Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Meet TammyAnne, new & unsure of herself


TommieAnne

Recommended Posts

Hi. I was referred to this site by my gender therapist at the VA medical center, I've been lurking for quite some time, reading, absorbing, trying decide if I should jump in.

Well here I am, born as a male, always feeling confused about myself, my feelings, desires. Going through the motions of a male role that I hated, trying to fit in, desperately avoiding acknowledging what I called my "lurking closet person" - the very female side of me that I hid away & suppressed.

I'm still unsure of how or where I fit in. Only 2 years ago I managed to admit to myself or others that I had always desired physical intimacy with men. But also emotional intimacy too.

I'm cleared for HRT but have not begun yet, as I have a couple of medical issues to address first. But my dysphoria nags at me, especially since the weather has gotten hot, so the scent from my glands sickens me.

Thanks in advance for being welcoming, understanding, for being willing to accept me as me. Even if I'm not quite certain what that looks like just yet.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi TammyAnne,

 

Welcome to Transpulse.  I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

Link to comment

Thank you both!

This has been (I'm sure this is nothing new) a really difficult, confusing journey.

I appreciate the support!

Tammy Anne

Link to comment

Hi TammyAnne! Welcome! I'm mostly a lurker around here as well, but I'm trying to branch out more. I hope to see you around more! 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Tammy Anne, Welcome to the forum.  I think you'll find this a safe and enjoyable place to communicate with others that are on the same journey.   The uncertainty you mention is normal.  Keep your head up, it will all make sense soon enough. 

 

Cheers, 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Admin

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back.  I am still not always certain about all of it, but life has, as a whole been better for me and I feel I can face the next uncertainty after 10 years on HRT and living a life in which I feel the best I have ever about myself.   Where I am very certain though is that the life I had 25 years ago did not show anyone the true me and that "he" was NOT my best self, although he tried.  Welcome to the Forums, and I hope our experience can at least make you certain you made a good choice in coming here.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
Just now, VickySGV said:

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back. 

Oh yes, I have no recollection of that morning beyond checking in and how nice everyone was.  I was too out of it in recovery room.  But days later in the recovery apartment I recall looking down and thinking oh there's no going back now.  

 

Life in general is full of uncertainty.  I try to roll with it the best I can.  

 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Tammy Anne.  I think you will find you are not alone.  Anyone who tells you they don't live with at least occasional doubts is probably less than honest.  

The trick for me was to find self acceptance.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Thank you very much.

19 hours ago, VickySGV said:

There was still just a bit of uncertainty going through my brain even as the anesthetist inserted the IV into my left arm in a cold operating room and the lights went out for me.  There was even more uncertainty after I woke up for many weeks, but I was certain it had been done and there was no way back.  I am still not always certain about all of it, but life has, as a whole been better for me and I feel I can face the next uncertainty after 10 years on HRT and living a life in which I feel the best I have ever about myself.   Where I am very certain though is that the life I had 25 years ago did not show anyone the true me and that "he" was NOT my best self, although he tried.  Welcome to the Forums, and I hope our experience can at least make you certain you made a good choice in coming here.

 

This echoes so much of my feelings about myself, especially the struggle to be a "better" me, as well as the realization that I am nowhere near being even a decent me. My testosterone seems capable of fueling rage at the slightest provocation, sadly.

To start this process while approaching age 70 seems daunting. I look back over my life wishing there had been help for me before I hit puberty - I have doubts I'll ever be able to "pass". I'm taking baby steps so far.

Just recognizing that my inner woman is there has helped with my mindset, acceptance of myself, general mood, overall outlook. She is no longer the lurking closet person, but is not quite "driving the train" either. Hopefully that can come soon enough.

I've been encouraged to think about how I will present myself. How I want to present myself. I don't have any answer for that yet. I'm still overwhelmed with the recognition & understanding of who I am.

It's as if I've spent my whole life wandering through a dark, scary forest lost & alone, only to step into a bright, sunlit meadow. I'm still clinging to the margin, mostly out of habit & familiarity while I try to orient myself to the possibility of life out in the sunshine.

Link to comment
  • Admin
1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

I have doubts I'll ever be able to "pass".

 

I am 70+ and actually think that being presentable in public is easier for us than for the 30 - 40 crowd.  I am being looked at with Grandma standards, not sex interest standards.  I do not use the idea of "passing" just presentability and have found it is not my looks that do it (although I get taken for 20 years younger very easily) it is more the attitude I have which is friendly, caring and interested in others.  Places where I was known as "him" have forgotten I was "him", and if they have a memory, it comes to the surface when other friends and family members come out as LGBTQ and they have questions or concerns about how to deal with themselves and that news. It is those points of helpfulness that they think of and not the Trans yick things. The things needed to get where I am are just experience, confidence and humor, but every now and then, an eye over my shoulder for trouble.

