with other things like voyeurism, or developing trust. By and large the kink community is very accepting of all types of people. But even there you will find those who see others as a fetish. But again often times that’s just a small aspect of a personal relationship and it’s a bad idea to place that first in line. 

 

So I’m definitely in agreement that the most important place to start is with ourselves. What do we project? Do I realistically have time for a partner at this stage in my life? If I do am I bringing my best possible self into the equation? Or do I need to work on me? Am I prioritizing the right things? Or am I simply checking things off on a list of criteria? I stopped trying to check things on a list a while ago because it doesn’t work. Instead I want to find out who I can enjoy my time with and if that leads to more then that’s great, but it’s not really the focus. Sure there’s deal breakers but that can be discovered before physical intimacy begins. I’m not putting pressure on myself anymore to be coupled with someone. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship. I deserve better and that’s only going to come when I’m ready.

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KymmieL

As someone happily married. I will only give my perspective on dating. I have had one date other than with my wife. It bombed, more to the point I bombed it. Took her to freaking burger king then to the beach to talk. Yeah, just talk. I din't have a clue about dating. It was easy with my wife as I have known her since 1st grade, live 2 door away from her. I don't really think we ever had a true DATE.

 

My perspective on dating. I think looks has a lot to do with it. Not many people either male nor female want to be seen with an unattractive person. Media nowadays has a lot to do with acceptance. And acceptance is a precursor to popularity. Hence, Dating. I have noticed in media, the gay and lesbian is almost on the fore front. Gay especially, It went from the flaming queers in media to almost normalcy. You see more and more gay people in everything now. commercials, sit coms, to movies. Lesbian are starting to get portrayed more and more. 

 

However the transgender person, rarely if ever get their share. Colorado has the first openly gay governor. but also has a transgender state senator. Yet even with a major transgender bill being signed into law. nothing was said of the support of the trans senator.

 

For some people dating is seen and be seen. most guys would be proud to have a supermodel on their arm verse even a lowly nice looking  school teacher. Then there is the transgender person who may rate below the 600lb bearded lady on the be seen scale. Even if the transgender person is gorgeous it is the stigma of being seen.  Back to the media influence.

 

Last is the person who wants to date a transgender person for other than romance. they are the creeps. need I say more.

 

Kymmie

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mochi90
On 6/19/2019 at 1:57 PM, Josie Beth said:

I’m going to chime in about dating. It’s difficult no matter what just because of how many people approach dating. Everyone is on their phones, clicking likes, taking selfies, swiping right and left, so nobody really takes the time to socialize to begin with. They’re all concerned about how they appear on Facebook, whether or not they are on the right side of the latest gossip. How many followers are they getting on Twitter or Snapchat? It’s all about pushing the right buttons. So many people are going to reject others for knee jerk reasons. 

 

But lets look at social situations in the work place. Why do we like or dislike working with certain people on the job? Is it because they are attractive? Or is it because they are or aren’t selfish? Mean? Friendly? Humorous? So many of the strange criteria we demand from other people really don’t matter if we can get along with them. I’m definitely not suggesting dating people from work but similar rules apply as to why people accept or reject others. So if someone likes eating lunch with you at work then chances are it’s going to be for much the same reasons someone would have fun dating you. 

 

Dating sites and apps all put the cart before the horse because they focus on the sexual criteria immediately and skip over the getting to know you stage, and most people fall in lock step because we are all conditioned to hurry, there’s no time and those that drive the dating market play on our fears to dig their hands into our pockets. So in short we have a dating pool full of people prioritizing the wrong things and swept up in a subconscious mania. 

 

About fetishes: I personally have a few but they have nothing to do with personal characteristics of a potential partner, they have to do with other things like voyeurism, or developing trust. By and large the kink community is very accepting of all types of people. But even there you will find those who see others as a fetish. But again often times that’s just a small aspect of a personal relationship and it’s a bad idea to place that first in line. 

 

So I’m definitely in agreement that the most important place to start is with ourselves. What do we project? Do I realistically have time for a partner at this stage in my life? If I do am I bringing my best possible self into the equation? Or do I need to work on me? Am I prioritizing the right things? Or am I simply checking things off on a list of criteria? I stopped trying to check things on a list a while ago because it doesn’t work. Instead I want to find out who I can enjoy my time with and if that leads to more then that’s great, but it’s not really the focus. Sure there’s deal breakers but that can be discovered before physical intimacy begins. I’m not putting pressure on myself anymore to be coupled with someone. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship. I deserve better and that’s only going to come when I’m ready.

I have nothing against fetishes. But when I first discovered I was trans, my first experience as a trans man was with someone who treated being transgender as a sexual fetish and it made me feel like absolute garbage. I'm perfectly fine with most other kinks. 

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      Hello Dain.   Welcome.  I read Devon's post and it was interesting.  I think you will find an accepting community here.  Please join in.   Jani
    • Jani
      I have been married for 44 years so I can attest to thinking at times that you're on the same wavelength when in fact you're are not.  Life and people are strange in that regard.   I think it may be time to have some serious dialogue about how he (and you) felt things have been going.     Also, in my opinion women are more prone to accept this change in a partner than men are.  Women can be close friends with each other without seeming sexual, while men never want to get too close so to not project the image of homosexuality.      
    • VickySGV
      By themselves you have a window of 3 to 6 months for the onset of action to 3 to 6 years to completion of the change per the WPATH Standards of Care.  It will also depend on the type of dressing you do at work.  Shirts and neck ties will be a problem a bit sooner, but T shirts and sweat shirts a lot longer.  A bigger issue is going to be our own nervousness and maybe a tad touchy PMS type day that will give you away.  Yes we do get mood swings pretty early in the game.  If you get in a hurry for longer hair , there goes another issue too.  Its not as bad as it was, but where I worked it could be anything from OK to physically dangerous is it was not kept right.  When I retired I had been on HRT for two years and it had not been a problem.  I have what I call family "B" cups since that is what my mother and sisters had, and loose shirts got along fine in two sizes larger than male me wore.  
    • Nebulous
      I know this is one of those mileage  varies questions- However, I cant help but ask- How long on HRT( assume( Sprio and Estrogen) before dressing in the old male attire and presenting male becomes a challenge? How long was it in your experience? I’m trying to get a good sense of when coworkers or other acquaintances might start noticing something being up.   Thanks in advance for the insight,   Dina
    • Nebulous
      I’m really loving New Hampshire 😊
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