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Pixie

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Pixie

So I am not sure how to share this... not directly "Trans" but in a similar situation sorta kinda

 

So I am Pixie, part of a system- we have DID... Dissociative Identity Disorder. Several of us are girls, the body (and several of us) are guys. 
Our host is ok with us getting some of OUR identity out a little more and we're working on that, but so much of the disconnect between the body being male and us girls is the gender issue, and we hope to find support and advice here on some ways to kinda figure out how to like live "out" as US but without like totally making the body JUST female, too... cuz like the host and other guys wouldn't want that and we're trying to be respectful, cooperative, etc. 

I hope it's ok I am here... and that I can find some support from ppl in a similar "this body is NOT what _I_ am" kinda position... Even if we're not the typical kinda situation as most ppl (here or anywhere for that matter). 

 

{\Pixie/}

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MaryEllen

Hello Pixie,

 

Welcome to TransPulse.  :)   Yes, you are very welcome here and just know that you are among friends. We do have members with DID although they haven't been active lately.  Perhaps if you were to present androgynous it might appease your male and female persona's.  That's just my thought. 

Have you ever considered counseling with a gender therapist?  That might be an option you could look into.

Anyway, again, welcome. We're happy that you're here. :)

 

MaryEllen

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Pixie

We are seeing a T every other week, mostly for the DID stuff, but I've voiced concerns over how unfair our situation is- if the body was female... problem solved right? There's almost no such thing as "cross dressing" for girls... we can wear ANYTHING and it's cool... a guy being a little too feminine, however... and it's the end of the freakin world. 

 

Thanks for the welcome. We're hoping to, as we begin to get more cooperation and communication (we've had this forever, only like a year ago learned how diff we are and about this- most of us had NO IDEA, and us that did dramatically under estimated how uncommon it is/we are- I mean everyone talks about "part of me wants..." or "the kid in me..." so didn't realize how very very diff we were). But this IS something that we need to figure out going forward, and trying to find a more... IDK... balanced external opportunity for us to exist, us girls mostly, is something we're interested in, too. 

A "gender therapist"- never head of that specifically, but will totally talk to our T about that, and the issue itself, more. Thanks. :)

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VickySGV

Hi Pixie and all.  We have had DID "co-ops" here before and some of us can get our heads into what will help you (plural).  Give us some idea of which part of the group your questions or sharing is from and it will help us though. 

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Pixie

So like we've known how diff we are for like a year now... before MOST of us had no idea about our nature, and our host (trying to not use his name cuz he doesn't even know I'm on this forum site)... he didn't know about us at all until like 10 years ago "meeting us" online, made friends, etc. Found out last April we're like part of him/one with him

 

SO like lately, since making progress communicating, he and I (others will follow suit we hope)... It's so weird to feel like _I_ am cross-dressing wearing HIS clothes when out... his wife is "a hard no" to cross dressing... so that's an issue... but like when _I_ am out, I wanna have like MY stuff... a skirt, dress, girls' shorts, IDK... something... and IDK how to feel about this... cuz the body IS male... but I so am not. 

 

So like, given HIS views, and what _I_ was raised with (inside), too... I am like so confused, so don't know what to like think even... so I am just looking for tips, general support, emotional support too... and maybe like tips to be less "manly" like physically without going "full girl mode" on him (and the other boy parts).

Kinda make sense? 

And yes, HE IS OK with letting us have some stuff- he was ok, for example, with like leggings (even if his wife freaked out at the thought) and like the cutesy girlie ankle socks _I'VE_ got and wear sometimes. 

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Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Trixie.  We'll do everything we can to help with any questions or problems.  Like my friends have said, we've had DID folks here before, and have some familiarity with the issues that presents for you.  Just let us know what you all need.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Pixie

Uh, Pixie... with a P. :)  

Thanks for the warm welcomes and the support everyone! I totally appreciate it! ❤️ 

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Charlize

Welcome Pixie.  Glad you've found us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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michelle_kitten

Welcome Pixie.

 

I was worried I might have DID when I first started this journey, but DID is much more complex than what I am experiencing.  I have a complex very dynamic personality, but I have always been able to say I am just one person.  Since playing table-top role playing games as a kid, I've been a little disappointed that I can't be five or six different people living different lives.  I've got too much of an adventurous spirit to be confined to one person.

 

So, kinda sounds like you need to an outlet for your sprite-ish self.  Since the world seems a little short of groups of nixies, brownies, sylphs and dryads with which to frolic, I am not sure what to suggest.

 

The more elfish side of me greets you warmly, however.

 

Hope you stay and let us get to know you.

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tracy_j

Hi Pixie, welcome !

