What am I?

[Mia1982]

So long story but I want to cover all the base because I think it's important for the bigger picture. 

I am really just looking to find out if trans women have had similar experiences as me because gender has been pretty confusing for me. As far as professional help I have been getting some as well so I am just wondering if anyone can relate with anything I fell and how they dealt with it. 

So when I was young, I'd say about 5, I used to want to be a girl. I remember having dreams about waking up and being a girl and that made me happy. I never really voiced my dreams and thoughts to my parents because I grew up in ultra-conservative house so that would of been a bad situation for me that got nowhere positive. Yet those feelings were pretty strong. To help calm those feelings down and make me feel more girly I would sneak into my parents room and borrow my mom's pantyhose and wear them under my pajamas. We used to wear the one piece footed PJ's with the zipper in the front so I could put on my hose then zip it away under my PJs. No one had to know a thing etc. When i played with my girl cousins we'd sometimes play super heroes and I would always want to play the girl character and get upset when they wouldn't let me.

As I got into my adolescent years those feelings started to fade and like most boys I got into girls. I was 18 when I lost my virginity and I think I dated that girl for a year or so. We broke up and I met the girl I ended up spending my entire 20s with and once I hit 30 we split and I have been single since with dating / sex here and there with different women. When I was dating the long-term girl though the dysphoria of wanting to be female started creeping back in. We lived together so sometimes I would wear her clothes or use her toys when she was out because I wanted to feel girly. I always wanted to get rid of body hair too but that would be way too obvious when she saw my legs were shaved. I kinda brushed it all off as maybe some weird kink. I mean, I was doing all the "man things" so in my mind I just suppressed it down and moved on with life. 

So that relationship ended like 8 years ago and since then as I stated previously I have had basic casual dating with women here and there. Just so it's said I have never been with a man or attracted to them. Which also really makes this confusing because I am definitely attracted to women and not men. Any transgender women have that sexuality trait? 

So in-between casual dating I have finally been alone enough to explore more of my femininity. I finally worked up the nerve to shave off all my hair because it feels right to me and I more girly. I started exploring more with beauty products, makeup, I paint my toe nails and they make my heart so happy and I love seeing them sparkle. Like really, I feel like it's me and gives me this warm feeling of comfort just being a girl.  I started messing with clothing, shoes, etc and it all feels natural to me. So I reached out and started talking to a therapist and eventually I even talked about my feminine self to a close friend of mine and she encourages me to keep exploring. It feels so good every time I dabble in anything female, like it's totally me for the first time in my life just being genuinely me. I do feel like a woman when I am openly letting her out/exploring. 

So here is one of the big things I am questioning now and why I made this post so long explaining my past. Most days out and about I am envious of women. I want to wear the same things and just interact in my natural feminine way but I am also still attracted to women so basically anytime I get into a romantic relationship I have to again suppress my feelings down and assume the male role. I try growing my body hair back so she doesn't know, even though I hate it, but when I am with a girl my dysphoria lessens. There's a period where I am like "I've got this man thing down. This relationship is going good, all is well". But then over time as the relationship matures it starts to creep back in. And that's where I am like why? I thought I had this beat? And I start to question my gender identity again. Then we eventually break it off and the girl inside me is back to waxing off my hair, being girly etc. What is it about being with a girl that lessens my dysphoria? It makes me question like maybe it's some other underlining issues I am not seeing and not a gender identify one. Anyone experience that fluctuating levels of dysphoria based on current relationship statuses or life situations? 

I am wondering if maybe I am using romantic relationships with women as a way to cope with my gender dysphoria of feeling like a girl trapped in a boys body? Because when I am around them I am attracted to them and I do go full boy mode and possibly date them for a time.  I don't know. 

Through therapy I have been asked many things but one is if I could be a woman now with no issues with family, social, etc would you? And I answer with an absolute yes. I feel like a woman and would like my entire physical body to align with that but why do I not feel that as strongly when I am engaged in a relationship with a woman? Shouldn't dysphoria be something driving me nuts everyday? Like "OMG I can't stand presenting as a man another day" type feeling? I don't get that way. I can totally function as a man and that really confuses me a lot. 

