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Dating and not assuming


Clara84

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Hello
I am a post-op girl and I am a lesbian
Since I began transitionning I only had sex or relationships with known people who knew my situation.

Now single I am trying to find love on dating apps. 
But the more I went on in my transition, less I accept my past and the fact I transitionned.
Actually, I don't identify myself as "trans" anymore, just "woman" or "girl" sounds more suitable for me.

Now about dating....
a lot of bi/lesbian girls are interested into me, but I am not able to tell them I transitionned.
I had sex with some of them, they didn't notice anything. 
But when someone ask me for a more serious relationship, I struggle because "serious" means "tell the thruth about my story"=> I run away. 

I want a serious relationship but no more able to talk about transition with an unknown cis-person. It's just impossible too hard for me talking about this, then I have to give up about love. Or date only MTFs ?

For those who succeded better than me. How did you do this ?
When do you tell your partner you're trans woman ? And how would it be accepted ?

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I don’t have any good advice, but I’m interested in what others say. *following* 

 

the only small insight that i can give you is before I started transition I was out about my cd life. I eventually found my wife. She actually knew before I even met her. I think being up front with her was the only way we would’ve made it long term. Gotta let people decide before feelings could be hurt I think. But idk. 

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unfortunately, my formerly wife left me a few months after I started transitionning.

 

Your "strategy" would be immediately telling the truth before meeting the girl ? Why not.... but it's very complicated to do .and the person might reject you without knowing if she would like you or not...

Mine would be telling the truth after the persone already like/love me. But everytime I reached this step, I ran away.

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It would be. I am very open about being trans though. Heck I post about it every day on my social media accounts, I do some activism work as well. Even marched in the pride parade a couple of weeks ago. So for me being direct and up front would be necessary at least now. If my life changes as time passes maybe I will feel differently. 

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okay I am the opposite of you.

I removed every trans* facts from my facebook. I never told this to new people I met.

I am fighting against google to remove the few results still available when searching my deadname.

I destructed all the pre-transitions pictures

etc.

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Sometimes I think about that. Possibly post op. I don’t really know. But for now helping others helps me learn more about myself. It helps me break down barriers and become a much stronger person. I can definitely see the draw to hiding it all though. To just be whole always. I just don’t know if I could keep this big mouth shut long enough. Plus with the kids idk how that would work. 

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Once a caterpillar transforms into Butterfly,  we no longer call the Butterfly a caterpillar.

Someday I will Fly Away, and say Goodbye to the caterpillar. 

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That’s very hard when you have a family. If I flew away they’d be crushed. And I can’t take them with me with expectations of leaving their world behind. I will forever be a part of the life I live now and I really can’t think of anything better than what I have right now. 

Mary I love what you said! I am proud of the path I took to get here and I don’t know if I’d even want to forget all of that. But everyone is different and different paths work better for others. They are all valid and wonderful choices. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Clara I do agree that after a period of time (some of us) stop identifying as transgender women and just think of ourselves as women.  I know that is where my head is.  

 

I'm married so not in the dating pool (thankfully) so my comments are to be taken with a grain of salt.  I think if you are strong enough to keep a secret forever and never slip up when speaking of the past then go and never talk about it.  Otherwise I believe it is wise to talk to your partner before getting serious (physical).  I think there will be a lot less pressure and you will be more comfortable in the long term.  Plus by the time you decide to talk about this you will hopefully know the person well enough to get an understanding of how they will react.  

 

All this said, you may have a couple broken relationships before finding the one for you.  

 

All my best,
Jani 

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  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
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      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
    • MaeBe
      This is the persistence in thinking of trans girls as predators and, as if, they are the only kind of predation that happens in locker rooms. This is strikingly close to the dangerous myth that anatomy corresponds with sexuality and equates to gender.
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    • Abigail Genevieve
      People love bureaucracy.  It makes everything cut and dried, black and white, and often unjust, unmerciful, wasteful and downright stupid.
    • Ivy
      This is why a blanket policy can never be fair.  Everything is not black and white.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Men's t shirt, women's jeans, hipster panties, flip-flops that could go either way.
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