Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Transitioning thoughts and questions


Captain

Recommended Posts

Hello!

.I'm new in the forum, but a veteran Captain in the wild bloody fields of the transgender battlefield

.As a boy (a big boy actually, but manhood is unreachable for me yet, considering the chaos in my inner and outer worlds). So, yeah, I'm trapped in a female body

Trying to find some femininity inside me, I spent my puberty trying to figure out what a woman is. And what a man is. Except for the clear physical differnces, I found nothing. Not even my femininity, that I never owned probably

Unlike Napoleon who didn't know when he's about to lose a fight, now I know which battles are not worthy my efforts, and which ones will bring my spiritually death

This are the facts, and I need any idea and advice that you might have, each and any of you. Because you're dealing with the same -crap- I do on a daily basis. And to reach the moon, you'll first ask an astronaut :)

:Facts

.I'm a female, nice breasts which I could really live without, a bit short but thanks to my attitude and my over self-esteem, I don't care - therefore nobody does

.My body isn't very feminine - and with my comfy t-shirts people don't treat me always as a girl, but more the way you'd treat some cute alien

Allegedly, I'm already half-way to feel and be the man I am. Right? WRONG

.The transgender among us already know that it helps dysphoria like a cup of water help the sea

 

:Here comes your part

I suffer from Gender Dysphoria (GD) almost every second of my life. I came to the conclusion that it's something I'll have to handle my entire life, even after transitoning (and if you think vice-versa, please write that, with your explanation or your experience as ones who already transitioned)

.So in my opinion, I'm trying to raise my "happiness percentage" from the about 5% I was in the beginning of my journey, to the highest amount of happiness and freedom level I can get

Right now I will put myself at the 25%. I want at least 60, 70 I wish! But it's tricky, because the higher you get, the hardest is to find another way to let myself rest from the GD and decrease its frequency and strength

I'm a very unique person, even among transgender people. My therapists and psychiatrists who are familiar with the subject, remain speechless with me. Not because I'm special, but because that my brain is built in a weird way. I'm telling that becaue that in the next lines I will say things that are right for me, and not necessarily for other people in my situation

:Now here comes the thing, my harsh facrs from my reality

Transitioning to male won't make me a male. It will make me a transgender FTM. I'm built with a calculating point of view, and physical transitioning for me will make more problems than it will solve .(and I'm talking about myself!) I wish I could be one of those successfully transitioned guys, but in my case it won't work, and that's a fact

.I never live according to society rules, and I think that I might do well with the idea that my tits don't make me less a man

:Therefore, I ask for your advice

Do you think that my attitude, thinking that my body shape says nothing abou tme even if I remain inside this shape? LB Hannas lives that way (she made a TED Talk) and if it seems to work fine for her. 

For those among you who transitioned (because I like to check my options): if I'll have a top surgery (removing my breasts) without talking hormones. Only the surgery,. Will I look good, or just a female hairless body with some flat and scarred thing instead of a chest? I work out a lot and already got some abs, but girl's abs

, And that's it. Any insights, reinforcement, argues or simply your words in any form you'd like to spell them, I appreciate that, Thanks!

 
 
 
Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Captain, welcome.

 

You're correct (IMO) that transitioning won't make you the person you desire to be, without the mindset to go with it.  You have to believe in yourself.  You can do it, I know it.  As to how you might look, it really only matters to you.  How will you feel about yourself?  A positive self image is a powerful thing to behold.  

 

Please join in the conversation.

 

Cheers, Jani 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Captain.

I certainly understand what you are saying.  As a trans woman i'll never be a cis gender woman.  Birth gave me the wrong equipment to be myself.  I can say that i feel so much better now that i have had some surgery and am on HRT.  Oddly HRT not only changed my body a bit but has also has changed my degree of self acceptance.  When negative thoughts come up time as myself has given me the ability to move on.  Overall i'm happier than i've ever been.  At least i'm honest with myself and the world around so i can better deal with my feelings.