Why does this dysphoria kind of comes and go?

Side note, the therapist did recommend me trying estrogen for a few months and test how I feel.I am just not sure yet. So confused so as easy as it would be to start HRT I am not sure I want to do something so drastic without more self-discovery of answering more of the why I am the way I am. 
 

So my question is are there any women that have experienced any of this before, during, after transition? What did you do, try, explore etc to find things out for yourself?

[Susan R]

Thank you Mia for your introduction and welcome.  Your story is very similar to mine in so many ways.  The details are slightly different but I too have experienced the on/ off gender dysphoria cycle you've explained in you story.  I was 56 when I started my transition with an HRT regimen and it has finally stopped my gender dysphoria dead in its tracks.  I'm not saying transitioning is the answer for you too but we do share much in common in our lives.  I'm finally at very much at peace with myself and fully accept I am and always have been a woman.  I hope you continue to explore yourself with the help of your therapist.  The answers may reveal themselves in time.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Astrid]

Hi, Mia!

 

For me, as well, dysphoria has been quite cyclic (my gender identity is non-binary).  And, my gender therapist recommended last week that I, too, should benefit from low-dosage HRT with regard to addressing my dysphoria.  So I'm actively looking into getting that started.   It's not just for younger folks -- I'm retired ?

 

Astrid 

[Mia1982]

Susan, 

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. Before you started HRT, do you recall specific things where or when you would experience the on and off again dysphoria? Maybe when you were less busy with life in general, or maybe while dating, or anything that really triggered it on or off? 

[Mia1982]

Hi, Astrid!

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Have you always had a constant dysphoria or is it something that kind of comes and goes? And in regards to HRT, that is something that really makes me nervous. How do you feel about it? Are you excited, nervous, maybe somewhere in-between? 

[Mia1982]

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

I was 56 when I started my transition with an HRT regimen and it has finally stopped my gender dysphoria dead in its tracks.  

Also, something I have been thinking about is, why do you think HRT stopped dysphoria dead in its tracks? Sometimes I feel like maybe testosterone kind of keeps me in this cycle and makes it harder to self-identify myself if that makes sense. I don't have any research done or anything to back that up I just look at my patterns and think maybe it clouds my ability for self-discovery and maybe why I have this on and off again dysphoria. Can you maybe share on how HRT helped you before and after treatment began?

[ToniTone]

Hi, and welcome! Your story sounds so relatable. I'm almost 32 and started hrt/transition 3 1/2 months ago. I still have moments of dysphoria, mostly regarding face and body hair. But for me starting hormones was one of the best decisions I ever made, I feel like I'm finally getting something I've been missing. Whether or not you transition medically is your decision. It's not detrimental to whether or not you're trans, it's just reaffirming. 

 

You don't necessarily need to be dysphoric to be transgender. It's more about what you identify as. 

 

As for attraction to women, it's not at all uncommon. I'm more strongly attracted to fems and femininity myself. I'm attracted to women, but I also want to be them, lol!.. Gender identity and sexuality are two different components of who we are as humans. 

 

It's good you're inquiring with your therapist about these things. You can always inquire with folks in the community too, such as here. This forum is an awesome resource, everyone here is pretty helpful and supportive, this place helped me a lot! Don't be shy, you'll find a lot of support here. 

 

~Toni

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

Before you started HRT, do you recall specific things where or when you would experience the on and off again dysphoria? Maybe when you were less busy with life in general, or maybe while dating, or anything that really triggered it on or off? 

Back in my early 20's when the club scene was popular and before I started experimenting with presenting female in public, I felt dysphoric doing the whole "picking up a girl" scenario.  Maybe it was because I wanted to be the passive one in the relationship.  This is when I felt the most disdain for my male self.  I did masculine activities during this period of my life to try to stop the dysphoria but it did not help at all.  After I started attending a TS/TV group (today called Transgender Support group), I moved away from friends and family and started being myself when not working.  This helped greatly for about ten years of my life...until I met my wife and I suppressed Susan for 22 years.

