Meet TammyAnne, new & unsure of herself

[TommieAnne]

Hi. I was referred to this site by my gender therapist at the VA medical center, I've been lurking for quite some time, reading, absorbing, trying decide if I should jump in.

Well here I am, born as a male, always feeling confused about myself, my feelings, desires. Going through the motions of a male role that I hated, trying to fit in, desperately avoiding acknowledging what I called my "lurking closet person" - the very female side of me that I hid away & suppressed.

I'm still unsure of how or where I fit in. Only 2 years ago I managed to admit to myself or others that I had always desired physical intimacy with men. But also emotional intimacy too.

I'm cleared for HRT but have not begun yet, as I have a couple of medical issues to address first. But my dysphoria nags at me, especially since the weather has gotten hot, so the scent from my glands sickens me.

Thanks in advance for being welcoming, understanding, for being willing to accept me as me. Even if I'm not quite certain what that looks like just yet.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi TammyAnne,

 

Welcome to Transpulse.  I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Robin]

Hi TammyAnne,

 

It is great that you have decided to join us. 

 

Robin.

[TommieAnne]

Thank you both!

This has been (I'm sure this is nothing new) a really difficult, confusing journey.

I appreciate the support!

Tammy Anne

[Rowan]

Hi TammyAnne! Welcome! I'm mostly a lurker around here as well, but I'm trying to branch out more. I hope to see you around more! 

[Jani]

Hello Tammy Anne, Welcome to the forum.  I think you'll find this a safe and enjoyable place to communicate with others that are on the same journey.   The uncertainty you mention is normal.  Keep your head up, it will all make sense soon enough. 

 

Cheers, 

Jani

[VickySGV]

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back.  I am still not always certain about all of it, but life has, as a whole been better for me and I feel I can face the next uncertainty after 10 years on HRT and living a life in which I feel the best I have ever about myself.   Where I am very certain though is that the life I had 25 years ago did not show anyone the true me and that "he" was NOT my best self, although he tried.  Welcome to the Forums, and I hope our experience can at least make you certain you made a good choice in coming here.

 

[Jani]

Just now, VickySGV said:

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back. 

Oh yes, I have no recollection of that morning beyond checking in and how nice everyone was.  I was too out of it in recovery room.  But days later in the recovery apartment I recall looking down and thinking oh there's no going back now.  

 

Life in general is full of uncertainty.  I try to roll with it the best I can.  

 

Jani

[Charlize]

Welcome Tammy Anne.  I think you will find you are not alone.  Anyone who tells you they don't live with at least occasional doubts is probably less than honest.  

The trick for me was to find self acceptance.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[TommieAnne]

Thank you very much.

19 hours ago, VickySGV said:

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back.  I am still not always certain about all of it, but life has, as a whole been better for me and I feel I can face the next uncertainty after 10 years on HRT and living a life in which I feel the best I have ever about myself.   Where I am very certain though is that the life I had 25 years ago did not show anyone the true me and that "he" was NOT my best self, although he tried.  Welcome to the Forums, and I hope our experience can at least make you certain you made a good choice in coming here.

 

This echoes so much of my feelings about myself, especially the struggle to be a "better" me, as well as the realization that I am nowhere near being even a decent me. My testosterone seems capable of fueling rage at the slightest provocation, sadly.

To start this process while approaching age 70 seems daunting. I look back over my life wishing there had been help for me before I hit puberty - I have doubts I'll ever be able to "pass". I'm taking baby steps so far.

Just recognizing that my inner woman is there has helped with my mindset, acceptance of myself, general mood, overall outlook. She is no longer the lurking closet person, but is not quite "driving the train" either. Hopefully that can come soon enough.

I've been encouraged to think about how I will present myself. How I want to present myself. I don't have any answer for that yet. I'm still overwhelmed with the recognition & understanding of who I am.

It's as if I've spent my whole life wandering through a dark, scary forest lost & alone, only to step into a bright, sunlit meadow. I'm still clinging to the margin, mostly out of habit & familiarity while I try to orient myself to the possibility of life out in the sunshine.

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

I have doubts I'll ever be able to "pass".

 

I am 70+ and actually think that being presentable in public is easier for us than for the 30 - 40 crowd.  I am being looked at with Grandma standards, not sex interest standards.  I do not use the idea of "passing" just presentability and have found it is not my looks that do it (although I get taken for 20 years younger very easily) it is more the attitude I have which is friendly, caring and interested in others.  Places where I was known as "him" have forgotten I was "him", and if they have a memory, it comes to the surface when other friends and family members come out as LGBTQ and they have questions or concerns about how to deal with themselves and that news. It is those points of helpfulness that they think of and not the Trans yick things. The things needed to get where I am are just experience, confidence and humor, but every now and then, an eye over my shoulder for trouble.

[TommieAnne]

VickySGV, that is music to my worried ears.

I will find a way through all this, but it sure helps to hear from others.

It really, really helps.

Tammy Anne