Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Meet TammyAnne, new & unsure of herself


TommieAnne

Recommended Posts

Hi. I was referred to this site by my gender therapist at the VA medical center, I've been lurking for quite some time, reading, absorbing, trying decide if I should jump in.

Well here I am, born as a male, always feeling confused about myself, my feelings, desires. Going through the motions of a male role that I hated, trying to fit in, desperately avoiding acknowledging what I called my "lurking closet person" - the very female side of me that I hid away & suppressed.

I'm still unsure of how or where I fit in. Only 2 years ago I managed to admit to myself or others that I had always desired physical intimacy with men. But also emotional intimacy too.

I'm cleared for HRT but have not begun yet, as I have a couple of medical issues to address first. But my dysphoria nags at me, especially since the weather has gotten hot, so the scent from my glands sickens me.

Thanks in advance for being welcoming, understanding, for being willing to accept me as me. Even if I'm not quite certain what that looks like just yet.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi TammyAnne,

 

Welcome to Transpulse.  I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

Link to comment

Thank you both!

This has been (I'm sure this is nothing new) a really difficult, confusing journey.

I appreciate the support!

Tammy Anne

Link to comment

Hi TammyAnne! Welcome! I'm mostly a lurker around here as well, but I'm trying to branch out more. I hope to see you around more! 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Tammy Anne, Welcome to the forum.  I think you'll find this a safe and enjoyable place to communicate with others that are on the same journey.   The uncertainty you mention is normal.  Keep your head up, it will all make sense soon enough. 

 

Cheers, 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Admin

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back.  I am still not always certain about all of it, but life has, as a whole been better for me and I feel I can face the next uncertainty after 10 years on HRT and living a life in which I feel the best I have ever about myself.   Where I am very certain though is that the life I had 25 years ago did not show anyone the true me and that "he" was NOT my best self, although he tried.  Welcome to the Forums, and I hope our experience can at least make you certain you made a good choice in coming here.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
Just now, VickySGV said:

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back. 

Oh yes, I have no recollection of that morning beyond checking in and how nice everyone was.  I was too out of it in recovery room.  But days later in the recovery apartment I recall looking down and thinking oh there's no going back now.  

 

Life in general is full of uncertainty.  I try to roll with it the best I can.  

 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Tammy Anne.  I think you will find you are not alone.  Anyone who tells you they don't live with at least occasional doubts is probably less than honest.  

The trick for me was to find self acceptance.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Thank you very much.

19 hours ago, VickySGV said:

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back.  I am still not always certain about all of it, but life has, as a whole been better for me and I feel I can face the next uncertainty after 10 years on HRT and living a life in which I feel the best I have ever about myself.   Where I am very certain though is that the life I had 25 years ago did not show anyone the true me and that "he" was NOT my best self, although he tried.  Welcome to the Forums, and I hope our experience can at least make you certain you made a good choice in coming here.

 

This echoes so much of my feelings about myself, especially the struggle to be a "better" me, as well as the realization that I am nowhere near being even a decent me. My testosterone seems capable of fueling rage at the slightest provocation, sadly.

To start this process while approaching age 70 seems daunting. I look back over my life wishing there had been help for me before I hit puberty - I have doubts I'll ever be able to "pass". I'm taking baby steps so far.

Just recognizing that my inner woman is there has helped with my mindset, acceptance of myself, general mood, overall outlook. She is no longer the lurking closet person, but is not quite "driving the train" either. Hopefully that can come soon enough.

I've been encouraged to think about how I will present myself. How I want to present myself. I don't have any answer for that yet. I'm still overwhelmed with the recognition & understanding of who I am.

It's as if I've spent my whole life wandering through a dark, scary forest lost & alone, only to step into a bright, sunlit meadow. I'm still clinging to the margin, mostly out of habit & familiarity while I try to orient myself to the possibility of life out in the sunshine.

Link to comment
  • Admin
1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

I have doubts I'll ever be able to "pass".

 

I am 70+ and actually think that being presentable in public is easier for us than for the 30 - 40 crowd.  I am being looked at with Grandma standards, not sex interest standards.  I do not use the idea of "passing" just presentability and have found it is not my looks that do it (although I get taken for 20 years younger very easily) it is more the attitude I have which is friendly, caring and interested in others.  Places where I was known as "him" have forgotten I was "him", and if they have a memory, it comes to the surface when other friends and family members come out as LGBTQ and they have questions or concerns about how to deal with themselves and that news. It is those points of helpfulness that they think of and not the Trans yick things. The things needed to get where I am are just experience, confidence and humor, but every now and then, an eye over my shoulder for trouble.

Link to comment

VickySGV, that is music to my worried ears.

I will find a way through all this, but it sure helps to hear from others.

It really, really helps.