 

20 minutes ago, Mia1982 said:

...why do you think HRT stopped dysphoria dead in its tracks? Sometimes I feel like maybe testosterone kind of keeps me in this cycle and makes it harder to self-identify myself if that makes sense.... Can you maybe share on how HRT helped you before and after treatment began?

In my case, within weeks of starting HRT my temperament changed and anxiety dropped considerably.  My wife noticed it and after several months.  Beginning to dress female more and more was what really helped though.  I was beginning to feel like I was becoming who I was always supposed to be.  I felt more confident and eventually was able to socially transition.  I feel like a completely different person and wake up each day excited to see what it will bring.  I rarely had this feeling as a male.  I was always wishing for another reality.

 

i don't think I understand your last question or I am reading it wrong.  HRT had no effect before I started the regimen.  I was, of course, excited beforehand because I thought it might be what I was looking for but it was not until I actually started changing myself medically with HRT that my entire world started changing for the better.  I hope that helps a little.

 

Susan R?

[AmberM]

So I get the dysphoria going in waves. I have had waves since elementary school, and things have only escalated more recently where I have seriously debated starting transitioning. I think I can understand want I g to do more self discovery before you make a decision to medically transition.

 

I have personally set a goal of checking in a year to see if I am ready. There are certain goals that I am going to meet to say yes, I am ready to !medically transition.

[Mia1982]

Amber, 

 

What are some of the goals you are trying to meet? How does the dysphoria come in waves? Thanks for you response!

[Mia1982]

Susan, 

 

I don't really have any anxiety issues for the most part. Did you experience this anxiety more at home or work/out in public, or was it more of a random thing? I will say since coming out to my friend she has been pushing me to do more things like dress and is trying to get me out in public as female and that gives me great anxiety and stress, but presenting as male has never really giving me what I would call anxiety. As far as dressing female in public it just gives me anxiety bc of fear and people not being very nice. 

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

Did you experience this anxiety more at home or work/out in public, or was it more of a random thing?

It was more random than anything but circumstances could make it worse.  Most of my anxiety wasn't from the gender dysphoria every time.  Sometimes the anxiety was simply caused by the anticipation of having an upcoming opportunity to dress as myself and possibly being caught.  Other times it was NOT having any chance to dress as myself seemingly for a very long time.  

 

2 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

...my friend she has been pushing me to do more things like dress and is trying to get me out in public as female and that gives me great anxiety and stress.

I would tell her in the nicest way possible that you need to slow down and go at your own pace.  There's no need to be pushed into something that causes you anxiety and stress.

 

2 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

...dressing female in public it just gives me anxiety bc of fear and people not being very nice. 

A lot of this depends where you live I guess.  I'm in an area that doesn't seem to care what anyone wears or how they present.  I've had one guy l roll his eyes at my wife when walking past us the very first time I presented female in public.  I had very short hair then and felt I didn't pass well at all.  Since then, I haven't had a single negative remark or gesture made to me or my wife while out in public and we are out and about every day.  The reports of harassment in our area are extremely far and few between.  Your mileage may vary due to your location but after awhile confidence in yourself as a woman increases and what eventually happens is that you just don't give a damn! (Admins feel free to edit that as needed).  I was told early on that this would happen but I just couldn't see it as a truth for me.  Well, it did and it likely will for you too.  Just give it time and don't let anyone but yourself push you into it.

 

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

12 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

 

So my question is are there any women that have experienced any of this before, during, after transition? What did you do, try, explore etc to find things out for yourself?

Hi Mia, you have already had some really good answers.

 

I can relate to the stealing clothes to wear, I used to "borrow" from my sisters and my mum and then later when I was married I would sometimes wear my wife's clothes in secret. I would never shave/wax because it would require admitting that I liked it. I exclusively saw myself as a straight guy. The marriage did not work out, but it was only when it ended that I recently started asking myself why I liked wearing female clothes so much and was drawn to this site. I started as just purely questioning but am waiting for my meetings with a gender therapist through the NHS, for me HRT is something I want to try. I have accepted that I am trans and think and feel like a woman but my body is absolutely that of a man when I look in the mirror. Physically and socially transitioning will not fix my problems from my marriage ending and will offer up a whole host of issues around my kids, family and friends so it is easier not to. But I do not want to end up a statistic either.