Link to comment

VickySGV, that is music to my worried ears.

I will find a way through all this, but it sure helps to hear from others.

It really, really helps.

Tammy Anne

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 150 Guests (See full list)

    • LyndseyQ
    • April Marie
    • MaybeRob
    • Petra Jane
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alscully
      Alscully
      (35 years old)
    2. floruisse
      floruisse
      (40 years old)
    3. Jasmine25
      Jasmine25
      (22 years old)
    4. Trev0rK
      Trev0rK
      (26 years old)
  • Posts

    • Willow
      Good morning    Now @Abigail Genevieve and @Mmindy what makes you so certain I didn’t mean it to say bee itch certificate?  lol. Thanks Mindy. I was asleep when you saw this and fixed it, and yes Abigail, as a moderator I could have fixed it myself, or weren’t you pointing out the irony of that?   I use Alexis as my alarm to get up.  And I set the ringer to be two guys telling me to get up.  I was so sound asleep when they started telling me to get up that it scared me and my first thought were I had over slept.  Since I have a difficult time getting to sleep as early as I have to in order to get enough sleep I at least cut back my normal awake time to get ready.  But now I have to do my hair and get going.   enjoyed my coffee and a little time catching up   see you all later, for its hi ho hi ho it’s off to work I go.   Willow
    • EasyE
      Republicans have long committed grave errors by emphasizing their social agenda and moral issues instead of just focusing on the economy, lowering taxes, keeping the public safe, building a strong national defense, promoting business, touting reasonable immigration policies, etc.   The country would thrive economically under Trump's tax and business policies. That's a fact. Another four years of Biden will run this country into the ground financially (including all of our 401Ks and IRAs). But the GOP continues to play right into the Dems' hands by leading with their moral crusades instead of staying the course and trusting their fiscal policies to win the day... 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/hundreds-athletes-urge-ncaa-not-ban-trans-athletes-womens-sports-rcna149033     Carolyn Marie
    • KymmieL
      Well first day is over and now getting ready for bed soon. Work was OK.   Don't know why but I am feeling down. I am heading to bed. Good Night.   Kymmie
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I our time at my place.Both admit our sex life is good,got intimate for the 2nd time and he is good at it
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  I will look those up in the document, hopefully tomorrow.   I always look at the source on stuff like this, not what someone, particularly those adversarial, have to say. 
    • MaeBe
      LGBTQ rights Project 2025 takes extreme positions against LGBTQ rights, seeking to eliminate federal protections for queer people and pursue research into conversion therapies in order to encourage gender and sexuality conformity. The policy book also lays out plans to criminalize being transgender and prohibit federal programs from supporting queer people through various policies. The project partnered with anti-LGBTQ groups the Family Policy Alliance, the Center for Family and Human Rights, and the Family Research Council. Project 2025 calls for the next secretary of Health and Human Services to “immediately put an end to the department’s foray into woke transgender activism,” which includes removing terms related to gender and sexual identity from “every federal rule, agency regulation, contract, grant, regulation, and piece of legislation that exists.” The Trump administration proposed a similar idea in 2018 that would have resulted in trans people losing protections under anti-discrimination laws. [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; The New Republic, 2/8/24] Similarly, the policy book calls for HHS to stop all research related to gender identity unless the purpose is conformity to one's sex assigned at birth. The New Republic explains: “That is, research on gender-nonconforming children and teenagers should be funded by the government, but only for the purpose of studying what will make them conform, such as denying them gender-affirming care and instead trying to change their identities through ‘counseling,’ which is a form of conversion therapy.” [The New Republic, 2/8/24] The policy book’s foreword by Kevin Roberts describes “the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children” as “pornography” that “should be outlawed,” adding, “The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned.” Roberts also says that “educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Roberts’ foreword states that “allowing parents or physicians to ‘reassign’ the sex of a minor is child abuse and must end.” Echoing ongoing right-wing attacks on trans athletes, Roberts also claims, “Bureaucrats at the Department of Justice force school districts to undermine girls’ sports and parents’ rights to satisfy transgender extremists.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; TIME magazine, 5/16/22] Dame Magazine reports that Project 2025 plans to use the Department of Justice to crack down on states that “do not charge LGBTQ people and their allies with crimes under the pretense that they are breaking federal and state laws against exposing minors to pornography.” [Dame Magazine, 8/14/23] Project 2025 also calls for the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services to repeat “its 2016 decision that CMS could not issue a National Coverage Determination (NCD) regarding ‘gender reassignment surgery’ for Medicare beneficiaries.” The policy book’s HHS chapter continues: “In doing so, CMS should acknowledge the growing body of evidence that such interventions are dangerous and acknowledge that there is insufficient scientific evidence to support such coverage in state plans.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Going further, Project 2025 also demands that the next GOP administration “reverse policies that allow transgender individuals to serve in the military.” The policy book’s chapter on the Defense Department claims: “Gender dysphoria is incompatible with the demands of military service, and the use of public monies for transgender surgeries … for servicemembers should be ended.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023]   …summaries of what’s within the rest of the document re: LGBTQ+ concerns. A person can believe their gender is fixed but incongruent with their physiology, but the authors and Trump (by his own words) just see the incongruity of an “expressed gender” that conflicts with what was/is in a person’s pants.
