I finally booked some therapy

[reyindium]

Like others on here, I'm sharing that I've finally gone and made an appointment with a counselor. His title is "Counselor, LMHC-T" and he specializes in LGBTQ issues, particularly transgender. His introduction page on his webpage specifically mentioned how he takes pride in being open and affirming to everyone that enters his office. That really resonated with me, gave me hope, and I dwelled over him for a couple weeks debating whether or not to make an appointment. I struggled a lot because making an appointment felt like a point of no return for me; an official acknowledgement that I need help.

Well, I caved in and called...and I get to see him next Monday! (Wasn't expecting to be seen until August or something). I also wasn't anticipating an emotional reaction to making the appointment but I had one, right there in my car. My eyes welled up and my throat got all tight and I was so stunned by the sense of relief and excitement I had because I was finally doing it. I've put off getting therapy about my gender for years thinking I could just handle it on my own; that it would go away or I could bury it deep enough it wouldn't be a daily issue. But my dysphoria only grows along with my discontent. 
And now, I officially have a therapist to help me work through my baggage. Reading about so much success with gender therapy on here only gives me hope for a good outcome for myself.

Thanks for reading!

[Lexi C]

I have so much lv for you right now...Advice..Be yr self ,open yr mind to all possibilities and never fear truth,,, Step one Therapy, step two( there's is no step two), step three profit...your on yr away...

[Charlize]

I am glad to hear you've made this step!  Regardless of the path we take opening up to a nonjudgemental person can help.  I can speak to the truth of that from my own experience.  After hiding in shame and fear for a lifetime i was able to open up.  Experiences and feelings just poured out.  Like you i cried but also started to feel a new energy i hadn't expected.  

Thank you for sharing here.  Enjoy your journey!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

Therapy is such an awesome tool! Really reach inside and share the hard things. They may be scary but they are the things that really make the difference. It truly takes a little practice to get good at therapy. 

Good luck!! Such a great step forward!! 

[Jani]

Yes to Charlize's and Kirsten's posts.  I was so relieved after my first appointment that a weight had been removed from my shoulders I had shared my secret and I was starting on the road to peace within.   Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you well at your upcoming appointment.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[reyindium]

20 hours ago, Alex C said:

I have so much lv for you right now...Advice..Be yr self ,open yr mind to all possibilities and never fear truth,,, Step one Therapy, step two( there's is no step two), step three profit...your on yr away...

omg....did you just quote southpark at me? lol epic

#underpantsgnomesftw

[reyindium]

13 hours ago, Charlize said:

I am glad to hear you've made this step!  Regardless of the path we take opening up to a nonjudgemental person can help.  I can speak to the truth of that from my own experience.  After hiding in shame and fear for a lifetime i was able to open up.  Experiences and feelings just poured out.  Like you i cried but also started to feel a new energy i hadn't expected.  

Thank you for sharing here.  Enjoy your journey!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

I really relate to the feelings you convey on many of your posts on here. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us...I certainly appreciate reading about them. I don't want to spend my life hiding or being ashamed of myself. I'm glad that you were able to move past that and live your best life as your honest self.

[reyindium]

12 hours ago, Kirsten said:

Therapy is such an awesome tool! Really reach inside and share the hard things. They may be scary but they are the things that really make the difference. It truly takes a little practice to get good at therapy. 

Good luck!! Such a great step forward!! 

Thank you, Kristen. I have a lot of fear. Right now, all my baggage is cooped up and hidden and frequently neglected or ignored. 

Once I start saying all this out loud to a therapist, I feel like it's going to be Pandora's box. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but it felt like a life changing moment to make an appointment for gender therapy. It feels like there's no going back; I've hit the point of no return. It's terrifying because I have so much good I could lose and I don't want to ruin my life. But I can't stay as I am either.

[reyindium]

11 hours ago, Jani said:

Yes to Charlize's and Kirsten's posts.  I was so relieved after my first appointment that a weight had been removed from my shoulders I had shared my secret and I was starting on the road to peace within.   Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you well at your upcoming appointment.  

 

Cheers, Jani

Thank you for your well wishes, I appreciate them. I long for inner peace and I know it won't be a brief or easy journey...but I'm proud of myself for taking the first step. What's funny is that making the appointment felt a little like coming out. When I've chosen to share my sexuality or gender identity with someone important, it always seemed to ease a weight I never knew I was dragging around. 

[Ellora]

22 hours ago, reyindium said:

and I get to see him next Monday!

Yay!! Congratulations!! I know exactly how you feel. After I decided to make the call, everything else started to fall into place. Then the other appointments came one right after the other. It was scary at first, but it felt soooooo good. 