Tammy Anne

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 88 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • Cisco1127
    • MaryEllen
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      766.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,909
    • Most Online
      8,356

    carmendolarslan
    Newest Member
    carmendolarslan
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Beth Susan
      Beth Susan
      (53 years old)
    2. Bree138
      Bree138
      (44 years old)
    3. Catamondium
      Catamondium
    4. cody
      cody
      (17 years old)
    5. kass
      kass
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      Find and get in touch with the closest LGBTQ center near you and (1) they will know of programs that employ Trans people willingly and (2) will have ways to get you competent legal help to break you free of your family and their controlling and damaging behavior toward you.  I do not know Canadian Law on this, but here where I am you could get a court order to stop them from interfering in your life.  Gender Dysphoria is not a mental health issue that should keep you from managing your personal affairs.  The people at those centers know what we go through and are ready to help you.
    • Ashley0616
      You look great in all of them!
    • Mirrabooka
      I'll try!     I still have no desire at all to start wearing skirts and dresses, and I don't have the curves to justify wearing women's jeans or slacks. I think the furthest I will go is maybe some pretty and androgynous tops one day. That's what appealed to me with the hoodie - it just looked so much nicer than any of those on offer from the men's department.
    • shelli
      Hello.   My name is not Shelli but for my safety i have to use this name here.   Im looking for advice.   In canada conversion therapy is illegal. My family has employed a psiciatrist to comversion therapy me covertly. I am 45 and the administrator of a wealthy families estate.   I have been fleeing this for about 7 years. It began by me having mtf grs. I was supposed to have ffs and top and vocal aswell. They allowed the bottom surgery. Then began getting social workers, the psyc and an accountant to slander me from town to town as i tried to get work and stablity in my life. I eventually went back to male atire to try and hide and restart transition. Each time they wojld find out where i was and it would start again.   I spoke out about it and now they claim i destroyed there lives by seeking help and that im an adult child since i cant get a job while they do this so that i cant as i would take control of the families fortune. They have had this psyciatrist diagnose me falsly with scizophrenia, upsetting me then bipolat, borderline, psicotic, and so much more. They have even tried getting me framed for crimes i never commited.   Im terrified, living in the woods, off hormones and even when i turn to the lgbt community in my area they have convinced many of them that im a trans man etc etc etc.   It never ends.   I would like to hear any advice.
    • Hannah Renee
      This is a good point. For instance, way back when I was still in grade school, my older brother and I learned how to play golf with our dad. It's always been a favorite pastime. When I went to my high school reunion a year and a half ago, I met the 40-something year old daughter of a former classmate. Her job and my family structure (adoption) got us talking, and she loves to play golf. Instant new friend. If I hadn't been transitioning, I would not have chosen that group of ladies to sit with.    I've also enjoyed shooting for the past 50 years. I went to renew my concealed carry license last September, and there was one other woman, a couple years older, in attendance, and we connected. I've been to her home and met her husband, a retired pilot. I'm a retired air traffic controller, she works at a local airport museum. She's part of a small ladies shooting group, all aviation enthusiasts, and she and I have been to the range together. I've met some of the others, and we'll all go to the range as a group from time to time.   Sorry. Long-winded way of saying that transitioning doesn't have to mean throwing away every aspect of the old you in order to grow as the real you. 
    • Ashley0616
      Get ready for another damn RANT! I have helped my ex that I had kids with over and over again! I told her at the beginning of the month I had a meeting in Jackson, MS for trans people. She said ok. Today she asked if I would help her move to her new apartment because her current one is getting unlivable the same freaking day as the meeting! She of course played it off like oh I don't remember you telling me that. I'm so pissed off right now that I can't see straight. I'm trying to keep my cool because I do have the kids and I don't want to bad mouth her to them! She makes it so hard to even just respect her. Every time her text message or phone call on my phone it feels like my blood boils! I seriously don't know how much crap I can take before I snap on her. She uses them as an excuse all the damn time! I have to end it before I use more colorful language! 
    • Vidanjali
      My husband and I watched this show last night. It's a platform for genderqueer comics and a response to Netflix's shoddy record of non-allyship, we'll say.   “The last time Netflix brought this many trans people together, it was for a protest. So, progress!” Gadsby jabs in the trailer: https://variety.com/2024/tv/news/hannah-gadsby-netflix-special-gender-agenda-queer-comedy-1235907944/   Some of the comics were better than others. But overall I found it amusing, affirming, and joyful. Watch it and share what u think. 
    • Ashley0616
      Happy birthday @Jamey-Heather
    • Jamey-Heather
      Thank you so much 🥰🥰🥰!!
    • Mmindy
      Happy Birthday Jamey,    I do love the scarf, and think you look amazing in this picture.    Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🐛🦋
    • April Marie
      Very pretty!!
    • Jamey-Heather
      Love this scarf my wife got me for my birthday 🥰
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! I do feel better it took a while to feel better. 
    • Mmindy
      Hugs and positive vibes for you @Ashley0616   I wish I could be there and really hug away your anxieties. Have you tried a dark room, meditation, and maybe hyperventilating into a paper bag, to ease your breathing pace?   I'm also glad that you have a therapist who is available on short notice.   Digital Hugs are still from the heart. >HUGS<   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Ashley0616
      SHEIN, Temu and thrift stores is where I go to for clothes. Torrid, Mercari, Amazon and maybe soon Only Maker for shoes. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...