Therapy helped as did the realization that i wasn't alone.  Please feel free to join in here.  Somehow reading about others as i share my own journey has helped.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Hi! HRT can help with your physical appearance in many ways. It can also help with your GD. Once you’re on HRT, the body building part should really work well. Especially if you work your upper body. Your body can do only so much if you have more E than T.   

HRT helped me with my GD, attitude and physical appearance. It takes time, but the forward progress helps a lot. Celebrate Baby steps. Do not look for overnight success, this is a Journey, pace yourself. 

Link to comment

I don't think your body defines you. Society likes to say it does.

 

It can certainly help to manipulate your body to suit your preferences to help with GD, but if you worked to accept your shell you were born into, I don't think that's wrong. I'm sure you'd gain some form of spiritual freedom if you managed to be successful at it.

 

Attitude about yourself does matter. I believe you would probably need to surround yourself with other like-minded people who share your attitude and can see you for the man you are, despite your "tits", as you put it. I've done that, and it seriously alleviates my GD. If you don't have people who perceive  and affirm your gender correctly, you may risk forever being perceived as a cis-woman by your social circle. 

 

My high school boyfirend ended up fully transitioning by age 20. I didn't. 

 

I didn't for a few reasons, one of which was because of the reason you described. My body wouldn't be the one I dreamed of having; the body I was meant to have. So I took a step back to process that. And I really struggled with it and grieved over never being able to have it. Like you, I wanted to find a way to accept my body as is. Because I have a good and healthy body, and I felt that I should appreciate that about myself.

Now, after almost 10 years have passed with me trying to accept my born body, I have let go of the "ideal" (cis-body) I previously yearned for. I would not feel constricted or short-changed by doing HRT and getting top surgery. I would be so grateful to have them. My body would be beautiful, male, and it would be mine.  

 

Do what works best for you in the moment and be open to shifting tides as you age..

 

Best wishes,

-Rey

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Ellora said:

Celebrate Baby steps. Do not look for overnight success, this is a Journey, pace yourself. 

you said sister

Link to comment

I have a very analytical mind and at times it can be troublesome to myself. I was unhappy for decades but my mind couldn't rationalize that I was not truly male. I could debate other people on all sorts of subjects and from different points of view' even ones that I didn't support myself because I would play the devil advocate.  I have come to realize that you can only change what you have control over, you can't control how other feel about you. You have to love yourself in all things of life to move forward.

 

Link to comment
13 minutes ago, Laura Beth said:

you can't control how other feel about you

“You can please half the people half the time, but not all the people all of the time.”

 

Link to comment

Ellora u r on a roll..Heck Yeah..that deserves..OOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkk.

 

Link to comment
Just now, Alex C said:

Ellora u r on a roll..Heck Yeah..that deserves..OOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkk.

 

::Three Snaps in Z formation::?

Link to comment

Hey!
I just want to add that I appreciate your replies, so quick and so helpful. 

I had my psychiatrist diagnosis today and there was nothing new for me - he diagnosed me as owning a male gender identity and suffering from GD (a big surprise, I know) :( But he recommended to sign-up for a gender clinic, to check my options.

Anyways, I'll see what I can do next, because I've reached my limit of self-acceptance (and it's pretty high btw, it's just not enough to let me have breaks from the GD, and as a resault, more quiet life).

Thanks again for your time and words.

Link to comment
Just now, Captain said:

he diagnosed me as owning a male gender identity and suffering from GD (a big surprise, I know) :( But he recommended to sign-up for a gender clinic, to check my options.

Great news. Being diagnosed by a doctor are important steps in Journey, our Journeys. The system requires paperwork, and this will help you in your next step(s) when you visit the "gender clinic, and anything else in your future. 

Remember, Baby Steps are Big Steps, cause all steps can lead to better ones, no matter how small you might think they are. Celebrate!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Great news.  Going to a clinic to work with knowledgeable accepting folks is a great step forward.  Thanks for sharing your progress.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 125 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Ashley0616
    • Willow
    • Karen Carey
    • MaeBe
    • Miss Cormac
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Raelyn
    Newest Member
    Raelyn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...