Im very happy for you! 

[Lexi C]

2 hours ago, reyindium said:

omg....did you just quote southpark at me? lol epic

#underpantsgnomesftw

yup lol

[TommieAnne]

Congratulations, that's good news.

incidentally, we all need help sooner or later.

That first session can be a real wringer, too.

In mine, I opened up and blurted out all this stuff I'd squelched for so long, including feeling insecure that I would be unattractive.

Since then things are going better, I'll get there. You will too.

It just takes time. And we're all running on our own internal clock, doing things when we're ready.

[reyindium]

20 hours ago, Ellora said:

Yay!! Congratulations!! I know exactly how you feel. After I decided to make the call, everything else started to fall into place. Then the other appointments came one right after the other. It was scary at first, but it felt soooooo good. 

Im very happy for you! 

Thank you so much. I hope to take things at a slower pace than what you described, but I am so happy to be progressing forward with this. But nervous too. I also hope to feel as good after I've had the appointment. 

6 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

Congratulations, that's good news.

incidentally, we all need help sooner or later.

That first session can be a real wringer, too.

In mine, I opened up and blurted out all this stuff I'd squelched for so long, including feeling insecure that I would be unattractive.

Since then things are going better, I'll get there. You will too.

It just takes time. And we're all running on our own internal clock, doing things when we're ready.

Admitting I needed help was difficult. I tried so hard to manage this on my own.

I'm worried about crying my way through my entire first session. All my repression and high emotions...

 

I don't like crying in front of others. I get really embarrassed by it. And although I know I won't be the first to do it in therapy, I hope it's not going to be the first impression I make.

[Ellora]

1 hour ago, reyindium said:

. I hope to take things at a slower pace than what you described,

always go at a pace that works best for you.

[TommieAnne]

On 7/11/2019 at 8:56 PM, reyindium said:

Thank you so much. I hope to take things at a slower pace than what you described, but I am so happy to be progressing forward with this. But nervous too. I also hope to feel as good after I've had the appointment. 

Admitting I needed help was difficult. I tried so hard to manage this on my own.

I'm worried about crying my way through my entire first session. All my repression and high emotions...

 

I don't like crying in front of others. I get really embarrassed by it. And although I know I won't be the first to do it in therapy, I hope it's not going to be the first impression I make.

I have always cried when I got really upset.

But I cry in therapy a lot. I don't think it's bad to do.

Letting go of things is painful sometimes, and many of us have suffered emotionally trying repress or hide our true selves.

Your therapist isn't there for you to make a good impression - just let it all hang out so you can sort through these things.

And don't give up.

[reyindium]

10 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

Your therapist isn't there for you to make a good impression

You make an extremely valid point with this and I appreciate you sharing it with me. Thank you!

[TommieAnne]

On 7/14/2019 at 10:48 PM, reyindium said:

You make an extremely valid point with this and I appreciate you sharing it with me. Thank you!

I had to chew on this for a couple of days, forgive me.

I know for myself that I have always been anxious to please others. To a fault. While I suspect that many of us are in that same boat, I won't paper over others' experience.

In trying to sort this stuff out, I/we have to relook/relearn how we relate to others, how we present ourselves, plus get honest feedback about ourselves.

It's hard work. Painful. A real struggle.

A magic wand would solve a lot of things, but I'm all out of those, so the hard slog is what's left to work with.

[reyindium]

On 7/20/2019 at 9:50 AM, TammyAnne said:

I had to chew on this for a couple of days, forgive me.

I know for myself that I have always been anxious to please others. To a fault. While I suspect that many of us are in that same boat, I won't paper over others' experience.

In trying to sort this stuff out, I/we have to relook/relearn how we relate to others, how we present ourselves, plus get honest feedback about ourselves.

It's hard work. Painful. A real struggle.

A magic wand would solve a lot of things, but I'm all out of those, so the hard slog is what's left to work with.

I agree with you that we need to be our honest selves to receive the best help and feedback. I was programmed by an abusive stepfather to please others. If I was unsuccessful in doing what was expected of me, my life was hell. So wearing a mask and muting my feelings have become an automatic and ingrained response of mine to social situations. I've struggled for years to break free from this behavior. It's a difficult flaw to overcome. It is also a prime contributor to why I've fluctuated terribly with my gender presentation despite my (closeted) confidence in my identity. Swung from one extreme to another over and over for years because I am perpetually expecting punishment from my parents and others for being myself.

 

So, I took your advice and was simply myself at my appointment. And I ended up appreciating sharing my authenticity, even if that came packaged with some shed tears in front of a stranger.

[TommieAnne]

That's really good news.

I wish you continued success in your path forward.