 

 I get waves of hating all my hair and meticulously shaving, some waves where I need to wear panties or ladies socks under my male clothes, and when I can paint my toe nails because getting my eyebrows or fingernails done would be too obvious. Then there are times when I stop thinking about my body and retreat into my head and spend more time interacting online so I can express myself without being hung up on the physical part of transitioning. Like waves lapping on a beach but since I started questioning not a single day goes past that I am not thinking about gender in some way, shape or form.

 

My question for you is at this moment - regardless of whether you choose to transition or not, what do you hope the outcome of your questions will be? 

[Jani]

2 hours ago, DeeDee said:

My question for you is at this moment - regardless of whether you choose to transition or not, what do you hope the outcome of your questions will be? 

Great question! 

[Mia1982]

Deedee, 

 

I totally understand a lot of what you're saying about it being easier not to transition. Since working with my therapist and coming out to my friend it's been really interesting. On one side you really want to experiment more, and I am, but on the other you see how this really effects your life in terms of career, family, friends, etc. Plus, I can't speak for you, but for me it feels safer being a guy to me versus upending my entire image I've built over the years even when it's not how I feel inside if that makes sense. 

 

Then, to your point, passing is such an important thing for me and I see it is for a lot of others as well as I read through the forums and comments. Being in my late 30s there has been a lot of irreversible features already done via testosterone and it's of course a concern for me as you have also voiced a similar concern with certain features of your appearance and I understand that. 

 

I'm very analytical I guess in my approach so so to answer your question I'm asking questions to learn and grow and to find commonality and differences between others with similar issues to help me find where I sit on the scale of gender. 

[AmberM]

9 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

Amber, 

 

What are some of the goals you are trying to meet? How does the dysphoria come in waves? Thanks for you response!

 

Man example of one of my goals is to grow out my hair. Right now it is short, so this will take some time. Another goal is to drop some of my weight so when I start hormones it is not as difficult to lose. Then the milestone of trying to go out in public as Amber. For the most part I only do it at home, I would like to go out in public first. Even if it is at something like Pride or another LGBT event.

[Astrid]

On 7/15/2019 at 11:26 AM, Mia1982 said:

I'm asking questions to learn and grow and to find commonality and differences between others with similar issues to help me find where I sit on the scale of gender. 

 

For me, I've learned that there is nothing to be gained by attempting to quantify "exactly" where you sit on the gender spectrum.  I'm not 68% female and 32% male, or any other particular numeric assignment.   It's sufficient that I confidently and definitely lean toward the feminine spectrum, and that I'm more comfortable when expressing my female self.   As long as you can establish that you're not cis, that puts you somewhere that's appropriate for you (at this time) on the spectrum. 

 

Where and how I express my femininity is part of what is evolving over time.  Lots of little steps, lots of experimentation (for example, finding nail polish that blends well with my skin tone and doesn't attract a lot of attention -- unless I'm at Pride or a trans friendly event, where I can wear whatever colors I want ?).

 

On 7/14/2019 at 8:31 PM, Mia1982 said:

Hi, Astrid!

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Have you always had a constant dysphoria or is it something that kind of comes and goes? And in regards to HRT, that is something that really makes me nervous. How do you feel about it? Are you excited, nervous, maybe somewhere in-between? 

 

My dysphoria is not constant.  Typically it builds up over time, during which time I'm increasingly irritable -- angry both with myself and to others.  Gender therapy has helped a lot with this, now that I feel much more confident that I can share what I'm going through with my spouse, but it doesn't entirely eliminate the dysphoria.  That's where I'm hopeful that HRT in small dosage will be helpful.  And, yes, I'm excited about that! ? I am SO sick of the effects of dysphoria and the mental toll it takes -- it's the motivational factor of that that is driving me forward.

 

I've come a long way since that dysphoria caused me to come out to my spouse on May 21, 2018, and has reinforced how important it is to keep moving forward, one step at a time, toward tackling the mental toll that dysphoria takes.

 

Astrid