Came out and was ignored.

[NotSamuel]

About three weeks ago I came out to my parents, two and a half years after realising I was trans. It was a pretty difficult conversation at the time. They were in denial a lot. They told me it might just be a phase (over two years of knowing and any years before that of questioning), they told me I was confusing sexually and gender (which they got confused with themselves). They even accused my trans friend of “influencing” me, although I had known I was trans since long before I met him.

My mum cried, and told me that she felt that my entire identity was just a lie. They were obviously shocked and emotional so I gave them both some space for a few days, which turned into a few weeks when I became scared to bring up the subject again (plus exams and other things going on in my life meant I didn’t want to bring up any extra stress). 

 

Right now I’m exactly where I was before I came out. My parents completely ignore the fact I’m trans even though I have a trans pride flag hanging in my room. They still use lots of masculine ‘pet names’ like ‘the boy’, ‘lad’, ‘fella’, ‘son’ etc, even though they know it makes me uncomfortable. I’m way to scared to correct them, I’m not nearly confident enough to ask them to use she/ her pronouns and a part of me wants to just retreat back into the closet. 

 

Im really scared. I don’t want to go back into the closet, but I’m too afraid to talk to them. I want to do something about my situation but I feel completely incapable of taking any steps to improve it. I feel useless and incompetent and stressed with everything else going on. 

I don’t really know what I’m asking, except maybe for advice. I think I mainly just needed to vent all my stress. Either way if you do have a reply or if you’re in, or have been in, a similar situation then I’d really appreciate your advice. Thanks for reading.

[Dev]

We don't see denial as often as we do outright hostility, as responses to the news go.  It has its own pitfalls when navigating it, balancing their needs with yours.  I'm not sure of your age; are you able to start the process with the NHS on your own, or would they still have to be involved?

 

Living with them is another complicating factor.  Push too hard and they might push you out.  For the short term, involving yourself with the trans community on a regular basis can be a kind of touchstone.  It'll keep you grounded in who you are and give you bits of respite from the denial at home.

 

Another fleeting thought - if you currently see a therapist, asking next time you visit to set up a joint session with your parents wouldn't be a bad idea.  It's a total appeal to authority as far as arguments go, but it could be what gets them thinking.

[ToniTone]

I don't have any advice from experience. My coming out went different. 

 

I will say this. Don't be afraid to be who you are, even if they're in denial about it. If you can withouthe the detriment of your housing, assert yourself. Maybe, through reluctance, they'll come to accept you. 

[Charlize]

I would think that your parents would respond to a request to your talking to a therapist.  I know my wife suggested that possibly thinking that my "problem" would be removed.   Instead my therapist helped me find, accept and move towards myself.  I'm sure your mom and dad want the best for you.  They have a mindset as to your gender which has developed since your birth.  It will take time to see you as their daughter.

Try not to get upset.  Try to relax and enjoy today.  It will work out in time.  Unfortunately it's never easy.

Just know others walk similar paths and thrive over time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[ToniTone]

I must my advice might not be the best, I don't know you or parents mindset or situation. 

 

But as Charlize and Dev said, seeing a therapist (one who is learned and supportive in gender topics) with your parents, might open up dialogue and understanding for y'all. 

[Bananarama]

NS,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that things hadn't gone as smoothly as you hoped. Sometimes those you care about most can seem thick and slow to grasp what's going on, whilst other times things go better than expected. Many times friends and loved ones will go through a mourning process, leaving the old you behind before accepting the new.

 

Through all this, however, please don't despair, and most importantly never lose your cool. As you probably realize by now, the most important lesson learned from life is that of being patient.

 

The best advice I can offer is to give gentle nudges. When misgendered, quietly correct them; nothing more than a whisper mind, and move forward as though nothing had happened. Give those you care about most time to get over their hangups, their misunderstandings, and most of all, their grieving.

 

Best wishes! ?

[Amrisa]

The other piece of advice is to never keep the door shut on them if happens to get closed. It took my parents at least 8 years to at least accept me for who I am.

 

for me personally, I don't really care if they still male pronouns and name. Than again I didn't come out to them til I was 22 years old.  I know they aren't doing out of spite.

 

[Lexi C]

Hey Dev and Charlize are on the money with getting yr parents to TG. All I know is this. at 55 I came out to my friends and fam . I been out as CD for 10yrs prior to in L.A.  I shock at how accepting a major of then were, but some were not. However, I was so happy to finally be free of the guilt ,the not speak up for myself, afraid of being hurt... that I forget to realize that its taken me 55 yrs it did not happen over night for me.  So I should not expect my live long friends and some fam members to change their minds at my decision just like that. It going to take then time, Bananarama  and Amrisa are  on point as well, if they love you they will accept you. Hell mom and sis did and I though that would never been possible,  Good Luck. Keep us update. 

[DrumbeatAlex]

oh my gosh this response is long, i am sorry. ?

 

This can really suck. I'm in pretty much the same position to you. I came out to my friends and family but my parents have just been in complete denial about it. I'm still living with my parents and also had a bit of a delay responding to their denial (partially due to not wanting to add extra stress to my life- I dont want to have a huge fight with my parents about it). 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Options include:

- have a one on one conversation with each of them (one at a time stops them ganging up on you and feeding off each other)Admittedly, this has only partially worked for me...okay it mostly hasn't worked..but my dad might be coming around (its hard to tell..but he might not be correcting people on my gender now when i get "misgendered"..so maybe that's something..).

 

- Getting them to come talk with your therapist (if you have one) might also work. Though I can imagine with my parents they would just block their ears and maybe discourage me from seeing that therapist again. ?

 

- get them to go along to a trans group meet up. My local group runs a "family meetup" where parents of trans kids meetup and talk together in a non-judgmental space...hearing other parent's struggles and experiences might help your parents understand. and hearing positive stories might make them more accepting. I haven't tried this with my folks yet though.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It can be really difficult. Ultimately, you cant make them change- I think thats important to remember in order to stay sane (don't use excessive energy trying to change something out of your control). Surround yourself with supportive people and don't be afraid of having those people use your correct pronouns in front of your parents. Normalise it and maybe they'll realise it doesn't have to be a huge deal.

 

Help yourself first. If you're too stressed with life to deal with your parents and the trans stuff, thats okay. You can deal with it when you feel up to it. Try to validate yourself in other ways and reduce the stress in other areas of life which you have more direct control over.

 

What has helped me the most is just being certain of my own identity and comfortable with it. I know who I am, my parents know who I am and whether my parents accept it or not, who I am isnt changing.

You don't have to go back in the closet. You know they know now and they havevn't kicked you out, they clearly don't understand just yet, but can you keep going on your journey anyway? Their response is denial, not anger (as I understand it)..and that's sort of a good thing. Tread carefully but you don't have to hide anymore.

[Lexi C]

drumbeat that's all you can do...OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK..Much lv