Nervous to start university

[benzenemess]

I'm going to start studying in university next month. I'm excited to meet new friends but also nervous. As a closeted trans, all I can do is wear neutral dark colored clothing and avoid gendered things.

 

I'm afraid that I will not be able to gain friends because I'm so different with them. I don't enjoy the things they do, I don't even have instagram. People my age here likes to joke about love, relationship, being alone, one day marrying, but that's not me. I don't like romance stuff and I plan not to marry and just dedicate myself to a certain job in the future.

 

I'm also scared if the orientation will have gendered activities. Or if they will divide us to groups based on sex, but I hope not. I don't mind having to sleep with my same sex friends but I can't really do it in social life.

 

How can I cope with this?

[Krisvm]

Does the university you are going to have an LGBTQ+ society or equality representatives at all? I know some you can email before hand and ask these kind of things and for advice.

[benzenemess]

No, I don't think this university (or any university in my country) has any LGBT+ groups. I'm not sure I can know if there is any secret group until I start studying there.

[Charlize]

It sounds like you will need to stay closeted for some time.  Hopefully you will find others who feel as you do.  In the meantime simply concentrating on studies more than the social issues may help.  In today's climate i would hope you will not be alone for long but i don't know how open your society is at this point.  Even if things are very conservative universities often contain those with a more liberal attitude.

Keep in touch.  Even if we are far away....you're not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Yes I agree to staying online. At least you have friends you can relate to here which is good, epecially if things get tough.

 

Tracy

[benzenemess]

Thank you, yes I shouldn't be open about my identity there. But I wish there's something that I can do that people won't notice. Like... I don't know.

I'm thinking of joining an extracurricular activity that will have nothing to do with gender but what could it be? ?

[Charlize]

Sports of some kind often seem to be a place for gender expression as do activities like chess which are too often seen as masculine pursuits.  If you will be in a large city there is also the possibility of meeting others at a club but if you go that route please be careful!

I went through my education rarely mentioning my issues to anyone.  At that point that was necessary in the US.  Coming out in any way was dangerous.  By concentrating on my studies and then becoming independent i increased my chances of being myself and comfortably safe as well.

Perhaps the best thing one can do is to enjoy what comes as much as one can.  Life has a way of giving us surprises.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[benzenemess]

Thank you Charlize, Tracy, and Krisvm.

[reyindium]

I have attended three colleges altogether but only one of them did gendered activities during orientation, where they divided the room into a boys versus girls thing. It was asinine. If that happens to you, quietly excuse yourself and don't come back for a while. Maybe you can miss most of the activity by "going to the bathroom".

 

As for extra curricular classes or clubs....you could consider the creative fields, like art, music, photography, film, theater, creative writing. Those are all relatively gender neutral interests. But as Charlize says, focus on your studies because that will help you build a foundation to stand upon later. On that note,  I did join an academic fraternity on campus during my last stint in college ? that could be an option too, if available?

[benzenemess]

reyindium, thanks for the suggestion. If they will have gendered activities, I hope they are not important or only games so I can go away.

Btw, is academic fraternity a religion extracurricular?

[reyindium]

On 7/30/2019 at 2:31 PM, benzenemess said:

Btw, is academic fraternity a religion extracurricular?

No..it was a fraternity that required a high gpa (really good class grades) to join. Everyone in it was really driven to perform well in school. We had mixed religions, genders, and sexual orientations throughout our members.

[benzenemess]

Oh well I still not understand.

 

Btw while this orientation doesn't have any specific gendered activities in it... Every social interaction is based upon "oh we have 5 girls 6 boys, oh let's girls take a photo together, oh boys stand behind, oh girls take the food first remember ladies first, oh it's okay for girls to volunteer to be a leader. .

[benzenemess]

. . oh hnggggh"

 

I don't what the word in English is, but in my language it's "yel-yel". When a class full of students is divided in to a few small groups and they are then asked to make something like "We are group one! we are the best! We will prevail! We are group one!", they are making a yel-yel.

So, in this orientation, a small group in my class created a yel-yel where they have boys and girls stood opposite of each other and say something like "are you looking for beautiful girls? Here they are! Are you looking for handsome boys? Here they are! And they are only here in our class!"

And then the girls behind me really liked it, and then the freshmen leaders put it into consideration to be my class' yel-yel.

There's no way to escape.. I guess..;-;

[reyindium]

I looked up yel-yel and it seems like a cheerleading group, except they don't cheer for your entire school but just your class? We don't have class specific groups like yel-yel in western culture (I think).

 

But yeah, lots of emphasis on gender during your orientation so I am sorry you had to endure that. And now you'll be in the yel-yel doing it too ? yikes. Hang in there!

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you have to face those activities which are so gender related.  Perhaps if you remember that others may feel as you do it will help.  I know i went through those horrors and was actually forced into all male schools until graduate school.  Time gave me freedom as it will you.  Unfortunately i felt i was alone and perhaps crazy for having the feelings of being out of place.  Maybe that helped me hide my feelings but knowing i wasn't alone would have been so welcome.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

My mind twists itself in circles much of the time, but I do remember over the years many girls who have wanted more to be in boys groups for things as the girl groups were too girly. I am not talking about transexuals either. I know it is not the same, but just imagine you are male and living among girls. That bit is true enough anyway. For example: One thing I have found useful, now living as female, is that growing up in closer male company means I can more readily understand, particulary online, thing like the sexual advances of men. My old experience has enabled me to often read them like a book. It may seem bad at the moment but don't dwell and reject the opportunity to learn. It will be of some help to you in the future. Learn to use chances rather than reject and hate.

 

Tracy