    • Mmindy
      Good catch… I took care of it.
    • Sally Stone
      I'm tired of the two-party system.  It has degraded to a system where there are only two diametrically opposed views, neither of which supports me.  I have conservative views regarding big government and government spending but I have very liberal views when it comes to protecting the rights of individuals.  And just elections of the past, I am stuck with two choices, neither of which I support. With only two parties, each with agendas that are off the left and right scales, I am not adequately represented.    Finally, I'm okay with party affiliated politicians running for office using their party views, but once elected to office, they are obligated to support the entire electorate not just the electorate members that voted for them.  Plain and simple, our government system is broken and dysfunctional.  I'll step down from my soapbox now.     
    • Sally Stone
      Thanks Mae.  She was an amazing friend and I grew to love her like a sister.
    • Sally Stone
      I did Ashley.  Non-rev travel was one of the major factors for taking the job.  At the time, US Airways had the best non-rev policy in the industry.  It cost $10 to fly coach and $25 to fly first class.  We flew first class whenever there were seats available.  
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You should have a moderator fix what you meant to write as "birth certificate".  Ooops.   I've gone over that verse and am wholly and completely dissatisfied with the SBC exegesis of it, so much so that it was one of the things that helped me break out of a mindset of guit.  Sometime I may strut by stuff as a Hebraist and show what it really means.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I found this   — 450 — Mandate for Leadership: The Conservative Promise Goal #1: Protecting Life, Conscience, and Bodily Integrity. The Secretary should pursue a robust agenda to protect the fundamental right to life, protect con- science rights, and uphold bodily integrity rooted in biological realities, not ideology. From the moment of conception, every human being possesses inherent dignity and worth, and our humanity does not depend on our age, stage of development, race, or abilities. The Secretary must ensure that all HHS programs and activities are rooted in a deep respect for innocent human life from day one until natural death: Abortion and euthanasia are not health care. A robust respect for the sacred rights of conscience, both at HHS and among gov- ernments and institutions funded by it, increases choices for patients and program beneficiaries and furthers pluralism and tolerance. The Secretary must protect Americans’ civil rights by ensuring that HHS programs and activities follow the letter and spirit of religious freedom and conscience-protection laws. Radical actors inside and outside government are promoting harmful identity politics that replaces biological sex with subjective notions of “gender identity” and bases a person’s worth on his or her race, sex, or other identities. This destructive dogma, under the guise of “equity,” threatens American’s fundamental liberties as well as the health and well-being of children and adults alike. The next Secretary must ensure that HHS programs protect children’s minds and bodies and that HHS programs respect parents’ basic right to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their children.   https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_CHAPTER-14.pdf   First, that is not much, if that is all that is of concern.  Secondly, I have seen all sorts of anti-Trump slander, including the Steele dossier and the lawfare he is now undergoing, to be cynical of any criticism against him, and indirectly this document.    He deserves some of what he is getting, but not all.  Thirdly, I bolded one statement of concern.   I don't think gender identity is subjective.  "Radical actors" is name calling, and there is a lot of that going around.  Maybe I am not seeing everything of concern or reading this right, but i would discuss with the author of this document concerning this.
    • Willow
      Good evening   well I finally finished reading my textbook.  Yeah.  But I still have a lot more to go for the class.     My endocrinologist always asks me about lactation.  And yes I have had some very small amounts of leakage but not on any regular basis.  I figure I blocked the discharge Duce when I pierced my nipples with scare tissue.  But who knows.  I also get asked about mammograms.  I e had my first or baseline and this fall I will need to schedule my second.   As someone in the midst of studying the Old Testament, I can say that I haven’t found any mention of pending damnation for being transgender or intersex.  The closest it comes is a verse that says men should not wear women’s clothing.  Now I don’t know each and everyone’s particulars, but I know I meet the medical definition of female gender, and even in Ohio, a State that until recently refused to allow birth certificates to be changed, I meet the criteria.  Therefore I can only conclude I am not a man wearing women’s clothing.  But there is a somewhat different scholarly explanation of that law that it should not be taken as literally as the haters want.  Mostly men should not pretend to be women to ex ape from their enemies. Or tried to hide from God.     willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Well, the left wing has been doing that.    I read a few things while trying to find out what the problem is and liked what I read.  But I am a conservative.    Is there something specific in there that is of concern?  Does it promise somewhere to erase trans folk? That would be problematic.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...