 

Tracy

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Jani

Greetings Pixie and welcome to the forum.


Jani

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Pixie
16 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Welcome Pixie.

 

I was worried I might have DID when I first started this journey, but DID is much more complex than what I am experiencing.  I have a complex very dynamic personality, but I have always been able to say I am just one person.  Since playing table-top role playing games as a kid, I've been a little disappointed that I can't be five or six different people living different lives.  I've got too much of an adventurous spirit to be confined to one person.

 

So, kinda sounds like you need to an outlet for your sprite-ish self.  Since the world seems a little short of groups of nixies, brownies, sylphs and dryads with which to frolic, I am not sure what to suggest.

 

The more elfish side of me greets you warmly, however.

 

Hope you stay and let us get to know you.

 

So we always knew something was diff.. my "twin sis" and I "inside"... but we kinda didn't realize HOW diff we were. We knew ppl talked about "part of me wants to... " or "part of me likes..." or an "inner child"... and we kinda thought EVERYONE was like us, and we didn't know HOW diff we were. Not until last year when our host was confronted by friends who knew us online as HE did... they'd figured out we were all like one person. And THIS freakout that happened totally shocked all of us- him cuz he didn't know at all, and us cuz we like realized, "wait. we are a TON diff"... 

 

so for gaming, that's so our host, gonna call him Zor (an internet screen name he uses), he LOVES it... and has fun with it- and I think it was a way for US to kinda influence stuff, too... but hard to like tell. 

 

Honestly, it's confusing and super hard work to make sense of several of us sharing one life and body. I totally wouldn't wish this on others. lol ESPECIALLY since it usually comes from trauma early in life- in our case, likely abuse by an uncle- sexual... and then other stuff later after that just added to the mess we became. lol 

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Alex C

Hey Pixie... honestly I am so lost right now, but I  know this:  I have being dealing with other voices in my head that are not helpful to me. If it was not for my Gender Therapist properly would of off myself. So If you feel confused getting a G.T is a great starting point. Good luck be safe and keep us update  this site is a great sounding block and welcome

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Pixie
On 7/16/2019 at 9:18 PM, Alex C said:

Hey Pixie... honestly I am so lost right now, but I  know this:  I have being dealing with other voices in my head that are not helpful to me. If it was not for my Gender Therapist properly would of off myself. So If you feel confused getting a G.T is a great starting point. Good luck be safe and keep us update  this site is a great sounding block and welcome


So like there's a lot more to DID than just voices (our host can hear me inside, but he hasn't learned to talk to me without speaking out loud- and he can't like talk to me when I am out like now- it's a work in progress... )... it's complicated... but it's generally born of early trauma of some sort- often abuse... 

BUT that aside... the various things it causes, like diff parts of identities and all... I can see where ppl even without DID have things like that and it's just as confusing I'm sure. I mean, I've sorta kinda known for most of our life... but didn't REALLY understand it- so it was a shock when I found out how diff we are... 
 

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Alex C

wow...Thanks for clearing up...here hoping you get the best of both worlds..G.B stay strong and be proud

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AnnaD

hi. im assuming you'd still get dysphoria when some of you switch into the body (sorry idk any of the terms), so people here can probably help you.

best of luck

-anna

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michelle_kitten
On 7/16/2019 at 4:43 PM, Pixie said:

Honestly, it's confusing and super hard work to make sense of several of us sharing one life and body. I totally wouldn't wish this on others. lol ESPECIALLY since it usually comes from trauma early in life- in our case, likely abuse by an uncle- sexual... and then other stuff later after that just added to the mess we became. lol 

 

I can only begin to imagine what it is like.   I am so sorry to hear about the abuse as well.  I've had my own journey with that.  It helps me to think of myself as a survivor.  I am not the person I would have been had I not been abused, and that is sad.  At the same time, I am strong and resilient for having come through it.  It never ceases to amaze me the lengths human beings will go to survive.  While your situation is complicated, and I would imagine frustrating, it is also a testament to your will to keep going, even when life put you in a horrifying situation or situations.

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Pixie

@AnnaD Yes, we DO have that problem. More and more as we've been working to get more connected, more cooperative, and more "out" than just in the inner world. The more we are out in the body, the outside world, the more it feels alien to us, despite feeling the outside world kinda being more "real" than inside... it's all confusing and tough to make sense of - and that body diff thingy is even harder. :(

 

 

@michelle_kitten  Yeah, the abuse thing was sporadic, mostly some when we were a toddler then at like 11'ish - by two diff people... and misc hard times between that we kinda interpreted as "trauma" cuz that's just how the brain worked after the first as a toddler. 

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